Is he embarrassed or is it just cold feet?

Hi guys!

Would really appreciate your input on my "strange" situation. Thank you in advance for reading the mini essay that I'm about to write to explain it all. Sorry it's a little graphic but just explaining the whole story.

So here goes! I've been seeing this guy for two and a half months (yes I know it's not long). He is 28 and I'm 26 (I'm a girl - incase this matters to the story).

We had been messaging before meeting for a good couple of weeks. Nothing sexual just very friendly and it appeared we had a lot on common so we met (those weeks before meeting were not included in the 2.5 months).

We met and it was one of the easiest first date I've ever been on - he even felt so too. There was chemistry there which really kicked off when we had our first kiss on our third date - I know a bit of a wait for a first kiss but nothing more happened.

By time the we got to the 5th date he asked me to be his girlfriend and we agreed upon sexual exclusivity. To be fair we both hadn't been seeing anyone esle anyway.

I really questioned why he felt the need to ask me so soon. Especially as we haven't had sex yet. He said he didn't need that to know how he felt. In all fairness he said he hadn't met someone like me since moving to the city 3 years ago. I genuinely believed him as I hadn't met anyone like him since my ex. There was a genuine connection.

We were intimate in other ways but without actual intercourse after the first kiss. The sexual chemisty was there, we had built it up like crazy through sexting and stuff like that.

Anyway fast forward to a couple of dates later when it comes to us finally having sex. He goes to put on the condom and the excitement got to him and let's say it's was "over" from him just putting it on. He was mortified! I reasured him it was okay. I took it as a compliment and left it at that. We did other stuff and it was perfect and just as intimate whether we had penetrative sex or not. To be fair the sexual tension was intense from before so I knew he wouldn't be able to last long anyway. So it came as no surprise to me.

Following that we did end up having sex after a few more dates. It was lovely but I could still sense how nervous he was with it all. To be fair he thinks I'm some sexual goddess. I'm not but what we had done in the past was so electric he couldn't get over it. Also all the sexting and stuff made him think I'm some sort of expert. Not the case as there has only been a few men I've been intimate with before him. I've dated an awful lot of guys but it takes building up trust before getting intimate with someone. Something I genuinely had with him. He knew that I am all about a connection before having sex with someome.

So the issue started a couple weeks back. We had the most romantic date ever he put so much effort into to make it perfect and it was. Things started to get hot and heavy and he went to put on a condom. By time he pulls me into him he loses his "excitement". Again I could tell he was embarrassed. He took care of me and I didn't push anymore and we fell asleep. Get up for work the next day and I took care of eachother without actual sex. To me this was more than enough.

After that night he was as attentive as always via text and on the phone. Hinted to meet a couple days later but it was before I went away on holiday for the weekend. I couldn't as I had been finishing work late and had to also pack - he understood and that was fine. Anyway while away he was texting the "I miss yous

" and all that jazz. When I was back he arranged to meet to finish off a movie and for dinner on the Friday.

Friday swings around. I'm really tired as I came back mid-week from holiday and work was intense catching up with everything. We ate dinner and cuddled to TV and I fell asleep a little. I woke up and like most new couples things started to get hot and heavy again. He puts on a condom and is on top of me ready to go. But lost "it" again! This time I can see sheer upset in his face. He nestled his face in my neck and took care of me with his hands. After he couldn't even look at me. He took off the condom and put back on his underwear - we usually sleep naked. He rolled onto the bed and he didn't speak to me. I asked if he was okay and all he said was "yeah". We didn't speak about it as I know it's a conversation you don't have while still in bed with a man. Anyway we both fell asleep. Thought I would bring it up another time when we had some privacy and wasn't in his room.

Next morning we work up he made me breakfast in bed but he is being quiet. We cuddled and watched TV for most of the day. He was out that evening with friends so we both walked to the station together. All seemed fine minus him being quiet as we was making plans for our next date ect.

We wasn't text heavy couple. I knew he was out with friends that evening. Knew he would be super hungover the next day and I was out with friends during that Sunday anyway. That said it wasn't like him not to text. So dropped him a text in the evening and he replied normally but didn't reply to my reply. Brushed it off as he is tired. Didn't register as a big deal at the time only does now looking back.

The next couple of days he was distant. I pushed as to what was up and he said he has been in a "weird place the last couple of days". It wasn't until the Sunday after he comes out with he has cold feet and "can't make me happy long term". This was two Sundays ago. We haven't spoken back since.

