Is it my insecurities that tells me to keep away from him or is it my intuition?

There is this guy (he is 27, I am 28). We work in different departments so we don't really see each other at work. He is a jokey, confident and good looking guy. One day, he visited our department to help us. The same day, I overheard him saying to another colleague of mine (guy) "she is so beautiful I will make her mine", but in a jokey way (and later on he told me that my colleague laughed at him and said to him to be careful meaning that it might not happen). The same day I heard him saying to the same colleague "wow you have so many pretty girl in this department" (he made sure that I heard it). The first impression I had about this guy was, he is a charmer/womaniser. He kept coming to our department and finally asked me out and gave his number.

Because of the first impression, I wasn't sure but long story short we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We haven't had sex because I cannot trust him. I even tried to cut it after 1.5 months because a few things happened.

Let me begin.

One day, we were together at lunch break. (We decided to keep it secret at work so we act like we are friends). He told me his break is finishing around 1.30ish and left me. Later around 2pm I bumped into him coming out from toilet and saying to his friend "my break is almost finishing now". Lie number 1. A small lie so I pretended i didn't hear (maybe he just couldn't say he needs to go to toilet )

The same day, we met after work. He was wearing a ring saying to me "oh managers gave me this ring because they said lots of girls are looking at me (we work in retail)". I said ok and laughed. When we were walking one guy looked at us and he said: "Oh let me remove my ring because this guy might be thinking where is his wife? why is he cheating on his wife?" I felt so bad. Why cant I be his wife? He is black, I am white. Is that why he is saying that? I just didn't say anything. Later on when I asked him, he said he doesnt know why he said that and he apologised if he upset me.

A few days later, I invited him to join me and my friend on a night out. He came, we had a really great time. He has a 4yearold daughter. 2 days after the night out, she was coming to stay with him for 10 days. During this time, he texted me good morning beautiful etc, but in more than one occasion he left my texts unanswered in them middle of conversation, and called me hours later to talk. Ok I understand he was with the daughter its difficult etc and its good that he called me at least but I found it a bit disrespectful that he didn't answer my texts. at least say that you cant text rather than leaving me hanging.

Meantime, he told me 3 times to call him after work (i finish around 11pm), he said he will be awake. I was like are you sure? i dont want to wake u up or the little girl. He said no its ok call me (so its him asking). When I called him first time he rejects my call, and no text saying why. next day he is like "oh she almost woke up sorry about that". and the next day same story. he insist i should call him. when I call, no answer. around 1 am he is texting me asking if I am still awake. The next day, he tells me to call him again. this time i text him to say he should call me tomorrow when he is free. he tells me ok he will call me but he doesn't call and we don't talk that day. one day later he calls asking me "wow why didnt you call me, you said you will call me". I was like that's not what i texted you. he opens the text and he is like "oh I read it wrong sorry".

I was done there. I felt like he was not being honest and playing games. I was like oh i see. And then I was like I don't like the way we have been communicating for the last 2 weeks. I think things will not work. and I suggested to stay friends. He insisted that we should talk and find a way through.

We decided to meet next day (on sunday) to talk. But he canceled last minute saying he is not feeling well. And I remember so well him telling me 3-4 days before that day that he was going to call in sick work on sunday so we could do something. I was like "wow so you really got ill on a sunday. Hope you get well soon".

2 days later he waits for me 3 hours at work to finish so we could talk. I explained that I expect better communication, no lies (he denied that he lied to me btw). He said it was bcz of his daughter. He said he has feelings for me, he will improve. He also told me I shouldnt be so uptight and give him space to improve rather than trying to cut it off. I was like I have so much uni work, if we are having problems like this it will effect my uni work. And I said I deserve a man who treats me good. He was like I am not telling you to lower your standards, dont cut it off, we can talk it through.

Anyways we had this talk 2 weeks ago. He really did improve but only for a week in terms of communication. But I am not sure about games. We went out for a coffee, I asked him if he is seeing other girls, he said he doesnt have time for that, he is busy with work. And one day before he told me, it requires to much money to do that so he doesnt want to. I really disnt like his answers. I expected him to say, I like you thats why i dont want to see other girls. Basically all he is saying is i dont have time and money to date other girls. If I had I would. But again I didnt tell him anything. And finally, last sunday, he told me he was so stressed at work. I texted him saying he can call me when he is free after work. This was at 9pm. He messaged me at 11pm saying he is eating etc and he will call me once he finished eating but never did. Around 2am again he messages me if I am still up. I replied 10 mins later saying yes but my eyes are closing, no reply again. Next morning he texts me with sad face message me when you wake up. He calls me from private number apologising. His excuse is he kept falling asleep. I was like yeah but you said you will eat and call. If you were so sleepy why didnt you tell me to talk later? I said I thought we talked about this. He was like because I wanted to call you after I eat but I was watching football so I just fell asleep. I just said ok whatever you say. I dont care anymore. and said I have work to do and we hang up. He sounded like he was feeling very guilty btw.

