spirited

i'm applying to medical school, i just got waitlisted to what i had considered my "safety school." my family has ties to this school, and i have a good gpa, mcat score, and background. so what happened? i'm pretty sure it was the interview. for one thing, i'm a very shy person and so i'm already at a disadvantage. but i thing i blew the interview when i couldn't really answer this question: "why do u want to go to this school?" i had come up with an answer the night before. but being asked it, i couldn't come up with my answer. maybe it was b/c i was so tired since i couldn't sleep well the night before. or maybe it was b/c i had practiced answers for other questions that i just forgot this one. but if i really wanted to go to that school, then shouldn't i have come up with an answer? in my heart, i know i don't want to go to that school. it's just too close to home. and i just need to get away. i don't know what i want to do. there was a time over the summer when i was so sure i wanted to be a doctor, but now i'm not so sure. it seems that my parents want me to go to med school more than i want to. they keep pressuring me, and the more they do, the more i don't want to. they make me forget if this is what i really want to do. i wish i could just tell them to back off and let me figure things out for myself. but i've never been able to stand up to my parents before. i've always tried to make my parents proud. i've always done things for them. i'm in a major that i don't like because of them. i'm close to home because of them. and they're not bad parents. we're actually very close. they just have high expectations. (typical asian family) my biggest fear is disappointing them. i have a self-esteem problem, and i'm always afraid of not being good enough for them. i have to tell my parents that i got waitlisted, and i don't know how to tell them. i want to tell them that i'm ok with it, but i know they won't be. i'm so scared. i don't know what to do.

i'm shy. and when i like a guy, i have the tendency to avoid him. i can't put my guard down with him because i'm afraid of what he'll think of me. when i am with him, i'll always try to do or say something that makes me look good. it's odd how i want to both get his attention and not. i also have a tendency to smile more when i'm with the guy. when i'm with a guy who's a friend, but someone i don't like in that way, i feel more comfortable. it's easier for me to be myself. i'd probably act about the same way i would if the person was a girl. hope that helps.

I'm a very shy person. And I've always had trouble reaching out to people. I usually don't ask for help when I need it. I guess it's due to low self-esteem and feeling that I would just waste people's time. There are a few people who I've opened up to. But things have changed, and I'm not as close to those people as I used to be. In fact, I don't really trust them anymore because of what's happened. And this has just made it even harder to open up now. There's this guy I really admire. Sometimes, I'm confused about how I feel about him. I like him because he has these qualities that I wish I had. I wish I was more like him, and so sometimes I think I might mistake my admiring him for something more. I've admired him for a long while now, but I didn't feel this way about him until recently. A few weeks ago, we had lunch together. I recently took over a position he used to have, and he asked me to lunch so we could talk about anything I might have questions on. I was talking about some of my concerns, and then eventually, I talked to him about something that I had been keeping to myself. He was very understanding. A few days after lunch, I emailed him about some business, and he responded to that, but in his email, he also thanked me for sharing things with him and said he would always be there to help me, whether it would be for work or for advice and support. Ever since then, I've been thinking about him constantly. And yes, I wish we were more than friends, but if anything, I just want him to be my friend. We're friends now, but if anything, we're more like acquaintances, and what I really want is for him to be someone I can talk to. We had lunch together 3 weeks ago, and ever since then, things have just been like they have always been. My common sense tells me that he just offered to give me advice and support because he's just a really great guy who's just being nice. I'm sure he would help me if I asked him, but I don't want to reach out to him because I don't want to waste his time. So what should I do? I really wish I could talk to him about things because I trust his opinion. But I know I'll probably become dependent on him, or I will just like him more than I should. I really like him a lot now, and I doubt he could feel the same way about me (I don't see myself as the kind of girl he goes out with – he likes the cute, outgoing, confident girls, and I'm not really like that). I want to be his friend, but I'm afraid being friends would just make me feel bad since I also want to be more than friends.

