My Bf's Dad Is A Nightmare

Hi guys!

My bf and his family are very close knit. They're Eastern European and love to spend time together...almost incessantly it sometimes seems. I come from a very American family, my parent's have always been focused on financial stability (and then some), prospering careers and distinguished education. My parents have never been rude to my bf, they're always treated him with the utmost respect. My family and I don't spend a alot of time together, never have, so being thrown into my bf's family dynamic has been a bit of a shock but mostly in positive ways. His Mom is such a peach, she loves me to death and I enjoy spending time with her. We cook together, chat, we're both RN's and love all things domestic so we have a lot in common. She goes out of her way to be kind. But my bf's Dad? Hmmmm that's a different story...

Since the very beginning, my bf's Dad has been rude to me. The first time I saw his true colors we were talking about their struggling family business and I offered my dad's help having previously speaking to my him. My bf's Dad said, "So are you speaking for your Dad now?" I didn't think much of it at the time but that was a pretty benign beginning to what was to come.

On New Year's Eve I was with my bf at his parent's house in the hot tub. I got out to cool off and stood there in my bikini for awhile. I turned my head to the right and there is his Dad, staring at me with his mouth hanging open, he didn't say a word. I quickly grabbed a towel. From then on he's been in the habit of staring at my chest. All. The. Time. At the dinner table, when I'm in the kitchen with my bf's mom. I've never worn revealing clothes around my bf's family but now I make an extra effort to cover up. I have a larger bust than most women so it's hard to find clothes that are loose around my chest but I try. I told my bf about it and he's terribly embarrassed. He seems to be at loss about what to do but remains supportive of me.

A few months later we were all out to dinner. I was sitting next to my bf and his Dad. His Dad did his usual routine of luring me into a conversation until I feel at ease and then...jab! He told me in a loud voice, in his thick accent that I should go on a "low calorie diet". In front of the whole table. The thing that struck me about his statement was, I'm not even overweight. It's like he was saying that just to be antagonist. My bf took my arm and rushed me out of the restaurant. We drove home and I cried. My bf felt awful and was livid at his Dad. My bf and his mom spoke to his Dad and he apologized through my bf's mom, claiming he was just joking and to that's not what he meant...blah blah blah. That seems to be my bf's family's and his dad's MO...He didn't mean it that way and don't take it to heart...????

I was now beginning to think he was going out of his way to be mean, to make me uncomfortable. He is succeeding to say the least. He even resorted to mocking the way I spoke at one point among many other rude comments.

My bf's mom and my bf seem to think I should fire back at him and maybe things would get better. When they continually suggest this, I feel like they're shifting the blame from him to me for not getting into a pissing match with him. It's not my responsibility to mend this situation. I've never been anything but polite, kind and integrated with the family. I'm not going to lower myself to his level just to try to pacify him and my bf's family.

After almost a year of his Dad's semantics that take place frequently through every visit, I've now made the decision to only see his father on special occasions. My bf is fine with that and understands. He remains disappointed in his dad but sometimes justifies his behavior claiming his Dad has an odd way of joking around. My bf does admit that his Dad has a mean streak and when when push comes to shove he holds his Dad solely accountable for his behavior and the damage it's done. \

The funny thing??? My bf says his Dad really likes me. So....why is he so mean???

My bf's Mom's birthday is next week and I'm dreading seeing him. I don't know how to handle this situation other than limiting the amount of time I spend with him but that doesn't negate the fact he's still rude to me even when I do see him.

Any thoughts on how to handle this situation? Thanks in advance!

Sounds like you've done all you can. I do not know the family, but I would think you firing back, as suggested, would only serve to encourage his father's behavior. It's not unusual to have issues with a partner's family members. If you love your boyfriend, carry yourself with grace and try not to let his father's comments rile up your emotions.

Sounds like you've done all you can. I do not know the family, but I would think you firing back, as suggested, would only serve to encourage his father's behavior. It's not unusual to have issues with a partner's family members. If you love your boyfriend, carry yourself with grace and try not to let his father's comments rile up your emotions.

Thank you for reinforcing how I believe I should handle this and how I actually have. I don't think firing back would be productive, I think it would actually egg him on. He seems to get enjoyment out of treating me this way which is why I don't give him a reaction.

My bf is a good man, he's worth having to deal with his dad no matter how creepy and rude he is

It just bothers me none the less. I don't know if it should. I hope I'm not overreacting.

Unfortunately, it sounds like his dad thrives on drama . I would just ignore his attempts at pot stirring . I feel for you though because both my in laws are ignorant to me.

The family has some, ummm *interesting* men

The great Uncle would grope me when I gave him a hug

It's safe to say he doesn't get any hugs anymore

Unfortunately, it sounds like his dad thrives on drama . I would just ignore his attempts at pot stirring . I feel for you though because both my in laws are ignorant to me.

