Online dating over 30

I've recently become more serious about internet dating, after realizing my biological clock is ticking away while I twiddle my thumbs waiting for something to happen IRL. I've never been a fan of online dating because it feels so unnatural to me but I figure it's the only way to steadily meet single men.

My question is, how quickly should I weed out people? Since I've started seriously looking online about 6 months ago, I've only met up with one person even though I've had a lot of invites. My thinking is that if we don't click while messaging, it would never work out. I don't mean to sound harsh but I don't have a lot of free time so I need to be strategic with who I agree to meet up with.

What are your thoughts on online dating? Would you agree to meet up with someone even if the messaging/texting interaction was only lukewarm? How excited should I be about someone before agreeing to meet up?

Underlying all of this is the fear that I would never meet the right person, get married, and start a family. But I don't want to settle. How do I know if my standards are too high?

Don't date online - it is unnatural. Meet people through on line sites ASAP in person and get very good at safety screening and screening as in "could I enjoy coffee for 45 minutes with this person" - do that within a 20-30 minute phone call and exchange only the messages necessary to get a phone number and schedule a call. Do not meet without speaking -i screened out so many because of voice tone/quality/phone manners. Suggest a meet if he doesn't and you'd like to meet him because that is not asking him out - let him ask you out on a date after you meet in person (IMO - feel free to ask him out if you want).

If you meet in person ASAP after contact on line then it will be as natural as meeting a stranger in person first.

I did all of my dating sites in my 30s and did personal ads in my 20s. Met well over 100 men in person. Communicated with hundreds more. I only met in person if I thought he seemed safe to meet (meaning I googled to check on lies about age/marital status/ background including educational background and also whether he mentioned sex/sexual stuff before meeting -if he did, bye bye).

If it was lukewarm I often did not meet -like you I had very little free time. My standards about meeting in person were higher than if we also knew people in common (which was regularly the case with me with on line connections) or if someone set us up. Regularly reevaluate your standards and make sure you're not holding on to them out of habit.

Several -many? -of my friends met their spouses and SOs in their 30s through on line sites. I did not but I could have (my husband was online and we started dating for the second time around in our late 30s). I was engaged to someone I met through a personal ad and had a number of short term relationships too.

Good luck -it can be like a part time job but if your goal is marriage and family it is well worth it!

The problem with online dating is that the major part of communication data (the non verbal i.e. tone of voice, facial expressions etc) is absent. Plus, your underlying fear of not finding the right person probably colors your perception and how you interpret written messages. Unless someone is offensive, you could go on one date with them to get a clear picture. Otherwise, imo sitting behind a screen waiting for something to click is not much different than waiting IRL. It's still passive. A more active way would be engaging in a real life extra curricular activity involving volunteering, meetups, or a hobby that is likely to be practiced by single men.

Batya is right on the money.

But i would add...Weed people out if their profile says they do not want children, they are separated, etc. Only accept invites from guys who are a reasonable match as far as the basics otherwise you are wasting your time. If they message you - be nice - but say you aren't a match. If I weeded my guy out because he didn't write eloquent emails, i would have missed out on everything )and his spelling wasn't awesome). (obviously, if someone is lewd, then that's a weed out). Coffee or lunch is a good thing for a first meet. Or if you are a part of a dog walking group and they have a dog...

The best guy might be awkward at trying to figure out the best thing to say in a message because "he normally doesn't do this sort of thing (online dating) and thought he'd give it a shot".

Never underestimate the power of Meetup or activity groups as well.

We exchanged 2-3 emails and then had a phone call just to confirm the meet we had already set up. Nothing lengthy.

Batya is right on the money.

 

But i would add...Weed people out if their profile says they do not want children, they are separated, etc. Only accept invites from guys who are a reasonable match as far as the basics otherwise you are wasting your time. If they message you - be nice - but say you aren't a match. If I weeded my guy out because he didn't write eloquent emails, i would have missed out on everything )and his spelling wasn't awesome). (obviously, if someone is lewd, then that's a weed out). Coffee or lunch is a good thing for a first meet. Or if you are a part of a dog walking group and they have a dog...

The best guy might be awkward at trying to figure out the best thing to say in a message because "he normally doesn't do this sort of thing (online dating) and thought he'd give it a shot".

