Is he embarrassed or is it just cold feet?

[Jellybean9]

Well one thing I had going for me was that I was not super experienced sexually, aside from some "heavy petting" with prior boyfriends (not long term), he was actually my first.

 

So he never felt pressured or threatened by that.

 

Bolded above -- I am assuming you've told him this?

 

You know this is all in his head, he's overthinking it, and freaked himself out. He may have even convinced himself he doesn't really like you and/or somehow it's your fault.

 

The mind can play very weird tricks on us when we're nervous, scared, feel pressured or threatened, even if it doesn't make much sense to the other person.

 

Give him time. Let him be the one to reach out. If/when he does, do not discuss over text (not that you would). Make a date and reconnect (assuming that is why he contacted you), take the focus OFF the sex (for now), reconnect and have fun.

 

To be fair I'm not even greatly experienced as I've not been with many men so he doesn't have much competition to be compared to. He just doesn't know this as he sees me being very comfortable with my sexuality. So he has this made up complex.

 

What was in bold I never actually said to him. As the first time "it" happened we brushed it off. Then the last time "it" we didn't talk of it and he got distant. I didn't even think to say all those things to him. As he knew I was being to care for him. Like he was me. The first time "it" happened he messaged me on the way to work and he said he was so lucky to have met someone like me. I said the same to him too and expressed I've not met anyone like him that I click with so well. So he should hopefully know it was beyond sex for me at least.

 

Yes I won't do it over text if I get the chance. That said I feel he will be too embrassed to ever reach back out to me. I didn't really fight for him or beg for him to change his mind. I just asked for an explanation in person. That just states how I just wanted a reason not wanted a chance to fight for him. Seems like I just gave up.

[katrina1980]

OP, honestly, do not reach out. Right now he is "shut down" and would venture to guess he's not open to talking to you anyway otherwise HE would be reaching out.

 

Like I said, he may have even convinced himself he doesn't like you anymore, however crazy that may sound to you. Again, the mind can play weird tricks sometimes. I've been there.

 

Let him work through this himself. Either he will or he won't. Unfortunately it's not your call to make.

 

I agree with Batya, best to not start telling yourself stories that he doesn't think you care. That's crazy-thinking, he KNOWS you care.

 

This is all on him and his thought process, fears, anxieties, whatever he's gong through, at the moment. OR he may not be going through anything at all -- he's just shut down.

 

That's really my best advice, I know it hurts like hell and your brain is no doubt spinning.

 

But you just gotta let this be. In time, he will either realize what a good thing you had, and want to give it another shot, or he won't.

[reinventmyself]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on where you stand and it won't rock you if it doesn't go anywhere.

 

I say go for it. If you can handle him dismissing you again, then what do you have to lose?

[Jellybean9]

Katerina1980 and Batya,

 

Deep down I know you are right. I'm just clutching on at straws.

 

You are right he must know I care as I made it clear I wouldn't just "sleep" with someone if I didn't.

 

This is his problem to fix on his own.

 

Guess I'll just have to leave him be and try and move on.

 

I'm scared I will regret never trying at least.

[Jellybean9]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on where you stand and it won't rock you if it doesn't go anywhere.

 

I say go for it. If you can handle him dismissing you again, then what do you have to lose?

 

Ahh! After listening to Katerina1980 and Batya o was thinking leaving him be would be the best call.

 

I would rather be dismissed now while it's fresh than constantly waiting for him to contact me and living in hope.

 

I am so conflicted right now.

[katrina1980]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on where you stand and it won't rock you if it doesn't go anywhere.

 

I say go for it. If you can handle him dismissing you again, then what do you have to lose?

 

JMO (as I've been in his shoes for different reasons) if she contacts him now, while he's "shut down" or "caving" as John Gray refers to it, she risks pushing him away for good.

 

Versus if she allows HIM the time and space to work through this on his own, and he chooses to reach out to her, his mindframe will obviously be in a much better, more open and receptive place.

[katrina1980]

I'm sure catfeeder won't mind my quoting her signature line which imo is so relevant here.

 

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

[Jellybean9]

I know... Giving him space is the most logical thing to do.

 

I've never chased a guy before. If it's ended I take time out heal and move on.

