My Bf's Dad Is A Nightmare

[Capricorn3]

Its shocking to me how many people here will tell someone who's not being treated well by a partner to stand up for themselves, get some counseling for their low self esteem, know their worth...but when this idiot berates you, most people are saying kill him with kindness, ignore him, avoid him.

 

If you want this to change, you have to address it. Avoidance does not solve issues. Did you read alchemists post? This will continue if you were to have children. I don't care what cultural background he has. I don't go to China and start throwing American slang out at Asians. And if I did, it sure as he|| would not be okay. This is no different. If he wants to act like an Eastern/European pig, then go back to Europe. He simply doesn't care that he's now in a different culture and is royally offensive.

 

Unless you want this to be your future, your children's future, and your husband's constant responsibility...address this now. Tell him straight to his face that his remarks and behavior are disgusting to you and you'll not listen to another word. When you hear another word, leave. Every time.

 

^ This...........

[DissyLu]

I'm a 31 yo male from a heavily eastern European family. All 4 of my grandparents are *******ski of some sort. They all immigrated here as children.

 

Honestly, 90% of the males in my family are misogynistic @ssholes. My dad included.

 

I have a very sweet and soft spoken wife. She has a strong backbone but doesn't respond well to ridiciously sexist and blunt comments, because she doesn't trust her restraint in those situations.

 

My dad (and family) will say some of the most sexist and inappropriate things you have ever heard without seeing anything in the least wrong with their comments.

 

What is annoying is that if you ever call them out on it they just brush it off as joking and back off. But will start back up.

 

Honestly it sounds very similair to how your boyfriend's dad behaves with your description.

 

Essentially though, my male family doesn't have enough respect for woman for any action done by just my wife to have any effect.

 

So every time we responded it always had to be a concerted effort.

 

We pretty much just had to call him out EVERY single time he said or did something we found inappropriate.

 

We didn't call him out in a disrespectful way, we just wouldn't let a single act or comment slip by without a retort.

 

My most common phrase was something along the lines of "I don't really care to hear your opinions but if you are disrespectful to my wife\Gf(at the time) again we are leaving and not coming black for awhile."

 

My wife would commonly say things along the lines of "that is really rude and disrespectful, if you cannot learn to control what comes out of your mouth you won't being seeing us for awhile."

 

He would always try to tell us how we are overreacting to his personality and try to mitigate it in some way.

 

We never accepted that bullsh*t response. Once we established that his excuses are irrelevant we would just leave of he tried excuse himself with that bull.

 

He eventually learned how to control himself pretty well around us. But that took years and us walking out of many family events because of it.

 

When we had our first child, a girl, nearly 4 years ago, it started back with a vengeance.

 

It was worse than we had ever seen. We eventually just had explain to my family that unless they can hold their tongue that they will never get any time around our children.

 

But you need to have your boyfriend to stand up and be more supportive of this effort or else it will be futile.

 

Wow. thank you so much for this. It almost made me cry.

 

I believe every word you're saying and I know if my bf and I were to get married and have kids, he might talk to my kids this way which already has me fuming. I might let his comments about me roll off my back but like your wife, I would have no restraint when it comes to my kids

 

I just think you're more supportive and protective over your wife than my bf is to me. He does support me when I tell him what his dad did or what he said but when we're with him, he's zoned out. I feel alone in this sometimes. The only time he did go out of his way to support me was the only time he heard his Dad say something and left with me. The other times, it's like he doesn't care about looking after me when we're all together as a family.

 

I just spoke to my bf about all this, again. I told him exactly what I just said above. He said he would be more present and look after me more. He was frustrated about it though. Saying he doesn't know what he wants me to do and went on to kind on to imply I'm being too sensitive and that it's not a big deal like I'm making it out to be. He stormed back to his office in the other room after that.

 

I don't know how I feel seeing his Dad on his Mom's birthday now. If I don't have my bf in my corner, I don't want to go.

[DissyLu]

I also want to add, when my bf's Dad made his first rude comment to me my bf didn't say anything in my defense

 

I just asked my bf about that and he said it's because it's normal to him

 

That was the only other time he's heard his Dad say these things

 

I don't know what to do now. My bf is pissed and over me talking about it. Maybe I just shouldn't go next week. I'm really upset.

