Do I write back or go radio silence?

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this.

 

I think the place where you find "power" in a situation like this is, honestly, by cutting yourself some slack. This was four months, not four years. This does not need to be "time wasted," so much as experience, exploration, with a little more dirt on the shoes than you'd hoped for when you set out.

 

Yeah, something was a little foggy about him. Yeah, you got a little a sprung on the idea that maybe you could cut through the fog by waiting it out. And, yeah, that idea didn't pan out, which stings. Still, just four months. Next dude you meet who gives off this vibe? Maybe it's three months, or maybe (ideally!) three hours. That's the win, the place of "power," in my opinion.

 

Guess I'm just saying that because I can't help but see some of the phrases you're using here—"if he deserved it," "would rather it hang on his end," etc.—to be more about searching for a false sense of empowerment than a genuine one. Because that kind of thinking, about him or people in general? It's inherently disempowering, since it's predicated on the idea that people aren't just people, but boogeymen who will crush you if you're kind to them. Dig in too hard on that front and you turn something authentic about yourself (kindness) into a sort of currency, where you're either rewarded or ripped off for spending it.

 

At the end of the day, the earth isn't going to rotate at a different speed, and neither is your personal world, if you reply or don't reply. Where you may find it spins more smoothly, in the wake of this? By giving yourself a minute to reflect, address some of the fog in your own lens, so the experiment and experience of romance (always a risky one!) isn't about extracting qualities from others but finding others with qualities that meet you on whatever level you want to be met at.

[Beetie]

What pattern is that? All you can do is determine what it is before jumping in with both feet

 

the pattern is not raising the conversation and walking away when I see the guy is losing interest, instead I just bury my head in the sand and let the guy call the shots. I need to take more of a stance for myself which ironically may even have the reverse affect of keeping the guy

[Beetie]

Doing what you think is best for you in the moment is good.

 

You can take a lot away from this relationship so you do not repeat it again with the next guy.

 

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation reverse the roles. Say you were in a relationship with some guy and you were not really feeling it but told him to stick around to see if your feelings would change. What are the chances of that happening? People meet, are attracted to each other physically and sexually then emotionally. It should grow each day but if it stalls out it is a sign that it is not right.

 

Did you wait around when you shouldn't have? Yes but at least you had an open heart willing to take a chance where he is closed off and dishonest with his heart.

 

Look at it this way. Every time he sees or uses that blender he will think about the wonderful woman he let get away.

 

 

Best wishes

Lost

 

Hi Lost, thank you for the kind and encouraging words. yes, I need to not repeat this with the next guy. I often think how would it be if the roles were reversed, and honestly I probably value him more if he was threatening to pull away vs. sticking around like a puppy dog waiting for my feelings to change. So I unterstand where I went wrong, but in the moment, with the person in front of me its just hard to walk away but I can't keep taking the easy-in-the-moment way out, otherwise ill never get ahead.

[Beetie]

I understand. Try not to be mad at yourself for too long. You need to show yourself compassion. No regrets just lessons...

 

If you feel like you've been dating guys that are not 100 % into you, think about why that was ok with you.

 

I generally think real love and commitment takes time. And I can be slow to judge. I think a lot and it takes me time, at times, to know how I feel about some things. And I actually like that about myself. So being hard nosed, is just that- hard for me.

 

So it is a balance. I have found, that people know what they do. General interest that is growing is shown through actions. Do not attach yourself to some future version of a person based on their potential.

 

Rather base it on today. the interest expressed in the present. be slow to commit one way or the other, until you have enough info to really know a person. Its no guarentee... relationships end. people change. It is what it is

 

As soon as a person pulls back from you, pull back from them... don't chase. Take your time to evaluate the situation and the person.... given time, things do work themselves out.

 

We get into to trouble trying to control and being attached to the outcome. Let a crummy guy be a crummy guy and don't blame yourself for him being crummy. that's him. draw your line in the sand, if you get a bad vibe or treated like you're an option, then you need to see that for what it is. And say, hey, me, this guy is yucky. I'm gonna take my focus elsewhere. Somewhere fruitful.

