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Thread: Red flag or not?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Red flag or not?

    So I've been dating this guy for 1 month and a half. I've posted a little bit about it on another thread.

    We're both on our late twenties. We're usually together 2 times a week and I love being with him. Even with my language limitations I feel that we have a great time together. We haven't "discussed the relationship" yet and we've been keeping it light and breezy, but I've decided that it was time to start asking some questions, see if we have the same goals and are on the same page. I have a little trouble with this type of communication and since he hasn't initiated this type of conversation I decided it was time.

    So the other day I asked him when was the last time he was in a relationship (I don't want rebound relationships and stuff) and he answered little uncomfortably that he never had a serious relationship before and when I asked him when was the last time he was with someone (besides me) he said vaguely "a long time ago". Then I asked him if the reason for never having had a serious relationship was because he wasn't interested in that and didn't want or for other reasons and he said that it simply never happened maybe due to timing. He was a bit vague and again a little uncomfortable answering this.

    Should I take this as a red flag to the possibility of having a relationship with him in the future? I like him a lot but I'm still getting to know him so it's too soon for decisions yet.
    Last edited by Annia; 12-10-2018 at 10:27 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't see this as a red flag.

    Just sounds pretty classically (20something) male, on the communication front: a bit skittish, a bit stunted. I understand it's a bit frustrating, as you'd generally like some information, and particularly would like to know you're with someone capable of expressing himself, sharing, and so on.

    But it's early. You're having a great time. Keep doing that and, hopefully, that vagueness becomes more clear and that discomfort of his wanes.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Perhaps he's a bit embarrassed to not have had a relationship with anyone, ever. He may not want to admit that so he makes it look like it's been a long while. I dont see it as a red flag.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Perhaps he's a bit embarrassed to not have had a relationship with anyone, ever. He may not want to admit that so he makes it look like it's been a long while. I dont see it as a red flag.
    I was more talking about him never having had a serious relationship. I thought it could show that he doesn't want/ can't commit or is more looking for casual relationships. But it might not have happened for timing reasons or not having met the right person so it might not be a red flag by itself. Maybe his lack of experience when it comes to serious relationships is also what makes him more closed off to talk about these things and give vague answers or not wanting to talk much about it.

    I think next time I'll try to talk about him about us and try to understand where he wants things to go in the future. He doesn't treat me like something casual though through his actions when he's with me.

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  6. #5
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    Well, is he showing you signs of not being able to commit? You've been dating him for a month and a half, how are things going? Or are you just looking for a reason to bail out of your relationship? What is happening that made you ask him about his previous relationships? Maybe you need to guide him and tell him what you need him to do. My first girlfriend told me it was obvious that I hadn't had a girlfriend before, but she never told me what she wanted me to do differently. So what is he doing that makes you think that having previous relationships is important.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It depends if you are happy with him or not. If you are trying to rule him out or determine if he is a player because of some other problem then this line of questioning may reveal some issues. However you say he treats you well, not like flavor of the month?

    It also depend why you want this information. Are you just curious? Are you trying to "connect" by having relationship talks? Are you playing a defensive game where whatever dating history or lack thereof gives you a reason to not get involved?

    In his mind he may feel you are trying to find fault or start an breakup. "Relationship talks" are not for curiosity, entertainment, "connecting", etc because this line of questioning is a bit invasive and seems to want to pry out whatever "defects" he has.

    Take a deep breath and notice how he treats you. Do not go by rule books or whatever latest article online about men and "red flags".
    Originally Posted by Annia
    I think next time I'll try to talk about him about us and try to understand where he wants things to go in the future. He doesn't treat me like something casual though through his actions when he's with me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well, I mean how old are you both? If a guy is in his 40's and has never had a serious relationship, yeah, it's a red flag. If a guy is in is 20's - that's quite normal. So some of this is relative and not some kind of a black and white situation.

    Why not actually ask what you really want to know instead of this kind of passive aggressive questioning and then judging? If you want to talk exclusivity, then address it directly. If you want to know if he sees long term relationship potential with you, ask. Keep in mind that even if you talk about these things, it doesn't guarantee anything, but still. Address directly what's actually on your mind. Life is so much easier that way.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It depends if you are happy with him or not. If you are trying to rule him out or determine if he is a player because of some other problem then this line of questioning may reveal some issues. However you say he treats you well, not like flavor of the month?

    It also depend why you want this information. Are you just curious? Are you trying to "connect" by having relationship talks? Are you playing a defensive game where whatever dating history or lack thereof gives you a reason to not get involved?

    In his mind he may feel you are trying to find fault or start an breakup. "Relationship talks" are not for curiosity, entertainment, "connecting", etc because this line of questioning is a bit invasive and seems to want to pry out whatever "defects" he has.

    Take a deep breath and notice how he treats you. Do not go by rule books or whatever latest article online about men and "red flags".
    I think I asked to gauge on the potential of a relationship between us and to have a general idea of his dating past. But I'm afraid and I'll agree that the way I asked was too abrupt and it might have seemed invasive like you said. I think I'll sit back and relax and stop these kinds of talk. I don't know if I want a relationship with him yet or not and we're still getting to know each other and having fun so I guess it's not the right timing for this kind of talk. I should let him talk about this stuff when and if he wants.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well, I mean how old are you both? If a guy is in his 40's and has never had a serious relationship, yeah, it's a red flag. If a guy is in is 20's - that's quite normal. So some of this is relative and not some kind of a black and white situation.

    Why not actually ask what you really want to know instead of this kind of passive aggressive questioning and then judging? If you want to talk exclusivity, then address it directly. If you want to know if he sees long term relationship potential with you, ask. Keep in mind that even if you talk about these things, it doesn't guarantee anything, but still. Address directly what's actually on your mind. Life is so much easier that way.
    We're both on our late twenties.

    I don't think I was being passive aggressive but I confess that I sometimes have some problems being direct about what I want and my boundaries and standards. I think it's maybe too soon for relationship talk but I'll try to address it directly when I feel that it's time. I hope he didn't feel I was judging him or looking for something wrong. It wasn't my intention.

    I think that I'm going through a stage of "excessive compensation for my past mistakes", where I end up overreacting and over thinking things just because I'm afraid of making a mistake or overlooking red flags like in the past. But I know I need to relax, go with the flow and be direct when I have to be.

  11. #10
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    I think that I'm going through a stage of "excessive compensation for my past mistakes", where I end up overreacting and over thinking things just because I'm afraid of making a mistake or overlooking red flags like in the past. But I know I need to relax, go with the flow and be direct when I have to be.
    lolol excessive compensation ...I know just what you mean .

    Annia it isn't all bad to think that way ...you know what you don't want ...you have learnt by past mistakes , you don't want a repeat performance , it is all good and healthy ..the whole point is to learn from the past BS .... just chill now a little and know you have done a good job in recognising what you don't want .

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