My Bf's Dad Is A Nightmare

[Seraphim]

Personally, I would say , touch me like that again I will kick you in the nuts. But i have been sexually assaulted and I won’t ever put up with anyone’s shyte.

[itsallgrand]

Just remember you don't have to do anything which makes you uncomfortable or that you don't want to do.

You are in control and you have choice.

 

It's perfectly ok to choose not to put yourself into a situation in which you know from experience will place you in a lose - lose spot. It's ok to choose to avoid a situation in which you know a man will try to grope you and others will pressure you to go along rather than support you.

 

Perhaps you sit down with your bf and say , I need to opt out this time. I'm confused and need to work this out for myself, and do not want to act on rash emotion nor burn unnecessary bridges, and I know it's your family and understand your need right now to go. And then, maybe we can talk more about this later.

 

It's not easy getting a mind around dynamics like this, particularly if you've not been around them before, and your health comes first.

 

You are worrying yourself sick, they are blissfully carrying on as they always have, and will continue to do so.

 

That's why sometimes you just have to put yourself first. Your bf does love you, but he's still too wrapped up in it to not continue to put you in these situations. Maybe just wait for now if you fear you are close to popping on them?!

[chitown9]

I think that you will see a positive change for the better now that you have your husband's full support. I am glad that he sees the need to stick by your side during social visits. As far as the Uncle goes, that one is up to you. Just state, " I am not comfortable hugging because you do not respect my boundaries." chi

[catfeeder]

my bf's mom was sitting next to me and her Uncle and said, "He's waiting for a hug." ...Any thoughts on how to deal with this? ... I also don't know what to think about my bf's mom encouraging me to be felt up..????

 

I'd have looked straight at her and laughed, and said, "Well, that's too bad, so sad. I'm not getting groped again."

 

Every time I see the uncle, I'd say hello and stand my ground. When he moves in for a hug, I'd just hold up a finger and say, "No touching." Period. No explanation is necessary, because everyone knows what her does.

 

You don't need to make a performance out of it, and you don't need to be bullied by anyone else. If you're challenged, simply smile and say, "I'm not having my breast groped again, thanks."

 

And that's that.

[Snny]

Just remember, sexual assault commonly occurs when the victim knows the perpetrator moreso with a stranger. They do it because it’s easier to get away with the behavior. Don’t let the Creepachu Uncle take advantage of you all because he knows you and the family. I would also refuse to visit out of regards to my personal safety.

 

It’s clear mom isn’t going to back you up. She married into this dynamic and follows it. It stops with you.

[DissyLu]

Thanks for the replies everyone :)

 

I don't think I ever really stopped to think about all the times he groped me. I brushed it off. I did a have nightmare though, of not being able to pull back from him.

 

It wasn't until a poster mentioned that this is sexual assault that I started to realize how violated I felt. I do feel a mix of anger, violation and disgust when I think about it. The last time he felt me up I tried to pull back but he held on (to my breasts). I can't really get that out of my head.

 

I hate that I'm supposed to sit at a dinner table next to this man who violated me and I'm expected to act lovingly and polite towards him. It's really a mind f***. Honestly I'm so angry, I can't believe the whole family just brushes this off because he's an old man. My bf wants to kill him. He touched me in a way that I'll never forget.

 

I welcomed him into my home, cooked for him. I've always been to kind to him. And now after being felt up so many times, I guess I just have to pretend like it never happened. I don't know how to do that. I don't know why my bf's family expects me to do that.

 

As for the family dinner last night...it went surprisingly well. My bf's dad was like a sheep compared to his normal lion status. He told my bf in their native language at the dinner table that my bf and I are good together and he hopes we stay with each other. I know this sounds like small potatoes but my bf's Dad isn't expressive at all so for him to say that meant a lot to my bf. I feel like my bf looks at me in a different way now, a good way just different, like something in his head has changed. He has his parent's official blessing even though they always liked me. As for the Uncle, I didn't hug him, no way. At the end of the night he tried to hug me but my bf had his arm around me and pulled me away. I was glad for that. We got his mom presents and cards, she was so happy she almost cried. It was a good night.

[Seraphim]

Honey, yes grabbing your breasts is sexual assault. I am sorry this happened to you . If you are having difficulties please contact your doctor and see if you can get some counselling sessions .

[catfeeder]

I guess I just have to pretend like it never happened. I don't know how to do that.

 

No, you don't. Think of your options on a scale of 1 to 10. This gives you a wide range of responses at any given time instead of only the two most extreme responses: pretending it didn't happen OR prosecution.

 

So you can stop hugging the guy, and whenever he attempts a hug, you just remind him--and keep reminding him--that touching you is off limits, and you won't allow him to grab your breast again.

 

Done.

 

I'd also stop interpreting BF's Mom as necessarily prompting you to hug the guy. She stated the obvious. She likely was curious to hear your response. So state the obvious yourself, "Yeah...no. I won't be hugging uncle anymore, thank you, and I think you can understand why."

 

All of the above is rinse and repeat as necessary. No need to hesitate to flatly state that the man grabbed your breast, so he's not allowed to touch you again. If you're matter of fact about it, then it's a fact, and you can just move onto another subject from there.

 

Head high.

[helenh]

Your cultures are very different. Such oddities should be ignored.

[Seraphim]

Your cultures are very different. Such oddities should be ignored.

 

People grabbing your boob should never be ignored.

[catfeeder]

Your cultures are very different. Such oddities should be ignored.

 

Uhm....no. Grabbing a boob is not cultural, it's assault.

[HeartGoesOn]

This thread has run its course...