 

This just feels so different! It's come out of nowhere and I feel it's to do with something that is "fixable".

 

So for me to just stay quiet and say nothing. It's going to be hard.

 

I know what ever we had was not for very long but all felt so easy and natural with him. Nothing was ever forced.

[katrina1980]

 

It's come out of nowhere …..

 

Keep in mind it may not have come out of nowhere for him. Or perhaps it did which is not uncommon in these very early stages.

 

He is the one who's been struggling with PE after all; it's also not all that uncommon for someone (man or women) to be head over heels for someone one day, and then literally the next day, feel nothing.

 

It's called "shutting down" and it can happen "just like that" for any number of reasons.

 

It's possible after the last episode of PE, the pressure was just too much so he began convincing himself you weren't the "right" woman for him (or he wasn't the right man for you) or whatever he was telling himself.

 

I hope, in time, he does realize what you realize, but he may not and you really have no other choice but to accept that and move on.

 

I'm so sorry!!

[Batya33]

Ahh! After listening to Katerina1980 and Batya o was thinking leaving him be would be the best call.

 

I would rather be dismissed now while it's fresh than constantly waiting for him to contact me and living in hope.

 

I am so conflicted right now.

Your choice to move on or “wait”. There is no trying more in this case - the brave thing to do is not indulge in your need and give him twice the space he seems to need.

[Jellybean9]

Keep in mind it may not have come out of nowhere for him. Or perhaps it did which is not uncommon in these very early stages.

 

He is the one who's been struggling with PE after all; it's also not all that uncommon for someone (man or women) to be head over heels for someone one day, and then literally the next day, feel nothing.

 

It's called "shutting down" and it can happen "just like that" for any number of reasons.

 

It's possible after the last episode of PE, the pressure was just too much so he began convincing himself you weren't the "right" woman for him (or he wasn't the right man for you) or whatever he was telling himself.

 

I hope, in time, he does realize what you realize, but he may not and you really have no other choice but to accept that and move on.

 

I'm so sorry!!

 

Thank you.

 

I know you are right!

 

Obviously it is not what I want to hear.

 

Just know things have a natural "fizzle" out. He was the one who was so attentive and the "planner". I let him lead everything to make him feel "like a man".

 

He showed no other signs prior to that night and that's what is getting to me. I regret not addressing it when I had the chance. Maybe it I had said something to him then and there and let him no it's no big deal. Maybe I wouldn't be here now!

[katrina1980]

>>I would rather be dismissed now while it's fresh than constantly waiting for him to contact me and living in hope.

-------

 

I know others will most likely disagree, but why can't you do both? Move on while still having hope?

 

I don't advocate "waiting for him to contact you" - that suggests putting your life on hold while you wait.

 

Why not accept it's over, take steps to move on, live your life same as before you met him, start opening yourself up and dating other guys?

 

You can do all that while still "hoping" that one day he will reach out, and if you're open to it at that time (should it happen), play it out.

 

As long as you're not "expecting" him to reach out, I don't see the issue. "Moving on" and "hoping" are not mutually exclusive.

 

Eventually however, if you're anything like me, you will eventually stop caring and when that happens, without even realizing it, that "hope" will be gone, at least with respect to him.

[Jellybean9]

Your choice to move on or “wait”. There is no trying more in this case - the brave thing to do is not indulge in your need and give him twice the space he seems to need.

 

I suppose you are right. He has let me go and clearly does not care he has lost me.

 

My friends are planning a semi-blind date. It's a little too soon right now. But I shouldn't sit back and wait for someone.

 

Although I am young (well kind of young), I have learnt there are plenty of fish out there.

 

So I do know there is more than just him and I'll.ger over it.

 

I just don't want to have the "what if"

[Jellybean9]

>>I would rather be dismissed now while it's fresh than constantly waiting for him to contact me and living in hope.

-------

 

I know others will most likely disagree, but why can't you do both? Move on while still having hope?

 

I don't advocate "waiting for him to contact you" - that suggests putting your life on hold while you wait.

 

But why not just accept it's over, take steps to move on, eventually start opening yourself up and dating other guys?

 

You can still "hope" that one day he will reach out, and if you're open to it at the time, play it out.

