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Thread: It's been a while.

  1. #1
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    It's been a while.

    Hi all, I'm not sure if anyone will remember me being on here as it was a few months ago now. My title was sexless marriage.

    Well that is now resulted in the end of my marriage and not through my doing I believe.
    I can't remember where I was at the last time I posted but I have been to hell and back several times over the past months, I've been heartbroken and had that mended and broken again. I've had my feelings toyed with and been used and played which has resulted in me being in a very dark place.

    I'm struggling, really struggling as I can't no matter what I do get my wife out my head. Every single day I end up feeling down and become upset. It can be the smallest thing like a memory will come into my head.

    I shouldn't allow myself to feel like this after the way I have been treated because she has been truly horrible to me. The friends I have left and my family think I'm being an idiot after what she has done to allow her to have this hold over me.

    I've been to a Councillor I've been to a doctor who just gave me medication but that makes me feel muted and I don't like feeling like that.

    I really need to talk to people for ideas and suggestions because being honest here I don't think I can continue this path.

    I've moved jobs, I've now had to find a new home I'm trying to build a new career but my memories are always overwhelming me from thinking positively and moving on.

    I know my wife doesn't feel like this she is living her life as normal with not a care in the world about me or what she has done to me over the past months.
    To top it off I'm not getting to see my daughter because her head seems to turned against me which is unbelievable and sole destroying as I spent most of my daughters life with her. I was the one who took her everywhere myself, took an interest in everything she had an interest in, built all her school projects with her,,,, I'm sure your getting the picture here. I can barely get a reply to a text message from her now and haven't seen her in weeks now.

    Just need to talk this through if anyone is willing to

  2. #2
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    Iím so sorry!

    I wish I had helpful advice for you. I just wanted to respond to let you know we are here and listening.

    Lisa

  3. #3
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    Thank you 😌

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    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    The first thing I noticed is that you have *many* of the most incredible stressors in the average life all happening at once. Divorce, career change, moving.

    If you did not feel overwhelmed in this season of your life...that would indicate a major problem!

    Thereís nothing I can say to make the season less painful for you but of course the reminder is hopefully that seasons change. The incredible amount of change you are going through WILL settle. If you let it.

    Having been through my own personal divorce hell including extremely strained parent-child relationships, Iím just popping in to say that it will get different. Today I have a phenomenal relationship with both kids, some career stability and a small, comfy home. Iíve dated some absolutely amazing women, traveled all over and at 43 I feel like my best years are yet to come!

    Hang. In. There.

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  6. #5
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    I'm trying, really trying. Just about every person has told me I'll get through this. I really hope I do because I've yet to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    How about some online therapy during this stressful time in the world? You need help.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    In regards to your medication if weíre talking the time span of months, you typically need to be on them for a bit longer to know your bodyís real reaction, if they were too strong and numbed you, you should have been asked about that by your Dr. in your follow up appt. and at that point your Dr. would have made a decision and I most certainly do not believe their decision would be to stop cold turkey.

    Thereís a lot to unpack with your story in its entirety, I know you feel hopeless and are looking for some reprieve unfortunately itís a marathon not a sprint. Have you considered starting therapy? You have been through quite a bit recently. I also hope as youíve been advised multiple times you try to rebuild your relationship with your daughter. At the end of the day when the dust settles and the pain subsides you do t want your relationship ship with her to be collateral damage.

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    There's an old saying ' If you love someone let them go, for if they return they were always yours. And if they don't they never were'.
    Your post reminds me of me and this quote. It's so hard to move on but you have to for her sake as well as your own.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Unfortunately we are not programmed with a fast-forward button to speed us through the grieving process. Just know that what you're experiencing is normal at this time, and it's a necessary stage to be able to get to the healing stage. For now, I'd just set small daily goals to achieve for the day regarding your career, your new home, and your relationship with your daughter. If your daughter has a new room in your home for when she stays over, tell her you need her help in decorating it. That could be a good bonding experience and I don't know of any child who wouldn't find that idea to be really fun. If you think her mother is at fault for turning your child against you, ask for divorce mediation or family counseling to show your ex the kind of damage she's doing by badmouthing you to your child. You have a right to see your child, so even if she balks, make sure the visits happen and she will likely come around after getting used to her new life.

    Be proactive and read some books on parenting after divorce. Pamper yourself by cooking your favorite recipes or trying new ones. When social distancing eases, find a new hobby you can be passionate about. Perhaps scuba diving, ski club, kayaking, bicycling, volunteering at a zoo or museum, dance lessons. Join a Meetup.com group for hiking, book discussions, etc.

    Time and distance will eventually do its work, hard as it is to envision right now. Take care.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Looking back through your threads, the end of your marriage was roughly starting in August of last year, separation in October. This is nothing and I'm not clear if your divorce is even finalized or not.

    What I'm saying is that you are SUPPOSED to feel what you feel. You'd have to be either clinically insane or a robot if you didn't feel this roller coaster of emotions. Pain, anger, grief, sadness - these are unpleasant emotions, but you really do need to be realistic and allow yourself to ride this out until things start to calm down. When you go sailing, you don't want to encounter a nasty storm with 40 foot waves crashing over your boat, but once in it, you have no choice but to deal with it, ride it out, do your best to maneuver your boat over those waves so you don't sink. On the other side of the storm lie sunshine and calm waters and peace.

    So please, the more you tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling things the harder you make it for yourself to reach the other side so to speak. You can't be in a huge storm of your lifetime and be in denial about what it is. Let yourself grieve. It's normal. You are supposed to feel what you feel. Let it wash over you. Only thing is, steer your ship a bit. Feel angry? Good. Let that anger boil for a bit, then shake yourself out - go for a run or a walk, do a fast intense workout at home (lots of apps out there for that) Release that angry energy in a healthy way and you'll find that for a bit, you feel a little more at peace. Feeling sad, despair hitting you hard? So cry, howl, sob - let it out. But then, change gears. Flip on a comedy show or something else that interests you or makes you feel good and change those mental gears. Not saying this is easy, because you do need to force your thoughts into a different gear and you won't always succeed but for a second or two, but you just keep at it, keep persevering. It will take time but with time you'll slowly realize that you are angry less often, sad less often, feeling pain less often until one day you'll realize that you haven't thought about all that in so long you can't even remember the last time. Minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days to months and....you get the idea.

    Realistic expectations, OP. Don't expect to be instantly good as that alone will just leave you stuck. Grieving the end of your marriage is normal. Refusing to is not. You are supposed to feel emotions. You'll be fine.

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