The awful truth of being the "other woman"...

Don't do it.

Here is a copy and pasted excerpt from an email I received from "my" married man. The one I left my husband for. The one that told me he loved me no matter what. Perhaps, I can heal and help someone else. Obviously, I have gaps to fill in but lets start with the ending first, shall we? THIS IS HOW AFFAIRS END. For bonus, I will later post the email from his wife that I actually received first. I had to omit some text as to be careful not to overshare. As I read it over and over , at first I could not believe it was his words. I cannot tell you how I have felt. I am numb. I am strong. I am going to forgive myself and move on. One day. I hope that this saves at least one of you. - Suzanna

"If could only change one day in my life, the day I’d change would be the day I met you. If I had it to do over again, I’d turn and walk away without saying a word. Every minute, every emotion, every conversation, every email, every thought I gave to you was one I robbed from my wife. She didn’t deserve to have those things taken away from her. I deprived her of all those things. Everything about our relationship fell in the category of foolishness. Everything. I love my wife. I do not, did not, will not ever love you.

...You and I did this to her. She didn’t ask for it. To minimize her hurt and anger to me is an insult....

....she has been nothing short of remarkable given the magnitude of my infractions and the weight of this revelation. The fact that she has chosen to forgive and to reconcile with me when I probably don’t deserve either is no light matter. I will never let anyone... ANYONE... come between me and her again. She is the strongest, biggest-hearted, most Godly woman I have ever known. The remainder of my life will be faithfully committed to serving God and loving her......"

****insert vomit here*** He sure didn't have anything positive to say about her before. I. Am. So. Stupid.

Sorry to hear this. She most likely was standing behind him when he composed this with the divorce attorney's card in her hand. He certainly doesn't have enough conscience to do this on his own accord and certainly not because he's so "committed to God". You'll likely hear from this swine again or he'll just move on to the next mistress.

Can you block him, turn your back, and leave him and all thoughts of him behind you? Take what you've learned, and live your best life.

This guy is trying to blame you for his cheating! This is not fair to you. He knew what he was doing. You knew what you were doing. He has only himself to blame. Shame on him trying to pass this onto you.

I think it may deter other women thinking of having an affair. I think his email to you was gratuitous and certainly as the main cheater he is more to blame. But that's kind of besides the point. Hopefully his wife will not continue to suffer from what happened and you can move on with your life.

When a man will lie, cheat, and completely betray his SO and his existing relationship, what made you think that he is in any way being going to be honest with you? Serious question that I often wonder about and I hope you respond if you know the answer or have thought about it.

Oh dear - what a crappy email. I agree with others, he is the main culprit in this situation, he is only admitting to hurting his wife but has no sympathy for you, the woman he persuaded to fall in love with him while he was married to someone else. His email feels very accusatory and insincere, and I have no idea why he would feel the need to go on and on like that... a simple "we can't see each other again" probably would have done the trick.

My guess is that his marriage will not last very long after this, not that that should give you any hope or solace. You should learn your lesson and go on the path to healing yourself.

When hands get dirty, it's time to clean them.

There really is no honorable behavior when someone cheats.

I hope you learned your lesson.

Agree. It also praises the wife a bit too much, admits he hurt her a bit too much , claims he's now committed to God and of course it's all the other woman's fault. The wife got a cc of this.

His email feels very accusatory and insincere, and I have no idea why he would feel the need to go on and on like that... a simple "we can't see each other again" probably would have done the trick.

That email seems to have been written by her or in her presence. He wasn't worth it anyway.

A former coworker was having an affair with a married man (she was also married ). She waited years for him to leave his wife. When he finally did, he found a new girlfriend. And he told my former coworker that he didn't want to have a serious relationship with a woman who would consent to be involved in an affair! Hypocrite much? ?

It seldom turns out the way the other person hoped it would.

I know, right? Sheesh. Be proud. I did not respond. Boy, do I want to. No I am not. Though I do have a few choice words...

Lesson learned, hopefully.

Block them both forever. And never stoop so low as to be someone's side-piece again. You devalued yourself from the beginning, and he took full advantage of it.

This guy is trying to blame you for his cheating! This is not fair to you. He knew what he was doing. You knew what you were doing. He has only himself to blame. Shame on him trying to pass this onto you.

EXACTLY what I thought. He's blaming you when it's himself who needs a good swift kick in the butt, at the very least. You didnt make him cheat with you, it was his choice. Now, block this swine and move on. Dont mess with married men ever again.

.....Or it's a copy and paste e-mail he sends to all side chics once he is done with them and ready to move on to the next one if he hasn't already. It's certainly effective and did send the OP packing like a cold bucket of water. Talk about swiftly disabusing her of whatever bs and illusions he fed her. It just absolutely amazes me how women can ever think that a cheater is some kind of a prize catch.