I got do dissapointed again and for a few days I became so distant with him. Although he was acting normal through text. We didnt see each other after this, he didnt even ask me to meet up. He just asked me whats wrong through text and I told him I am stressed with uni work. I didnt want to give him how he dissapointed me talk again because he already knew anyway. He also only called me once after this. During the call, he was like hold on a minute. I said what happened. He said I got one text and one email. I dont like when he does these things. Right after, he asked me if I could consider moving in with him after I finish uni (which is in a couple of months time). I was like if we are still together than yeah. And he was like why shouldnt we? I said we dont know what life will bring us. He also asked me how long I will have to wait for staying over in his house etc (he is basically just asking when I will be ready for sex). he said we have been seeing each other for 3 months isnt it enough time to get to know each other? I said what do you know about me? (because although we talk, I feel that he doesnt ask me questions about myself, try to get to know me in a deeper level, our converstaions are just about daily stuff, work, uni etc). His answer is, you are annoying and up and down and shy (again in a jokey way). I said so why are you with me then? Is there nothing good about me? He said oh because I need to help you cross the road and not get hit by a car (this is a joke between us). I asked him again what do you like about me? he said oh you are hardworking and you know what you want. But that's all he could say about me. Again, I dont think this answer is enough for me to sleep with him yet. I told him I like you because you are funny, friendly, nice, social, and caring. He said wow you made me look so nice. He was surprised. I said yeah because I am only saying what i lile about you and laughed. I said I want to be able to say that I can rely on you and trust you. He said dont you already? I said yeah but not 100%.

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He tells me he will wait for me until i am ready for sex. But we always end up talking about it somehow. He says I should open up and trust him. And he also tries to guilt trip me by sayin in a jokey way "oh will I wait 3 years?" or "oh it will never happen".

We talk every day. He texts everyday and calls almost everyday. Even though he started to be less interested, less texts, in the last few days.

He drops me work holding my hand saying he doesn't care if someone sees.

He asked me if I want kids.

There is so much sexual attraction.

He is so affectionate which I like.

He always tells me to talk to him when something is wrong. But still I can't trust him.

He told me a couple of times that "I told them I will make you mine".

Also i told him more than one time when we were talking in general that I hate games and lies etc I want him to be straightforward and honest no matter what. And after I told him these, he started doing everything I hate.

Am I right not to trust him? Or is it my insecurities?

Follow your intuitions!!

I think you are sharing too much of your baggage with him. Who doesn't hate games that are manipulative and lies? Makes you seem like you've had a traumatic, drama filled past even if you haven't. And telling him you deserve a man who treats you properly? Why say it?? Show it. Show it in how you carry yourself, show it in your actions and reactions - having to say that again underscores that you've been treated badly even if you haven't. Way too much drama/too much of a downer.

What I see here - you talk at each other ,text a lot to keep in touch but you're not friends - this is not real communication as much as it's chatting and keeping tabs on each other - or caring towards each other. You mistrust him, he acts unreliably and says odd things about his intentions and his life. Understand that if he had money and time he would pursue other women -so it's not because of you at this point. There's also so much sarcasm/indirect communication that it seems to overwhelm the real communication and you have him under a microscope as far as when he calls you, from where, if he picks up, etc.

In a way it doesn't matter if he's trustworthy - you two are not compatible - you don't click or get each other on basic levels of communication and it's a vicious cycle feeding off each other. On the actual things he said I think it's ridiculous that his employer told him to wear a ring. Please. He's probably married and/or engaged or at least was. And if he agrees to wear a ring because his manager says so that's weird too.

I would end things before you have sex - even though you have sexual attraction. You're not a good candidate for casual sex with him as you'd get even more attached. Move on and find someone who calls when he says he will, who is not wearing a wedding ring, etc.

(By the way I did think you were overly picky about his lunch break. I've often told people I have less free time than I actually do. That way I know I will be on time for work or my next appointment and so I can make sure I have time to myself between my lunch and my next appointment or meeting).

Agree with Jibralta.

I have a rule. When a man's behavior starts to make me feel crazy, time to abort.

I am a reasonable girl so know when it's my own insecurities driving the ship or the guy is sending mixed messages and/or acting shifty.

From reading your post, unless you left something out, it's the latter.

Why are you dating someone you don't trust? Sounds like a player to me.

What I left out is, he told me from beginning that he is looking for a serious relationship, not somethng casual. And Batya33, thats why I have him under a microscope: because his words dont match his actions.

What I left out is, he told me from beginning that he is looking for a serious relationship, not somethng casual. And Batya33, thats why I have him under a microscope: because his words dont match his actions.

