Is he embarrassed or is it just cold feet?

[reinventmyself]

My recommendation was based on a previous post where she explained how well she was doing despite this setback. She seems pretty solid and already moving on.

 

If she was fragile or distraught over this, Id say pass.

 

But as I previously noted - if it he dismisses her last attempt and it doesn't set her back, I dont see where she has anything to lose. Sometimes if it's worth it, the risk is worthwhile.

 

I've been in this situation, where I've gathered up my nerve, confident that no matter what I'd be ok and did the brave thing and reached out. It worked out well and I was glad I did. I also gave it a great deal of thought before I did it and I was certain I could shrug it off and respect his decision if it didnt fo anywhere.

[Jellybean9]

Katrina and Batya,

 

Thank you for you replies.

 

I know I'm just battling and blaming myself for something that clearly is not my fault.

 

I do feel if I left him and he was to come back let's say a month's down the line I wouldn't be so welcoming to have him back. That's a lot of time.

 

I did read about a women on a different forum who was with a guy with ED. He pulled away as he never experienced it before. Got with another women and still had the issue and came back to her. She was forgiving and took him back. By the sounds of it from her last post they were happy after that.

 

Unlike that women I don't think I would be that forgiving.

 

So if I push him away more now, I don't feel I'll regret it as such as I wouldn't be like "what if" I left him be. He may have come back or something.

 

This could just be me overthinking and letting my vulnerable state of emotions get to me. It could be that classic need girls get over a break up. I'm not sure.

 

Everyone I've spoke to has said "leave him be" but I just having a hard time accepting that.

 

Even you guys are saying just give him space as he had made his choice.

[boltnrun]

I've seen a lot of people on this forum say it really doesn't matter "why" someone ends a relationship or dating situation. The fact is, they chose to end it. And whether we like it or not, we have to accept their decision as intelligent adults.

 

I know when I've chosen to end a relationship it wasn't because I wanted the guy to "fight" for me or to "explain" anything. I actually found it off-putting when they tried to do so. It made it seem like they didn't think I knew what I was doing or that I was incapable of making a good decision for myself.

 

Why are you having a hard time accepting his decision? Is it because you think he was dishonest about his reason for ending it?

[katrina1980]

JB, I've never had a guy end things by saying "I can't make you happy" and if he ever did, I'd immediately respond with "what do you mean, you make me very happy, do I make you happy?" or something like that especially if the connection was strong and things were going well, over and above the PE.

 

But I have had guys "pull away" for various reasons and I have reached out and like reinvent, it worked out. I have also had it not work out.

 

I think you should do what you want, what your heart is telling you to do and let chips fall where they may.

 

It was your relationship, your life and thus your decision, you do YOU as they say.

 

I wish you the best and please keep us posted, I've become quite invested in your story and am interested how it plays out.

[Batya33]

Very true, and if that does happen, she will learn from that, and know better for next time, right? Not right?

 

Curious B what you think about that.

 

That's how I have learned, by doing what I wanted, what I felt was best at the time, and if it didn't work out, learning from it for next time. Growing, evolving from my mistakes.

 

On the other hand, it's possible he may actually need her to say she wants to try again. He may need that reassurance from her, that "fight" in her.

 

It is literally impossible to know what's going on his brain, it's all a risk!

 

I welcome your disagreement B, if you do.

 

I'm still learning myself! :)

 

I personally don't have to do certain things to know they would be bad for me. That includes ,for me, casual sex, illegal drugs, getting drunk and yes times I've restrained myself from contacting someone or contacting them again.

 

"It's all a risk" never works for me in decision making. I balance the particular risks against the potential benefits. I do this every single day and I learn from the balancing. Yes sometimes you have to do the thing to learn. We know he broke up with her. We don't need to know more and we also know what she did and didn't do. Certainly if she offended him she should apologize if she didn't -I wrote that. We can always make the excuse of "we don't know what's going on in his brain" to justify reaching out again (and again). People move towards pleasure and away from pain. We have to assume that as a human being he decided he'd get more pleasure being apart from her than with her.

