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Thread: Hello. I need some friendship advice..

  1. #1
    Member katyfran45's Avatar
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    Hello. I need some friendship advice..

    Alright so I have had this friend since the 7th grade and we have been to high school together and college. Last year was pretty rough because we both went through hard times and didn't speak to each other for 8 months. I also stopped talking to her and even blocked her because of some bad blood with her and old friends we hung out with. However, during this coronavirus pandemic, I decided to reach out because I was concerned about her. So i emailed her and she surprisingly replied back and we have been chatting back and forth since March of this year. She has also been going to counseling so she treats me better now. But the thing is, I don't think she values our friendship as much as I do. I have actually moved down south in my state and have visited family up north a few times and have tried to make plans with her since she lives up north and i visit often and she has made excuses every time about "family emergencies". Today I drove up north to visit my brother and called to tell her that I would like a place to stay. She tells me "No, my roommate doesn't want you here because she thinks you two will fight" heres the thing, I only met her roommate one time over a year ago and we barely spoke so idk why my friend thinks there will be a fight between two people who dont really know each other. Anyways, I am thinking about cutting her off for good again. But I am unsure sometimes because she is good at talking me through hard times and says she is proud of me. She calls me once a week too but it seems like we only chat for 10 mins instead of hours like we used to. She usually says "you are probably bored so i will let you go" i know she cares about me and my family somewhat at least. I need to know this, should I confront her and ask her if our friendship is okay? Should I tell her my concerns? Or should I just naturally let the friendship fade away? She is also good friends with my brother too. I don't want to cause any more drama. What should I do? Idk if I should just keep her as a long distance friend and never hang out.. or should i cut her off.. Please help. Thanks

    (Refer to my post "My friend isn't letting go of the past" for some more background info)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katyfran45
    I need to know this, should I confront her and ask her if our friendship is okay? Should I tell her my concerns? Or should I just naturally let the friendship fade away?
    Maybe neither or none of the above? Times are tough right now for everyone and almost everyone has some kind of worry or some other. Quarantining while traveling is usually recommended as well as safe social distancing and traveling for leisure is still frowned upon in many areas due to possible virus spread. I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to let you stay at their home, not this year and maybe not next year either, especially if that person doesn't first offer. It's a good idea to be respectful of others' choices and boundaries.

    You can visit your friends or family another time or stay at a hotel if you need to stay somewhere. Try not to impose on anyone - just my thoughts on being courteous and mindful of what other people are going through.

    The mention of her roommate is valid if she thinks it's valid. You seem very distrustful of her which is hurtful to building any kind of lasting friendship. You both speak every week for a few minutes so let it be for now. You mentioned she calls you. Do you call her too? Just curious.

    Don't do anything in haste or when you're upset and don't make any rash decisions. Check in with people ahead of time and get a feel whether your travel plans are affecting others. It may also impact whether you make the trip or not.

  3. #3
    Member katyfran45's Avatar
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    Here is the thing to note.. She has let two of her friends from her school stay with her for multiple nights. It isn't that she has an issue with people coming over due to coronavirus. She still goes out and hangs out with people. She always cancels on me specifically.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't stay with her then and suggest or make plans to meet when you're in town. She has reasons that are valid to her and it may seem insulting to you or rude at first but see whether she's free and talk about this in person and clear the air in person. Her roommate situation may have turned bad, for all you know, and the last thing she can handle is getting kicked out or dealing with a hostile situation. You seem very vocal and quick to judge and this is not always a bad thing at all. This may rub people the wrong way however if they don't know you.

    I think you should keep your chin up, don't get insecure about this. If you are vocal and call it like it is and her roommate doesn't like you, that's her prerogative. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something bad about you. Sometimes personalities don't mix and you certainly don't have to be anywhere you're not wanted in the big picture.

    For now just meet in person and see how things go. If she cancels... I think you know this isn't worth pursuing anyway. I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue but I might make a mental note to mention it if she calls or texts again, for example.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    She wants friendship on her terms, not yours. You need to constantly follow her cue. It's her way or the highway.

    I've known some local people in my life and we only meet at restaurants. This is the extent of the relationship; no more no less. Some people don't want to invite you into their homes because they're either too embarrassed or value their privacy which is not for visitors or both. Either accept your friend as she is according to what and how far she is willing to extend her friendship with you or tell your friend it is time to go your separate ways - - permanently. I wouldn't let the friendship fade away. I would at least let her know that you are exiting the friendship because you want more out of the friendship than she is willing to give. Be honest.

    If you want just a long distance friend without hanging out together, then maintain a long distance friendship without hanging out together. If you want to visit her whenever you are up north and cannot, either accept the way she is or end the friendship. There is no need for drama. Those are her conditions. Take it or leave it.

  7. #6
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    Katy, Why do you continue with this, if she has treated you poorly in the past, does not want to hang out, and cancels on a regular basis? She does not sound like a friend. Personally, I would let the "friendship" go.

    Do you have other friends?

  8. #7
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    "I feel like my old best friend isn't letting go of the past?
    Hello, so I have come across something that I feel like is towards me and I want to see what people think about the situation. Anyways, some background info.. I was friends with this one girl since the 7th grade. In the past year I noticed a huge change from her. We actually went to the same college together for a year. We did everything together and she was a good friend for a long time. However, she ended up with the wrong crowd and that changed her. She suddenly became resentful and she would always criticize everything I did. It would hurt me and I tried to talk to her about it but she never owned up to her mistakes, she never even apologized to me. She didn't know that she was hurting me emotionally. She even defended the people that have bullied me or treated me badly. She basically turned her back on me. I ended up becoming sick of it. So, I began to move on and ignore her because I didn't want any part of it. I even moved back home to get away from that college. I didn't have a good experience there and it was also very expensive. Anyways, I haven't spoken to her since October. I decided to send her a text asking her how she was. And she said, "I thought you were done with me" and I said "No, I am not, just busy". I then tried to reach out to her again but discovered that her phone number doesn't work or maybe she blocked my number. I am not sure. Flash forward to today, and I had this sudden urge to look up her old facebook because I was curious and wanted to see how she was doing. All I saw was that she changed her profile picture to a message in Spanish that read, "If you miss me, just remember I was not the one to leave, it was you who let me go".. Honestly, I feel a little hurt. No, I am not going to contact her about it. I honestly feel like she is playing the victim here. I think what she posted was a little passive aggressive. And I know that she knows that I would see that because I go on facebook all of the time and we had a long friendship. I feel like that was towards me. She used to try to make me feel bad for moving back home and leaving her at the college, and she would beg me to stay. Anyways, I just wanted to know, was it right for me to move on like I did? I was surely not going to put up with her bullcrap anymore. Does it look like she is playing the victim? I find it sad that ignorant people like her suddenly villianize me for ignoring her and moving on. Anyways, I know neither of us are innocent in this situation. She treated me like crap and I decided to move on instead of fighting back and i guess that makes me look bad? I don't know.. Should I be feeling hurt like this? I need advice. Thanks.
    "

    Is this the same person?

  9. #8
    Member katyfran45's Avatar
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    Yes. Unfortunately. But she has told me that she has started counseling. She seems to be a much nicer person now over the phone.

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    I think that you should go back and read the responses to the other thread, as it does not sound like much has changed.

    You have allowed someone toxic back into your life, and I think that you should do what is in your best interest: block and delete. If you continue with her, then you have none to blame, but yourself.

    Do you have other friends?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to pull back and put her in the aquaintence zone. You are over investing.

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