BF gives his son all the power

I've posted previously about my BF being "on call" for his 15 YO son, despite his 50/50 custody agreement.

My BF recently told me that the reason I have not met his son, despite us being together 2.5 yrs is that he asked his son if he wants to meet me & the answer was "No".

I don't blame the boy for not wanting to meet me, given that his mother during the 5 yrs his parents have been divorced has moved him into 3 different households depending upon whom mom was entangled with.

I am honestly flabbergasted that my BF would even ask his son if he wants to meet me. I have 3 children aged 9, 12 & 15 - they met him naturally through the course of life. We hang out, do things together - they all really like him.

It just seems that my BF keeps me standing on his porch, waiting to be let in. We live in a small town & our 15 YO boys know each other. It just seems so odd to me that he keeps me on the porch away from his boy, when we all know each other from the community.

What gives? Am I being unreasonable?

Really! He should give you a key to let yourself in if he's going to keep you waiting for him on his porch. And I can understand his teenage son being moody and not wanting to meet you. I wouldn't be mad about your boyfriend asking his kid if he wants to meet you. It's quite a reasonable thing to do with a teen. But he shouldn't have you waiting on a porch.

This is what his son is or is not comfortable with and shouldn't be forced on him.

At this point, his son is not a baby or a small child. He is a teenager who has a right to decide for himself who he wants to meet. I agree with his father that this is his own decision.

If he is not comfortable with it, you unfortunately, are just going to have to accept it. Maybe in time he will change his mind but for now you need to respect his decision.

You're in an unfortunate situation where your boyfriend's child is going to have a lifetime of resentment for him just because you're the woman his father has chosen to move on with. You're the scapegoat for his parent's divorce, even though you weren't the other woman. He's chosen to direct his anger and grief over the divorce at you, an easy target since you're a stranger. Plus, his mom is not exactly a model parent, so his father is the only stable force in his life.

I agree that you can't force a meeting. It may be a long while before this kid is ready to meet you, let alone accept you. Is that a possibility you can live with?

I would stay away from the house while the boy is there, rather than waiting on the porch. The whole situation sounds awkward for everyone. Meet at your place or a restaurant for now.

You can't force a 15-year-old to meet you .

I don't agree with the 'you can't force a 15 year old to meet you'. I don't blame the kid but I blame the parent for putting the kid and you in that position. Your partner can't have it both ways. He can't have you as whole, and then not introduce you to the most important person of his life. I Iived wirh someone with kids and I know I'll get haters from divorced parents with kids about this, but too many (men and women) who are divorced want the full benefits of a significant others in their lives but only if they are at the bottom of their list. In this situation it seems like you come last., behind the kid (who is underage and should be in therapy for all this) and technically behind the ex wife who has been able to allow three men in her life and have them meet the kid (irresponsible for sure). You have needs too and for me this would be a deal breaker. You can't be hidden for years on end. That's just lunatic.

I am not divorced.

My question is, most couples of your age, assuming you're both at least 35 since you have 15 year olds, would want to combine households after several years of dating. Does this mean you will retain separate abodes for at least 3 years, and maybe much longer, depending on how long he lives with his father?

After this amount of time together, I'd have another discussion with him. I'd say: Children's brains aren't fully formed and don't always know what's best for themselves. What I would say to a son or daughter is this: I'm not going to get to choose your future partner, and you don't get to choose mine. It doesn't matter whether or not you like her or not, but you will be pleasant and respectful while you're around her.

Otherwise, you will not have combined/bonus family get togethers for Thanksgiving/Christmas/birthdays. Kids don't call the shots, and maybe he would end up enjoying a step kind of family. When adults give kids all the power, the kid ends up with mixed up emotions and feels entitled, and that's not the normal state of things and ends up causing psychological problems for him/her.

People don't lead charmed lives. Life is stressful with parents divorcing and starting new families. When you have faith a child can handle these changes, he will believe he/she can. Just as long as you treat his son in a normal friendly manner and not try to take on the role of stepmother, the situation won't be harmful to him, and he'll survive just fine.

If nothing changes, think about if you want to lead really independent lives into the far future, and maybe forever, without proper blending. You might decide to move on if you're more upset than happy in this situation.

BF did not handle this well. His question meant to reflect respect, but in a way it insulted the son's intelligence. "We know you're dating, Dad. I know her son. Its no big secret. Do I want to meet her? Like all formal 'Son, meet Ms Mary Jo Peterson, Randalls mother.'? No, that's awkward."

There's meeting you,and there's meeting you. Dad made it a big deal. Now, leaving you on the steps in wrong. "MJ may be here for a bit before we go to the museum. Would you please let her in if i don't hear the bell?"

Son has pain that isnt being dealt with.

Dad has an opportunity to show him how life goes on, in little increments. Dad has an opportunity to show how we choose to be happy.

Dad - Your bf - is not confident in his ability to accept and properly frame other people's actions as their own. As a result, he is leaving the son alone and stuck in his victimhood.

dad didn't write, you did. you can't change other people. decide what works for you. me? i wouldn't stand outside. I would ask him to pick me up or meet out. I would see that he will need another several years if ever he is to blend families. And I doubt I would blend.

This has been going on for some time and this isn't your first post on this topic. We can speculate why dad does what he does all day long, but the bottom line is that dad, your bf, isn't willing to do anything different. It's also possible that this is what is best for his son. Nobody here is in the father's shoes and able to judge. Even if how he is handling things isn't quite right, as a parent, he is doing what he believes is right and best for his child and that's that. You can't really judge by your own children and family to be honest as various personalities react differently to these things.