 

Eventually however, if you're anything like me, you will eventually stop caring and when that happens, without even realizing it, that "hope" will be gone, at least with respect to him.

 

I do believe in the "hope". Funny enough this websites getting back together stories. Helped me get over one of my exes. It helped me heal.

 

I ended up bumping into my ex and felt absolutely nothing even though he wanted to restart it all again.

 

In fact with that ex I had that urge to message him daily for 5ish months. I never did! Then got over it.

 

I know I'll get over it. As that's just life.

 

I just don't want to regret not trying.

[katrina1980]

 

I regret not addressing it when I had the chance. Maybe it I had said something to him then and there and let him no it's no big deal. Maybe I wouldn't be here now!

 

I hear ya, those dreaded "what ifs." What if I had said this, or done that, things may have been different.

 

And you know what, maybe they would have been different!

 

But you can't keep torturing yourself with these thoughts, they will only keep you stuck and prevent you from moving on.

 

You know what I do with all those "what ifs"? I learn from them and apply what I have learned to my next relationship.

[katrina1980]

 

I just don't want to regret not trying.

 

You can try again if/when HE reaches out.

 

JB, if you had left it open-ended, leaving the door open even slightly for possible reconciliation later, or even just talking later, I might suggest reaching out in a few weeks.

 

But the way it stands now, HE ended it. There was no ambiguity in that whatsoever.

 

Which is why I don't think you should be the one reaching out and why it's best to just accept it's over.

 

Learn from mistakes and treasure the memories!

[Batya33]

I do believe in the "hope". Funny enough this websites getting back together stories. Helped me get over one of my exes. It helped me heal.

 

I ended up bumping into my ex and felt absolutely nothing even though he wanted to restart it all again.

 

In fact with that ex I had that urge to message him daily for 5ish months. I never did! Then got over it.

 

I know I'll get over it. As that's just life.

 

I just don't want to regret not trying.

 

I believe in hope that doesn't impede moving on - acknowledging those feelings and making a choice as to how to react to those feelings. People who are looking for a relationship most often choose to allow those feelings to exist but without changing their focus on moving on. The risk is if you choose to focus on the hope and to "wait" that's a passive stance that's likely to impede moving on. I got back together with my fiancee and didn't need to wait or "hope" - we reconnected years later after very limited contact. I did "wait" and hope for another ex. We did get back together. I then realized he wasn't right for me. I didn't know why really. I suspect it was because his distance/coldness had to do with his confusion over his sexual orientation which I had no clue about and he had little clue about. Later he met and married the love of his life, a man. But yes I put my life on hold for months "waiting" and "hoping" and "pining".

 

You already tried so no regrets. There is no trying only doing or not doing. I agree with Katrina.

[katrina1980]

 

I believe in hope that doesn't impede moving on - acknowledging those feelings and making a choice as to how to react to those feelings.

 

Thank you Batya, you articulated that much better than I did!

[Jellybean9]

I just feel the reason I'm so conflicted is I never tried to address his issue. I always just brushed it off.

 

So when you guys are saying I have tried. It's not the case really as I didn't.

 

I never wanted to make a big deal of "it" as it was early days and thought it would make him embrassed. Felt it would have given him more of a complex if I sId something.

 

So I just know he would never reach out due to embrassement. The thing is I never reassured him that there was nothing to be embrassed about.

 

So all in all I did not handle it in a grown up way.

 

Yes it was and is his issue. But he doesn't know that I don't see a problem with it.

 

Also my lack of "fight" during the break up and the fact I haven't been that classic needy girl after the break up must make him feel I'm glad to be rid of him and his "faulty penis". Which is not the case.

 

This is why reaching out even if it pushes him away surely isn't a bad thing.

 

As I genuinely have nothing to lose as I doubt he will ever be in contact.

 

What guy will initiate contact with a girl he feels he has let down in that department. He is lost his male pride.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you want to reach out to him, tell him it's ok he ejaculated prematurely that you understand and then all will be well and he'll come running back because you "understand" him and are being so accepting. Did he end it stating he was embarrassed about it or because he didn't see long tern potential?

I never tried to address his issue. I haven't been that classic needy girl after the break up must make him feel I'm glad to be rid of him and his "faulty penis"..

[Batya33]

I just feel the reason I'm so conflicted is I never tried to address his issue. I always just brushed it off.

