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Thread: Fiancé going back to Uni

  1. #1

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    Fiancé going back to Uni

    Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.
    Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.
    I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can't stop him from doing what he wants. However you can let him move out and pay child support and childcare bills while you go back to work. He is strong-arming you with an ultimatum. Who owns the house you both currently live in? He can have a tantrum, run away and live with his daddy, but he still will have to pay child support and whatever his half of the mortgage/rent is.

    Do not focus on being a sahm the first two years of your kid's life. Focus on arranging employment and child care and discuss with an attorney what your options are if he abandons the lease, doesn't pay his share of the mortgage or refuses to pay child support. He's not your finance if there are no wedding plans.
    Originally Posted by Jadebx
    We have a 2 year old and a house. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Jadebx
    Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.
    Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.
    I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!
    You haven’t told the full story and until you do , no one can offer any sound advice.

    Do you plan on ever having more children?
    Who will stay at home then? You or him?

    It makes sense to move to his fathers and rent out the home if there is no income otherwise.
    But you failed to say where he wanted you and your child to live? If at his fathers too then yes that’s a great way for you both to further your careers.

    What’s the problem? I don’t actually see one!?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jadebx
    Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.
    Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.
    I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!
    Bwwhhhaaat? So you wanna work during the day and go to school in the evenings? Where does that leave your kid? You wanna talk about pressure, but that sounds like quite a bit to put on a partner as well. There's a whole lot here to unpack before anyone can in good conscience tell you to just gun for single parenthood and to bank on any decent amount of child support when your "OH" has told you outright he's sacrificing his income, though legal advice and preparedness are never bad things to have.

    You definitely need to talk to him, and to do so collaboratively. Did this ultimatum really just fall out of the sky? Or is this you just as well digging your heels in? It's difficult to paint him as the bad guy when your own goals would seem to equally, if not more so put pressure on your partner. Looking back honestly, how unfair is it really of him to want to reciprocate the financial support as he takes over SAH duties? He owns the house (and I'm guessing put in the down payment), but were financially dependent on him at all before the kid? Are you not welcome to likewise stay at his father's should you not be willing or able to find a job with financial sustenance, or do you simply not want to even if it would mean you could both pursue your goals?

    I do completely agree that you shouldn't be assuming primary financial responsibility of an asset you don't have ownership of. Some states do have protections for this, but I wouldn't bank on them in lieu of formal joint-ownership or at the very least an enforceable contract to guarantee a stake in the home value proportionate to what you put in. I would voice this concern as well.

    I'd seriously consider a counselor, though. Guy could be a complete ***hole, but generally speaking there are easier ways to manipulate someone into paying your mortgage while you go to school than getting someone pregnant and financially supporting them as a stay-at-home for two years. Sounds like there's a decent amount of resentment built up, and it's far from me to say what's justified or not, especially given the lack of detail provided. A professional third party would likely go a long way in coming to a mutually beneficial agreement.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Jadebx
    Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.
    Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.
    I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!
    Why should you be grateful, you were raising your child. You need to get out of this mindset.

    What he is doing is really manipulative and selfish. I would also assume that his needs and wants always come first?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Bwwhhhaaat? So you wanna work during the day and go to school in the evenings? Where does that leave your kid? You wanna talk about pressure, but that sounds like quite a bit to put on a partner as well. There's a whole lot here to unpack before anyone can in good conscience tell you to just gun for single parenthood and to bank on any decent amount of child support when your "OH" has told you outright he's sacrificing his income, though legal advice and preparedness are never bad things to have.

    You definitely need to talk to him, and to do so collaboratively. Did this ultimatum really just fall out of the sky? Or is this you just as well digging your heels in? It's difficult to paint him as the bad guy when your own goals would seem to equally, if not more so put pressure on your partner. Looking back honestly, how unfair is it really of him to want to reciprocate the financial support as he takes over SAH duties? He owns the house (and I'm guessing put in the down payment), but were financially dependent on him at all before the kid? Are you not welcome to likewise stay at his father's should you not be willing or able to find a job with financial sustenance, or do you simply not want to even if it would mean you could both pursue your goals?

    I do completely agree that you shouldn't be assuming primary financial responsibility of an asset you don't have ownership of. Some states do have protections for this, but I wouldn't bank on them in lieu of formal joint-ownership or at the very least an enforceable contract to guarantee a stake in the home value proportionate to what you put in. I would voice this concern as well.

    I'd seriously consider a counselor, though. Guy could be a complete ***hole, but generally speaking there are easier ways to manipulate someone into paying your mortgage while you go to school than getting someone pregnant and financially supporting them as a stay-at-home for two years. Sounds like there's a decent amount of resentment built up, and it's far from me to say what's justified or not, especially given the lack of detail provided. A professional third party would likely go a long way in coming to a mutually beneficial agreement.

    Deleted...

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You two are not acting as a team. Couples who respect each other have mature discussions about major decisions, giving each others point of view, and discussing all of the pros and cons, and then coming to a consensus. Improvement will have to be made in that area, whether it be through couples counseling or at the very least, reading books together on couples communication, or it will build so much bitterness, possibly ending the partnership.

    What's your relationship like otherwise? Do you feel like a priority? Is he a good father? Do you share the same ethics and relationship boundaries?

  9. #8
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    I doubt this ultimatum came from thin air.

    It sounds like you both want to pursue your dreams and they are clashing. Neither of you is supporting the other.

    I don't see him wanting you to be a SAHM and then suddenly giving you this ultimatum. You've left out some of the story, probably the part where you sound like a jerk as well.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So you put yourself in the position of being totally financially dependent on him for yourself and your child? Living in his house too?
    And now you expect he help you get through college too?

    I think you failed to plan before having a child, and your expectations are unrealistic. You both need to adjust your thinking.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    It's just nuts for me how low the expectations have been normalized when it comes to women providing for themselves and their own children .
    Having a child and being engaged does not absolve you of the responsibility as a grown person to be financially solvent and able to put a roof over the head of you and your child.
    This idea that you are being forced to give up your future career if god forbid you have to work full time is ludicrous!
    No one, not even your partner, owes you a living.
    The idea of you working part-time, and going to college, while he is in charge of child care and bills.... Crazy.

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