Think I finally reached my breaking point...

So, I have posted a couple threads lately about this upcoming plan to meet up with my ex. Quick backstory... we were together 4 years. I bought a house. He told me when was moving into the house that he wanted some time apart so we could work on ourselves and grow, etc. We both have mental problems, mainly with anxiety and depression.

The break up was a little over two months ago. Since then we have talked off an on. I did 28 days on NC, which I broke to talk to him about these plans we made. I am working at a festival near where he lives this weekend, and we made plans a while back to meet and have dinner. The plans were made post break up, not while we were still together.

So, last night we talked on the phone for 45 minutes. We decided not to meet this weekend. Neither of us think we are ready. And since he is apartment hunting and exhausted from working a lot of hours at work, he said he has been spread pretty thin. Ok, I can deal with that.

Since the break up he has told me he hopes we get back together several times. And last night when we were on the phone I asked him how serious he is about that. Like, does he really hope we get back together or is he just saying that to make me feel better. He told me he genuinely does want to be with me again when the time is right. I agreed with him and told him if we got back together now we would just fall into the same patterns we were in before, and break up again. I asked him if he still loves me. He told me yes, he does. The conversation got emotional...

Then there was some light hearted banter back and forth about games, his new phone, my new laptop, etc.

Then when we were getting off the phone I said, "Good night, I love you." (Now it's important to point out that even since we broke up we have said I love you to each other getting off the phone pretty much every time.) So I said Good night, I love you. And he just said, "Bye."

Then there was like 5 seconds of silence. I held off thinking he might say it too. And then I just said, "Ok goodnight."

He said, "What?"

And I repeated myself, and he asked why I said ok goodnight again. And i told him, "Because I said I love you and you didn't say it back, it was just awkward."

He said, "Bye." And hung up the phone.

Ok... maybe I am over reacting... but we just had this emotional conversation where we talked about getting back together and stuff, and he told me he still loves me. Then he pulls that crap?

He used to do this to me when we were still dating too, so it should be any big shock I guess. When we were still together maybe 50% of the time I said I love you to him, he didn't say it back. Sometimes he would say nothing. Or sometimes he would just be like, "Mmm." in response. One year I gave him his birthday present, which he loved, and then told him I was taking him to this restaurant he wanted to go to for months. When he was all happy and excited we hugged and kissed. And I told him "Happy birthday honey, I love you." His response, "Mmm."

But last night he knew what he was doing. It wasn't a misunderstanding. He intentionally chose to not say it after telling me he still loved me 15 minutes earlier. Idk... maybe he just thought I didn't need to hear it again. Maybe he was intentionally being mean. Either way... I don't think I can take much more of this. I am starting to doubt whether I even want him back in my life based on this one incident alone. How much of an emotional pummeling do I need to take? Do I really need to be with someone who deliberately screws with my head? Of course not. All I've ever known is abuse... why subject myself to more?

I have no idea how to proceed from here. Part of me thinks I should just never talk to him again. I still feel like I have so many things to say to him though, which was partly why we were getting together this weekend in the first place. When we broke up he got to say what he wanted, and I listened. I couldn't really speak up because I was in shock. Now that I have had time to process things, I feel like there are things I have to say to him to really be able to heal. I told him that last night... and he seemed to get where I was coing from. He told me we could meet up after he moves. Now I don't even know if I want to see him.

I don't know... am I over reacting or reading too much into what he did? It seems malicious to me. He knew what he was doing. It wasn't a misunderstanding.

I know I will probably get a lot of I told you so type replies. I know people will probably say I deserve it for being stupid enough to talk to him. But please be civil. I am not in the mood to be chewed out today. Thanks in advance for all comments...

I guess sometimes we just need to keep running into that same wall until which time it hurts enough and while you are wiping the blood off of your forehead you finally say, `enough'

I never understood the notion of taking a break and getting back together at some other undetermined time.

It's interesting how it typically benefits one person and utterly frustrates and hurts the other.