 

[emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]

 

Hi Lambert, thank you for your words. yes Im trying to be compassionate with myself, but I need to learn, otherwise Ill never get ahead. I also agree I just havent met the one yet that is fully into me, which is where I feel like these games are happening in the first place. And yes I need to ask myself why I stick around with guys who arent 100% - I think I don't trust my intuition, because then those breadcrumbing moments arise where I think, oh maybe that is all in my head. And yes things do take time sometimes, which is again why I keep sticking around and telling myself lets just give it more time, maybe he'll come around - the classic making excuses for the guy and using the tiniest bit of reassurance he gives me as justification.

Then yes, I make the mistake of falling too soon, before I really know his personality. Like with this last guy, there were a few things in his personality that I didnt really like actually but I'd already fallen. I have no problem dumping a guy after say the 3rd or 4th date if Im not feeling it, but after that I find it hard to break loose...and that's where I get in trouble.

No I dont go chasing a guy, I always just try to mirror the energy he is giving me - but that's the point, he does then at some point give me the energy which is when I drop my guard again and think it was all in my head, because I know I tend to overthink.

 

Thank you again for your encouraging words

[Beetie]

You're very welcome, Beetie. I appreciate your kind words.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing bitterness and resentment following the way he rejected and disrespected you. What you're feeling is universal. Granted, my story is not the same as yours but the sentiment is the same.

 

We were all naive once upon a time. I was you back in the day. Don't continue to kick yourself based upon your previous innocence. Life and people teach you how to navigate yourself wisely in the future and become a better read of people. From now on, your radar is up, you will emphasize the importance of CHARACTER when choosing whom you prefer to be with and whom you will reject easily.

 

It's better to be alone and wise than feeling lonely with a man who treats you miserably.

 

Time will heal your old wounds someday. Patience is key. Hang in there. Live and learn. You are wiser now and your eyes are wide open. No more naivete for you. Chin up, lady.

 

Thank you for the encouragement Cherylyn. Yes fully agree, and radar is up, but patience is dwindling ;) ugh, just want to find my other half already and experience this planet together.

[Beetie]

It's ok to feel frustrated. If you don't care to write, don't.

 

I wouldn't date anyone seriously until you understand more about yourself and why you're vulnerable to these types of people. You're looking for something and in doing that, overlooking some red flags. Everyone is a work in progress. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Rose, yes well probably I shouldnt be dating seriously for a while until I figure myself out better...but im impatient :( I just need to buckle myself down and not overlook the red flags next time, I don't know what the treatment is for that beyond just cold turkey and doing it - raising the issue - next time, vs. shying away, like I've always done in the past.

[ninjabib]

I wouldnt give him the time of day. You said at the start he was always very wishy-washy. This is about him. Don't give him that. He had his chance. Block him and move on.

[Wiseman2]

Take your time getting to know each other. Try not to fast track things.

ugh, just want to find my other half already and experience this planet together.

[Beetie]

Sorry about all this.

 

I think the place where you find "power" in a situation like this is, honestly, by cutting yourself some slack. This was four months, not four years. This does not need to be "time wasted," so much as experience, exploration, with a little more dirt on the shoes than you'd hoped for when you set out.

 

Yeah, something was a little foggy about him. Yeah, you got a little a sprung on the idea that maybe you could cut through the fog by waiting it out. And, yeah, that idea didn't pan out, which stings. Still, just four months. Next dude you meet who gives off this vibe? Maybe it's three months, or maybe (ideally!) three hours. That's the win, the place of "power," in my opinion.

 

Guess I'm just saying that because I can't help but see some of the phrases you're using here—"if he deserved it," "would rather it hang on his end," etc.—to be more about searching for a false sense of empowerment than a genuine one. Because that kind of thinking, about him or people in general? It's inherently disempowering, since it's predicated on the idea that people aren't just people, but boogeymen who will crush you if you're kind to them. Dig in too hard on that front and you turn something authentic about yourself (kindness) into a sort of currency, where you're either rewarded or ripped off for spending it.