You really only have two options here, in that you can stick around for 2-3 more years until son is off to college and see if things change for you two or you can walk away for good. Right now, he is not able to provide you with the kind of relationship that you want. Honestly even within the next year dynamics are liable to change as the son will get his driving license and perhaps a car and freedom to go about as he pleases. It's pretty much inevitable that the son will start spreading his wings and will not be looking to spend that much time with his parents the older he gets. Girls, friends, ability to drive, etc. It's usually the kids that cut the apron strings not the parents.

Ultimately, only you can decide if you can make this work for you, wait longer, or walk away. Demanding to meet his son or criticizing how he parents won't get you anywhere though.

Both OP and BF would benefit from some reading/coursework/psychology training to learn more about emotional dynamics, resilience, and how to arrive and live ones values.

OP, I mean that in a constructive way -- i think it would help a lot. I have used this site, reading material, psychiatrists, and being the subject of a 4 month trial about brain function and all have more instructive than I expected. Would that we were taught relationship skills in high school! The skills are useful everywhere - work, romance, home, friends, self. Might be good for you, generally.

This has been going on for some time and this isn't your first post on this topic. We can speculate why dad does what he does all day long, but the bottom line is that dad, your bf, isn't willing to do anything different. It's also possible that this is what is best for his son. Nobody here is in the father's shoes and able to judge. Even if how he is handling things isn't quite right, as a parent, he is doing what he believes is right and best for his child and that's that. You can't really judge by your own children and family to be honest as various personalities react differently to these things.

 

You really only have two options here, in that you can stick around for 2-3 more years until son is off to college and see if things change for you two or you can walk away for good. Right now, he is not able to provide you with the kind of relationship that you want. Honestly even within the next year dynamics are liable to change as the son will get his driving license and perhaps a car and freedom to go about as he pleases. It's pretty much inevitable that the son will start spreading his wings and will not be looking to spend that much time with his parents the older he gets. Girls, friends, ability to drive, etc. It's usually the kids that cut the apron strings not the parents.

 

Ultimately, only you can decide if you can make this work for you, wait longer, or walk away. Demanding to meet his son or criticizing how he parents won't get you anywhere though.

Exactly, my son is 19 and hanging with parents is " gross". He says , " Have your life." He is disabled but has reached the teen " get away from parents " phase even if he is a month from being 20.

Forcing older teens to like and interact with mom and dad's bfs and gfs is an exercise in futility. Especially since he has already been burned a few times by his mom . The father is protecting him from further heartbreak .

My brother is divorced and he NEVER wants his daughters to meet his gfs. He doesn't want people revolving in and out of their lives like their mom does.

I would not blame the kid in this situation. Your guy could have explained how happy you make him, and that you are not a replacement for his mom, but an important part of his life, and that he would love to introduce you two, may be at bowling or a baseball game, or whatever he likes to do. This could also be a stall tactic because you don't really know what the kid said. Cuz, if you two did meet, then it's for keeps.

But if the boy did say he didn't want to meet you, it could just be he feels his mom is not in a good place, and it's not fair to his mom with forming a relationship with you.

So, don't take it personally; the kid may just not be ready, or your guy may just not be ready.

If son lives with mom -- there are some subjects a boy rather talk to his dad than mom about. So i see no problem with dad "being on call" and interacting with the son when the son is not in his physical presence. No one would have a problem if a teenager lived half the time with dad but wanted to talk to mom about some things when she wasn't at mom's. You don't stop interacting when the kid is shuttled off to the other parents' house.

If your sons know eachother, inevitably he knows who you are. He has seen you at school events, etc. I think its fine that you are not "a blended family". When and if you guys get serious - having serious talks about engagement being imminent - then that's the time where everyone is included.

I think it could be since the son feels out of control being pushed back and forth from mom's house and dad's house - maybe he doesn't want to meet you because he wants to control at least part of his world.

This isn't just some flash-in-the-pan relationship. You've been together for 2 1/2 years.

I can understand parents not wanting new partners to meet their kids, but this is different. You're not just some girl he's banging.

His son was 12/13 when you met, so he was a child. He is still a young person, and the most important person in your BF's life. You should be introduced, and he should enforce it.

I would walk if I were you. Your BF will never want to fully integrate you, and you will forever be on eggshells because in 20 years, when his "child" is 35, the son will still be calling all the shots.

Sorry if that offends. By the way, I've been married to someone with a child, and my current BF of 1 1/2 years has 2 kids. So I'm fully aware of the dynamics.

I'm not a fan of snowflakes, sorry.

I have never been a step parent , but my mom has, twice. The second time to children that were older teens , early adults. 14,18,23. What she found was you can't force yourself down their throats . You have to let them come to you . Now 25 years later she has a great relationship with two of them . The eldest just kind of went to separate ways from the entire family including his father. My mom is a valuable resource to them as a mother figure and as a grandmother for all their children and now grandkids. ( my mom's great grandchild) But she never forced herself on them . It took about 15 years for them to see the light but they eventually did .

Since no one has mentioned this: I think OPs "porch" thing was a figure of speech..like she's figuratively on the outside of the family unit, despite the 2.5 year relationship.

The BF/Dad didn't write. The GF did. She wants in before Dad is ready. It isn't her choice. It doesn't matter whether BF is using sound judgment. It is his privilege and responsibility to control access to his family and the timing is 100% his choice.

OP, IF you want to be a constructive partner, be patient, be understanding, without doing harm to yourself. If you are clear on his commitment and intentions, then trust that and be a supportive partner. Follow his lead and don't ask for more.

If it isn't comfortable for you, add more friends into your own life, place a higher value on your own goals. He is moving a pace that is slower than you prefer. Accept that.

I think in this case you should ask lawyer.

I think in this case you should ask lawyer.

um...on what grounds? A lawyer is not going to force a teenager to spend time with dad's girlfriend. Its a waste of a lawyer's time