i wasn't sure what forum to post this in, but it's "work" related, so i thought maybe this was the closest one... i am currently the president of a cultural club at my college. i am concerned about 2 members on my 5 person exec board. one person doesn't seem as committed to the group, and i can't help but feel like he's on the exec only b/c he wants a position and can put it on a resume. the other person seems as if she wants to be a part of it, but she just can't commit as much time to the group because she is involved in so many other activities. also, there are some non-exec members who are very committed to my group and have put more time and effort into the club than the 2 exec members. my other exec members have noticed it too, and we've talked about it. we thought maybe i should talk to each person individually, but then later we decided to wait it out for a bit since it's only been a few weeks. the other concern i have is that i'm actually on another exec board for a another club (a pre-professional one) with the guy who doesn't seem committed. he's president and i'm publicity. i'm afraid that if i mention to him that i think he's not putting enough effort in the group, he might say the same thing to me because the truth is i do only what i have to do as publicity chair. however, the difference between the situations is that the club i'm president of does more and has more members who are actively involved. the club i'm publicity chair for is less active, and the truth is, the only reason why i ran was b/c nobody else did. i do my job so at least there's somebody who will do it. i'm afraid that i'm being hypocritical, but i feel that if he tells me that i'm not putting enough effort as publicity chair, i would give up my position. in all honesty, i wish he would give up his position so that a more dedicated person could take over. what do u think? should i talk to these people now, or should i give it more time since it's only been 2 weeks?

Thanks to those who replied. it helps knowing what others think. To answer the question about what happened, here's a long post… Things had been building up. I am willing to admit it is partly my fault. We don't communicate well. I have a tendency to keep everything to myself. There are occasions when I do try to explain how I feel. Certain things had been bothering me at the end of spring. When I tried to explain to him what I was feeling, he didn't understand. He always has to have an answer for everything. He can never be wrong. When I talk to him, it's so hard for me to get a word in. And I got tired. I didn't want to explain myself when it seemed like he would listen. So I tried to forget. I was/am going through a kind of depression. Before I was ever willing to admit it, he knew there was something wrong, and he always took it upon himself to try and cheer me up. He told me he had understood me better than anyone understood me. He made me happy. But he has a tendency to walk over people and he can be so condescending. He can make me feel bad about myself, and maybe he doesn't do it on purpose sometimes, but I'm never going to get through my depression if he brings me down. Some of my friends thought that maybe I liked him which is why I did so much for him and also let him do those things to me. But I never liked him like that. What I wanted was a close friend (I think one of the reasons I was depressed was b/c as a child, I never had a real close friendship, but I always saw friends who had one). I was able to put up with everything he did because he was my emotional support. He's not that anymore. He stopped being that in spring. He purposely distanced himself for reasons I understand but do not think are good reasons. (this is a long story. But even though I can see his point of view, I stand firmly behind my side of the story.) So at times when I really needed him, he wasn't there. And it hurts b/c I have abandonment issues. But this was what I was trying to forget. Considering how close we used to be and all the times we've spent together, I still wanted to be his friend. Things were fine for about another month or so. And for a while, I was happy. I thought I was getting through my depression. And I did it without him. I did it on my own. I started feeling good about myself. At the same time, I started to not like him as much. Since we weren't close anymore, we just spent time in groups, and I've realized that a group of people brings out a side of him that I don't like. He can be rude and mean and loud. I always tolerated it before because whenever it was just the 2 of us, he was different (not as rude or mean). And I think this, plus the fact that all my problems with him (not being able to communicate, him not being there when I needed him) made me resent him. So I realized that I need to talk to him about everything again. And this was the fight. I don't think I ever got to what I really wanted to say to him because he was quick to react and he doesn't listen well. Maybe I hurt his feelings because I told him that I had been questioning our friendship. But when I tried to explain why I felt that way, he went off. At the point when he started to put me down, I realized that I can't be friends with someone who makes me feel like this, someone who makes me cry. So I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore. He made me say it. I heard from a friend that he's tired of talking. He thinks every time we talk, he does something to make me upset. What he doesn't realize is that when we talk, he talks and I don't b/c he won't let me. I know that if I just try to forget what happened, it's going to happen again. I just don't know how we can work something like this out.

