Unhappily married

[Alexis09]

Like war the first casualty of cheating is the truth. Interesting enough as many lies are told to oneself as to the spouse.

 

Your actions say you do not respect the vows of marriage or the promises you made. Cheaters lie to themselves first before anyone else and then continue to justify and deflect.

This will end ten times worse if you do not stop. Once your husband finds out (and he will) any chance of civility for the children will be reduced immensely. I always wonder how people explain to their children why it is okay to cheat.

 

I can see you will not stop cheating so I am not sure why you came here. Validation perhaps. In the end it was your choice to cheat and nothing we say will change that.

 

A crappy marriage has only two real types of medicine.

Intense counseling and commitment on both persons part to try and make it much better or Divorce.

 

Letting some other guy put his penis in you was never a solution...

 

Lost

 

I'm not any better than my husband, we're both bad people and I'm doing exactly what he was doing years ago. I wonder if he will be as "forgiving" as I was when I found out about his affair then. See, told you, we're so not qualified parents raising innocent children with so much hatred and revenge. The reason I came was to get more judgemental voices like yours in my life so that I'll feel better justifying my wrongdoings.

[bluecastle]

The reason I came was to get more judgemental voices like yours in my life so that I'll feel better justifying my wrongdoings.

 

Can you explain this? You want harsh judgement, so you can feel awful, so you can continue justifying what you're doing to allow yourself to feel awful? Did I read that right?

 

Look, it's about the easiest thing in the world to make a few lousy choices and go "Yeah, I'm a bad person." Then you get to fulfill that prophecy by being bad, even worse, and the rock rolls down the hill, gathering moss.

 

Skip that, I say, or try something different. I don't know how young you were when you married, or how hold your kids are, but I'm going to guess you're somewhere in the ballpark of mid-30s? If so, that means your life is still very much just beginning. That is fact—knocking on some wood to keep certain catastrophic scenarios at bay—which means you have all sorts of agency to decide how you want to live it and who you want to see when you look in the mirror.

 

Your life station right now, while complicated and fraught, is not the story of you or or him being "bad people." Just people bad for each other, and who have each made some bad choices as a result. A series of new choices can create a new story.

[DancingFool]

Listen, you are going to get all kinds of flack from random strangers online for cheating, and normally, I'd have some harsh words for you. However, sometimes life isn't that black and white. Your husband cheated and might well still be cheating given some of his behavior. Your marriage was dead before it ever began and you both said "I do", due to your personal incompatibilities.

 

I kind of have personal sympathy for you because I've sort of been in your shoes while in college. I don't mean cheating, but meeting and dating quite a few men who seemed adamantly oblivious to the idea that a woman who is seeking a doctoral degree isn't housewife material and won't be a housewife. I think in some ways I was lucky that their true attitudes came out before things got serious, as in marriage and children. You were not so lucky and married that sort of a man.

 

It really just goes back to not your tribe, not your people.

 

As for your mom, honestly, your parents worry about you and their big blinding fear is how will you make it, pay your bills, etc, etc, etc, IF you aren't with a man, any man. Fear isn't logical or rational. On the one hand, she no doubt knows full well that you are professional, well employed, capable, etc, etc, etc. On the other hand she is a few generations behind present times where it was more heavily emphasized that a woman cannot survive without a man. Either turn a bit of a blind eye to it, or simply sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her, alleviate her fears and ask for her support for what you need to do. Tell her directly that what she is doing isn't helpful to you.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. How long did it take for you to finally leave the relationship? And how old were the kids and how did they take it at first, then how long until they found stability and acceptance of the changes?

 

I took two years of off and on marriage counseling, me going to individual counseling and trying to work things out. Things continued to get worse and when he realized he couldn't push my buttons anymore, he started getting to me by using the boys. I had no idea when to end it or what to do, but the moment he hurt the boys to get at me, my decision was clear and I didn't look back. It was like a light switch moment for me.

 

They were 9 and 13.

 

How long did it take? I don't think you ever reach an end point in the process. You just subtly get used to changes and it just becomes your new normal. My ex wasn't home much and gone for days at a time for work, so the adjustment to having him gone was partly a formality.

 

Not to minimize the experience, but you asked how long until the boys found stability? The divorce hurt them, but the stability got better in a lot of ways when their father moved out. The tension was gone, mom eventually was happier and when they did see their dad, they got all of him. Not just the part time, fun dad. If there was a gift in all of this, they got more of their dad post-divorce than they ever did when we were together.

[Alexis09]

Alexis09, Your situation is not abnormal. Its ound sto me like he is failing to see the value in the relationship. I don't want to give a long-winded reply if you have decided to give up on the relationship. But I believe your relationship can be salvaged. It will take work, but if you want him to invest in the relationship then you should make him feel valued, that he is important to you, that you want to rest things and start fresh. Every man has an obsession that we hide, it is to be a provider, to be needed. Enough for now. Reach out to me if you would like more information. Don't give up, have faith, and learn the techniques to spark the fire back into the relationship. I hope this helps.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

[Alexis09]

@bluecastle, DancingFool, reinventmyself,

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I really need to work on my inner self now first. I'm so close to depression and I don't want it to affect the people I care about. I really appreciate your thoughts and inputs, different, and unbiased perspectives are what I need to hear after series of counselling I'e gone through. I hope you all find your love and happiness in life and when you have, hang on to it. Many people like us are yearning for it.

[bluecastle]

I really need to work on my inner self now first.

 

I say take this one sentence and edit it to: "I am going to start working on my inner self, now."

