Is he embarrassed or is it just cold feet?

[Jellybean9]

Yes, this is how I read it and somehow Katrina is trying to spin it as if I suggested that she not interact with someone she is dating who is expressing insecurity or vulnerability. He texted her - so clearly he was not trying to interact with her in a personal way and basically ended it. Or if he didn't mean to and didn't hear from her he certainly could have clarified it -and called her on the phone or asked to see her in person. I really don't appreciate the implication that I would be opposed at all to her being compassionate if he reached out to her for help or understanding.

 

And this also argues in favor of waiting to have sex. If there are PE or ED issues and the couple knows each other far longer, better and with stronger feelings based on knowing the actual person it can be a lot smoother to deal with those sorts of issues. I had that issue with a long term boyfriend that cropped up and it most certainly wasn't a dealbreaker and we dealt with it. Had nothing to do with why we ultimately ended things.

 

I had seen him in a very vulnerable state that night in the bedroom. I assumed hiding behind text helped him to feel less vulnerable.

 

Like I said I don't just rush into sex with someone. I felt there was a genuine connection there and so did he. He reassured me he wouldn't have asked me if he didn't feel something more. All this was before sex.

 

I get it ED and PE is not a reason for a man to go running to the hills. Like you and you long term managed to deal with it.

 

I just know for a 20 something year old man it can be so damaging. He is supposed to be in his "sexual prime". Then there he is not with his young girlfriend and unable to perform.

 

He knows I could go and find another man who doesn't have that issue. Like I said his friends said "she is too good for you". He felt the need to share that with me. But it obviously played on his mind and then not to be able to have penetrative sex with me must have played on that more.

 

I'm not making excuses for him. Just trying to understand if my actions didn't help the situation.

[Batya33]

I had seen him in a very vulnerable state that night in the bedroom. I assumed hiding behind text helped him to feel less vulnerable.

 

Like I said I don't just rush into sex with someone. I felt there was a genuine connection there and so did he. He reassured me he wouldn't have asked me if he didn't feel something more. All this was before sex.

 

I get it ED and PE is not a reason for a man to go running to the hills. Like you and you long term managed to deal with it.

 

I just know for a 20 something year old man it can be so damaging. He is supposed to be in his "sexual prime". Then there he is not with his young girlfriend and unable to perform.

 

He knows I could go and find another man who doesn't have that issue. Like I said his friends said "she is too good for you". He felt the need to share that with me. But it obviously played on his mind and then not to be able to have penetrative sex with me must have played on that more.

 

I'm not making excuses for him. Just trying to understand if my actions didn't help the situation.

 

But you are assuming it all had to do with his sexual issues. I thought you had sex within the first month? I mean a genuine connection built over time -built over months. Anyway, water under the bridge. If this is how he deals with feeling vulnerable - a vague text "I can't make you happy" followed by weeks of silence -then I think you dodged a bullet.

[Batya33]

To clarify, I am not trying to "spin" anything Batya, certainly not your words or anything else. I just interpreted the situation differently.

 

In fact to the contrary, I am trying to understand yours and others' perspectives, hence my response to figureitout.

 

And my message #96 to JB.

 

Well no you wrote that I responded that way to someone expressing vulnerability over having PE/ED - I didn't. At all. And I wrote several times that all he did was end things -with a vague text and then slence.

[katrina1980]

B, this isn't really worth debating but again to clarify, you posted that if a man texted you what he did (cowardly) and disappeared, that you dodged a bullet as that is how he deals with conflict.

 

I didn't disagree with you, to the contrary I said I respected you BUT that I did not/do not view his text as cowardly, I viewed it as honest and vulnerable and explained why.

 

That's all, honestly I wasn't attempting to suggest you don't have compassion or don't understand vulnerability, not quite sure how you got that I was.

 

As I have said so many times, the written word is ambiguous, posts can be misinterpreted.

 

Which is what I think happened. I absolutely meant no disrespect and I am sorry you took offense, that was not my intention.

 

But we are very different, not a bad thing at all, it's actually what makes this forum so interesting!

[Batya33]

B, this isn't really worth debating but again to clarify, you posted that if a man texted you what he did (cowardly) and disappeared, that you dodged a bullet as that is how he deals with conflict.

 

I didn't disagree with you, to the contrary I said I respected you BUT that I did not/do not view his text as cowardly, I viewed it as honest and vulnerable and explained why.

 

That's all, honestly I wasn't attempting to suggest you don't have compassion or don't understand vulnerability, not quite sure how you got that I was.

 

As I have said so many times, the written word is ambiguous, posts can be misinterpreted.

 

Which is what I think happened. I absolutely meant no disrespect and I am sorry you took offense, that was not my intention.