I've dated guys who get cold feet. He did not have any signs of it prior to the Friday. He was the one arranging all the dates. He had his chance to pull away while I was on holiday or even when I was exhausted when I came back from it. He didn't. He was initiating everything and was just as soppy as he always had been via text and phone. It wasn't until the "incident" on Friday night he switched. Honestly he changed from that moment it happen again.

Truth is I never mentioned the premature ejaculation or the erectile dysfunction that followed after. I also never made him feel bad about it but for a man that is so young I can see why it would be an issue for him.

We had built up the expectations of sex so high before actually doing the deed. We literally fancy the pants off eachother and can't keep our hands off each other. So there was tonnes of sexual tension! This added alot of pressure for him. He even said once we had sex for the first time at least the pressure was off... Clearly it wasn't!

I don't think it is a case of him not being happy as people at his work noticed how happy he was and how it was all down to me. He would show me off to all his friends and family. Although his friends did make a reference that "she is too good for you". Which again must have played on his mind when he "was failing me" in the bedroom. It was not a failure at all as he was making me so happy in so many other ways.

If there wasn't a genuine connection there I would just let it go. But I feel it is too unfinished to just walk away.

Out of all the guys I've dated, he has honestly treated me like a true gentleman and was amazing to me.

Do you guys think I should address the issue? As to me this is more than merely the classic case of cold feet.

Would appreciate your advice guys. Thank you x

Yeah, you know, it's incredibly embarrassing to a man to have both PE and ED. And it's a natural reaction to want to run and hide or to push you away and hide from you. Psychologically, he may have put too much pressure on himself. I can tell you that my first couple of times didn't go too well either.

Anyways, if you don't want to lose this guy, you've got to get him over the embarrassment of what's happened and work with him to get him where he wants to be.

This is where you can learn some techniques used by sexual therapists. (You can Google sexual therapy for more ideas.) For example, you might want to invite him over and tell him there won't be any sex for that night, but you are going to explore each other's sexuality. The both of you get naked and you touch each other's bodies. You run your hands all over him and he does the same. Massage him and tickle him with a feather and other soft objects. Try to relax him and calm him down. Let him take a good look at you. Try to resist the urge to have sex with him. See how it goes.

Another night, you can start off the same way, but then move to masturbating him. Let him come and let him rest and then start again. He's a young man and he might be able to come again. If he suffers ED, see if you can interest him again. Maybe add in some oral.

Anyways, the whole idea is to get him to relax with you and try to make it a game. See what keeps him hard and work on that. Perhaps you can move on to mutual masturbation -- again, resist having intercourse until he's more comfortable.

You might consider going on the pill so he won't have the fear of getting you pregnant (sometimes that causes ED) and he doesn't have to mess around with condoms. And you keep working on this until finally you get to the point where you can have intercourse in a normal fashion. These exercises can also build an intimacy you may never have experienced before.

It's not a case of cold feet, but rather a problem of sexual tension. If you're willing to work on this with him, and he's willing to give it a go, it can lead to a very rewarding relationship. Hopefully you can calm things down and everything will be OK.

Hi DanZee,

Thank you for reading - only seeing it posted have I realised it was practically a mini novel! I really appreciate your advice.

I really don't want to lose him. Like I said he is a lovely guy.

I don't know how to approach him with the matter. I've given him space. Thought it would give him a chance to miss me and realise there was more to us than just sexual chemisty. As what we had honestly went beyond that.

We haven't been in contact in almost two weeks now (this Sunday makes it two weeks). I know he won't initiate contact as he is too embarrassed right now.

So I'm no confused as to whether I mention the elephant in the room when I contact him or just keep it friendly and hint to meet. As I hinted to meet and talk two Sundays ago but he felt it wouldn't be benefitial to either of us at the time.

Thank you for suggesting some technics for me to try if I can get to that stage with him. Funny enough the morning after the first time the ED struck we used only hands. Even he was shocked in how he came twice in quick succession. Makes me feel maybe he hasn't had anyone be that patient with him before.

He is fully aware of the fact I'm on birth-control. The only reason we have been using condoms was for STI protection - we haven't gone and got tested together as a couple yet as it's early days.

I trust him enough not to be sleeping around though as we did have a "round" without any protection which was foolish on my part. He was able to stay hard for that but could sense my apprehensions as I was nervous without any protection. To me one of the most intimates acts of sex is having a man finish inside you. So was scared he wouldn't pull out in time. So I think he sensed my fears as I may have even looked like I wasn't enjoying it. So that may have even knocked his confidence even more. As he didn't know about how I feel about how intimate that is.