 

So when you guys are saying I have tried. It's not the case really as I didn't.

 

I never wanted to make a big deal of "it" as it was early days and thought it would make him embrassed. Felt it would have given him more of a complex if I sId something.

 

So I just know he would never reach out due to embrassement. The thing is I never reassured him that there was nothing to be embrassed about.

 

So all in all I did not handle it in a grown up way.

 

Yes it was and is his issue. But he doesn't know that I don't see a problem with it.

 

Also my lack of "fight" during the break up and the fact I haven't been that classic needy girl after the break up must make him feel I'm glad to be rid of him and his "faulty penis". Which is not the case.

 

This is why reaching out even if it pushes him away surely isn't a bad thing.

 

As I genuinely have nothing to lose as I doubt he will ever be in contact.

 

What guy will initiate contact with a girl he feels he has let down in that department. He is lost his male pride.

 

There's no need to fight when someone is breaking up with you -in fact it's kind of demeaning. You can say "I'm really sorry to hear that -I thought things were going well". Like I wrote above if you'd said "good, I wanted to break up" that is different.

 

If you want separately to call him and tell him that you're not sure if this was at all the reason but you hope you dealt with the intimacy situation in a thoughtful and kind way -and if not you want to apologize -that's fine. If it's part of a plea to get him to date you again then it will seem transparent to him. I would not put that in any kind of writing. Call and if it goes to vm just say "hope you are well, I wanted to speak with you briefly to clear the air about something if you have time/would be open to chatting".

[katrina1980]

JB, just read your last post and, despite our advice, you have convinced yourself that somehow this is your fault.

 

And if you don't reach out, you will always wonder "what if."

 

So, given that, I've changed my mind, go ahead and reach out. I sense you won't be able to let go or move on until/unless you do.

 

Maybe he will be open to "trying again." Maybe you will annoy him and push him further away. The maybe's are neverending.

 

It's a toss up but heck at least you "tried."

 

But please understand that if he doesn't respond the way you hope and want, you are facing another "what if."

 

"What if" I had given him the time and space to work through this, "what if" I hadn't allowed my anxieties and neediness to drive the ship, "what if" I had respected him and his decision and let him be, "what if" in time he would have realized what we had on his own and returned.

 

What if, what if, what if.

 

But give it a shot. I truly believe we learn by doing. Taking risks and if it doesn't pan out, learning from it. Godonlyknows I sure have!

 

But heck, on the other hand, maybe it will work out!!

 

Good luck, and let us know what happens!

 

Fingers crossed it works out the way you hope!

[Batya33]

I would only reach out if your intention is to make sure you didn't offend him about his sexual performance. If your intention is to see if he'll give you another chance there's too much risk of making a wrong impression and turning him off if he was at all on the fence. I wrote this above.

[katrina1980]

I would only reach out if your intention is to make sure you didn't offend him about his sexual performance. If your intention is to see if he'll give you another chance there's too much risk of making a wrong impression and turning him off if he was at all on the fence. I wrote this above.

 

Very true, and if that does happen, she will learn from that, and know better for next time, right? Not right?

 

Curious B what you think about that.

 

That's how I have learned, by doing what I wanted, what I felt was best at the time, and if it didn't work out, learning from it for next time. Growing, evolving from my mistakes.

 

On the other hand, it's possible he may actually need her to say she wants to try again. He may need that reassurance from her, that "fight" in her.

 

It is literally impossible to know what's going on his brain, it's all a risk!

 

I welcome your disagreement B, if you do.

 

I'm still learning myself! :)

[Jellybean9]

It sounds like you want to reach out to him, tell him it's ok he ejaculated prematurely that you understand and then all will be well and he'll come running back because you "understand" him and are being so accepting. Did he end it stating he was embarrassed about it or because he didn't see long tern potential?

 

He ended if simply on the grounds he couldn't make me happy long term. Yes that may be him saying he doesn't see it going long term. Or could be him saying he can't make me happy "sexually" I don't know.

 

There was no other reason other than that and I didn't push for more via text.

 

He was the one making all the "future" plans so felt like he did see something in the long term sense. Just all flipped on that night.

 

No man will end it by admitting they are embarrassed to be fair.