A once very good friend and I are not friends anymore. It's a long story, and I've posted about it before, but it's still bothering me. And the thing is, I know I've never been in a relationship before, but this feels to me what I think a break up feels like. And I don't really know how to deal with everything. We became good friends a little bit over a year ago. We were never more than friends. We could never be more than friends because he was gay. But there was so much to our friendship. And in the end, as much as I wish we could go back to how things used to be, I've realized that it's not good for me. I became too dependent on him. I never needed a boyfriend because I had him. I'm dealing with self-esteem issues, and I'm not ready for a relationship. But I didn't have to worry about being lonely because I had my friend. And I was safe with my friend. But I have a tendency to cling. And in a way, he also clung to me. I stopped spending time with my other friends because I always wanted to spend time with him. In the end of spring and summer, things happened. Everything was building up. We have very different personalities. People never understood how we could be so close. We always thought we just had this understanding about each other that no one could ever see. But we were wrong. We had a fight, and we lost all understanding. My friend said it was inevitable. Our other friends try to understand what happened between us, but they don't. They don't see why we just can't go back to the way things were. My friend is tired of talking about everything, and he's willing to just pretend nothing ever happened. But I can't just forget because I know everything is going to happen again. I need to work things out and he doesn't want to. We fought over a month ago, and we're still not really talking to each other. Classes started again recently, and it's weird seeing him in class and not sitting next to him. I miss him. I want things to go back to the way they were before. But then I remember that right now, he's not good for me. He made me cry too many times. And then I think about all the time we spent together and thinking that I wasted my time with him. I drifted away from my other friends because of him. Now I really don't know where I fit in. I'm drifting away from our mutual friends because they spend more time with him now than with me. They don't ask me to go out with them when he's there because they know I feel uncomfortable seeing him. I think they feel like I should just try and forget and be friends again. I just can't do that. This "break-up" is really hurting me. I'm dealing with these issues by myself because my friends think I'm making a big deal out of it. It's also hard when I'm the kind of person that doesn't reach out to people. The person who I used to reach out to was my former friend. I don't have that anymore. To make matters worse, it's gotten harder for me to trust people now because of what happened. I'm starting to get depressed, and I don't know what to do.

there may have been people who have "used" u in the past, but there are some people out there who would never do that. i think u should go talk to someone about what you're feeling. perhaps someone u trust or a professional. they could help you. i've learned that there are people here on eNotAlone who care, and whenever you need help, they'll be there to help you. you're not alone. if u need to talk more, don't hesitate to send me a private message. take care.

I'm 21, but I don't feel like it. I've never had a boyfriend before. I feel like I'm just a little girl. For the past couple of years, I've suffered from low self-esteem and have been depressed. I didn't really love myself that much, and I thought that if I don't love myself, then no one would love me. But then I also thought that I could never love myself until someone loved me. If someone loved me, then I'd see I was someone worth loving. So I spent the past years sort of trapped in this kind of depression. Since I didn't love myself and I didn't think anyone could love me, I never put myself out there. I was afraid of rejection, and so I was terribly shy. I know deep down that the reason I never had a boyfriend was because I never let myself have one. I feel like I'm starting to come to terms with everything. I'm starting to like who I am, but I feel like I've lost these past couple of years. I'm not experienced with anything, and it's my fault. This lack of experience is still hindering me from wanting to experience anything. I'm still afraid of putting myself out there because there's still that part of me that thinks no one could love me since no one has loved me before. I go to clubs, and I've met guys there. But I know that nothing's going to come out of it. I won't let it. I'm afraid that if I let someone in, they're just going to see this insecure, inexperienced little girl. I guess I feel ashamed, and I don't think anyone could love me. I can still get these bouts of depression once in a while, whenever something reminds me of my past. I've realized that when I get depressed, I can be difficult (recent problems with good friends not understanding me and my situation made me come to this conclusion) and I think it's going to be hard to love an insecure person like me. I just don't feel like I'm ready to have a boyfriend because I'm like this. Maybe I'm just afraid because I've been hurt before and because I really don't know what to expect. Maybe I'm afraid that no one could love me. But I'm afraid that the longer I wait to "be ready", the harder it'll be for me to get over my insecurities. I don't really know what my question is. I just wanted to talk about this and see if anyone has anything to say that might help me deal with my issues. edit: ok, i've thought of a question. am i thinking too much about this? i know i have a tendency to think too much and sometimes i just make things more complicated. right now i feel like i'm not ready for a relationship, but are u ever really ready or does it just happen?

i think i know how you feel. i've gone through similar experiences with some of my close friends. sometimes it's just natural for friends to grow apart as they grow up. what i've wanted in a best friend has changed over the years, and when my best friend wasn't exactly what i wanted, i started to question our friendship and distance myself from her. i, too, would always want to talk to her about things that were bothering me, and i didn't like how she never responded the way i needed her to. what i've realized is that i can't expect her to have the answers i was looking for. when she says she doesn't know, i've come to understand that she really doesn't know. i don't go to her when i have problems anymore; i have other friends i can turn to. but our friendship is stronger now because i appreciate her for what she is and what i get from our friendship. so maybe you can just let things be since u still want to be friends with her. maybe someday u'll come to appreciate all the good things that come out of your friendship, and then all the things that have been getting on your nerves won't bother u as much. but if everything is bothering u and u can't stand it anymore, then i think u should just be honest with her. tell her that you've just grown apart and don't see her as your best friend anymore. i hope i was able to help. good luck.