This is yet another case of moving on and letting go. Totally letting go of the outcome.

If it returns, then you renegotiate it at that time. But until then you do not wait, you practice detaching and get on with your life.

It sounds like he feels awkward saying it now and doesn't want to encourage hurt feelings or make insincere statements.

So I said Good night, I love you. And he just said, "Bye." Then there was like 5 seconds of silence. I held off thinking he might say it too. And then I just said, "Ok goodnight." He said, "What?" And I repeated myself, and he asked why I said ok goodnight again. And i told him, "Because I said I love you and you didn't say it back, it was just awkward." He said, "Bye." And hung up the phone.

(((hugs))) I would never chew you out...cuz I do the same damn thing!

Last Thurs. when I was talking to the ex. and he was telling me he WASN'T going to stop seeing the new woman, etc. etc. I eventually said, Ok. Goodbye. I love you. He said. Goodbye.

Typical.

He hardly EVER said he loved me. He told me he always thought I was manipulating him into telling me that...EXPECTING him to say it back, cuz I said it first.

welllll....waaagh. Yes. He didn't tell you on purpose. He probably thought he told you earlier, and that should suffice.

Either way. It doesn't matter. All that matters is.....he didn't care about YOUR feelings. He didn't WANT to tell you he loves you.

Everything about him is....maybe someday.

Maybe, maybe, hopefully, maybe. He's a fence sitter. And always will be. He's NOT 21.

Cynders...tell everyone how old this fence sitter is?

This is not on you. You are only doing what you're doing because you still are in the 'denial' stage.

We all have to move on at some point. I hope you get there soon.

I got there Monday, after he had sex with me on Wed. Told me he was still gonna see her on Thurs. And she was there the WHOLE weekend.

I don't need it spelled out any clearer. But yet....I was still hoping.

False hope is a KILLER. Trust me. Keeps you hanging on....way longer than you should.

You're not being chewed out. It just sucks.

Love, real love, isn't this hard. All relationships have challenges but when the feelings are legitimate, the script doesn't play out like this.

You'll do whatever it is you want to do. Know that at the end of the day you'll arrive at acceptance and begin to heal.

(((hugs))) I would never chew you out...cuz I do the same damn thing!

 

Last Thurs. when I was talking to the ex. and he was telling me he WASN'T going to stop seeing the new woman, etc. etc. I eventually said, Ok. Goodbye. I love you. He said. Goodbye.

 

Typical.

 

He hardly EVER said he loved me. He told me he always thought I was manipulating him into telling me that...EXPECTING him to say it back, cuz I said it first.

 

welllll....waaagh. Yes. He didn't tell you on purpose. He probably thought he told you earlier, and that should suffice.

 

Either way. It doesn't matter. All that matters is.....he didn't care about YOUR feelings. He didn't WANT to tell you he loves you.

 

Everything about him is....maybe someday.

 

Maybe, maybe, hopefully, maybe. He's a fence sitter. And always will be. He's NOT 21.

 

Cynders...tell everyone how old this fence sitter is?

 

This is not on you. You are only doing what you're doing because you still are in the 'denial' stage.

 

We all have to move on at some point. I hope you get there soon.

 

I got there Monday, after he had sex with me on Wed. Told me he was still gonna see her on Thurs. And she was there the WHOLE weekend.

 

I don't need it spelled out any clearer. But yet....I was still hoping.

 

False hope is a KILLER. Trust me. Keeps you hanging on....way longer than you should.

 

You're not being chewed out. It just sucks.

I had this pic of us hanging on my fridge... it was a picture from some party we were at in 2015. We both looked so happy. I hung it up because it gave me hope that we would be that happy again in the future.

This morning I took it down and put it away. I also carried this ring of his that he left at my house (lol... he left all his stuff at my house...) in my bra (tucked right over my heart) every day since we broke up. Today I stopped carrying it. I think of these things as letting go in small ways. I thought he was different, but it turns out he's just another ass like the rest of them. I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth trying any more.