 

Never underestimate the power of Meetup or activity groups as well.

 

We exchanged 2-3 emails and then had a phone call just to confirm the meet we had already set up. Nothing lengthy.

Agree with this and there is nothing passive in the least about meeting someone in person for a first meet to see if a first date should happen. That requires action and being proactive. It requires showing up on time, looking nice and keeping up with your half of the conversation. On line dating where you sit behind a screen chatting with complete strangers at length for weeks or longer is a passive approach to finding a romantic relationship (although it can be great for actively making a friend). Definitely supplement with extra curricular activities which is how a few of my friends met their spouses in their 30s (ranging from tennis, to salsa dancing to doing laundry on Valentine's Day).

There is a learning curve for everyone when doing on line dating. Some people get tons of messages and become extremely picky and have a hard time meeting the right buy. Usually this happens because they only meet the guys that look really good on paper or in this case onscreen and over text. You should have a mental check list that you can use when you get a message. Am I attracted to him physically? Did he seem like he actually read my profile? Did he send a decent message? Do our lives at least have similar orbits? Then you can talk on the phone (yikes I know actually talking on the phone instead of texting) and see if he sounds interesting but keep the call pretty short and then meet in person for coffee or something in a safe place.

I am curious if you have little time to date and meet men how are you going to meet a man, get married and have children?

Dating doesn't have to eat up a lot of your time but if it is important to you then you do need to chisel out some time to but in consistent effort to get what you want right?

I am sure you have seen plenty of profiles of guys where you just thought "oh, no way" bit saw others and thought "he looks interesting" figure out the qualities of those men and that will help you weed out the bad ones from potential partners.

Lost

Online dating shouldn't be feared and it sets you up to date IRL. It's just faster because everyone on there's has the intention to date. Where as IRL, you're not sure whether that person is available or interested.

The one hangup people have with online dating is being overwhelmed by having too many choices. Don't fall into the trap overanalyzing the process and debating the minutiae of online dating that you end up not dating at all. The purpose is to go out on dates and not sit behind a screen and have a pen pal.

I like to think of online dating like job hunting. You screen out candidates to see if they are at least somewhat qualified but it's important to talk and eventually meet them. The date is like the personal interview because you haven't made up your mind about anything, just that you meet the minimum qualifications. Online messages doesn't give you the big picture. Body language and appearances give you a better idea.

Lukewarm messages to me sounds better than cold messages.

Personally, most people I met online I made sure we messaged each other, then spoke on the phone, and met IRL. Sometimes, I set up a date the same day that I meet them by telling them im free and ask if they want to meet for drinks at a local bar. Either process works. The important thing is that your going on dates instead if doing nothing. Especially if you're concerned about your biological clock, you're not making much progress sitting behind a computer screen. Sure you'll have some bad dates, but that's part of the process. Nobody hits home runs every at bat. You're not lowering your standards by going on bad dates. You're probably reinforcing them with every bad date and the more dates you go on, the refined your standards become.

There is a learning curve for everyone when doing on line dating. Some people get tons of messages and become extremely picky and have a hard time meeting the right buy. Usually this happens because they only meet the guys that look really good on paper or in this case onscreen and over text. You should have a mental check list that you can use when you get a message. Am I attracted to him physically? Did he seem like he actually read my profile? Did he send a decent message? Do our lives at least have similar orbits? Then you can talk on the phone (yikes I know actually talking on the phone instead of texting) and see if he sounds interesting but keep the call pretty short and then meet in person for coffee or something in a safe place.

 

I am curious if you have little time to date and meet men how are you going to meet a man, get married and have children?

 

Dating doesn't have to eat up a lot of your time but if it is important to you then you do need to chisel out some time to but in consistent effort to get what you want right?

 

I am sure you have seen plenty of profiles of guys where you just thought "oh, no way" bit saw others and thought "he looks interesting" figure out the qualities of those men and that will help you weed out the bad ones from potential partners.

 

Lost

I had precious little free time to date and be out there meeting people so meeting people through on line sites made the process far more efficient. I worked a lot -long, unpredictable hours, and occasionally traveled. And what worked best for me was meeting men who had similar schedules because they understood and they understood how to make the most of our time. They understood that sometimes plans had to be canceled or rescheduled, sometimes seeing each other meant a one hour dinner after which I returned to my office, or spending hours together working from home (where he often would be working too). Right now we are each working from home and have a TV show on so when we take little breaks, we chat about it. We're sitting a few feet apart from each other.