 

Start with a small step. Maybe, like DF said, it's having a talk with your mom and clearly telling her the kind of support you need right now—that you love her, need her as a pillar, but that it is a pillar to help you move forward, and out, of this marriage with all the grace and integrity you can muster. Maybe it's making an appointment with a therapist, to shore up another pillar. Maybe it's taking a moment—and, hey, we're here to listen—to clearly write down what you want your life to look like in, say, 2 years. Maybe...

 

I don't have the answers. The wild part is that you do: they are in there, right now, as you read these words. They just require some careful excavation, and some of that will feel like hard, manual labor of the mind and spirit. But you can't built a new home without hauling some bricks, and all human beings have it in them to lift a single brick. One at a time.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting. I read somewhere that revenge cheating is a quite common thing. Keep in mind, if you live in a western civilization you could have divorced him at that time, but for whatever reasons, decided to stay. It's your marriage, so you need to decide what you want to see going forward.

I wonder if he will be as "forgiving" as I was when I found out about his affair then.

[Hollyj]

Alexis09, Your situation is not abnormal. Its ound sto me like he is failing to see the value in the relationship. I don't want to give a long-winded reply if you have decided to give up on the relationship. But I believe your relationship can be salvaged. It will take work, but if you want him to invest in the relationship then you should make him feel valued, that he is important to you, that you want to rest things and start fresh. Every man has an obsession that we hide, it is to be a provider, to be needed. Enough for now. Reach out to me if you would like more information. Don't give up, have faith, and learn the techniques to spark the fire back into the relationship. I hope this helps.

 

.................

[Hollyj]

Alexis09, Your situation is not abnormal. Its ound sto me like he is failing to see the value in the relationship. I don't want to give a long-winded reply if you have decided to give up on the relationship. But I believe your relationship can be salvaged. It will take work, but if you want him to invest in the relationship then you should make him feel valued, that he is important to you, that you want to rest things and start fresh. Every man has an obsession that we hide, it is to be a provider, to be needed. Enough for now. Reach out to me if you would like more information. Don't give up, have faith, and learn the techniques to spark the fire back into the relationship. I hope this helps.

 

duplicate.

[Alexis09]

This morning I had a long, heart-to-heart talk with my husband after last night he briefly said, "I'm sorry." then when I asked why, he wasn't sure and we're in front of the kids so no more discussions afterwards.

 

Today I told him everything about how I've been feeling. Having me sobbing all day for the whole week down at my work station and he didn't even bother to ask why, I thought he deserved an explanation. We dug up all the nasty past, all the series of events and circumstances that shaped me into how I am today, all the details he didn't expect to contribute much of my broken heart. And piece by piece my love for him diminished until it finally completely vanished.

 

Most of the talk he spent by saying sorry. It's like a dejavu of what he always said after we fought and argued long before the kids were born. Many times I tried to escape from his life, he didn't even stop me from storming out the house and driving the car in the middle of the night. That many times I was being a foolish for not really making it happen just for the sake of pleasing people so that they wouldn't know I had a huge problem. And now it's done, my feed to the society is done, I only care about myself and my kids. And him for being around the kids.

 

I said sorry too for not being able to meet his expectations of a wife should be. I told him the most fundamental thing that we never have in our marriage is the kind of love that would compensate all the bad, inconvenient things we don't like from each other. But we're just too focused on our flaws, frustrated for not meeting our ideal spouse figure. His ONLY mistake was that he never tried to fix it and accept who I am. I'm still ahead of him as I DID try to embrace him, show how loving spouses are supposed to be like, hugging and kissing, holding hands, asking how the day was and simply being there when the other's feeling low. I told him that I tried and he knew but all I kept getting was just rejection over rejection. I felt like a virus to him, thus, I'm acting one now.

 

Clearly we haven't talked for too long he seemed to be surprised how I got all the concepts and realisation. I told him I've done many researches, talked to many anonymous, online, offline, gone to therapists, counselling and many other references just to confirm that I'm not crazy yet and this is just normal and there must be some scientific or spiritual explanations out there why we were met if we later couldn't stand each other. The other man I'm seeing was supposed to be the subject of my research and he knew from the beginning too. And through him, I know exactly how it is to be in love. For the first time in my life, I don’t have to be someone else for anyone to like me, and the feeling is mutual. He can be just himself and I still like him. It's very relieving to have someone who's into you as much as you are him. We’re not trying to change a single thing about ourselves. Sure there are things we don’t like from each other, but we have enough to compensate them. And no, I’m not being infatuated, we’ve had our ups and downs, long-distant for most of our relationship, you know I don’t want to talk further about him as I know I will be condemned and that’s not really what I’m up for today.

 

Long story short, my husband recently realised how such a jerk he was and now wanted to start fresh, fixing all the broken things, as he started to feel like something is wrong with his body he's about to die or whatever, must've been because of the mental exhaustion he has been dealing with for as long as I shy away from him. If I hadn't reached out today, maybe he would never have spoken forever anyway. But I respect if that's what he wants with a warning that I don't love him anymore. I'll try his way but he also needs to know in order to completely healed, I must open my heart first for him. That's something that I can't promise him, although I'm willing to try. For the sake of the children. And I told him too that their first example of relationship is ours and you know I can't fake it anymore. I told him I still love him as a friend, co-parent, roomie and the father of my children so that's just about how I can behave as right now.

[lostandhurt]

I am sure you see that like many do these talks should happen long before the relationship devolves into what yours has. Unfortunately it usually has to get really bad before they happen.

 

If you do not love him and have a guy on the side you do love then why tell your husband you will try to work on the marriage? If your ultimate goal is to get out of the marriage then why not just start the process right now? Why risk the affair coming out and making things worse?

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

and will you be saying goodbye to the other guy while you work on your marriage?

[lostandhurt]

Hello,

 

OP did you decide if you are going to cut your bf loose and focus on your marriage?