 

But we are very different, not a bad thing at all, it's actually what makes this forum so interesting!

 

Well no you are speculating that is what he meant by his text. He was expressing to her by text that he cannot make her happy long term. That is a goodbye text. Sure if she wanted she could have responded with "what do you mean by that' or "do you want to talk" but he initiated this by text. I don't view it as honest or vulnerable. It is his opinion, it is his expression of finality of their interaction. Is it "honest' -yes it's his honest opinion that he doesn't see them together long term and apparently that is a dealbreaker for him. Vulnerable? No, not necessarily at all. It's easy to send a text cutting off contact - it's not exposing yourself, your sensitivities - I mean it might have been hard for him to decide to cut off contact but he made the decision, sent the text, and if he referenced cold feet he told her he was choosing fear over being with her. Fear of what? That's for his therapist or someone other than her to know. It's really irrelevant.

 

Expressing vulnerability? Yes - if he had done so -if he had told her "I am feeling insecure about us and having doubts. We can talk by phone or meet in person." Then if he had expressed his feelings of insecurity or doubt or cold feet -yes, that is expressing vulnerability. Texting someone to basically cut off contact -then going silent for weeks - not vulnerable. And if he expected her to chase after him pleading for him to explain himself, pleading for another "chance" to warm his feet-well, that's not vulnerable either, it's manipulative. It's not her job to speculate, to read between the lines especially when they've only been dating a few months. How exhausting it would be if she kept dating him and kept getting texts like that every time he had doubts or insecurities and she had to pull teeth to get it out of him. Who has the time or inclination to do that?

[katrina1980]

B, I know you don't view his text as honest and vulnerable, and you have every right to that opinion.

 

Just as I have a right to my opinion that it was honest and vulnerable and that I am not 100% convinced he was ending it.

 

Yes of course I am speculating; I wasn't there, I don't know him, just basing it off what I understand about men and my own experiences.

 

Just as you are also speculating based on your understanding of men and your experiences.

 

There is no wrong or right here, is there?

 

We just have a difference of opinion which I think is okay.

 

The bottom line is no one really knows what's going on with him and what his text meant or didn't mean, except him.

[figureitout23]

It's easy to send a text cutting off contact - it's not exposing yourself, your sensitivities - I mean it might have been hard for him to decide to cut off contact but he made the decision, sent the text, and if he referenced cold feet he told her he was choosing fear over being with her. Fear of what? That's for his therapist or someone other than her to know. It's really irrelevant.

 

Expressing vulnerability? Yes - if he had done so -if he had told her "I am feeling insecure about us and having doubts. We can talk by phone or meet in person." Then if he had expressed his feelings of insecurity or doubt or cold feet -yes, that is expressing vulnerability. Texting someone to basically cut off contact -then going silent for weeks - not vulnerable. And if he expected her to chase after him pleading for him to explain himself, pleading for another "chance" to warm his feet-well, that's not vulnerable either, it's manipulative. It's not her job to speculate, to read between the lines especially when they've only been dating a few months. How exhausting it would be if she kept dating him and kept getting texts like that every time he had doubts or insecurities and she had to pull teeth to get it out of him. Who has the time or inclination to do that?

 

This was the point I was trying to make especially the bold.

 

Just to clarify, if he comes to her, apologizes, explains himself and tells her he wants to try again, by all means, I think she should deffinetely consider giving things another chance, their connection sounds strong, but he needs to be the one to decide.

 

Her having to lead him out of the dark corner like a wounded puppy because his fragile masculinity was shaken a bit,to me, isnt making him look all that appealing.

[katrina1980]

 

Her having to lead him out of the dark corner like a wounded puppy because his fragile masculinity was shaken a bit,to me, isnt making him look all that appealing.

 

I think that's an exaggeration fio; sometimes when experiencing something sensitive like this (assuming his PE/ED was the reason he texted what he did and disappeared), a gentle push to show we care is all a person needs.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean she will have to chase him every time there is a conflict.

 

Oh I dunno just my opinion which clearly no one else agrees with which is okay and par for the course.

 

I am certainly not the be-all-end-all, you all may be right, I have made a lot of mistakes with guys and like taking risks, so who knows.

[boltnrun]

Bolt, just my opinion but if he had met someone else or lost interest, I don't think he would have said "I don't think I can make you happy" immediately after yet another episode of PE/ED.

 

But who knows, you could be right.

 

My ex told me he didn't want a girlfriend at the time when he broke up with me. He had actually already moved his new girlfriend into his house.

 

He just didn't want to hear me cry or beg or castigate him or anything unpleasant.

 

Many times people sugar coat when breaking up. They think it will make the process easier. It's not always because they feel vulnerable about some issue.