 

At the end of the day, the earth isn't going to rotate at a different speed, and neither is your personal world, if you reply or don't reply. Where you may find it spins more smoothly, in the wake of this? By giving yourself a minute to reflect, address some of the fog in your own lens, so the experiment and experience of romance (always a risky one!) isn't about extracting qualities from others but finding others with qualities that meet you on whatever level you want to be met at.

 

Hi Bluecastle, I always read your feedback on other people's posts, and they are always so thought provoking and written with such eloquence, so thank you so much for taking the time to reply to mine as well.

 

So true, thankfully this was 4 months and not 4 years! again just still annoyed I didn't walk away. And yes, I'm probably trying to extract a false sense of empowerment rather than a real one from within, i dont know. But you word it so well - that's exactly what I struggle with, turning something authentic about myself into some sort of currency. Rather, I need to focus more on finding someone that meets my qualities where I want them to be met, i.e. appreciates them. This guy didn't.

[Beetie]

I wouldnt give him the time of day. You said at the start he was always very wishy-washy. This is about him. Don't give him that. He had his chance. Block him and move on.

 

yes fully agree, haven't replied and don't intend to. It's about him and that's not my responsibility.

[Beetie]

**update**

 

So as I had said I never replied and stood by that. Three days ago he decided to write again. He more or less wrote the following (with my sarcastic thoughts peppered in for good measure):

 

"I did expect you may take your time to answer, but honestly did not expect you would not be answering at all. I can only repeat my offer to meet and talk in case you want that. You said when you left that it's sad as this is the last time we see eachother but I was not expecting that that would actually be the case.

 

I am very sorry for the trouble and the bad emotions I have caused on your side. I am sad I did not make it to where we both wanted to be. I am very happy that I was able to meet you and for the good times we spent together. I enjoyed your company in many aspects and think you are a great and loving person. I am grateful for your patience and accepting many of my not so-easy ways.

 

I hope you will be good again soon and find that person who will make you happy as you deserve. I would like to stay in contact but accept if you fully want to disconnect and wish the best for you."

 

 

OMG - what a saint he is 'offering' to meet me again. Because I was so sad at the prospect of not seeing him again that he just wants to reassure me that no, don't despair, I still get to see my knight in shining armor if I so choose.

And then the comment about how 'many aspects' of my company were enjoyable, like huh? rather than just saying my company was enjoyable.

and him wishing I'll be good again - as if I spent the last week unable to get out of bed - and will find the partner with whom ill be happy. Who writes something like that. and the very next sentence saying he still wants to stay in touch. Like , is he serious?

 

Anyway I am livid, hurt, annoyed. This is all about him. What a douche. So I'm glad I didnt write him, since he clearly got taken for a loop and took me for granted. And I will not be replying to this either. I would love to reply with something like 'uh you ended it, what is there to talk about?' I mean I seriously would love to know what is going through his mind, when he wrote that. Anyways, I know to leave it tho. Just the most annoying part is he clearly put though into it, thinking he wrote a very respectable, caring message. Wow.

[Wiseman2]

You sound so angry. He never promised you anything yet you stuck around longer hoping and wishing. Just delete and block the guy. 4 mos is just dating and this didn't work out. His text seems polite but he's not interested.

 

You may find better men when you get rid of the snark , anger and calm down. He never make any sort of vow to you. Stop and reflect if you are holding on to a lot of baggage and hurt from the past and if you are even ready to date.

[Beetie]

You sound so angry. He never promised you anything yet you stuck around longer hoping and wishing. Just delete and block the guy. 4 mos is just dating and this didn't work out. His text seems polite but he's not interested.

 

You may find better men when you get rid of the snark , anger and calm down. He never make any sort of vow to you. Stop and reflect if you are holding on to a lot of baggage and hurt from the past and if you are even ready to date.

 

perhaps I came off a little strong in my reaction here, I just wonder what goes through people's mind when they write stuff like that. But fully aware he doesn't owe me anything and it was only 4 months, no big deal.

[Wiseman2]

He seems half baked and lukewarm. You were smart to walk away. Just block him.

