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Thread: Go to his house or not?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Probably gonna throw a spanner here but in my years of counseling one of my most favoured forms of therapy is what is known as Exposure Therapy.... In a nutshell it is facing that which we fear until we no longer fear it*

    I've had good results with it, myself included when it comes to spiders... I'm still not 100%. It's a work in progress...also depends on how big the spider is lol

    But I'm better than I was.. :)

    Anyway, my point being is that if you can start to flip it in your mind, and then go there when needed, I think you will find that very soon you won't really give a damn...

    If you shy away from it and try to hide away from it, it will probably haunt you for longer... Does that make sense?

    Some other examples are: After a few of my traumatizing breakups there were obviously places that were difficult to go to and music that was impossible to listen to...

    But over time and by slowly revisiting those things I'm happy to say I've reclaimed pretty much all of them...*

    Lastly, my eldest stepson contacted me 2 days ago asking if I'd go to the cinema with him (bless him*).....

    This will probably involve me having to pick him up from my exwifes house....

    I understand the 'trigger' and I don't necessarily want to see her, but if I have to I'm gonna make sure I'm looking damn good when I do....and a quick 'Hi - Bye' will suffice methinks :)

    So you can do it Goddess* - Claim your screen name coz you are!

    Start with visualizing it in your head. Picture yourself there and then if he turns up just finish up doing what you need to do and then 'Yep. Seeya..' :)

    Hope this helps*

    And by the way this was no way a ridiculous thread to start... I still miss and think about my ex almost 18 months later....

    Now THAT'S ridiculous ;-)

    Carus*
    No, that's not ridiculous. It's being human. I realise now that I need to let a bit more time pass before I can handle going to his house and feeling his "energy". Thank you.

  2. #32
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would just tell your son that. He is an adult HE needs to “ get it.” If he can live on his own he can understand mom doesn’t want anything to do with dad.

  3. #33
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    This was not your marital home --- its a new place your ex bought a few months ago, basically, when you think about it. if it were your marital home i would understand not wanting to go..

  4. #34
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I get why this concerns you, but it is a `what if' moment.
    Deal with it when and if the time comes.
    Say next week, the boy asks for the favor and in that moment you are certain there are no risks. Then do it.
    Between now and then, don't worry about it.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Cut the cord, honey. This isn't about your ex-husband. Your son needs to know how to be responsible for his pets and find appropriate sitters without calling on mum all the time. I understand things are raw with the separation/divorce. It's your relationship with your son that concerns me more because it seems more like you over-extend yourself and your son isn't learning much in the way of independence.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Cut the cord, honey. This isn't about your ex-husband. Your son needs to know how to be responsible for his pets and find appropriate sitters without calling on mum all the time. I understand things are raw with the separation/divorce. It's your relationship with your son that concerns me more because it seems more like you over-extend yourself and your son isn't learning much in the way of independence.
    With all due respect, my son knows how to be responsible, probably more than most. And, he does not call me all the time. If you read my original post, I stated that he's called me 2 times, perhaps 3, in a year. Are you so independent that you never need anyone's assistance??? Come one, let's be realistic. I did him 2 favours in a year. That's not a lot, IMHO.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I would just tell your son that. He is an adult HE needs to “ get it.” If he can live on his own he can understand mom doesn’t want anything to do with dad.
    He does get it but, sometimes, people need a favour. I did that for him twice in a year. I don't think that makes him irresponsible. Things happen in life that one is unable to control. Plain and simple.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I get why this concerns you, but it is a `what if' moment.
    Deal with it when and if the time comes.
    Say next week, the boy asks for the favor and in that moment you are certain there are no risks. Then do it.
    Between now and then, don't worry about it.
    You're right. I tend to worry about things that might happen in the future and I'd like to be prepared and think things through before I do something that I'll regret.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    With all due respect, my son knows how to be responsible, probably more than most. And, he does not call me all the time. If you read my original post, I stated that he's called me 2 times, perhaps 3, in a year. Are you so independent that you never need anyone's assistance??? Come one, let's be realistic. I did him 2 favours in a year. That's not a lot, IMHO.
    You're going to give yourself a heart attack at this rate. The worries are disproportionate and I'm not sure where they're coming from as they don't sound like just worry. Are you upset about the house in general or anything associated with the house? Ie. bring back memories or anxiety? Try and re-focus: your own goals, own life and work and other things going on with you and work through that anxiety.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You're going to give yourself a heart attack at this rate. The worries are disproportionate and I'm not sure where they're coming from as they don't sound like just worry. Are you upset about the house in general or anything associated with the house? Ie. bring back memories or anxiety? Try and re-focus: your own goals, own life and work and other things going on with you and work through that anxiety.
    Yes, I know. I need to stop worrying so much about "what if's". It's just that if I go to the house, I know it will just re-kindle memories, good and bad. I still feel so hurt, rejected and humiliated for being kicked to the curb. As one poster said, the house is filled with his "energy" and I don't want to think about him, if at all possible. I need to move forward and re-focus; you're right. For all I know, my son will never call me to feed his cats so the worry/anxiety that I'm experiencing is counter-productive and downright ridiculous. I realise that it's going to take a long time for me to heal. I'm doing the best I can. Thanks for your input.

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