So all in all... I don't know how to approach and not scare him away!

Any ideas on how to get back in contact with him?

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like way too much way too soon. Was he a virgin? He sounds rather inexperienced. Unfortunately after 10 weeks of dating he simply lost interest. It sounds like there was a lack of sexual compatibility.

You are assuming it's because he had some episodes of PE, but he may not have wanted anything long term.

No do not "address the issue". You are not a therapist. He broke up and went no contact for any number of reasons. Don't try to "fix him".

The next couple of days he was distant. I pushed as to what was up and he said he has been in a "weird place the last couple of days". It wasn't until the Sunday after he comes out with he has cold feet and "can't make me happy long term". This was two Sundays ago. We haven't spoken back since. Do you guys think I should address the issue?

Wiseman2,

Thank you for your input.

He had a couple long term-ish relationships before me, one of which was 4 years. So I am highly doubt he was a virgin. Besides the other stuff we did felt incredibly natural and like he knew what he was doing.

He had been single for a long time before meeting me.

I wouldn't say we wasn't sexually compatible. We seemed to have all the same likes and dislikes in the bedroom discovered through sexting.

The issue honestly hit full swing when he couldn't look at me after it happened the last time.

We were like teenagers and couldn't keep our hands off each other before that night. There was an incident when we was just kissing on a bench and hands all over the place and he got too excited and "messed" his underwear. So I don't think it was because he wasn't "in to me". But proves he just is not that experienced - lack of experience isn't a reason to not want to continue something with someone either.

He was definitely looking for something long term. I don't think he would have mentioned me to everyone in his life if he didn't want it. He is very relationship driven.

I know it's not my job to fix him. But it seems a shame to throw away something that felt like it had potential to blossom from "the incident".

Yes there are numbers of reasons he could have pulled away but I think it's more than just a coincidence that it happened after that!

I don't know I could be wrong. It would be a shame not to try at least.

He broke up for whatever reasons and you need to respect that. Who cares what the reasons are? He doesn't want to date any further and texted you this then went no contact. Backpedaling to change his mind never works.

He hasn't contacted you, he knows your contact info if he were interested. Who knows, maybe an ex came back, maybe he found someone else, maybe he just doesn't want the seriousness you expect. Drop it. It was 10 weeks of dating.

There is nothing to "try" after someone ends it. Leave the poor guy alone and accept it's over. "Potential" is your impression, but obviously he didn't see it that way.

same likes and dislikes in the bedroom discovered through sexting. But it seems a shame to throw away something that felt like it had potential to blossom from "the incident".

I respect his decision if it made sense. He was asking friend's of weekend away ideas and all that the week before. Doesn't sound like a man with cold feet at all or someone with another women on the go!

It is not about changing his mind. It's more of a case of understanding. Yes despite it only being 10 weeks I still feel I deserve a valid explanation even if he "found" someone else or got back with an ex.

It's a little hard to believe as what with work commitments, time spent with friends and then time we spent together. As it did no leave much time for "someone else". Even in his time spent alone he would document his game play with me as we are both into old school.video games.

That all said I never pushed for the "seriousness" it was all him.

He was the one making "future" plans so obviously less than a week before he saw "potential"

Now I've dated a guy who left for someone else. There was signs! I've also dated a guy who genuinely got cold feet. Again there was signs.

The only thing that was a hiccup was his issues "downstairs". I'm not a guy but I know how hard that is for them to face.

I had a friend in a long term realationships (still with her partner now). She has never seen her partner cry in all the years she has been with him. He hit a stage in his life were ED was a problem due to another health issue. It took ages for him for him to open up and when he did he broke down in front of her. They were together 8 years at the time.

Yes I know I don't have the "8 years" with this guy but it seems too much of a coincidence that him pulling away was literally after the last event. So for it to be another factor seems very unlikely. Like I said things were going so well.

We've never had a disagreement. In fact my friends were envious by how well we were getting on as they haven't had that with anyone they had been dating for 10 weeks. I wasn't imagining things.

This is why I feel it's at least worth addressing. If following that it doesn't work. So be it.

Imagine him having his ego knocked due to performance anxiety. Then for the girl to take the "break up" gracefully. She never intiates contact. Wouldn't that be just as damaging to his ego?

Maybe I am reading into it too much. But it feels too unfinished!