[Lambert]

**update**

 

So as I had said I never replied and stood by that. Three days ago he decided to write again. He more or less wrote the following (with my sarcastic thoughts peppered in for good measure):

 

"I did expect you may take your time to answer, but honestly did not expect you would not be answering at all. I can only repeat my offer to meet and talk in case you want that. You said when you left that it's sad as this is the last time we see eachother but I was not expecting that that would actually be the case.

 

I am very sorry for the trouble and the bad emotions I have caused on your side. I am sad I did not make it to where we both wanted to be. I am very happy that I was able to meet you and for the good times we spent together. I enjoyed your company in many aspects and think you are a great and loving person. I am grateful for your patience and accepting many of my not so-easy ways.

 

I hope you will be good again soon and find that person who will make you happy as you deserve. I would like to stay in contact but accept if you fully want to disconnect and wish the best for you."

 

 

OMG - what a saint he is 'offering' to meet me again. Because I was so sad at the prospect of not seeing him again that he just wants to reassure me that no, don't despair, I still get to see my knight in shining armor if I so choose.

And then the comment about how 'many aspects' of my company were enjoyable, like huh? rather than just saying my company was enjoyable.

and him wishing I'll be good again - as if I spent the last week unable to get out of bed - and will find the partner with whom ill be happy. Who writes something like that. and the very next sentence saying he still wants to stay in touch. Like , is he serious?

 

Anyway I am livid, hurt, annoyed. This is all about him. What a douche. So I'm glad I didnt write him, since he clearly got taken for a loop and took me for granted. And I will not be replying to this either. I would love to reply with something like 'uh you ended it, what is there to talk about?' I mean I seriously would love to know what is going through his mind, when he wrote that. Anyways, I know to leave it tho. Just the most annoying part is he clearly put though into it, thinking he wrote a very respectable, caring message. Wow.

I read this and thought, good for you! this guy is a douche. I don't see his message as polite or caring. I see it as self serving. He's trying to be both the victim and the hero. You stopped caring and now he admits that he thought you'd keep in touch. Why didn't he say that in the moment? (rhetorical question)

 

Block him at this point. No good can come of any more between you two. you decided not to write back. You don't like what he wrote the second time.

 

Let this be the end, the closure, maybe even the vindication that you did matter on some level to him. I know you felt you needed it but you didnt.

[bluecastle]

My take here, for whatever it's worth?

 

You seem to be holding this man to a standard that he has never, ever given you any sign is in his arsenal. That right there is a recipe for anger, and I'd really give that some thought, since anger is one of those emotions that can be like sugary foods: gets deep into the system and does some damage, if indulged too much. Can even rewire the brain a bit, so we seek more sugar to clear out the damage of previous sugar.

 

Let's say I am the world's 4th ranked tennis player, eager to be number 1. Now, let's say I spend a few months training with someone on a high school junior varsity squad in the hopes of making that happen. Result? I'm not properly challenged, not met on my level, and so what stands out is neither the joy of playing tennis or the thrill of upping my game and getting closer to my goals, but simply the exhaustion: the sore arms, the blisters on the toes, all that time when I could have been doing something else.

 

I may initially be angry at the high school amateur—how dare he dare to play at such a subpar level!—but that anger is probably really directed at myself, for playing on when I knew no genuine joy or improvement to my game was coming. Did I really want to be number 1? Or did I really just want to crush someone to feel like number 1? The anger would be a way of avoiding such thorny questions as those.

 

I can see his note in much the way you see it, but also? Having no skin in the game, I can also see it as a dude doing his best to reach out to someone he wishes he was on better terms with. Which, let's just be brutally honest here, is something you were also kind of craving, hoping for. Which is to say that what you have here, when you zoom out, is an old sad story: a missed connection between two people that has left them both a little flummoxed. Which—and this is just my personal nature—is how I'd try to see it in your shoes, while seeing the emotions in it that elicits in you (anger, disappointment, frustration) as further evidence confirming what you've known for a long time: this is not a tennis player who ups your game, but squelches it.

 

Goes back to the currency business from my earlier post (and thanks for the kind words, by the way!). Ideally, at least the way I see things, we should expect nothing—nothing—from another human save for them to be whoever they are. Not after four days, four months, forty years. If who they are doesn't match our game, we don't push them or bend ourselves, since that's turning the sweet thing of connection into the adversarial thing of transaction.