.....Or it's a copy and paste e-mail he sends to all side chics once he is done with them and ready to move on to the next one if he hasn't already. It's certainly effective and did send the OP packing like a cold bucket of water. Talk about swiftly disabusing her of whatever bs and illusions he fed her. It just absolutely amazes me how women can ever think that a cheater is some kind of a prize catch.

The OP is also a cheater. So I'm not so sure why there is so much disgust with his being a lying douche. Isn't that merely a page from the cheater's playbook?

Maybe the OPs kind of lying is not so overt. But is a lie of omission better? Does her husband know what happened?

The OP is also a cheater. So I'm not so sure why there is so much disgust with his being a lying douche. Isn't that merely a page from the cheater's playbook?

 

Maybe the OPs kind of lying is not so overt. But is a lie of omission better? Does her husband know what happened?

The OP left her husband for this man and no where has she said she cheated on him. At least she tried to make the right move in earnest, to be with a man with whom she had fallen in love - a love she truly believed was reciprocated.

I think he probably wrote this himself but with the intention of showing his wife, or maybe hoping the wife would 'come across it', as lets face it, she's going to be doing a lot of trawling through his correspondence for quite some time to come. I cannot imagine how kicked in the gut you must feel right now OP. I guess you just need to be strong, move forward and learn from past mistakes. See this as a new chapter for you. Pay him back by being happier in life than he will ever be in his deceitful, faux religious farce of a life.

The OP is also a cheater. So I'm not so sure why there is so much disgust with his being a lying douche. Isn't that merely a page from the cheater's playbook?

 

Maybe the OPs kind of lying is not so overt. But is a lie of omission better? Does her husband know what happened?

There is no better. The disgust is that women fall for the bs over and over. The whole "I'm sooo special, his true love and his wife is just an evil b... getting in the way of our love." routine. Talk about self delusion. Plus it also never stops to amaze me that those same women seem to be utterly shocked when they get put out on the curb. Like really? What's the surprise part here? Overall though, both people involved in the affair don't have even one iota of moral fiber or basic human decency.

.....Or it's a copy and paste e-mail he sends to all side chics once he is done with them and ready to move on to the next one if he hasn't already. It's certainly effective and did send the OP packing like a cold bucket of water. Talk about swiftly disabusing her of whatever bs and illusions he fed her. It just absolutely amazes me how women can ever think that a cheater is some kind of a prize catch.

The OP is also a cheater. So I'm not so sure why there is so much disgust with his being a lying douche. Isn't that merely a page from the cheater's playbook?

 

Maybe the OPs kind of lying is not so overt. But is a lie of omission better? Does her husband know what happened?

The OP left her husband for this man and no where has she said she cheated on him. At least she tried to make the right move in earnest, to be with a man with whom she had fallen in love - a love she truly believed was reciprocated.

I think he probably wrote this himself but with the intention of showing his wife, or maybe hoping the wife would 'come across it', as lets face it, she's going to be doing a lot of trawling through his correspondence for quite some time to come. I cannot imagine how kicked in the gut you must feel right now OP. I guess you just need to be strong, move forward and learn from past mistakes. See this as a new chapter for you. Pay him back by being happier in life than he will ever be in his deceitful, faux religious farce of a life.

There is no better. The disgust is that women fall for the bs over and over. The whole "I'm sooo special, his true love and his wife is just an evil b... getting in the way of our love." routine. Talk about self delusion. Plus it also never stops to amaze me that those same women seem to be utterly shocked when they get put out on the curb. Like really? What's the surprise part here? Overall though, both people involved in the affair don't have even one iota of moral fiber or basic human decency.

Someone leaving for another man is most definitely well on the way to cheating--at the very least. Nobody arrives at such a decision without having some kind of inappropriate contact with another man. I mean, deciding to leave and to go to another man? That is not independently arrived at with no input from, well, um, the other man!

That he is a lying scumbag is kind of besides the point.

The OPs decision process was done in secret, wasn't it? Unless she spoke to her husband about leaving him and THEN having found someone else.

An overt lie is bad, but so is a secret one-unadmitted to.

Someone leaving for another man is most definitely well on the way to cheating--at the very least. Nobody arrives at such a decision without having some kind of inappropriate contact with another man. I mean, deciding to leave and to go to another man? That is not independently arrived at with no input from, well, um, the other man!

 

That he is a lying scumbag is kind of besides the point.

 

The OPs decision process was done in secret, wasn't it? Unless she spoke to her husband about leaving him and THEN having found someone else.

 

An overt lie is bad, but so is a secret one-unadmitted to.

