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Thread: Unhappily married

  1. #31

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    @bluecastle, DancingFool, reinventmyself,

    Thank you so much for sharing. I really need to work on my inner self now first. I'm so close to depression and I don't want it to affect the people I care about. I really appreciate your thoughts and inputs, different, and unbiased perspectives are what I need to hear after series of counselling I'e gone through. I hope you all find your love and happiness in life and when you have, hang on to it. Many people like us are yearning for it. <3

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Alexis09
    I really need to work on my inner self now first.
    I say take this one sentence and edit it to: "I am going to start working on my inner self, now."

    Start with a small step. Maybe, like DF said, it's having a talk with your mom and clearly telling her the kind of support you need right nowóthat you love her, need her as a pillar, but that it is a pillar to help you move forward, and out, of this marriage with all the grace and integrity you can muster. Maybe it's making an appointment with a therapist, to shore up another pillar. Maybe it's taking a momentóand, hey, we're here to listenóto clearly write down what you want your life to look like in, say, 2 years. Maybe...

    I don't have the answers. The wild part is that you do: they are in there, right now, as you read these words. They just require some careful excavation, and some of that will feel like hard, manual labor of the mind and spirit. But you can't built a new home without hauling some bricks, and all human beings have it in them to lift a single brick. One at a time.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Interesting. I read somewhere that revenge cheating is a quite common thing. Keep in mind, if you live in a western civilization you could have divorced him at that time, but for whatever reasons, decided to stay. It's your marriage, so you need to decide what you want to see going forward.
    Originally Posted by Alexis09
    I wonder if he will be as "forgiving" as I was when I found out about his affair then.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by lovestruckgy
    Alexis09, Your situation is not abnormal. Its ound sto me like he is failing to see the value in the relationship. I don't want to give a long-winded reply if you have decided to give up on the relationship. But I believe your relationship can be salvaged. It will take work, but if you want him to invest in the relationship then you should make him feel valued, that he is important to you, that you want to rest things and start fresh. Every man has an obsession that we hide, it is to be a provider, to be needed. Enough for now. Reach out to me if you would like more information. Don't give up, have faith, and learn the techniques to spark the fire back into the relationship. I hope this helps.
    .................

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by lovestruckgy
    Alexis09, Your situation is not abnormal. Its ound sto me like he is failing to see the value in the relationship. I don't want to give a long-winded reply if you have decided to give up on the relationship. But I believe your relationship can be salvaged. It will take work, but if you want him to invest in the relationship then you should make him feel valued, that he is important to you, that you want to rest things and start fresh. Every man has an obsession that we hide, it is to be a provider, to be needed. Enough for now. Reach out to me if you would like more information. Don't give up, have faith, and learn the techniques to spark the fire back into the relationship. I hope this helps.
    duplicate.

  7. #36

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    This morning I had a long, heart-to-heart talk with my husband after last night he briefly said, "I'm sorry." then when I asked why, he wasn't sure and we're in front of the kids so no more discussions afterwards.

    Today I told him everything about how I've been feeling. Having me sobbing all day for the whole week down at my work station and he didn't even bother to ask why, I thought he deserved an explanation. We dug up all the nasty past, all the series of events and circumstances that shaped me into how I am today, all the details he didn't expect to contribute much of my broken heart. And piece by piece my love for him diminished until it finally completely vanished.

    Most of the talk he spent by saying sorry. It's like a dejavu of what he always said after we fought and argued long before the kids were born. Many times I tried to escape from his life, he didn't even stop me from storming out the house and driving the car in the middle of the night. That many times I was being a foolish for not really making it happen just for the sake of pleasing people so that they wouldn't know I had a huge problem. And now it's done, my feed to the society is done, I only care about myself and my kids. And him for being around the kids.

    I said sorry too for not being able to meet his expectations of a wife should be. I told him the most fundamental thing that we never have in our marriage is the kind of love that would compensate all the bad, inconvenient things we don't like from each other. But we're just too focused on our flaws, frustrated for not meeting our ideal spouse figure. His ONLY mistake was that he never tried to fix it and accept who I am. I'm still ahead of him as I DID try to embrace him, show how loving spouses are supposed to be like, hugging and kissing, holding hands, asking how the day was and simply being there when the other's feeling low. I told him that I tried and he knew but all I kept getting was just rejection over rejection. I felt like a virus to him, thus, I'm acting one now.

    Clearly we haven't talked for too long he seemed to be surprised how I got all the concepts and realisation. I told him I've done many researches, talked to many anonymous, online, offline, gone to therapists, counselling and many other references just to confirm that I'm not crazy yet and this is just normal and there must be some scientific or spiritual explanations out there why we were met if we later couldn't stand each other. The other man I'm seeing was supposed to be the subject of my research and he knew from the beginning too. And through him, I know exactly how it is to be in love. For the first time in my life, I donít have to be someone else for anyone to like me, and the feeling is mutual. He can be just himself and I still like him. It's very relieving to have someone who's into you as much as you are him. Weíre not trying to change a single thing about ourselves. Sure there are things we donít like from each other, but we have enough to compensate them. And no, Iím not being infatuated, weíve had our ups and downs, long-distant for most of our relationship, you know I donít want to talk further about him as I know I will be condemned and thatís not really what Iím up for today.

    Long story short, my husband recently realised how such a jerk he was and now wanted to start fresh, fixing all the broken things, as he started to feel like something is wrong with his body he's about to die or whatever, must've been because of the mental exhaustion he has been dealing with for as long as I shy away from him. If I hadn't reached out today, maybe he would never have spoken forever anyway. But I respect if that's what he wants with a warning that I don't love him anymore. I'll try his way but he also needs to know in order to completely healed, I must open my heart first for him. That's something that I can't promise him, although I'm willing to try. For the sake of the children. And I told him too that their first example of relationship is ours and you know I can't fake it anymore. I told him I still love him as a friend, co-parent, roomie and the father of my children so that's just about how I can behave as right now.
    Last edited by Alexis09; 10-17-2019 at 03:36 PM.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I am sure you see that like many do these talks should happen long before the relationship devolves into what yours has. Unfortunately it usually has to get really bad before they happen.

    If you do not love him and have a guy on the side you do love then why tell your husband you will try to work on the marriage? If your ultimate goal is to get out of the marriage then why not just start the process right now? Why risk the affair coming out and making things worse?

    Lost

  9. #38
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    and will you be saying goodbye to the other guy while you work on your marriage?

  10. #39
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Hello,

    OP did you decide if you are going to cut your bf loose and focus on your marriage?

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