That's not your decision. It made sense to him to end it. He hasn't contacted you and that makes sense to him as well. You need to let go and accept he ended it. If this is a pattern, can you explore that with a therapist? Dating briefly, you are thinking "future!", they end it, then you obsess? Hopefully it's just inexperience with dating on both of your parts.

I respect his decision if it made sense.

So the odd thing I found was that you are on board with not having sex until the timing is right, and waiting and yet you questioned him as to why to be exclusive before having sex. What's the connection? Certainly people can choose to be sexually monogamous but not exclusive -not committed -just "safe sex" or deciding that is their boundary -but he was asking you for more of an emotional commitment -he saw potential and he wanted to foster that by agreeing not to date anyone else or look to date anyone else. If you weren't ready yet emotionally cool but he might have been put off by you questioning why it was needed since you weren't yet having intercourse.

Also he may simply have had enough of the sexual issues with you and believes for some reason he won't have them with someone else. Yes after 10 weeks he should not go MIA. That's a jerky thing to do. I think you have to just do nothing and move on. I'm sorry you're disappointed.

The next couple of days he was distant. I pushed as to what was up and he said he has been in a "weird place the last couple of days". It wasn't until the Sunday after he comes out with he has cold feet and "can't make me happy long term".

He didn't ghost. He told her didn't see this going long term. A perfectly fine thing to do, if after 10 weeks he decides, she's just not what he wants. He gave her the "it's me, not you" and "confused" reasons to exit. Very common.

Yes after 10 weeks he should not go MIA. That's a jerky thing to do

If it were me, and keep in mind I am a very direct person, I would call him and say “look, I want to be with you. I want to talk this through and try to make this work together because you made me happy in all the ways that count. Can we meet?”

What have you got to lose?? As of right now, he’s pretty much gone anyways so you won’t be risking losing him. The worst he can say is no, and then you’re in the exact same situation you’re in right now.

Great connections are hard to come by. You don’t watch the 3rd strike go by...you swing. Because it’s a lot easier to say something and wish you hadn’t, than to say nothing and wish you had.

So the odd thing I found was that you are on board with not having sex until the timing is right, and waiting and yet you questioned him as to why to be exclusive before having sex. What's the connection? Certainly people can choose to be sexually monogamous but not exclusive -not committed -just "safe sex" or deciding that is their boundary -but he was asking you for more of an emotional commitment -he saw potential and he wanted to foster that by agreeing not to date anyone else or look to date anyone else. If you weren't ready yet emotionally cool but he might have been put off by you questioning why it was needed since you weren't yet having intercourse.

 

Also he may simply have had enough of the sexual issues with you and believes for some reason he won't have them with someone else. Yes after 10 weeks he should not go MIA. That's a jerky thing to do. I think you have to just do nothing and move on. I'm sorry you're disappointed.

I was completely ready for that. As we had established a really lovely connection by this point. So seemed a very natural thing to do.

The reason I questioned it was I've dated many guys but haven't been intimate with them. They have said all sorts just to get into my pants. So made me cautious.

I was scoping out where he was coming from asking me to be his girlfriend. We live in a day and age now that term doesn't count for much anymore. I was guaging what it meant to him. We expressed what both of us see as a relationship. Again different people view it differently. We were in agreement as to what a relationship meant to both of us so went forward. He seemed incredibly genuine and ready to transition into a "relationship".

Maybe you are right. Maybe he feels he can go and not have those issues with someone esle I have no idea. Guess I never will really know.

If it were me, and keep in mind I am a very direct person, I would call him and say “look, I want to be with you. I want to talk this through and try to make this work together because you made me happy in all the ways that count. Can we meet?”

 

What have you got to lose?? As of right now, he’s pretty much gone anyways so you won’t be risking losing him. The worst he can say is no, and then you’re in the exact same situation you’re in right now.

 

Great connections are hard to come by. You don’t watch the 3rd strike go by...you swing. Because it’s a lot easier to say something and wish you hadn’t, than to say nothing and wish you had.

Thank you for your reply. I have been very tempted to do this. Like you said what have I got to lose?

Besides maybe I'll come off looking the "crazy" girl but at least I tried.

Like you said I good connection is hard to comr by.

One benifit guess it will give him a bit of an ego boost regardless of the outcome. Let's face it after everything he could do with that to be fair.

He's got issues and you need to just let him get on with that. He knows you liked him a lot and didn't want this to end. Just set him free to sort out his issues (and I bet he's had these issues a very long time).

Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. If your happy to let him back in later on, let him in. Go on other dates and see what happens with someone else. Don't chase this guy because you will never really know if he wanted to come back on his own.

 

The next couple of days he was distant. I pushed as to what was up and he said he has been in a "weird place the last couple of days". It wasn't until the Sunday after he comes out with he has cold feet and "can't make me happy long term". This was two Sundays ago. We haven't spoken back since.

 

What was your response when he told you that? Did you reply back? If so, what did you say?

Thank you for your reply. I have been very tempted to do this. Like you said what have I got to lose?

 

Besides maybe I'll come off looking the "crazy" girl but at least I tried.

 

Like you said I good connection is hard to comr by.

 

One benifit guess it will give him a bit of an ego boost regardless of the outcome. Let's face it after everything he could do with that to be fair.

I think what you have to lose is that if he is on the fence that is likely to push him to the "no thanks" side. Of course a good connection is hard to come by. But right now that connection is one sided, whatever it was in the very beginning. That beginning connection can be revived but you increase the risk of creating more distance by crowding him with needy contact. Let him see what life is like without you, let him miss you, let him see if his feet warm up on their own.

My very first boyfriend struggled with PE. Not as bad as your guy, but when we first started having sex, he would cum in like 5-10 seconds, it was super frustrating for him.

We were very young (early 20s) and I remember him talking to his mom about it (they were super close).

As for me, I never made an issue about it; I was always like it didn't matter, I love you and hell we don't even need to have sex! I just enjoy spending time with you.

That seemed to take the pressure off, and in time, his PE disappeared.

Like your bf, he told me he had never been so sexually attracted in his life, and his nerves just got the best of him. Like your bf, he'd cum in his pants too just from making out.

I think the best thing you could do (if/when he contacts you again) is take the focus off sex, and just enjoy spending time together.

If he feels pressured to perform sexually and "make you happy," that pressure will result in him not being able to make you happy sexually (i.e. PE or ED).

Let him know you're happy to just spend time, that's what I did, and his PE disappeared eventually. We dated four years.

He's got issues and you need to just let him get on with that. He knows you liked him a lot and didn't want this to end. Just set him free to sort out his issues (and I bet he's had these issues a very long time).

 

Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. If your happy to let him back in later on, let him in. Go on other dates and see what happens with someone else. Don't chase this guy because you will never really know if he wanted to come back on his own.

Don't get me wrong I'm not going to sit and pine for him. I am at a stage in my life I am ready for a relationship with someone and share my life with them.

That said I would like to at least move forward knowing I tried with him. Sitting back and waiting isn't trying.

I think what you have to lose is that if he is on the fence that is likely to push him to the "no thanks" side. Of course a good connection is hard to come by. But right now that connection is one sided, whatever it was in the very beginning. That beginning connection can be revived but you increase the risk of creating more distance by crowding him with needy contact. Let him see what life is like without you, let him miss you, let him see if his feet warm up on their own.

During the entire relationship I was never the slightest bit needy or suffocating.

I've been in a suffocating relationship before this is why I've learnt to give someone space as I've didn't have it for my self.

We both kept up with friends of our own and stuff. So me reaching out now would it still be considered needy? As I was never the smothering type?

Obviously I don't want to push him away but I don't want him to think I don't care either. I was very calm during the "break-up" convo which may have come across I did not really care.

My very first boyfriend struggled with PE. Not as bad as your guy, but when we first started having sex, he would cum in like 5-10 seconds, it was super frustrating for him.

 

We were very young (early 20s) and I remember him talking to his mom about it (they were super close).

 

As for me, I never made an issue about it; I was always like it didn't matter, I love you and hell we don't even need to have sex! I just enjoy spending time with you.

 

That seemed to take the pressure off, and in time, his PE disappeared.

 

Like your bf, he told me he had never been so sexually attracted in his life, and his nerves just got the best of him. Like your bf, he'd cum in his pants too just from making out.

 

I think the best thing you could do (if/when he contacts you again) is take the focus off sex, and just enjoy spending time together.

 

If he feels pressured to perform sexually and "make you happy," that pressure will result in him not being able to make you happy sexually (i.e. PE or ED).

 

Let him know you're happy to just spend time, that's what I did, and his PE disappeared eventually. We dated four years.

With regards to what I said to "he can't make me happy long term" as it was all during the "break-up" conversation. I didn't actually address it as I don't believe talking feelings via text. So I just suggested we meet and talk about it. But we didn't as he felt it was not benifitical. It was late at night we both had work the next day so he said he was off to sleep. We didn't talk back since...