 

I personally would not want to be with someone who ended things and got back together with me because I reassured him that it would be ok. If it was a specific thing - like for example "you ended things because I was an alcoholic. I'm now sober for a year - would you be open to trying again?" Then sure, maybe. I like what Dr. Phil has said -never try to convince someone to be with you.

[Jellybean9]

My recommendation was based on a previous post where she explained how well she was doing despite this setback. She seems pretty solid and already moving on.

 

If she was fragile or distraught over this, Id say pass.

 

But as I previously noted - if it he dismisses her last attempt and it doesn't set her back, I dont see where she has anything to lose. Sometimes if it's worth it, the risk is worthwhile.

 

I've been in this situation, where I've gathered up my nerve, confident that no matter what I'd be ok and did the brave thing and reached out. It worked out well and I was glad I did. I also gave it a great deal of thought before I did it and I was certain I could shrug it off and respect his decision if it didnt fo anywhere.

 

When you plucked up the courage to do so was he forthcoming when you reached out?

 

Life essentially is about taking risks at the end of the day.

[katrina1980]

I personally don't have to do certain things to know they would be bad for me. That includes ,for me, casual sex, illegal drugs, getting drunk and yes times I've restrained myself from contacting someone or contacting them again.

 

"It's all a risk" never works for me in decision making. I balance the particular risks against the potential benefits. I do this every single day and I learn from the balancing.

 

Fair enough. However, for me, I don't believe anything I do is "bad" for me.

 

Even if my actions result in things not working out, or I get hurt, the experience was "good" for me, cause hopefully I learned something valuable to take with me moving forward. And grown, evolved from it.

 

I am also not afraid or resistant to feeling "pain." I am strong and resilient and will move past it, again learning and growing from it.

 

I believe in challenging myself, I have never been one to always play it "safe." I wouldn't learn much from that.

 

No right or wrong just a different perspective.

[Batya33]

When you plucked up the courage to do so was he forthcoming when you reached out?

 

Life essentially is about taking risks at the end of the day.

 

Yes and it's about balancing the risks and the benefits. I wouldn't be married to my husband had we gotten back together when I really wanted to (a month after the breakup) -if he'd taken that risk - and I wouldn't have been sexually assaulted had I not gone to some guy's apartment on the second date. Had I taken the risk and gotten married at 23 because I desperately wanted to be a suburban mom (what was I thinking??? lol) I'd have gotten divorced and likely not pursued my grad degree which changed my life in so many ways and still does.

 

- so if you live life "well it's all about taking risks and I feel like doing this so I'll do it" without the balancing then your life may end up being all about being traumatized, injured, depressed ,etc. Or not. That's why I'm a fan of balancing. One of my friend's daughters took a lot of risks because she felt like it way back when - she had a great time having casual sex, one night stands, going after bad boys. Because she felt the risks were worth it. A few years later she met the right guy for her. And was terrified to tell him about her past and that she had an STD from the risks she'd taken. She turned to me for advice and I told her to tell him, that he deserved to know since she knew it would be highly relevant to him. She did, he was fine with it and they've been happily married for over 5 years. So it worked out. But she was no longer happy she made those impulsive choices.

 

It's a bit off topic for sure since all you want to do is contact this guy - I get it - I just wanted to explain why I'm not a fan of indulging in cliches and impulse to justify choices.

[figureitout23]

My recommendation was based on a previous post where she explained how well she was doing despite this setback. She seems pretty solid and already moving on.

 

If she was fragile or distraught over this, Id say pass.

 

But as I previously noted - if it he dismisses her last attempt and it doesn't set her back, I dont see where she has anything to lose. Sometimes if it's worth it, the risk is worthwhile.

 

I've been in this situation, where I've gathered up my nerve, confident that no matter what I'd be ok and did the brave thing and reached out. It worked out well and I was glad I did. I also gave it a great deal of thought before I did it and I was certain I could shrug it off and respect his decision if it didnt fo anywhere.

 

I read it as false bravado. It was just too much.