[abitbroken]

I also want to add, when my bf's Dad made his first rude comment to me my bf didn't say anything in my defense

 

I just asked my bf about that and he said it's because it's normal to him

 

That was the only other time he's heard his Dad say these things

 

I don't know what to do now. My bf is pissed and over me talking about it. Maybe I just shouldn't go next week. I'm really upset.

 

This would not fly with me.

If dad said something that was not rude at all - but his lack of command of the English language makes everything sound short and direct -- i could get that.

But he doesn't belong telling you to go on a diet (unless you were asking "should i go on keto? low calorie;") etc...

 

your bf should have spoken up - if he is ok with dad talking to him in a blunt manner, then that is okay, but he shouldn't put up with it when it comes to you.

 

If he defended you and ALSO told you "just throw it back at him - you can be direct with him also. if you think its rude, you don't have to tiptoe - tell him you are offended" that's another matter. But he's not.

[DissyLu]

My bf just apologized for getting angry

 

He told me he would stick by my side when we're with him and if he's says something rude, my bf is going to stand up for me and then we'll leave

 

My bf has a hard exterior, and he's short tempered, maybe because of the way he was raised but he hates seeing me upset. I know most all, he's deeply embarrassed about what his Dad has done and incredibly angry at his Dad. He's going to speak to his Dad and lay the cards out whether his Dad asks why I see him less or not.

 

My bf says he's not in his parent's corner, he's in mine. He said his Dad has lead him astray in life in terms of social interaction and other areas too. I know he has my back, it's just so hard for him to handle what his Dad has done. He's doing ok though, in my book. I would be beside myself if my Mom or my Dad treated my bf the way his Dad treats me.

[abitbroken]

My bf just apologized for getting angry

 

He told me he would stick by my side when we're with him and if he's says something rude, my bf is going to stand up for me and then we'll leave

 

 

I think if dad says something rude and its nipped in the bud, i don't think you should leave if your boyfriend says something and dad apologizes or it just blows over - -- don't make this huge dramatic exit over it. If dad continues to say things that are actually rude and not just direct -- then your boyfriend can say "oh, i remember i told X we would drop by. sorry to cut the evening short..." and go. and if dad asks why you two leave early every time, your bf can tell him why. Some people feed on drama and running out the door in tears instead of setting boundaries and making a smooth exit just adds fuel.

[DissyLu]

This would not fly with me.

If dad said something that was not rude at all - but his lack of command of the English language makes everything sound short and direct -- i could get that.

But he doesn't belong telling you to go on a diet (unless you were asking "should i go on keto? low calorie;") etc...

 

your bf should have spoken up - if he is ok with dad talking to him in a blunt manner, then that is okay, but he shouldn't put up with it when it comes to you.

 

If he defended you and ALSO told you "just throw it back at him - you can be direct with him also. if you think its rude, you don't have to tiptoe - tell him you are offended" that's another matter. But he's not.

 

He was shocked when his Dad said that to me, when he put two and two together, he took my arm and lead my out of the restaurant. He did well with that.

 

I did tell my bf that he might be used to his Dad speaking that way but I'm not and it's not ok. He understands now. His Dad really did him a disservice in life. My bf is offended at what his Dad says when we get home and I tell him about it but every time (except for two) my bf is never in ear shot which is why he said he'll stick by my side now.

[DissyLu]

I think if dad says something rude and its nipped in the bud, i don't think you should leave if your boyfriend says something and dad apologizes or it just blows over - -- don't make this huge dramatic exit over it. If dad continues to say things that are actually rude and not just direct -- then your boyfriend can say "oh, i remember i told X we would drop by. sorry to cut the evening short..." and go. and if dad asks why you two leave early every time, your bf can tell him why. Some people feed on drama and running out the door in tears instead of setting boundaries and making a smooth exit just adds fuel.