I did say how I really enjoy his company. He said he really enjoyed spending time with me too that night he was breaking up with me.

Thank you for sharing that. To be fair my first boyfriend was the same with the PE. It's not a deal breaker for me at all.

Thing is with this guy he thinks I'm "super experienced" so guess he must feel he is really letting me down. Which is not the case and I like him beyond the sex as there are many ways to be intimate with someone.

If I get to that stage with him again I will take your tips on bored. Thank you so much.

I am all for contacting him again, but if this bothers him so much that he's willing to quit and throw everything away, how do you approach a delicate conversation with someone with this mind set?

I could see if you two were still together. You are a couple and couples have challenging conversations for the sake of the relationship.

But he has slammed this door shut. I don't know what angle you use under these circumstances.

If he hasn't been open to idea of meeting up with you, how do you talk to him about the likely issue that caused the changed of heart?

Just talking out loud here. .

 

Thing is with this guy he thinks I'm "super experienced" so guess he must feel he is really letting me down. Which is not the case and I like him beyond the sex as there are many ways to be intimate with someone.

 

Well one thing I had going for me was that I was not super experienced sexually, aside from some "heavy petting" with prior boyfriends (not long term), he was actually my first.

So he never felt pressured or threatened by that.

Bolded above -- I am assuming you've told him this?

You know this is all in his head, he's overthinking it, and freaked himself out. He may have even convinced himself he doesn't really like you and/or somehow it's your fault.

The mind can play very weird tricks on us when we're nervous, scared, feel pressured or threatened, even if it doesn't make much sense to the other person.

Give him time. Let him be the one to reach out. If/when he does, do not discuss over text (not that you would). Make a date and reconnect (assuming that is why he contacted you), take the focus OFF the sex (for now), reconnect and have fun.

During the entire relationship I was never the slightest bit needy or suffocating.

 

I've been in a suffocating relationship before this is why I've learnt to give someone space as I've didn't have it for my self.

 

We both kept up with friends of our own and stuff. So me reaching out now would it still be considered needy? As I was never the smothering type?

 

Obviously I don't want to push him away but I don't want him to think I don't care either. I was very calm during the "break-up" convo which may have come across I did not really care.

It doesn't really matter if it's the first time -it's a really impressionable time so how you reach out will be louder/needier than normal. Please be really honest with yourself about making excuses to reach out "in case he thought I didn't care" -he broke up with you. Most people get their guard up when feeling rejected by someone else -the person ending things knows this full well. If you told him you didn't care and were thrilled he was ending things because he beat you to the punch, fine. If not then no I wouldn't justify reaching out "in case he thought I didn't care". You had sex with him. He very likely knows you care a great deal.

I am all for contacting him again, but if this bothers him so much that he's willing to quit and throw everything away, how do you approach a delicate conversation with someone with this mind set?

 

I could see if you two were still together. You are a couple and couples have challenging conversations for the sake of the relationship.

But he has slammed this door shut. I don't know what angle you use under these circumstances.

 

If he hasn't been open to idea of meeting up with you, how do you talk to him about the likely issue that caused the changed of heart?

Just talking out loud here. .

This is the thing... If I contact him. I feel I would have to contact him mentioning the issue. As there is no point contacting him and not addressing it.

Obviously is apprehension to meet would be he would have to talk about it. So this is while he opted out of it.

Funny enough on like our second date we was talking. He said he was so pleased I said yes to a second date as you can never be sure how someone feels on a first date and whether they felt the same as you. He was like girls someones just "dissapear" after a first date.

I told him I would and have never done that to a guy I have even been on one date with. I even said I would always give an explanation as to why we shouldn't meet up again. Even stressed when actually in a relationship I would always sit and talk through with someone if it wasn't working out. He agreed completely and said he would do the same in a relationship and not just let it fizzle out.

This is why when he started to go distant I was shocked but knew he was so upset about the ED. This is why his refusal to meet and talk actually shocked me about him after that indepth conversation.

His avoidance feels like it is coming from a place of embrassement and not the fact he is "just not that into me"

Still leaves me not knowing what to do next

I would leave the analysis to him, his therapist ,his mother, etc. You can drive yourself crazy speculating. You dated a short time, you ran into challenges and he chose to move on rather than deal with them which is unfortunate but it is his choice and his choice now whether to contact you again particularly since he is the one who ended it. I'm sorry it didn't work out!