 

Lots of words, I know. Hopefully a few of them can help the anger dissipate, so you can make room for new matches with more worthwhile players.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm so sorry that this upset you. I read and re-read the message and I can't, for the life of me, pick up anything bad in there. That was a very gracious and kind response. I know he annoyed you quite a lot and seemed to rub you the wrong way. Dating is a lot like that and a there's quite a lot of touch and go, figuring out whether things work or fit and being gracious enough to bow out when things aren't what they seem.

 

You don't deserve to feel so bad. When you're getting to know someone, find out some key aspects about them and the way they treat people in general. Some things I like to talk about early on probably deal with how they treat others and what their ties to their family and friends are like, what their intentions for dating are and what their communication styles are. These help me form a better picture on whether we're compatible. Keep your chin up! There's so much more joy out there.

[Beetie]

I'm so sorry that this upset you. I read and re-read the message and I can't, for the life of me, pick up anything bad in there. That was a very gracious and kind response. I know he annoyed you quite a lot and seemed to rub you the wrong way. Dating is a lot like that and a there's quite a lot of touch and go, figuring out whether things work or fit and being gracious enough to bow out when things aren't what they seem.

 

You don't deserve to feel so bad. When you're getting to know someone, find out some key aspects about them and the way they treat people in general. Some things I like to talk about early on probably deal with how they treat others and what their ties to their family and friends are like, what their intentions for dating are and what their communication styles are. These help me form a better picture on whether we're compatible. Keep your chin up! There's so much more joy out there.

 

Rose, what upsets me - the message is super condescending and conceated. he clear takes me for granted expecting me to answer. When we were dating he told me once, that he didn't feel the need to chase me because he knew I'd always be there. And during our break-up talk he also hypothesized that he perhaps lost interest (not that he ever really had it) because I made myself too available. And now he's dumped me and still expects me to be there, like how little self-worth does this guy think I have? and then him expecting that he would still see me and wanting to stay in touch...huh? like does he think I'm going to take the conciliatory prize of FWB or friends? And then as Lambert said, him playing the hero of offering to meet with me because he thinks Im so sad at the prospect of not seeing him again. Or him wishing me well with the next guy? everybody knows how douchy it is to say that when you break up, it's up there with the 'we can still be friends' line.

 

Anyway I'm ok, I know I sound angrier in writing than I really am.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

[boltnrun]

My ex got confused because I was no longer falling all over myself to try to be with him. Since I'd done that during our relationship he figured I always would. He was so upset! He accused me of never really loving him.

 

And it wasn't because he wanted me. He just wanted me to worship him. His fragile sense of self worth NEEDED all of his exes to pine over him.

 

So it's not about him caring about you, it's about him wanting YOU to continue to want HIM.

 

Ignore, ignore!

[Beetie]

My take here, for whatever it's worth?

 

You seem to be holding this man to a standard that he has never, ever given you any sign is in his arsenal. That right there is a recipe for anger, and I'd really give that some thought, since anger is one of those emotions that can be like sugary foods: gets deep into the system and does some damage, if indulged too much. Can even rewire the brain a bit, so we seek more sugar to clear out the damage of previous sugar.

 

Let's say I am the world's 4th ranked tennis player, eager to be number 1. Now, let's say I spend a few months training with someone on a high school junior varsity squad in the hopes of making that happen. Result? I'm not properly challenged, not met on my level, and so what stands out is neither the joy of playing tennis or the thrill of upping my game and getting closer to my goals, but simply the exhaustion: the sore arms, the blisters on the toes, all that time when I could have been doing something else.

 

I may initially be angry at the high school amateur—how dare he dare to play at such a subpar level!—but that anger is probably really directed at myself, for playing on when I knew no genuine joy or improvement to my game was coming. Did I really want to be number 1? Or did I really just want to crush someone to feel like number 1? The anger would be a way of avoiding such thorny questions as those.