I am not sure what you are trying to say here. That the OP's hands are equally dirty? That's kind of a given, isn't it? Even if she had been single all along, even if she didn't cheat on her ex husband, the very fact that she engaged in an affair pretty much makes her less than.... It takes two messed up people to have an affair, not one.

The cheater and the other are often the same kind of people. They both love the high risk stakes. When will we rendezvous next? Will I (we) get caught, etc. what story can I come up with this time and get by with it? They both think they are far more clever than everyone. They also feel they can beat all the odds, just like gamblers. The cheater that he won't get caught and the other thinks her grand love will prevail. This is why these people find each other and pursue what they pursue. Problem is they are playing at different games at different gambling tables and everyone loses their respective bets. As they say, birds of a feather...

My friend who is involved in an affair with a married man isn't in it for the thrill of doing something illicit. She sincerely wants to be married and have a family and so far she has had zero luck meeting a man who shares that dream with her. Mostly that's because of her dating style...she meets a guy, he gets her number, he invites her over to his place, they have sex, she never sees or hears from him again. She is not loose or cheap, she just has no clue how to find a decent man who sees her as a marriage prospect and to compensate, she tries to have sex to convince them to want her as their girlfriend. It's really sad.

So she thinks this married guy is going to provide her with the marriage and children she fervently wants. But she struck out again...he won't leave his wife. She even became pregnant and he chose to abandon her and the baby. It's an awful situation.

But she wasn't looking for thrills. Just love. And going about it all wrong.

And for the record, I feel she's wrong. I've told her so. But as for her motivations? She's not thrill-seeking.

Talk about self delusion.

Self-delusion plays a roll in so many relationships, no matter the legitimacy, with mixed results. If only we all had the skills to recognize it and avoid it.

.....Or it's a copy and paste e-mail he sends to all side chics once he is done with them and ready to move on to the next one if he hasn't already. It's certainly effective and did send the OP packing like a cold bucket of water. Talk about swiftly disabusing her of whatever bs and illusions he fed her. It just absolutely amazes me how women can ever think that a cheater is some kind of a prize catch.

The OP is also a cheater. So I'm not so sure why there is so much disgust with his being a lying douche. Isn't that merely a page from the cheater's playbook?

 

Maybe the OPs kind of lying is not so overt. But is a lie of omission better? Does her husband know what happened?

The OP left her husband for this man and no where has she said she cheated on him. At least she tried to make the right move in earnest, to be with a man with whom she had fallen in love - a love she truly believed was reciprocated.

I think he probably wrote this himself but with the intention of showing his wife, or maybe hoping the wife would 'come across it', as lets face it, she's going to be doing a lot of trawling through his correspondence for quite some time to come. I cannot imagine how kicked in the gut you must feel right now OP. I guess you just need to be strong, move forward and learn from past mistakes. See this as a new chapter for you. Pay him back by being happier in life than he will ever be in his deceitful, faux religious farce of a life.

There is no better. The disgust is that women fall for the bs over and over. The whole "I'm sooo special, his true love and his wife is just an evil b... getting in the way of our love." routine. Talk about self delusion. Plus it also never stops to amaze me that those same women seem to be utterly shocked when they get put out on the curb. Like really? What's the surprise part here? Overall though, both people involved in the affair don't have even one iota of moral fiber or basic human decency.

Someone leaving for another man is most definitely well on the way to cheating--at the very least. Nobody arrives at such a decision without having some kind of inappropriate contact with another man. I mean, deciding to leave and to go to another man? That is not independently arrived at with no input from, well, um, the other man!

 

That he is a lying scumbag is kind of besides the point.

 

The OPs decision process was done in secret, wasn't it? Unless she spoke to her husband about leaving him and THEN having found someone else.

 

An overt lie is bad, but so is a secret one-unadmitted to.

I am not sure what you are trying to say here. That the OP's hands are equally dirty? That's kind of a given, isn't it? Even if she had been single all along, even if she didn't cheat on her ex husband, the very fact that she engaged in an affair pretty much makes her less than.... It takes two messed up people to have an affair, not one.

Yes, exactly so. It is a given to me, but I have been reading sympathy for her as if she is some kind of victim.

Sadly that's the dialogue she tells herself and everyone else. She's a tragic victim unsuccessfully looking for love. In fact she does engage in high risk behaviors which often overlap with self defeating behaviors. One night stands and married people are both high-risk, low-return and self defeating. Same as someone dumping their paycheck into a slot machine for the thrill of "this time will be the win!".

My friend who is involved in an affair with a married man. She sincerely wants to be married and have a family and so far she has had zero luck meeting a man...she meets a guy, he gets her number, he invites her over to his place, they have sex, she never sees or hears from him again.