Thank you, I really do internalize a lot of my feelings regarding his Dad. He really hurts my feelings and I feel so uncomfortable around him in more ways than one. I'm a sensitive person so I'm not handling this well internally.

I am sorry about that. :(

Thank you, I really do internalize a lot of my feelings regarding his Dad. He really hurts my feelings and I feel so uncomfortable around him in more ways than one. I'm a sensitive person so I'm not handling this well internally.

I understand. My MIL said something to me once that was so horribly insensitive I have never forgotten it and it was 11 years ago.

What about saying "I dont appreciate the way you are speaking to me" and then leave the room?

Also, why doesnt your BF stand up to his Dad when he says rude things to you? He sounds like a bully!

What about saying "I dont appreciate the way you are speaking to me" and then leave the room?

 

Also, why doesnt your BF stand up to his Dad when he says rude things to you? He sounds like a bully!

I really should say that but my bf and his family would think I'm overreacting. They always say, "that's just the way he jokes, don't take it personally, it's not a big deal" etc etc. I don't think I am overreacting though. I told my Mom about it and she's appalled. I told my friends and they think he's awful too. Plus, his Dad always takes jabs when I'm not expecting it so when he does, I'm always thinking, "wait, was that rude?" because I'm caught off guard. I'm not Johnny on the spot with his rude remarks.

My bf does stick up for me when he hears his Dad speaking to me that way. He only heard him once though and when he did, like I said, he grabbed my arm and left the restaurant with me. He was livid with his Dad after that. His Dad is so sneaky, he says rude things when my bf isn't in ear shot. Then I tell my bf later. My bf told me he would speak to his Dad again but I don't know what good it would do. They already spoke to him once but it didn't help.

I honestly never want to see him again but I know I have to

I come from an eastern european family myself, so I know what you're talking about. Some of the guys can just be big jerks like that. I think your best bet is to just let his comments roll off your back, like water on a duck. Or in one ear and out the other. Like, "ok, thanks for the suggestion. Mom, could you please pass me the bread?" He's just saying stuff to be a jerk. I don't know how his wife tolerates it, but I'm guessing that she's also just learned to let things roll off her back. There's a saying along the lines of "a dog barks but then the wind takes it away." You know, he's just like a barking dog, his words don't mean anything. His staring at your breasts is pretty rude, I think your boyfriend needs to tell him to knock it off. You're his girlfriend, not a playboy model for him to stare at.

I come from an eastern european family myself, so I know what you're talking about. Some of the guys can just be big jerks like that. I think your best bet is to just let his comments roll off your back, like water on a duck. Or in one ear and out the other. Like, "ok, thanks for the suggestion. Mom, could you please pass me the bread?" He's just saying stuff to be a jerk. I don't know how his wife tolerates it, but I'm guessing that she's also just learned to let things roll off her back. There's a saying along the lines of "a dog barks but then the wind takes it away." You know, he's just like a barking dog, his words don't mean anything. His staring at your breasts is pretty rude, I think your boyfriend needs to tell him to knock it off. You're his girlfriend, not a playboy model for him to stare at.

Thank so much for your input. My bf said it's kind of a cultural issue too.

I really wish I could let it go and not take it to heart but I can't do that. I do let it roll off my back in the moment but once we get home I keep thinking and thinking about everything he said, ruminating over it (doing that now) and I dread more and more the next time I have to see him.

It's kind of a hostile environment to be in. A lot of the time when I walk through the door he'll say something mean so it just kicks it off on a bad note.

My bf is in his own world when he's at his parent's house. He's so comfortable there he doesn't realize I'm crawling in my skin. He doesn't pay attention to what his Dad does, maybe because he's so used to it. I do wish he'd stick by my side more when we're over there. His Dad always makes rude comments or stares when my bf isn't paying attention.

I don't know how to enlist my bf's help in that sense

I think that you're doing the right thing in totally limiting how much time you spend with his dad. His mom sounds fine, I'd stick by her side, help her in the kitchen, whatever, just so you're not alone with his dad. I don't know what exactly motivates him to do/say these crappy things, but I've seen it myself too. He really is being more of a jerk than normal and you have to not listen to him. It's like if a mental patient was telling you that the sky is purple when you know it is blue.

How does his mom react when he says something stupid to her or around her?

I don't know how his wife tolerates it, but I'm guessing that she's also just learned to let things roll off her back.

He treats my bf's Mom like garbage. Announces all the "problems" he has with her weight in front of me.

My heart aches for her. She's so sweet. She doesn't really say anything back but I know it really hurts her.

Thank so much for your input. My bf said it's kind of a cultural issue too.