 

Of course, it may very well be that this man ended it because he's embarrassed or ashamed about being unable to perform. In that case I think a phone call from JB wanting to discuss his issue would be even more embarrassing for him.

 

At one point I was told I might need a colostomy bag. If that had happened I would have broken up with my then-boyfriend. I would have told him some white lie to avoid discussing the real reason. And the last thing I would have wanted to do is discuss the ins and outs of a colostomy bag with my ex.

[katrina1980]

 

Of course, it may very well be that this man ended it because he's embarrassed or ashamed about being unable to perform. In that case I think a phone call from JB wanting to discuss his issue would be even more embarrassing for him.

 

At one point I was told I might need a colostomy bag. If that had happened I would have broken up with my then-boyfriend. I would have told him some white lie to avoid discussing the real reason. And the last thing I would have wanted to do is discuss the ins and outs of a colostomy bag with my ex.

 

Very good point, I had actually thought of that too.

 

It's just impossible to know what this guy needs though, to be left alone or a gentle nudge.

 

But goodness gracious I am happy to hear you were okay and didn't need a colostomy bag!!

[Batya33]

B, I know you don't view his text as honest and vulnerable, and you have every right to that opinion.

 

Just as I have a right to my opinion that it was honest and vulnerable and that I am not 100% convinced he was ending it.

 

Yes of course I am speculating; I wasn't there, I don't know him, just basing it off what I understand about men and my own experiences.

 

Just as you are also speculating based on your understanding of men and your experiences.

 

There is no wrong or right here, is there?

 

We just have a difference of opinion which I think is okay.

 

The bottom line is no one really knows what's going on with him and what his text meant or didn't mean, except him.

 

No,, I'm not speculating. I'm going by his words. They are words of finality, followed by silence which is consistent with words of finality. I do agree that if he returns to her -and talks to her in person at this point and apologizes for running away and wants another chance I certainly could understand why she would agree. And of course why she would not. I think if we're going to think I'm "interpreting" his actual words my intepretation requires far less speculation than yours does . And again I am just going by his words.

[Batya33]

I guess I’ll put it another way. I cannot imagine sending someone a text like that and expecting the reaction to be to try to convince me otherwise. Unless for some reason I was playing some sort of manipulative game. Which I wouldn’t be doing. Why would anyone risk losing their new partner by sending a text like they or if they pressed send by accident calling immediately to explain and apologize? I just don’t see how reading those words to mean words of finality - of not seeing potential for anything long term - requires any speculation at all. And certainly if he was surprised at her lack of response and he wanted to be with her he would have communicated further. It’s just common sense and I don’t mean just logical I mean typical from an emotional motivation too - a person who is emotionally motivated to keep dating someone . It’s interesting to speculate as to whether it had to do with his sexual performance of course and maybe it odd but to me there where the speculation comes in and in a two month relationship you shouldn’t have to speculate like that and if you do it’s a huge red flag not honesty and vulnerability. Yes that part is my opinion.

[boltnrun]

Very good point, I had actually thought of that too.

 

It's just impossible to know what this guy needs though, to be left alone or a gentle nudge.

 

But goodness gracious I am happy to hear you were okay and didn't need a colostomy bag!!

 

Thank you! I needed surgery but not the bag fortunately. I mean, you do what you have to do to survive but I couldn't imagine sleeping next to my boyfriend while wearing the bag. And having to excuse myself to empty it.

 

That's why I can completely understand if this man would rather not have a conversation about his inability to perform sexually. That can never be a comfortable conversation with anyone, let alone someone you've only been dating a short while.

[katrina1980]

Thank you! I needed surgery but not the bag fortunately. I mean, you do what you have to do to survive but I couldn't imagine sleeping next to my boyfriend while wearing the bag. And having to excuse myself to empty it.

 

That's why I can completely understand if this man would rather not have a conversation about his inability to perform sexually. That can never be a comfortable conversation with anyone, let alone someone you've only been dating a short while.

 

I absolutely get that bolt, but let's say you did have to get the bag (shudders) and your bf knew that. Let's say he was with you when you got the diagnosis!

 

After which, you were so embarrassed, ashamed, or felt inadequate or the issue was just too big or whatever you were feeling (depressed), so you shot him an ambiguous text saying "I will never make you happy."

 

And your bf just ignored it. Never responded to it.

 

Never reached out, not to convince you of anything or discuss your getting the bag, but simply letting you know he was sorry and that he cared. He never did, just ignored.

 

How would that have made you feel?

[boltnrun]

I would not have sent him a text. I would have told him that I felt my health issues were too severe to think about trying to be in a relationship and that I would prefer that we just be friends who keep in touch every so often.

