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Thread: Called things quits and now he's with another and I regret EVERYTHING

  1. #1

    Called things quits and now he's with another and I regret EVERYTHING

    Where do I even start...

    So long story short, I was in a really bad relationship while I was doing college. I fell head over heels and he ended up hurting me more than I thought humanly possible. A couple months later I met one of my best friends brother. He made me laugh and that was that we started seeing each other. We were in a rocky relationship for almost 2 years, I blamed him for everything because hurt people hurt people he was a great guy with a bit of a jealousy problem. Anyways I called thing off and a month later he found apparently "the one". Yes I know I'm a horrible person but upon learning about this new relationship I lost it. I finally realized everything I took for granted with him. So I told him I needed to meet up with him to go over some things and he showed up, and I professed my love for him and how sorry I was, I laid everything out and how I so desperately wanted him back and how I can't eat or sleep without him. He told me about how he has someone new and how he can't do that to her. He's been talking to me because he says he's worried but I feel like there's no way he's totally in love with this girl after only a month of knowing her and only 2 months after our break up and he was borderline obsessed with me. I want to say he's rebounding especially because he said how she was just there even though he wasn't looking. Not to mention we were both crying that night and he's been crying to her about me. Anyways we've been talking...A lot since I proclaimed everything. Someone give me some hope that they won't work out. Oh btw she kinda has the same features as me and apparently she's ok with him helping me? Is she doubtful and considering leaving him. Also what do I have to do to get him back? should I keep in contact since I've already been talking to him and he's open to talking to me, even FaceTime, like should I not give up? or the opposite, now that I've dropped my truth let it be and let that relationship run it's course

    Thx, Sad and Low:(
    Last edited by sadandlow; 10-21-2019 at 06:11 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    At this point unfortunately it sounds like he pities you but nonetheless is still with her. You need to move on and leave people in relationships alone.

    The best thing you can do if you "can't eat or sleep" and people are "worried about you" is go to a doctor for a complete checkup and a referral to a therapist.

    Do not use guilt, drama or manipulation like this. It will backfire. Leave them alone.
    Originally Posted by sadandlow
    I told him I needed to meet up with him to go over some things and he showed up, and I professed my love for him and how sorry I was, I laid everything out and how I so desperately wanted him back and how I can't eat or sleep without him.

    He told me about how he has someone new and how he can't do that to her. He's been talking to me because he says he's worried

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    May I ask how old you guys are?

    I totally understand what you want to hear right now: that she's nothing, you're everything, and in somewhere between 30 seconds and 3 weeks he'll reward your Hail Mary epiphanies with being "re-obsessed" with you once more. Been in your shoes, here and there.

    Alas, having worn those shoes, I can't do that.

    The phrase that caught my eye the above is: "Yes I know I'm horrible person." I don't think you're a horrible person, for the record, but I think you know that you aren't acting from a genuine place: too much ego here, not enough heart. I mean, if you're actually trying to show him that you care about him and respect him, then you have to respect where he is, right now, rather trying to bend him into who you want him to be, tomorrow or next week. You also have to respect his girlfriend. She is, like you and him, a real human being, not a hurdle in your personal race.

    Hard to hear, I know. But if the thing you say you want is going to happen—another shot—it's not going to happen because you orbit around at the edges, messing with his feelings and, by extension, his relationship. Sure, technically, it could "work." But at what cost? That would essentially be you operating from that "horrible person" place, and then getting it validated by him. You won't respect yourself, or him, and any connection you form will have that crack in the foundation.

    So I say celebrate all those awakenings as real, but as something you need to harness in yourself, not through winning this fight. You sound a bit "rebound-y" yourself, in that you set up this whole relationship on the heels of another one. That first one crushed you, the second was rocky—see a pattern? Get a little more still inside yourself and you're likely to find yourself in relationships that aren't crushing, aren't rocky. Whether that's version 2.0 with him or another kind of won't matter, because you'd validated these new thoughts and feelings yourself, rather than by breaking up his current relationship.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're begging... nothing good can come from the way things have started off now. He's with someone new and you're deliberately meddling with someone from your past. This isn't good for you. I'd stop right now and ask yourself if you're in the right frame of mind. If you have even a sliver of a doubt, please just stop what you're doing and stop grappling at thin air.

    Even if you do reconcile together, then what? Will you be wondering about whether he's speaking to another girl or will he just forget how to be a jealous person? Does the relationship have enough to stand on in the first place or are you trying to get him back because you're insulted he's moved on?

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  6. #5
    I'm 22, he's 24, and she's 20.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, one month of dating is not enough for him to fall in love, but he might be halfway there. But he does not love you either since he's not willing to get back together.

  8. #7
    It's just I know now that I want that intense relationship he wanted and my heart for him has completely changed. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want to know if I do give it the space what chance does their relationship hold? seeing as it was only a MONTH after our split.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Well, one month of dating is not enough for him to fall in love, but he might be halfway there. But he does not love you either since he's not willing to get back together.
    Maybe he just has loyalties to her because she was there?

  10. #9
    Also don't get me wrong, our relationship was rocky but it was still really good, we traveled with each others families quite a bit and had a lot of good memories as well, he likes to talk about those while talking to me.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sadandlow
    It's just I know now that I want that intense relationship he wanted and my heart for him has completely changed. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I want to know if I do give it the space what chance does their relationship hold? seeing as it was only a MONTH after our split.
    This is how many people feel after someone shows signs of moving on. I know you don't want to be reduced to a statistic, but there is some humility in seeing the big picture, and humility is our best friend. It's also very attractive, so cultivating it right now is a total win.

    It's basic human nature, this. I go to the candy story just as its about to close, and can't decide between the gummy bears or M&Ms. I choose M&Ms, feeling good. But as the car leaves and the store shutters, and I open up the bag, I think: "Ugh—I really wanted the gummy bears." We all want what we can't have.

    When he was "borderline obsessed" with you, and with you, your interest in him was thin, the relationship was rocky, and you bounced. Now he is exploring something new, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him? To which you may be thinking: I know, I know how it looks, but it's different.

    If it is, then you have to have real faith in that. You can't try to manipulate him. You give it space, and stay open, for yourself—because that's your truth, not a reward you need to validate a truth. In terms of the chances? You can't even think along those lines. That's for blackjack, not human connection.

    And as you hold that space? Maybe try to reflect, with some clear eyes, on the two years with him. You say they were rocky. It generally takes more than someone feeling burned learning their ex is kissing someone else to smooth over those rocks. Rocks don't get burned away, after all. Fire doesn't really touch them.

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