 

I can see his note in much the way you see it, but also? Having no skin in the game, I can also see it as a dude doing his best to reach out to someone he wishes he was on better terms with. Which, let's just be brutally honest here, is something you were also kind of craving, hoping for. Which is to say that what you have here, when you zoom out, is an old sad story: a missed connection between two people that has left them both a little flummoxed. Which—and this is just my personal nature—is how I'd try to see it in your shoes, while seeing the emotions in it that elicits in you (anger, disappointment, frustration) as further evidence confirming what you've known for a long time: this is not a tennis player who ups your game, but squelches it.

 

Goes back to the currency business from my earlier post (and thanks for the kind words, by the way!). Ideally, at least the way I see things, we should expect nothing—nothing—from another human save for them to be whoever they are. Not after four days, four months, forty years. If who they are doesn't match our game, we don't push them or bend ourselves, since that's turning the sweet thing of connection into the adversarial thing of transaction.

 

Lots of words, I know. Hopefully a few of them can help the anger dissipate, so you can make room for new matches with more worthwhile players.

 

Bluecastle, I agree he never promised me anything, doesn't owe me anything, etc. so I dont' mean to come across as lamenting over a standard he didn't keep. It is more about the standard I hold myself to on the inside but don't for whatever reason hold it up on the outside.

 

The tennis analogy is a good one, and yes the anger is with myself, and in this context, probably I just want to crush him - not be the ultimate nr. 1 for myself, which as nothing to do with him.

 

and yes being brutally honest, absolutely I wanted the connection not to be missed, probably for him too, so I do also see it from another less vengeful perspective. I know as I had written in a previous post, I'm assuming he thinks his message is heartfelt and genuine and he thinks he gave it his honest to goodness best shot - heck he spent a week crafting it. But in general he was not the most modest of individuals, so I don't imagine him to realize how is message could be interpreted very differently than perhaps intended. I remember once I complimented him on his curly hair, to which he basically replied 'I know it looks good'. That was it :)

[Beetie]

My ex got confused because I was no longer falling all over myself to try to be with him. Since I'd done that during our relationship he figured I always would. He was so upset! He accused me of never really loving him.

 

And it wasn't because he wanted me. He just wanted me to worship him. His fragile sense of self worth NEEDED all of his exes to pine over him.

 

So it's not about him caring about you, it's about him wanting YOU to continue to want HIM.

 

Ignore, ignore!

 

Yes, amen to this!

[Beetie]

I read this and thought, good for you! this guy is a douche. I don't see his message as polite or caring. I see it as self serving. He's trying to be both the victim and the hero. You stopped caring and now he admits that he thought you'd keep in touch. Why didn't he say that in the moment? (rhetorical question)

 

Block him at this point. No good can come of any more between you two. you decided not to write back. You don't like what he wrote the second time.

 

Let this be the end, the closure, maybe even the vindication that you did matter on some level to him. I know you felt you needed it but you didnt.

 

This! Thank you! :) well funny though, he actually had said it in the moment. During our very final good bye hug in front of his door, he whispered that we'll see eachother again. To which in my head I was just like, uhh no we won't.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my ex found out I was in his area visiting a few years ago and he sent a series of passive-aggressive texts, telling me I'm "lame", that I didn't even tell him I was visiting, then the texts got increasingly self-pitying. He then said "She probably don't even want to see me!" and I thought, you're right, I don't. I didn't bother even responding to his nonsense.

[bluecastle]

Sounds like you're coming out of the fog. Terrific.

 

Keep that tennis stuff in the back pocket for reference, here and there. Is this person upping my game? A joy to play with? When those answers are clear—and a clear yes—all this stuff loses its power and potency, since all this is kind of what happens when egos dress up as hearts and try to put on a play.

 

Again, while I understand the reasons his note unsettled you, as you articulated in response to Rose, I honestly can't see anything this man could offer you that wouldn't be processed similarly. If he stayed silent? He'd be an arrogant dude. If he expressed deep remorse? Selfish, manipulative dude. If he simply mentioned the blender again? Cold, heartless dude. And so on...

 

And that's the kind of lose-lose hall of mirrors that let's us know it's time to dust off and seek higher ground. Keep heading that way.