I'll add this caveat. To me, if you want marriage and family and you are very busy - you have to talk early on about how that will work. For some families the answer is a full time nanny or daycare, and for others it's one of the couple being the full time caregiver and going on a professional hiatus (which is what I did but I've seen men do this too). Make sure as you can that you're on the same page on that -it's a big decision for many people and many make assumptions about how that will work.

I find that really busy people are much better at making time for each other -with exceptions! -than people with lots of free time - that conversations are more meaningful because you can't text all day and that you put effort into planning time together. On top of all of that we were long distance on and off for a few years and even conceived our child during that long distance time. So yes it can be done and being busy with something you're passionate about or at least very interested in makes you a more interesting partner IMO.

I recommend using dating service.

Professional matchmakers know what their doing. I think it's the difference between a random hookup and a guy that wants a serious relationship.

I recommend using dating service.

 

Professional matchmakers know what their doing. I think it's the difference between a random hookup and a guy that wants a serious relationship.

Some are awesome. The good ones are very expensive and I was contacted by professional matchmakers posing as single people on dating sites -meaning they were looking on dating sites for matches for their clients. Meaning, you could do the same. The number of people I know who met their spouses/SOs on dating sites met many people looking for serious relationships. So did I.

Thank you for your replies. I like the suggestions of a phone call before meeting. That sounds like a good middle ground between texting and jumping to a meeting.

Regarding the quality of the texts before meeting, some of you recommended not putting so much emphasis on the texting while others said you didn't meet if the texting was lukewarm. I can see the advantages to both. I really value conversation/intellectual compatibility in my relationships (for me, mental attraction leads to physical attraction) so I'm inclined not to meet if messaging is only lukewarm. But on the other hand, the one person I did meet up with after very engaging texts, I ended up not being physically attracted to at all (I still liked his personality though).

So it is frustrating.

I also like to idea of meeting people with extra curricular activities, for lack of a better term. When I do have free time, I like to bike, visit museums/art exhibits, go to flea markets. I've never met anyone while engaging in these activities, even when I'm out alone. I think I'm at least above average in looks and I take care of myself. I've thought about going to the gym just to meet people but that seems a bit eh.

Definitely supplement with extra curricular activities which is how a few of my friends met their spouses in their 30s (ranging from...to doing laundry on Valentine's Day).

That sounds awesome! No luck so far for me.

That sounds awesome! No luck so far for me.

How often do you tell your friends or acquaintances you want to meet single guys who you'd have something in common with? How often do you meet new people -not just men - but men and women? I'd also suggest if it's available volunteering backstage at a community theater -many marriages I've heard of that started that way. Happy to add you on to my PM if you want to chat privately. I've been where you are, believe me!

I contacted several men where we exchanged great e-mails but the phone call was awful, or we had a good phone convo and there was just nothing in person -often the body language/negative energy was the culprit.

It's funny you mentioned meeting men at the gym. I have several friends who are into CrossFit and have found their significant others at their gym. I don't CrossFit but considered it when my female friends described it as a great opportunity to date.

As someone said earlier, it's about consistent effort. In my experience, people doing online dating in 30s are generally busy professionals. So many people in the medical field, lawyers, and teachers. I definitely fall into one of these categories myself. But consistent time and effort will yield better results. Going on one date every 6 months probably won't do it. Definitely be selective but don't get too picky. Have fun. Life is too short.

My question is, how quickly should I weed out people?

Pretty quickly, but only after meeting them. Most people are not our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. Use OLD to screen for basic compatibility and to establish whether your goals for dating match. If you're relationship material rather than seeking casual encounters, establish that in 3 places: your profile, your messages and up front when you meet.

Since I've started seriously looking online about 6 months ago, I've only met up with one person even though I've had a lot of invites. My thinking is that if we don't click while messaging, it would never work out. I don't mean to sound harsh but I don't have a lot of free time so I need to be strategic with who I agree to meet up with.