i don't know if there are any official rules about that, but i think i understand where your friend might be coming from. what i like most about this forum is that i can talk about these things to people that don't know me because there are some things that you can only tell a stranger. if i wanted to talk to my friends about things i talk about here, then i would never have found this place... i think since your friend asked u not to read her posts, then u should do what she asks. if u don't want her to read your posts, then u should ask her not to read them.

a couple of my friends and i like spiky hair. we prefer short over long. i have a friend who cannot stand long hair on a guy, but i think it really depends on if a guy can pull it off. then again, everyone has their own preferences.

sorry if this gets long. i don't really need a response. i just need to talk about this... i was depressed before, and my closest friends knew. they took it upon themselves to try and make me forget. so i had fun with them, but i could never talk to them about anything. they never really tried to figure out what was wrong with me; they just wanted me to not think about it. i know they had good intentions, but it wasn't what i needed. i needed to deal with my issues, and because i'm not one to ask for help (which has always been a problem of mine) and since they never offered to help, i had to go through everything alone. in their defense, i could say that maybe they expected me to come to them, but my entire life, i haven't been able to reach out. this summer i feel like i'm finally dealing with everything. i'm starting to like who i am. at the same time, i find that i'm distancing myself from my friends. i guess it's because i don't like the way they see me. i could tell them that i'm better, but it doesn't seem to mean anything. for example, for a while i had been happy, but then something happened to a family member which made me very sad and almost got me depressed again. since i have trouble talking about what's bothering me and since what happened was in my family, i never told my friends what happened. but anyone who saw or talked to me, or read my xanga, could tell that i was sad. what bothers me is that my friends never asked me what's wrong. i guess they just assumed that i was depressed again. maybe it's my fault that i never told anyone anything. it was just hard on me having to deal with stuff alone... again. i recently got into a fight with a close friend, something that my friend said was "inevitable." right now i can't say that i'm friends with that friend anymore. my other friends don't want to talk to me about it b/c they don't want to get in the middle since we were all good friends. i understand that, but maybe they should at least be there to hear me out. give me someone i could talk to. but i couldn't talk to them. and i know for a fact that they talked about it with my "ex-friend." (school hasn't started yet, so i'm still at home and an hr away from campus. most of them were near campus for some reason this summer. so they see a lot more of each other, and someone who was with them once told me that they talk about me) i know that they think everything happened because of me, because i am the way i am. they don't like how i'm so willing to give up on a friendship, but they don't know how this friend had hurt me. i so want to tell them what happened, but they don't want to hear it. but they'll always hear what my "ex-friend" has to say because they think the same way. i've come to the conclusion that my friends don't really understand me. sometimes i try to accept that and just try not to think about what's happened. my friends act like everything's ok. but i'm starting to resent my friends. i resent them not because they don't understand, but because they don't try to. i resent them because i've always had to be alone during the times when i probably needed them the most. i don't want to resent them though. so i make excuses for them. i think of ways that maybe it's just my fault. i know i'm complicated, and it's hard to understand me. i know i'm depressed, and maybe it's hard being around such "a downer." maybe if i was a bit more open about everything, then things wouldn't have to be this way. maybe i'm just expecting too much... i guess i'm debating whether or not i should tell my friends what i'm feeling. should i just keep going on like everything's ok and hope things will just get better in time (maybe once i'm completely better or they see that i'm better)? or should i try to explain to them my side of things. i'm afraid that if i do tell them, i'm going to lose them and will be all alone. then again, it's not like i'm not alone now...

this is what i think... if you see her at the club, you don't have to go up to her. if she comes up to you, don't ignore her completely. just say hello or whatever. you don't want to be rude; it might cause more problems. and if she tries too much to be your friend or talks to you as if nothing has happened, then just be honest with her - tell her that you don't really see her as a friend since you were never friends to begin with.

Hey. I really hope you're not talking about suicide. Please stop and consider that your life is precious. It's worth living. You have so much ahead of you. So many good things can happen if you let them. Go to someone who can help you. Don't let your problems and any negative feelings win by giving up.

I think the whole loving yourself thing is just one of the qualities that people find attractive. Perhaps they can tell when someone is just putting on a facade. Being genuine and sincere is also very important I think. I also believe that you can't really love someone unless you love yourself. So maybe you should try loving yourself for real instead of pretending...