[Batya33]

I absolutely get that bolt, but let's say you did have to get the bag (shudders) and your bf knew that. Let's say he was with you when you got the diagnosis!

 

After which, you were so embarrassed, ashamed, or felt inadequate or the issue was just too big for you or whatever you were feeling (depressed), so you shot him an ambiguous text saying "I will never make you happy."

 

And your bf just ignored it. Never responded to it.

 

Never reached out, not to convince you of anything or discuss your getting the bag, but simply letting you know he was sorry and that he cared. He never did, just ignored.

 

How would that have made you feel?

But he did not write that. He texted that he had cold feet and could not make her happy long term. And sure if they’d just gotten to get him a colostomy bag or if he was just heaven forbid diagnosed with a terminal illness then he wold know she knew he was referring to that particular situation. But she’s not supposed to be a mind reader and she said he’d been acting hot and cold before that.

 

So in that short a time dating he’s already showing he can’t deal with communicating feelings of whatever - he acts distant then shoots her a text. And he’s not ill and he doesn’t need a colostomy bag - he is a healthy person who couldn’t perform intercourse with his new girlfriend and was of course embarrassed. Just like a person who drinks too much and throws up in front of her or his new partner. I don’t think it’s the right analogy. Certainly if right after the sex he texted her “im feeling embarrassed about what just happened” then it would be cold of her not to respond. That’s not what he wrote.

 

He didn’t try to open a dialogue in fact he wrote something that was meant to be final and close off dialogue. Especially in a brand new relationship it’s foolish to expect someone to be a mind reader and chase after you “what’s wrong? What did your text mean?” She should not need to do that nor is giving him space a sign of not caring. It’s a sign of not caring to text someone that message with no follow up and no thought that perhaps it was foolish to be so final in a text and he’s sorry. That’s what is not caring in my opinion and that is what is self absorbed. She probably was tired of all the hot and cold nonsense followed by that nonsense. And he was willing to take that risk that she’d read it plainly as words of finality.

[Morello]

I don't understand why some people like to romanticise and overanalyse break ups like that. I understand when it's the person at the receiving end of it but not when it's from users in a forum to get advice from people who should know better.

 

It appears some posters on this forum have somewhat of a role to go to almost EVERY thread to romanticise and overnalayse everything and give pointless hope to the OPers. I mean, look at this thread... Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but when you basically flood every thread with your opinions, and keep reinforcing your opinion through many posts, everything becomes very biased. Some users here hijack basically every thread and initiate pages long discussions that end up becoming just about their own fears, insecurities and issues, leaving the OPers confused. It's not uncommon for OPers to end up becoming more confused than they were before asking for advice.

 

It's very clear this guy wanted out. The reasons are not important, really. Most people sugar coat break ups. He in no way acted like he wanted the OP to beg or insist on maintaining the relationship. He might or might not change his mind in the future but he did not indicate the door is still open.

 

Frankly, if I could give any advice to the OP it would be: just leave this forum and go figure on your own. Trust your gut.

[katrina1980]

Fair enough bolt, and of course ideally that is how we all should handle such sensitive matters.

 

But not all of us do, or can, at that particular point in time, unfortunately.

 

God knows I haven't always said or done the right thing, even tried pushing my bf away a couple of times (not proud to admit that) and always appreciated when he has reached out with something light letting me know he cares.

 

Not to convince me of anything, or even discuss, just a gentle nudge letting me know he cares and understands. It's what I needed.

 

I don't agree his words -- "I can't make you happy" - had a finality to them. Maybe they did, I just don't see it.

 

Maybe if he had added "this isn't working out for me" or "I don't wish to continue dating you" but just those words alone, too many ways one could interpret in my opinion, based on what had just gone down with his PE/ED.

 

I could very well be wrong, JB is just going to have to decide for herself what's best.

 

Like I said, I've reached out and it's worked out. It happened that way with my own boyfriend in fact.

[Batya33]

If you text that sort of thing you take the risk that you’re not going to get chased after by someone you’ve been dating a short time. And he obviously was willing otherwise he would have tired again since he knows full well she like any normal person most likely would read it as an ending. Reminds me of a really attractive woman who threw her engagement ring at her fiancé because she was upset and testing him. He wasn’t in the mood to be tested so he caught it and ended things. You decide to write those words you take the risk. If you want to open a dialogue then call the person or better yet meet in person. Especially if that’s what you feel like texting or saying.

[katrina1980]

 

Frankly, if I could give any advice to the OP it would be: just leave this forum and go figure on your own.

 

Trust your gut.

 

I agree with that! Great advice!

 

Follow your gut/heart and let chips fall where they may. Learn from mistakes.

 

I think I even advised that earlier.

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course. Closed.