Naaah, it does no good to skip everyone who doesn't 'wow' you online. It's messaging, and most people aren't great at that. If you hold out for someone who's smooth over text, you'll only narrow your scope to people who are skilled at recycling online shtick. How useful is that?

Use OLD as a speed-meeting tool rather than an indicator of anything important beyond meeting for a quick cup of coffee to check one another out--maybe 15-20 minutes. Rules are that neither can corner the other to ask for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if no, then no response is necessary.

This takes squirmy rejections stuff off the table while allowing you to meet people quickly to learn if there's any chemistry. If not, allow wrong matches to pass early--those will be the majority. Keep on rolling until you hit simpatico with someone to invest in a real date.

Scheduling quick meets on your way home from work is easy and adds only a half hour to your day. If anyone stands you up, you can just take your coffee or tea with you and possibly a take-out meal. Consider reading 'Dating for Dummies' by Dr. Joy Browne to curb your fears and build your confidence as well as skills for meeting people without wasting your time in some fantasy bubble that only works against you--or worse, spending too much time in company you're rather be without.

Head high.

Try and keep an open mind about things when meeting someone new or deciding if you should meet them. Texting is a terrible way to judge things. You are busy so you may not respond as fast as someone that can easily access their phone and respond quickly. There have been a great many threads on here about how slow or fast someone responds to a text but we simply do not know what is happening on the other end to make sound judgments. A phone call is a great way to see how the guy speaks, if he actually listens to you and asks about you or just waits for his turn to talk about himself. It is really easy to intend on only talking for 20 minutes and if things are really going well end up talking for 3 hrs so be careful. You don't want to eat up all your first meet convo material and worst of all form some sort of connection on the phone and then meet and find out you have zero attraction to him physically.

This is definitely a learn as you go kind of thing but from what you described you will have no shortage of men wanting to meet you. Don't be afraid to send a message to a guy you see online either. Secure men have no problem getting messages from women.

Best wishes

Lost

Naaah, it does no good to skip everyone who doesn't 'wow' you online. It's messaging, and most people aren't great at that. If you hold out for someone who's smooth over text, you'll only narrow your scope to people who are skilled at recycling online shtick. How useful is that?

 

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My best experiences were meeting the ones I felt an initial `Meh' with. I would go in with low expectations and come out pleasantly surprised.

And I agree . . The sparkly ones typically have a lot of experience at electronic fishing.

Having said that, my profile is/was somewhat understated. I think there is something to be said about being more attractive in person than trying to out do yourself online.

No better compliment then when someone tells you that you look better in person . .and then acts all flustered because they didn't expect it.

Some are awesome. The good ones are very expensive and I was contacted by professional matchmakers posing as single people on dating sites -meaning they were looking on dating sites for matches for their clients. Meaning, you could do the same. The number of people I know who met their spouses/SOs on dating sites met many people looking for serious relationships. So did I.

Which sites do you find genuine?

Which sites do you find genuine?

I haven't been on one to meet someone in a dozen years but I've heard eharmony is and I would think the pay ones are probably superior. I would stay away from the tinder-type apps I suppose -but I'm just not up enough on what's out there these days.

Also depends on the dating platform you use. Tinder or any dating apps dont have great reputations for dating as they were originally hook up sites. How often have you asked a couple where they met and they replied "Tinder". It can happen but the quality of people on Tinder tend to be a younger crowd.

Batya is on the ball here. See how friendly or conversations are by email. Do they give you information about themselves and importantly do they ask questions about you? Cheeky email with humour are accepted but if it turns to sex too soon then you can figure up pretty quickly what he or she is looking for.

Good luck with internet dating. I ve been on and off it for up to 10 years. Every now and again you do meet someone who you like and they like you back. You just have to keep at it and dont suffer from dating burn out.

Meet up say a week or 2 weeks in real life so youre not wasting time on the wrong person. During this period it best to utilise the time to find out how reliable they are with messaging or phone calls. If they fade or drop off the face of the world then you know where you stand.

Using online dating as a tool to be put in contact with people is the secret. Once you’ve established some common interests and seen a photo, then go for a drink.

The reality is that you’ll never know for sure until you meet and some ppl arent great communicators via text. I used to get told on dates that: ‘you seem so different in person.’

Never rule someone out on anything other than interests and physical appearance prior to meeting them. Personality can be difficult to convey online.