 

I really wish I could let it go and not take it to heart but I can't do that. I do let it roll off my back in the moment but once we get home I keep thinking and thinking about everything he said, ruminating over it (doing that now) and I dread more and more the next time I have to see him.

 

It's kind of a hostile environment to be in. A lot of the time when I walk through the door he'll say something mean so it just kicks it off on a bad note.

 

My bf is in his own world when he's at his parent's house. He's so comfortable there he doesn't realize I'm crawling in my skin. He doesn't pay attention to what his Dad does, maybe because he's so used to it. I do wish he'd stick by my side more when we're over there. His Dad always makes rude comments or stares when my bf isn't paying attention.

 

I don't know how to enlist my bf's help in that sense

If it were me I would pull him up on it everytime he said or did something offensive. I would say "can you stop staring at my breasts", or "dont speak to me that way".

The more you point out his bad behaviour the more that your BF will have to notice it.

Just because everyone else laughs it off & thinks "oh its just the way he is" doesnt mean you have to.

If he knows you wont put up with his rudeness hopefully he will stop doing it. If you dont pull him up on this and you do marry your bf then this will be your life for the next however many years. Also think if you have children do you really want him to be this mean & awful to them?

He treats my bf's Mom like garbage. Announces all the "problems" he has with her weight in front of me.

 

My heart aches for her. She's so sweet. She doesn't really say anything back but I know it really hurts her.

She really tries to make me feel more comfortable when he says rude things to me. She goes out of her way to try to ease the tension.

If it were me I would pull him up on it everytime he said or did something offensive. I would say "can you stop staring at my breasts", or "dont speak to me that way".

The more you point out his bad behaviour the more that your BF will have to notice it.

Just because everyone else laughs it off & thinks "oh its just the way he is" doesnt mean you have to.

 

If he knows you wont put up with his rudeness hopefully he will stop doing it. If you dont pull him up on this and you do marry your bf then this will be your life for the next however many years. Also think if you have children do you really want him to be this mean & awful to them?

I have been pretty passive in his treatment of me but I have a very temperamental side of me that my bf has seen. Part of the reason why I haven't spoken up is because at this point, I feel so offended, I'm afraid I'm going to snap if I do open my mouth. I'm generally a very sweet person, but once I snap, I snap.

I can tell you if he ever spoke to my kids the way he spoke to me, I would literally, honest to God, flip over a table and throw something directly at his tiny head. After that, he'd never see my kids again unless I was privy to their interactions and he kept his mouth shut. I would LOSE it.

At this point, I'm afraid I'm either going to say nothing or I'm going to lose it. Neither option seems productive.

My sister's in-laws treat her husband and her poorly even though they're clearly the best of that bunch. They make overt jabs like this at her all the time when he's not around (and they do it to their son, too), especially the dad. Her husband is too afraid to stand up to them so she doesn't feel she has permission to call them on their crap. In this instance, you have the support of your boyfriend and his mother to stand up to him. I've tried to encourage my sister and now I encourage you to say something along the lines of, "Excuse me? Did you just say what I thought you said? It sounded really rude" or "When you do/say ____, I feel ____." (Ex: When you stare at my body/look at me like that/make comments about my body, I feel uncomfortable, etc.).

Don't shoot back with insults, shoot back with an honest response that lets the person know how their behavior disappoints you. When you call someone on their statements without lowering yourself to their level and stay classy, it has the potential to change the dynamics. They can't argue with how you feel when you use the "I" statement like above. There's only so many times people will continue to take jabs if they feel like they have an unwilling participant--calling them out on it in front of everyone will likely embarrass these types; I've found they can dish it but can't take it.

The other choice is to ignore it and minimize your exposure to him, but if you're used to being non-confrontational in general and it hasn't worked, I have a feeling that this is coming up to help you develop your boundaries of what you will/won't tolerate in a conversation. Don't waste anymore time wishing you had stood up for yourself.

The funny thing??? My bf says his Dad really likes me. So....why is he so mean???

Let's be honest, to us westerners you are certainly not overreacting as we'd define the type of behaviour you described earlier as uncalled for. However, the reality is that in some cultures ogling women is quite common and the degree to which this happens varies according to culture. It's not okay, but it is a cultural reality. Also, saving face is very important in some nations as well. So people from those nations may define that behaviour as normal and don't understand why to us it's not.

Of course, maybe that's just how he rolls. Your boyfriend and his mum most likely have gotten used to him. Therefore, to them his behaviour is normal and don't realize why to you, who didn't grow up in such an environment, it's not. So how do we respectfully make someone from such a culture understand that they are being rude?

As for your boyfriend's mother's birthday:

1. Only stay there for as long as you need to. Be polite to everyone, then excuse yourself. You can always do something with him and his mother on a different day where no undesirable family member is present.

