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moonbeam111

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  1. moonbeam111
    Hello and sorry you are going through this when the kids are involved. You may want to visit this site link removed Their forum is great and they have good tools you can use to improve your marriage and even make it great. I saw people recovering their marriage on a brink of actual divorce when a detached spouse suddenly woke up. How about this: DOs 1. Act Happy 2. Get a life (new activities, etc.) 3. repeat over and over..."I will make it" 4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the detached spouse current comfort zone 5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point) 6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum) 7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc) 8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong 9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow) DON'Ts 1. Repeatedly say "I love you" 2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet 3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag 4. Say, "I've changed"....allow your spouse to simply judge your actions 5. Argue, Reason or Plead 6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery 7. Act helpless or depressed. 8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble 9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the detached spouse' idea) 10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship" 11. GIVE UP Good luck!
  2. moonbeam111
    I would give the card to charity and mail him a receipt. And wouldn't add a word.
  3. moonbeam111
    This is tough but you made the right decision. Stay strong and avoid his manipulations. Have a wonderful time and happy holidays!
  4. moonbeam111
    Kelly is with her husband. Your ex is alone. Continue being professional and fake being tough and happy on your own. Do it for yourself, your self-esteem, and your work! Remember, your work is very important. You also may want to establish official NC with him because you would try to read more into every text message, every phone call he makes out of boredom or guilt or curiosity. You need to protect yourself now from being hurt from more broken hopes. I am sorry you are hurting... try to survive holidays, I know it is very tough...
  5. moonbeam111
    Frisco, I think that there is a lot of hope in your marriage. You may want to visit a website link removed and get some tools on how to rebuild your marriage. Some of her needs are not met and she probably does not have the right language to talk about them. I am so glad that you value your marriage and are willing to work on it. Good luck! P.S. Scout may be on something here. Confusion, kisses and hugs (feeling guilty?), and her refusal to seek counseling... She may not be engaged in a physical affair, but she might have an emotional affair. In any way, her behavior is very inconsistent and that's why I agree with Scout on that.
  6. moonbeam111
    Bambina, Yay for 31 days of NC! You are very strong. How is a ski search going?
  7. moonbeam111
    It is not fair that it happened to you. It's terrible. You did everything possible to stand by him and keep the family intact. But it takes two people to do that. Since you are looking for explanations, I have a few ideas why he could make such poor choices: 1. Neurological changes due to the accident. Disconnect, lack of empathy, impulsivity, etc... 2. Death anxiety related to the accident and a feeling that life is too short and he needs to live for himself and pursue his dreams while he can. 3. Late middle life crisis. The reasons - mortality, aging, late regrets, and burning desire to start over with a new younger woman. But whatever the real reasons are, it does not matter! Your children need a healthy, strong, and happy mom. Why don't you reverse your powerful intention to help him and apply it to yourself? Get a lot of help and support, reach out to friends and family, nurture yourself and let go of "him". The man you loved is still in your heart. The love, the good times, the connection - it's all yours still. The man that walks around and looks like him is a stranger. Your mind is sharp and your inner vision is excellent. You did recognize that he is a stranger, right?
  8. moonbeam111
    Bambina and Dorsay, when I read your thread, I often have tears in my eyes. You are great human beings with solid values and honest, loving hearts. I am so glad you support each other during this heartbreaking time! It will get better...
  9. moonbeam111
    I agree with Blender. I too took Italian classes, reconnected with friends, and focused on myself after the breakup. I decided to date myself and get to know myself better. If you start dating right now, you would miss the opportunity to learn who you are and what you want. Patience. Deep breath. Smile. This is you. Get to know you before you get to know anyone else.
  10. moonbeam111
    Brilliant!
  11. moonbeam111
    Finewine, dear, you can't make yourself forgive him. Not yet. He is still toxic for you and you are still hurt by his poor choices. You need to be selfish and take care of yourself. Cut him out. Focus on healing and moving on. Before you can forgive him, you need to forgive yourself for staying with him and getting hurt. Now about his problems. It's a separate issue. He is confused but it's not your job to understand his confusion and help him. Don't waste a minute thinking about his personality disorder, dysfuncitonal family, or bad childhood. You won't get paid for it, right? Not by him, that's for sure!!!
  12. moonbeam111
    Everything he said made sense to him. And yes, it is possible to hold two opposite intentions at the same time. He had his inner conflicts and he was trying to resolve them in a way that made sense to him. He was being confused too. He is human. All you can do is to try being compassionate. Tell him that you heard him. And tell him that you are not his therapist and that he needs to seek help somewhere else. And wish him good luck.
  13. moonbeam111
    I think that you need to forgive yourself for what you did (affair). Otherwise, staying with him is a punishment that you chose to undergo for your "sins". It's like you need to suffer for breaking families apart. But you don't. The only way to be free is to walk away from this unhealthy relationship. You are not a prisoner. You are not in jail. The best option is to stand true to your feelings. You may definitely benefit from counseling. You are worthy of respect, love, and a truthful relationship. Focus on your self-esteem, trust the future, and don't sell yourself short. I am sorry you are in such a turmoil.
  14. moonbeam111
    You may really benefit from going to link removed
  15. moonbeam111
    I would have been happy to have a friend like you. I think that you have grown a lot and let go of blame. No wonder you feel whole and healed. The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love. Jennifer Edwards
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