 

There’s no abiguity here, he broke up with her, that’s it that’s all. Why be concerned for someone who didn’t seem to concerned about hurting her by ending it? I mean let’s be real here.

[Jellybean9]

I've seen a lot of people on this forum say it really doesn't matter "why" someone ends a relationship or dating situation. The fact is, they chose to end it. And whether we like it or not, we have to accept their decision as intelligent adults.

 

I know when I've chosen to end a relationship it wasn't because I wanted the guy to "fight" for me or to "explain" anything. I actually found it off-putting when they tried to do so. It made it seem like they didn't think I knew what I was doing or that I was incapable of making a good decision for myself.

 

Why are you having a hard time accepting his decision? Is it because you think he was dishonest about his reason for ending it?

 

I completly get that. I've been in situations when I've ended it with someone. But I at least gave them an honest reason.

 

I've been in a situation where they may crop back up. I didn't for one minute find it off putting. In fact it was kind of flattering I had an impact on them.

 

Even if he finds it off putting now. What have I got to lose. What he thinks or me beyond that will clearly not matter. As if it was to annoy him or put him off me then clearly he is not the man I thought he was and not worth anymore of my time.

 

It's not about being dishonest. It is the fact he contradicted a lot of what he said. If he merely wasn't feeling it he said he wouldn't lead someone on and explain to them. Reason he said that was he was in situations in the past where that has happened to him and he wouldn't want to do that to anyone esle.

 

The night before I went over to his when "the incident" occurred he was saying we need to book our weekend away. He suggested and pushed for it. He seemed happy by it all as he was telling people at work and everything. If that's not leading someone on then I don't know what is!

 

It's the not knowing and having that explanation whether it's pretty or not.

[figureitout23]

I completly get that. I've been in situations when I've ended it with someone. But I at least gave them an honest reason.

 

I've been in a situation where they may crop back up. I didn't for one minute find it off putting. In fact it was kind of flattering I had an impact on them.

 

Even if he finds it off putting now. What have I got to lose. What he thinks or me beyond that will clearly not matter. As if it was to annoy him or put him off me then clearly he is not the man I thought he was and not worth anymore of my time.

 

It's not about being dishonest. It is the fact he contradicted a lot of what he said. If he merely wasn't feeling it he said he wouldn't lead someone on and explain to them. Reason he said that was he was in situations in the past where that has happened to him and he wouldn't want to do that to anyone esle.

 

The night before I went over to his when "the incident" occurred he was saying we need to book our weekend away. He suggested and pushed for it. He seemed happy by it all as he was telling people at work and everything. If that's not leading someone on then I don't know what is!

 

It's the not knowing and having that explanation whether it's pretty or not.

 

^ I honestly don’t see how anyone can read that and not see ego^

 

Jellybean, respect this mans decision and let him come to you.

[Wiseman2]

Have you reached out to him or has he reached out to you?

[katrina1980]

In reading JB's initial post again, the way he ended it was quite ambiguous..

 

I'm not even 100% sure he intended to end it!

 

He said he had "cold feet" and didn't think he could make her happy (which I interpret to mean sexually due to the PE). She never responded, and they haven't spoken since.

 

It's possible his comment came from a place of embarrassment, shame, insecurity. And was needing a bit of reassurance, which she did not provide.

 

I dunno, I think it warrants a reaching out, jmo.

[Batya33]

^ I honestly don’t see how anyone can read that and not see ego^

 

Jellybean, respect this mans decision and let him come to you.

 

I agree. It's about you and you trying to control what he owes you as far as an explanation. Yes, I've ended things with people without specific explanations. Why? Because it was too potentially hurtful or would have been misunderstood ranging from a mental illness issue (meaning, his), to his recent status as a new dad (thought I could deal with it, I couldn't and there were other reasons too), or simply not being attracted and in that situation feeling that that kind of "honesty" would hurt more than it helped.