2. Tactics when dealing with undesirable family members include:

- Best to keep conversations light and fluffy, e.g.: talk about the weather or a popular TV show.

- You don't need to tolerate stupidity, so remove yourself politely from uncalled conversations.

- Avoid being alone with said family member by excusing yourself to the bathroom or refilling your glass or by having to make a very urgent call to someone.

I hope it all works out for you. :-) Navigating in-laws can be tricky.

Edited to add: I also agree with Annie24's suggestion.

I would not fire back with insults, as boyfriend and Mom suggested. That will not work and it will make the situation worse.

I would, however, speak up. I would say very clearly that I don't appreciate those comments and please stop. It sounds like nobody ever tells this man to shut his bullying piehole, so I would firmly but politely do so. You have a right to not accept this behaviour. That might not be effective either, but he would know without a doubt that you do not like it and are not going to just let it slide as everyone else does.

Continue limiting time with Dad. There is no way I'd pretend to be okay with these "jokes" so I would spend as little time as possible in his company.

I'm a 31 yo male from a heavily eastern European family. All 4 of my grandparents are *******ski of some sort. They all immigrated here as children.

Honestly, 90% of the males in my family are misogynistic @ssholes. My dad included.

I have a very sweet and soft spoken wife. She has a strong backbone but doesn't respond well to ridiciously sexist and blunt comments, because she doesn't trust her restraint in those situations.

My dad (and family) will say some of the most sexist and inappropriate things you have ever heard without seeing anything in the least wrong with their comments.

What is annoying is that if you ever call them out on it they just brush it off as joking and back off. But will start back up.

Honestly it sounds very similair to how your boyfriend's dad behaves with your description.

Essentially though, my male family doesn't have enough respect for woman for any action done by just my wife to have any effect.

So every time we responded it always had to be a concerted effort.

We pretty much just had to call him out EVERY single time he said or did something we found inappropriate.

We didn't call him out in a disrespectful way, we just wouldn't let a single act or comment slip by without a retort.

My most common phrase was something along the lines of "I don't really care to hear your opinions but if you are disrespectful to my wife\Gf(at the time) again we are leaving and not coming black for awhile."

My wife would commonly say things along the lines of "that is really rude and disrespectful, if you cannot learn to control what comes out of your mouth you won't being seeing us for awhile."

He would always try to tell us how we are overreacting to his personality and try to mitigate it in some way.

We never accepted that bullsh*t response. Once we established that his excuses are irrelevant we would just leave of he tried excuse himself with that bull.

He eventually learned how to control himself pretty well around us. But that took years and us walking out of many family events because of it.

When we had our first child, a girl, nearly 4 years ago, it started back with a vengeance.

It was worse than we had ever seen. We eventually just had explain to my family that unless they can hold their tongue that they will never get any time around our children.

But you need to have your boyfriend to stand up and be more supportive of this effort or else it will be futile.

It's so obvious why the dad's being a toolbag to you. Anything to hide the fact that he's H-O-T for you. Do not take it personally, and let things he says roll off your back.

Your boy's got your back. I think you should just kill him with kindness, and don't sweat stupidity. A person with a crush sometimes acts like a moron cuz they know it's inappropriate to like you. Total form of deflection.

Its shocking to me how many people here will tell someone who's not being treated well by a partner to stand up for themselves, get some counseling for their low self esteem, know their worth...but when this idiot berates you, most people are saying kill him with kindness, ignore him, avoid him.

If you want this to change, you have to address it. Avoidance does not solve issues. Did you read alchemists post? This will continue if you were to have children. I don't care what cultural background he has. I don't go to China and start throwing American slang out at Asians. And if I did, it sure as he|| would not be okay. This is no different. If he wants to act like an Eastern/European pig, then go back to Europe. He simply doesn't care that he's now in a different culture and is royally offensive.

Unless you want this to be your future, your children's future, and your husband's constant responsibility...address this now. Tell him straight to his face that his remarks and behavior are disgusting to you and you'll not listen to another word. When you hear another word, leave. Every time.

I wouldn't have been bothered by, "I should go on a "low calorie diet". In front of the whole table." I don't think it's an Eastern European thing. Some people just regularly have their foot in their mouths. My dad tried to be like with me about losing weight after my 1st kid, with the "I'm concerned about it" garbage, and he loves me to pieces. I'm a size medium instead of zero after kids. You have to take certain things people say with a grain of salt. I think it's perspective here that makes her think he hates her, when he may not at all.

Keep in mind, most know my MIL is an actual nutjob. The whole boob thing, just stare back, so he knows she's caught him doing it. And if he keeps staring, say, "eyes up here"

"eyes up here"

Lol. I like this answer.