So what if he told you he's looking for a serious relationship?

That may very well be true, however given his behavior, clearly it's not with you (sorry).

Words mean jack s*** unless backed up with action. What are his actions telling you?

Ok... I am willing to bet almost anything that a retail manager did NOT give him a ring because he’s sooooooo good looking that it’s distracting the customers lol!

Sorry, that was super cringe-worthy

I wouldn’t trust this guy either. With the ring thing, and the bathroom thing (an honest person would just say they had some stuff they had to do, not lie and say their break is ending) and all the other shady stuff... This guy is far too comfortable with lying for my liking. It seems you are picking up on this as well.

That said, I think you should stop (unintentionally) stringing him along. You know something is not right. You are just hoping that it will turn into something right.

Trustworthy people are just trustworthy. They give you no reason to question them.

Trust your intuition. This situation is bad news.

(I’m guessing he’s in a relationship hence the ring and not being consistent or able to take calls here and there... but that’s just a guess. Either way, there’s something not right)

So what if he told you he's looking for a serious relationship?

 

That may very well be true, however given his behavior, clearly it's not with you (sorry).

 

Words mean jack s*** unless backed up with action. What are his actions telling you?

What I feel is that he might be looking for a serious relationship but as you said not with me. I guess, why I continued talking to him is that 1) I liked him before he started acting weird or playing mind games 2) He guilt tripped me when we met that day to talk about the problems, saying that he waited me for 3 hours to talk and i am not wanting to give him another chance to improve. He said it was due to his child being with him for 10 days that he couldnt communicate with me proparly. My intention was to cut him but I felt bad and decided to give him another chance. But clearly, he will no change and its better to cut him off so I dont get more attached and hurt later on.

I agree with Batya that it really doesn't matter if he's trustworthy. You don't trust him, and it's for you to unravel whether that's something he specifically triggered in you or a larger trust/intimacy issue surrounding men that you need to sort through.

It sounds a bit that the very thing you're attracted to in men (confidence, charm) is also the very thing you're threatened by. Until you reckon with that you may find yourself in this position again and again: dating someone you think is a womanizer, regardless of whether or not it's true, and then dancing on pins and needles seeing whether he proves you right or wrong. That's not a relationship. That's games and drama. You may get the power of proving yourself right—that dude x is a player—but what's the point if the cost of that power is feeling played by dude x?

The ring stuff—yeah, a little weird. But, man, the "lie" about when his break was ending, because of a difference of 20 minutes, is a pretty apocalyptic read on a pretty pedestrian scenario. No one can survive that level of scrutiny. People sometimes need 20 minutes to themselves and don't feel like issuing a press release when they need to spend it on the toilet.

To date anyone is to play with fire. It's not about owning the fire of another, or squelching it; it's about playing with the fire you're genuinely comfortable with. This guy is too "hot" for you, and you for him, and it's that tension that you're mistaking for connection and chemistry.

"He also told me I shouldn't be so uptight and give him" If you are having problems this early, that should have been a huge red flag. You had already caught him in multiple lies. He has already shown you who he is, why would you expect him to change. Liar, game player and unreliable. Be done!

You are working and going to school. This guy has nothing to offer you.

Ok... I am willing to bet almost anything that a retail manager did NOT give him a ring because he’s sooooooo good looking that it’s distracting the customers lol!

 

Sorry, that was super cringe-worthy

 

I wouldn’t trust this guy either. With the ring thing, and the bathroom thing (an honest person would just say they had some stuff they had to do, not lie and say their break is ending) and all the other shady stuff... This guy is far too comfortable with lying for my liking. It seems you are picking up on this as well.

 

That said, I think you should stop (unintentionally) stringing him along. You know something is not right. You are just hoping that it will turn into something right.

 

Trustworthy people are just trustworthy. They give you no reason to question them.

 

Trust your intuition. This situation is bad news.

 

(I’m guessing he’s in a relationship hence the ring and not being consistent or able to take calls here and there... but that’s just a guess. Either way, there’s something not right)

The ring is actually from our store. Its just an one pound ring. He wore it for two days. He is definitely not married. He had a partner (mother of his daugter) and he said they broke up 4 years ago because he cheated. When I asked him why he cheated, he said, things were not going well at home.

I definitely agree with you about the lies. A trustworthy person would be honest and tell me they have to leave because they have things to do. No reason for lying. I didnt give him any reason to lie to me.

What I feel is that he might be looking for a serious relationship but as you said not with me. I guess, why I continued talking to him is that 1) I liked him before he started acting weird or playing mind games 2) He guilt tripped me when we met that day to talk about the problems, saying that he waited me for 3 hours to talk and i am not wanting to give him another chance to improve. He said it was due to his child being with him for 10 days that he couldnt communicate with me proparly. My intention was to cut him but I felt bad and decided to give him another chance. But clearly, he will no change and its better to cut him off so I dont get more attached and hurt later on.