 

I'm not going to stick around for his Dad's nonsense especially considering he takes multiple jabs per visit

 

I'm also not going to walk out of the door in tears

 

I'm going to walk out with my head high letting him know this is unacceptable and I won't tolerate it anymore

[DissyLu]

Thank you to those who suggested I tell him he's being rude instead of remaining silent as I have been

 

I'm just afraid if I overreact or if my bf's family thinks I'm overreacting. It's like my gauge for what's appropriate and what's not has been drastically altered after his rude comments and the family telling me it's wrong but also that it's no big deal

 

At this point I'd rather pour a glass of wine over his head than say anything. But THAT would definitely be an overreaction

 

My bf's Mom claims she has my back but in the same breathe she says to not take him seriously

 

Bottom line, yes, I know I need to say something. I just don't know what to say and the right time for it. I don't want to overreact but I also don't want to be a doormat. He really likes doing this to me. Yes, he is a bully. I've never been good at standing up to bullies. I'm afraid I'm going to shoot a rat with a cannon.

[Seraphim]

The bottom line is it is unacceptable to YOU. It doesn’t matter a rat’s azz if they think it’s acceptable or you are overacting. I wish my husband had stood up for us better but he won’t becuase he was terrified or his parents and his parents hold life time grudges and kicked him out once when he was young for standing up for me.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and I'd avoid feeding the pig. Taking this ridiculous douche bag seriously would only humiliate my BF and give his dad the shock value he craves. Instead, I'd limit my exposure. Whenever that's not possible, I'd limit my interaction and play oblivious whenever I must interact. This is different than ignoring. It's cheerful while failing to notice whatever is intended to shock me or insult me.

 

Notice something else instead, and either change the subject or otherwise just fail to respond. The goal is not to impress change on the old man, it's to consider him irrelevant while preserving your relationship with the BF.

 

Attention seekers thrive on attention. Cheerful failure to notice them is your best defense. If the fallout from that is his belief that you are stupid, then take it--it disables your opponent. There is no value in insulting people who are too stupid to notice, while everyone else who is smart enough to recognize what you are doing will privately thank you for it.

 

Head high, and don't exert yourself. You'll thank yourself later, and so will BF and his family.

[itsallgrand]

I'm really sorry you've been exposed to this.

 

I can't help thinking of certain members of my family while reading this. And I can't help thinking there's abuse lurking beneath the surface in this family - that what you are seeing in the tip of an iceberg that goes back so many years, they are so immersed at this point they no longer see top from bottom.

 

Everyone bowing down to this creep- and no one is willing to break the dynamic here. As an outsider, you can see more clearly that things are off. But you are invested in keeping peace due to not wanting to hurt your bf- understandable.

It's understandable but you are now being sucked in!

 

Personally I have some strong convictions about standing up when something is wrong. It's no joke- I've lost some family members because of this. No regrets at all, as hurtful as it could be at times. I have to look at myself and myself only in the mirror- I want what is reflected there to be in accordance with how I really am.

 

You are right that they are throwing you off balance. Know this: nothing, absolutely nothing is as important to them as keeping their status quo. You see it in ACTION. Smiles, talk, even agreeing with you out of one side of the mouth is cheap. Their actions say what they care about here.

 

I wouldn't trust him mom. Have empathy for? Sure, never hurts to have empathy for people, but she is part of the problem. Dad is the one they get to put their negative feelings onto, a scapegoat, but that's just classic in a dynamic with this.

 

Perhaps if you take as a whole that the FAMILY has a serious problem, not only him, it'll help diffuse some of the anger you have for him. He's one piece, but they are all messed up.

 

What you do is just be you- be you- and let them fall all over themselves to adjust to that. Some places it's not possible to 'fit in' without compromising something too important. Not worth it!

 

You will see very quickly who has your back, truly, then. Sometimes it's surprising.

[thealchemist]

As long as you and your bf are united and communicating together about this you are doing great.

 

With my family, my dad is broken in so many ways. He was really messed up by his dad.

 

That infected him in how he raised me, and even infected me. I made a huge point to stop that from coming to my kids, even if my wife and I have to raise them with them not knowing their extended family.

 

Luckily our parents know we are serious and that we will remove them from our lives if it is in the best interest of our children.

 

But growing up, my dad would beat the hell out of me sometimes to "toughen me up" and such. I had to rewire many parts of my brain to even be able to be in a functioning romantic relationship.

 

I also did not handle his comments about my wife when we started dating at 16 very maturely. Your boyfriend is going to have a hard to doing this.