 

When I was broken up with once it was after 5 months of dating and a week before a getaway he planned for us. I didn't press him for the gory details - I accepted that for whatever reason he did not want to be with me anymore. And he was a reformed 'player" and had never had a long term serious relationship by age 40. And guess what the awesome benefit of not pressing him/trying to convince him got me - it got me over him much faster which was a good thing . 6 months after he ended things he met his future wife and they've been married many years now. Oh and I took risks -I hooked up with him after once or twice and I spoke to him a few times -he called me- and we had some short lived contact when he was engaged and married and he sent me slightly inappropriate e-mails, etc. So I took those risks. But when he ended things -and I was crazy about him! - I walked away, head high -without anger or tears - expressed disappointment and that's it. And yes he would have continued seeing me casually as he made clear about a month later. And had I taken the risk because I was still so attracted to him it would have hurt my efforts to get over him. A lot.

[Jellybean9]

JB, I've never had a guy end things by saying "I can't make you happy" and if he ever did, I'd immediately respond with "what do you mean, you make me very happy, do I make you happy?" or something like that especially if the connection was strong and things were going well, over and above the PE.

 

But I have had guys "pull away" for various reasons and I have reached out and like reinvent, it worked out. I have also had it not work out.

 

I think you should do what you want, what your heart is telling you to do and let chips fall where they may.

 

It was your relationship, your life and thus your decision, you do YOU as they say.

 

I wish you the best and please keep us posted, I've become quite invested in your story and am interested how it plays out.

 

It all came as a shock when he said that as I had been happy despite the ED. It seemed he had been happy too. After our date before I went away for the weekend he was even telling me how he went to work with a massive grin on his face and the work lot was referencing it to me. I should have pushed more but in the heat of the break up didn't want to push too much. As I'm not argumentative I'm very passive in situations like that.

 

That's the thing I've never reached out to someone when it hasn't worked out. I just let it me. But this feels like a unique situation where I want to at least try.

 

I am surprised at how responsive everyone has been. So thank you guys! I will definitely keep you posted at what ever I decide.

[Jellybean9]

In reading JB's initial post again, the way he ended it was quite ambiguous..

 

I'm not even 100% sure he intended to end it!

 

He said he had "cold feet" and didn't think he could make her happy (which I interpret to mean sexually due to the PE). She never responded, and they haven't spoken since.

 

It's possible his comment came from a place of embarrassment, shame, insecurity. And was needing a bit of reassurance, which she did not provide.

 

I dunno, I think it warrants a reaching out, jmo.

 

To be fair I handled the texts that night badly as I was more focused on not discussing "feelings" via text than actually reading and answering what he had to say.

 

In a sense I brushed off his honesty.

 

This is why I'm sat here thinking does he want me to reach out.

 

I bumped into my ex 8 months after we broke up (he ended it with me). I walked away gracefully. I didn't beg. I just accepted it and moved on. He said to me he alwags hoped I would have reached out to him. I didn't get why as he ended it. I did question him as to why he didn't then. He said he felt he had no right as he was the one who ended it and he didn't want to intiate. I know it's not the same situation as I has many years invested in that relationship. But just goes to show he still wanted a reply but wasn't man enough to text or reach out himself.

[reinventmyself]

My guess is embarrassment made him end it and it's pride that prevents him from reaching out. I could be wrong. It's just a hunch.

 

And I think we should be careful when telling someone infatically what they should or should not do.

 

There isn't one right answer for this and several differing but compelling opinions.

 

That's the beauty of all of this. She gets to see all sides and take in what applies and leaves the rest.

 

What she ultimately decides to do is her personal choice.

[katrina1980]

My guess is embarrassment made him end it and it's pride that prevents him from reaching out.

 

After 68 posts, and reading initial post again and how he "ended" it, I agree.

[Jellybean9]

I agree. It's about you and you trying to control what he owes you as far as an explanation. Yes, I've ended things with people without specific explanations. Why? Because it was too potentially hurtful or would have been misunderstood ranging from a mental illness issue (meaning, his), to his recent status as a new dad (thought I could deal with it, I couldn't and there were other reasons too), or simply not being attracted and in that situation feeling that that kind of "honesty" would hurt more than it helped.