Many guys say they are looking for a serious relationship, so that they can get laid. Just words. If you only followed his actions, you should have been done, long ago,

The ring thing is stupid. How old are you guys?

And, he has admitted he is a cheater.

I agree with Batya that it really doesn't matter if he's trustworthy. You don't trust him, and it's for you to unravel whether that's something he specifically triggered in you or a larger trust/intimacy issue surrounding men that you need to sort through.

 

It sounds a bit that the very thing you're attracted to in men (confidence, charm) is also the very thing you're threatened by. Until you reckon with that you may find yourself in this position again and again: dating someone you think is a womanizer, regardless of whether or not it's true, and then dancing on pins and needles seeing whether he proves you right or wrong. That's not a relationship. That's games and drama. You may get the power of proving yourself right—that dude x is a player—but what's the point if the cost of that power is feeling played by dude x?

 

The ring stuff—yeah, a little weird. But, man, the "lie" about when his break was ending, because of a difference of 20 minutes, is a pretty apocalyptic read on a pretty pedestrian scenario. No one can survive that level of scrutiny. People sometimes need 20 minutes to themselves and don't feel like issuing a press release when they need to spend it on the toilet.

 

To date anyone is to play with fire. It's not about owning the fire of another, or squelching it; it's about playing with the fire you're genuinely comfortable with. This guy is too "hot" for you, and you for him, and it's that tension that you're mistaking for connection and chemistry.

He specifically triggered in you or a larger trust/intimacy issue surrounding men that you need to sort through.

Yeah you are right, he definitely did and I am aware of it.

The "lie" about when his break was ending, because of a difference of 20 minutes, is a pretty apocalyptic read on a pretty pedestrian scenario. No one can survive that level of scrutiny. People sometimes need 20 minutes to themselves and don't feel like issuing a press release when they need to spend it on the toilet.

This wasnt a big thing until other things happened. But imagine a situation. He is with you, you are having lunch. He looks at his watch and says "I have 3 mins left" (we have a clock in machine so we need to be excatly on time to clock in and out when we start or end breaks", I say "ok, see you later" we give each other winks looks smiles and he leaves. Then after 20 mins, I bump into him when he is coming out from his toilet while telling his friend so loudly that his break is going to finish soon. And as soon as he sees me, he startles and says to him, "oh actually its finished but..."..

This is a bit weird isnt it?

The question is if he can lie about such things when he doesnt even need to what will happen in the future?

That was my point.

To date anyone is to play with fire. It's not about owning the fire of another, or squelching it; it's about playing with the fire you're genuinely comfortable with. This guy is too "hot" for you, and you for him, and it's that tension that you're mistaking for connection and chemistry.

I agree with you on this too.

Many guys say they are looking for a serious relationship, so that they can get laid. Just words. If you only followed his actions, you should have been done, long ago,

 

The ring thing is stupid. How old are you guys?

 

And, he has admitted he is a cheater.

i am 28, he is 27. Yeah, so many red flags. So many problems this early. He is not adding to my happiness, he is causing me more problems. Time to say goodbye to him. Thank you for comments.

i am 28, he is 27. Yeah, so many red flags. So many problems this early. He is not adding to my happiness, he is causing me more problems. Time to say goodbye to him. Thank you for comments.

This has bad news written all over it. The lies and cheating are deal breakers. I thought he was much younger.

You sound like you have a great future. He does not sound like he has much to offer, plus he has a young child. You don't need that baggage.

Trust your gut. He has even told you that he cheated on the mother of his child. Thinking that he will treat you any better if you get together and "things are not going well" is delusional. Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour. Lying for whatever reason is a RED flag. He has shown you and told you who he is. You are making informed choices...

It's weird that he wore that ring and his explanation is weird too.

I agree he is not trustworthy and I don't think someone who says they want a serious relationship then deserves to be under a microscope. You simply see, over time, whether the actions match the words. No scope. But yes in this case he already has told you he cheated on the mother of his child and has acted in a shifty way. Buh bye.

He's got other things going on. He might be seeing his baby mamma or the girl he was seeing before. Or maybe multiple girls. He's working you. He's trying to get laid. Just tell him you're really busy and you don't have any time to date or some such excuse.

What I left out is, he told me from beginning that he is looking for a serious relationship, not somethng casual. And Batya33, thats why I have him under a microscope: because his words dont match his actions.

So what? If his actions don't match the words, it's time to "abort the mission"... not analyse and overthinking or have him under a microscope. His words and actions not matching is a sign that this is not meant to be and is better to move on, not a sign to keep trying or to keep analysing.

You sound too smart for this, so follow your common sense.