 

But standing up to people, especially your parents, is a milestone of adulthood in my opinion.

 

But as a somewhat emotionally dysfunctional 16 yo... After my dad met my Gf he came up to me later and asked "does the pair of t*ts have a brain?" Because she was so quiet, mainly because I warned her about him.

 

When I didn't respond he pushed me and I turned swinging. We ended up fighting on the ground until my mom came up and started hitting us both telling us to go outside if we are going to fight...

 

That is how I was raised.

 

But even so, I know how much my parents care for me and I really didn't want to have to remove more family from my life, especially my parents.

 

So instead of just ignoring it and limiting my time to nothing, I decided I was going to call him out every time he opened his mouth around me with that bull.

 

Turns out he is capable of self control and now I get to see my parents a lot, and they get to see my children.

 

I was pretty much brainwashed to think a family has to function a certain way. I knew that what I saw I didn't like(my parents have been married for over 30 years and yelling at each other for half of it) and I wanted something different.

 

It is hard to do something so abstract differently than the only way you know. If you bf supports you and is in your corner give then be very understanding about how difficult this is. This is an eye opening epitome.

 

But do not allow that understanding to become enabling of this behavior. Because that is the easy way and his status quo, so it might be very natural for him to slip back.

 

Just reaffirm that it is unacceptable to you.

 

I wish you good luck with her birthday, whatever path you take.

[journeynow]

Bottom line, yes, I know I need to say something. I just don't know what to say and the right time for it. I don't want to overreact but I also don't want to be a doormat.

 

Did you ever watch Full House? Maybe simply saying "How RUDE" in a Stephanie Tanner voice, each and every time, and then turn your attention to someone else and have an unrelated conversation with them.

[DissyLu]

I do need to be patient with my bf's understanding of all of this. It's kind of a shock to him and he's really embarrassed. I know what it's like to grow up thinking something unhealthy is normal then realizing it's anything but. He's doing the best he can and IMO, he's handling this pretty well

 

I am going to say something to his Dad the next time he says something rude to me. My fear is though, that instead of saying, 'that was rude', I'm just going to lose it and say something I regret. I've done a lot of thinking about this the past couple days and the more I think about it, the more angry I am. I wish I would've said something sooner so I didn't bottle my feelings up.

 

I just hope I don't end up burning bridges

[Wiseman2]

Rude oafs come in all shapes, sizes, cultures, counties, genders, etc. So keep that in mind and separate "cultural norm" from rude oaf. Yes be direct and rather than say "you're rude". Simply say "what do you mean by that?". This usually shines the spotlight on it and puts them on the spot. It also avoids dragging emotions into it...will assure that you lose.

[catfeeder]

I do need to be patient with my bf's understanding of all of this. It's kind of a shock to him and he's really embarrassed. I know what it's like to grow up thinking something unhealthy is normal then realizing it's anything but. He's doing the best he can and IMO, he's handling this pretty well

 

I am going to say something to his Dad the next time he says something rude to me. My fear is though, that instead of saying, 'that was rude', I'm just going to lose it and say something I regret. I've done a lot of thinking about this the past couple days and the more I think about it, the more angry I am. I wish I would've said something sooner so I didn't bottle my feelings up.

 

I just hope I don't end up burning bridges

 

Most every family owns a 'problem' member. Decide how much of an activist role you'll want to assign to yourself this early in your relationship.

 

You can talk yourself into ramping up a confrontation, or you can challenge your view of the guy as significant or relevant enough at this time.

 

Decide how important such a confrontation 'must' be to you and exactly what you'd hope to accomplish by it. Envision potential outcomes and decide the likelihood of any of those playing out the way you wish.

 

Read my sig, and consider adopting a lens that buys you time, distance and objectivity before behaving in a manner that you cannot undo.

 

Head high.

[thealchemist]

Most every family owns a 'problem' member. Decide how much of an activist role you'll want to assign to yourself this early in your relationship.

 

You can talk yourself into ramping up a confrontation, or you can challenge your view of the guy as significant or relevant enough at this time.

 

Decide how important such a confrontation 'must' be to you and exactly what you'd hope to accomplish by it. Envision potential outcomes and decide the likelihood of any of those playing out the way you wish.