 

When I was broken up with once it was after 5 months of dating and a week before a getaway he planned for us. I didn't press him for the gory details - I accepted that for whatever reason he did not want to be with me anymore. And he was a reformed 'player" and had never had a long term serious relationship by age 40. And guess what the awesome benefit of not pressing him/trying to convince him got me - it got me over him much faster which was a good thing . 6 months after he ended things he met his future wife and they've been married many years now. Oh and I took risks -I hooked up with him after once or twice and I spoke to him a few times -he called me- and we had some short lived contact when he was engaged and married and he sent me slightly inappropriate e-mails, etc. So I took those risks. But when he ended things -and I was crazy about him! - I walked away, head high -without anger or tears - expressed disappointment and that's it. And yes he would have continued seeing me casually as he made clear about a month later. And had I taken the risk because I was still so attracted to him it would have hurt my efforts to get over him. A lot.

 

I get that. I know being honest with someone can hurt them in a long run. That said whatever he said I would have taken and gone with it.

 

Yes he brushed it off that he couldn't make me happy. That in it's self made me think this went beyond me.

 

I know maybe not knowing his true reasons may help me get over the situation better.

 

Also may hinder me for not trying.

 

All these I will never know.

 

I'm not interested in entertaining a relationship where someone doesn't want my if they do not finf me attractive or think we do not click. It never for once felt like that's the way he was heading though.

 

I would hate to walk away from something because they felt like I was not interested or cared. As I do feel the way I was during the text break up. I didn't handle it delicately.

[Jellybean9]

My guess is embarrassment made him end it and it's pride that prevents him from reaching out. I could be wrong. It's just a hunch.

 

And I think we should be careful when telling someone infatically what they should or should not do.

 

There isn't one right answer for this and several differing opinions.

 

What she ultimately decides to do is her personal choice.

 

This was my initial thought too.

 

I've been seeking advice from friends but they don't know the entire story only those I am really close with. They have all suggested I leave it.

 

Didn't want to go to my male friends with this as it's very personal. But I know this sort of think is massive to a guy. Can feel like the end of the world when there manhood isn't working.

 

But the more and more people who said I should respect his decision the more I'm thinking that should be the case.

 

Just would hate him feeling awful about something that genuinely does not bother me.

[Batya33]

I don't think he brushed you off. He told you he didn't want to see you anymore after a short term relationship. He didn't go MIA. Again if your goal is to make sure you apologized if you offended him then sure, but not if it's a transparent attempt to convince him to keep dating you.

 

And if you think he dealt with this in a tactless way then why would you want to be with him?

[katrina1980]

JB, it's not only about him being concerned what you think, it's also about how he feels about himself!

 

How his PE makes "him" feel. As a virile sexual man.

 

I am not a man but would imagine something like this cuts quite deep into his masculinity.

 

So IF you choose to reach out, be sensitive to that, not to just how he thinks you feel.

 

It really is a delicate balance.

[katrina1980]

I don't think he brushed you off. He told you he didn't want to see you anymore after a short term relationship.

 

 

???? I didn't read where he told her that. Perhaps she posted that later and I missed it??

 

He said he had cold feet and didn't think he could make her happy.

She didn't respond.

 

I think JB meant *she* didn't handle it tactfully, I could be wrong.

[Batya33]

???? I didn't read where he told her that. Perhaps she posted that later and I missed it??

 

He said he had cold feet and didn't think he could make her happy.

She didn't respond.

 

I think JB meant *she* didn't handle it tactfully, I could be wrong.

 

What I meant specifically was that this person after a short term relationship ended things. He did not brush her off as she now says she thinks he did - read her recent post- since he didn't give her an explanation to her liking/satisfaction. I think when someone says he has cold feet and can't make you happy he is in essence saying "I do not want to see you anymore" - and I think she agrees that he ended things.

[Batya33]

He didn't ghost. He told her didn't see this going long term. A perfectly fine thing to do, if after 10 weeks he decides, she's just not what he wants. He gave her the "it's me, not you" and "confused" reasons to exit. Very common.

 

I wrote that hypothetically. Of course after 10 weeks of dating you tell someone if you're not going to date them anymore. And he did.