It sounds like he feels awkward saying it now and doesn't want to encourage hurt feelings or make insincere statements.

That would make perfect sense if he wouldn't have said it earlier in the phone call. If it was insincere he didn't mind saying it the first time. So all I can think is that he's messing with me on purpose. FOr what reason I have no clue.

Sweetheart...I know. The guy who brought me here....the ex-fiancé? I carried a dang cross in my bra....had a pic by my bed...and the date we were suppose to be married...and I prayed and cried every night.

The day that I was suppose to have gotten married...I started my journal on ENA.

And put things away. It's a very slow process. More slow for some...than for others.

It seems the people with a healthy dose of self-esteem, move on quicker.

Guess that's quite telling on where I am! lol

Don't let him define you.

And you're right...it's NOT worth trying anymore. Let it go.

If in a years time...or more...and he HAS really changed, and you feel the same about him...then you can talk.

But he hasn't really changed....and you feel like you can hardly live with out him.

I know that feeling. But change is what is happening. You can't stop it. You can only go forward...and try not to slip back into the abyss. ((hugs))

Look, I don't say I Love You. I just don't. But, I show people I love them on a daily basis. What this jerk did was just mean and manipulative. Wave this one bye-bye and demand to be respected in your next relationship. We teach people how to treat us, we really do.

I think to be honest, having read all your threads since the break up, that you are moving on, your heart already knows what your head is still denying, you're doing all these things which show you are.

By the time he is ready again you will not be.

You're getting over him.

And i think you should as well but that's another story.....

"But last night he knew what he was doing. It wasn't a misunderstanding. He intentionally chose to not say it after telling me he still loved me 15 minutes earlier. Idk"

- Maybe YOU have too much as in expectations from him right now?

Remember.. he is your 'ex'. What all do you expect from him?

I'm sure there are MANY thoughts & emotions running rampid between you two right now.

>> "I have no idea how to proceed from here. Part of me thinks I should just never talk to him again. I still feel like I have so many things to say to him though, which was partly why we were getting together this weekend in the first place"

I suggest you both STOP contact & expectations from each other for a while. it's too emotionally draining.. is it not??

Maybe give it another few weeks and work more on your thoughts.. try to see f you can see things straight. Or in a better sense.. BEFORE you do actually agree to meet up again. ( If you do).

Sometimes, after a good while, we DO come to see WHY things ended and then, over more time we work on accepting it and dealing with it all.

Time.. give it time?

I would stop all contact and see if he reaches out to you.

I know you said he doesn't do that. Even for others. Yet he managed to make contact with others when he wanted to meet up for board games.

So, if it (and you) matter to him he'll reach out.

If he doesn't? Then you know where you stand.

Although I do not agree with the premise of sitting around waiting for someone else to decide MY future for me...you may need to do this so you can finally let go of the fantasy. Because, remember, he wasn't all that great of a partner to you for many reasons. But if you need one final push to let go, waiting to see if he contacts you might be what you need to do.

I would consider relaxing into the idea that holding a white knuckled grip on your thoughts and feelings about this guy and any goals you have for the two of you might have seemed like an energetic vigil to 'help' an outcome along, but it's unnecessary.

In fact, his resistance is evident.

So you don't need to make any heavy decisions here, because what, exactly, is there to 'let go' of? You don't need to decide whether your hopes and expectations are valid or not in order to set them on a back burner to revisit later if the guy ever gives you any self motivated indication that they are useful to examine again.

A hard mind-grip only serves to keep you exhausted, frustrated and struggling against a false barrier to relaxing and moving yourself forward. It's like holding up a ceiling that has never threatened to give way. Trust in all evidence that says you can relax. Inch your way over to the exit of the pressure chamber, let go of your grip and step out of the way. Then watch what happens in the silence as nothing falls.

You may feel a mix of emotions as you sigh in relief yet wonder why you spent so much time and effort exhausting yourself. From there, you're free to do whatever you want to do, and if anything changes that requires your attention, the guy will have no trouble letting you know.

Head high, Cynder--and peace.