 

Read my sig, and consider adopting a lens that buys you time, distance and objectivity before behaving in a manner that you cannot undo.

 

Head high.

What I would give to have only "a" problem family member...

[DissyLu]

I'm seeing his family tomorrow and I have one more question to humbly ask...

 

As I mentioned before, my bf's great Uncle gropes me every time I hug him. I no longer give him hugs claiming I have a cold. My bf's Mom knows her Uncle gropes me and says he does it to her too so she understands why I don't want to hug him anymore. I thought I was in the clear but last time ( after telling the Uncle I had a cold and not going in for a hug) my bf's mom was sitting next to me and her Uncle and said, "He's waiting for a hug." I thought, ?! She knows he feels me up so why would she try to put me in that position again???? I felt like she was kind of two faced in that situation. I thought she'd have my back. I politely stated I had a cold, again.

 

Any thoughts on how to deal with this? I don't want to keep saying I have a cold but I don't know what else to say. I also don't know what to think about my bf's mom encouraging me to be felt up..????

[boltnrun]

She's indoctrinated to accept and to go along with their behavior.

 

But...YOU don't have to.

 

Next time Creepy Uncle tries to grope you, say in a clear voice "Please don't put your hands on me like that".

 

If no one speaks up, that is tacit acceptance and almost approval of their bad behaviors. My cousin who is in law enforcement encourages me to always say clearly when someone's behavior is not acceptable or makes me uncomfortable.

[DissyLu]

She's indoctrinated to accept and to go along with their behavior.

 

But...YOU don't have to.

 

Next time Creepy Uncle tries to grope you, say in a clear voice "Please don't put your hands on me like that".

 

If no one speaks up, that is tacit acceptance and almost approval of their bad behaviors. My cousin who is in law enforcement encourages me to always say clearly when someone's behavior is not acceptable or makes me uncomfortable.

 

Thanks so much for the advice bolt

 

Honestly, I'd rather not hug him at all. He gropes me every time I do so I'd rather not put myself in that position

 

I just don't know how to excuse myself from giving him a hug considering he's always looking for one and my bf's mom is totally fine with him feeling me up. I'm really disappointed in her for that. I thought we were on the same page about him.

[boltnrun]

Thanks so much for the advice bolt

 

Honestly, I'd rather not hug him at all. He gropes me every time I do so I'd rather not put myself in that position

 

I just don't know how to excuse myself from giving him a hug considering he's always looking for one and my bf's mom is totally fine with him feeling me up. I'm really disappointed in her for that. I thought we were on the same page about him.

 

She has a lot to lose if she speaks up. Plus, if your boyfriend didn't realize these things were wrong until you pointed it out, she has had the same experience. At the most, you won't be visiting anymore; this is her HUSBAND and family member she would have to go up against. Culturally, I doubt that is commonplace or acceptable.

[DissyLu]

She has a lot to lose if she speaks up. Plus, if your boyfriend didn't realize these things were wrong until you pointed it out, she has had the same experience. At the most, you won't be visiting anymore; this is her HUSBAND and family member she would have to go up against. Culturally, I doubt that is commonplace or acceptable.

 

My bf has always despised his great Uncle. He was an awful man to my bf and his family and still is in some ways.

 

My bf didn't know he was groping me until I told him. Of course he knew right on the spot that it was wrong and encouraged me to never hug him again. He's appalled my his Uncle's actions. But his mom? Ehhh, I think this is normal to her like you said.

 

I agree with what you're saying. I guess what that means for me is I really have no allies in my bf's family except for my bf. That's kind of a tough pill to swallow. I really don't trust his mom, dad or uncle at this point. That makes visiting with them very nerve racking. I almost don't want to be around them but I know I have to (for special occasions) just to keep the peace.

 

Pretty disappointing people in my book

[DissyLu]

At the most, you won't be visiting anymore

 

Is this warranted?

 

My gauge for what is ok and what is not has been altered because of all this, that's why I ask

[boltnrun]

Is this warranted?

 

My gauge for what is ok and what is not has been altered because of all this, that's why I ask

 

I was just pointing out that your boyfriend's mom would have a lot more to lose than you would if she spoke up compared to if you spoke up.