A rant from my experience last night, Dumpers can be so selfish!!

Now i won't get into the details of my break up but in short we were together for 4 years and she left me back in September. Of course i was devastated and let my emotions run me for some time after that. It was her idea to remain friends and i obliged because at the time i didn't want to lose her. Some lessons you just have to learn the hard way and i put up with almost a month of her being cold and distant before i couldn't do it anymore for my own well being. Thankfully i found this site too!!

That brings us to last night (my birthday) I hadn't spoken to her for well over a month. So yesterday around 3 am she sends me a birthday text and i saw it when i woke up. It was sweet and i was happy she thought of me but i had no intentions of replying. She felt the need to throw this line in, "I know you really don't want to hear from me right now.." which couldn't be further from the truth because i let this girl know how i felt and where i stood before i went into NC. Anyways i didn't reply.

Fast forward to later that day around 3pm i get a message from her mom. Now i have to admit it did make me get a bit sentimental because i love her family and honestly didn't think i would ever hear from her mom again. Her message was very sweet and i was touched by it so i responded and wished her happy holidays. No mention of her daughter whats so ever! The mom replies to me with this, "(ex's name) just text me that you never replied to her. I have to go now. bye." There was no need for that at all and it upset me a bit but whatever i went on with my day.

So later around 9 when i was having dinner with my family and friends i get a text from my Ex saying the following, "You never replied to me and it's understandable. Have an amazing life. Be safe, i will always love you and there will always be a place for you in my heart. bye. " Here's my problem with this, how can you be so selfish? especially after she knows very well how i feel and where i stand on all this. Its not like i just disappeared on her out of the blue.Its like is your ego that hurt by my silence that she felt the need to try and illicit a response from me.

Perhaps I'm being sensitive but to me it was unnecessary. I'm just trying to move on.

Block her!

It wasn't selfish and it wasnt uncalled for...she accepts that your non response is you trying to heal and move on.

Ugh that sucks. I have found I do much better without any contact from my ex. You might want to consider blocking her since kids are not involved. We have kids and we texted a bit yesterday but it degenerated into a text screaming match and I told her what I really thought of her and her cheating and blah blah, was better not communicating at all. Thank god our daughter is almost 18 I can forget her and move on.

It wasn't selfish and it wasnt uncalled for...she accepts that your non response is you trying to heal and move on.

I disagree. If she truly accepted his non-response, she wouldn't have sent the second text. She would have understood why her mother got a response and she didn't. She would have quietly licked her wounds and moved on with her day.

But her ego was wounded, and instead of accepting it quietly and leaving Navi in peace, she had to get the last word in by sending the second text.

I disagree. If she truly accepted his non-response, she wouldn't have sent the second text. She would have understood why her mother got a response and she didn't. She would have quietly licked her wounds and moved on with her day.

 

But her ego was wounded, and instead of accepting it quietly and leaving Navi in peace, she had to get the last word in by sending the second text.

Agree!!!!!!

He didn't block her....so he was hoping for the bday text.

No responding was fine.

Her mother texted bday greetings as well....and he texted back.

Let the games begin. Of course the mother is going to tell the daughter he responded to her.

So now ignoring the ex is NOT about healing....it is about one upping her.

If you don't want to play...don't volley. If you volley...they have the opportunity to return.

All would have been avoided had she been blocked to begin with.

P.S. Happy belated birthday, Navi!

Don't worry. You don't have to reply to me. It's understandable. I can handle it, I swear!

Thank you guys for the responses (:

I didn't block her because we both had a long conversation about our situation when i went into NC. It isn't about games at all and of course i was expecting a birthday text, we were a huge part of each others lives for 4 years. I'm only human. I chose not to reply because i knew it would hurt me. Her mom is a whole different story, i love her family and was touched that her mom remembered my birthday.

I think the mother contacted you because you didn't reply to her daughter. And about you ex I think it's definitely about her ego. While it is wonderful to get birthday wishes and from people you once cared about sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be. Just ignore them both. There's no law saying you have to be friends with an ex or her mom.

Both the mom and your ex were thoughtless sending their second texts, inspired by their own emotions and fallout from the split. Navigating this territory is tough for all parities.

Thank you guys for the responses (:

I didn't block her because we both had a long conversation about our situation when i went into NC. It isn't about games at all and of course i was expecting a birthday text, we were a huge part of each others lives for 4 years. I'm only human. I chose not to reply because i knew it would hurt me. Her mom is a whole different story, i love her family and was touched that her mom remembered my birthday.

Well, if you are making a point of saying it wasn't about games, that you didn't block her, that you expected a bday reply and replied to her mom, then yes I do think you were playing games in not responding to her.

But it's not like it really matters anymore - since she's still an ex no matter what.

He didn't block her....so he was hoping for the bday text.

No responding was fine.

Her mother texted bday greetings as well....and he texted back.

 

Let the games begin. Of course the mother is going to tell the daughter he responded to her.

So now ignoring the ex is NOT about healing....it is about one upping her.

 

If you don't want to play...don't volley. If you volley...they have the opportunity to return.

 

All would have been avoided had she been blocked to begin with.

actually, i disagree - if he blocked his ex, he wouldn't have gotten the text from the ex, but he would have still gotten her mom's text, which he would have replied to, then he would have gotten the exact same response.

i think that both the ex and the mom sound rather selfish here. who says that an ex is entitled to a response after a certain amount of time, particularly if they have been in no contact for a month??

Why would I block her? I don't hate her and while the breakup wasn't mutual, it wasn't ugly either.

We had a nice conversation about all of this before I went into NC. I expected a text from Her yes but that doesn't imply I'm playing games.

Navi, I'm guessing you didn't block her because a part of you hopes/hoped that at some point in the future she would change her mind and want to get back together. By blocking her, that's putting a barrier up: she may go around that, or she may be put off and give up (in which case her intent probably wasn't very serious anyway). I think that's what happened, either on a conscious/subconscious level. We all have hope, at least initially, it's how we get through the darkest days. But it's just as you say, blocking someone you were with for 4 years who you broke up with reasonably amicably does look a little immature, to her, to everyone else, but more importantly, to yourself. I delete exs' numbers and messages, so if I have a wobble, I can't reach out, but I wouldn't go as far as blocking them unless something unpleasant went on.

She reached out to you four times, really. First with the 3am text (completely inappropriate texting an ex at that time, by the way), then getting her mum involved (twice!), then texting yet again! And yes, you're quite right. Her behaviour was incredibly selfish, bothering you on your Birthday and making it all about her. If she'd wished you a happy Birthday (at a reasonable hour) and left it at that, but getting her mum to text you was pitiful (her mum wouldn't have contacted you otherwise - mum's don't reach out to their daughter's ex boybriends months after they've broken up). And you kind of had to reply to her out of respect/politeness. The ex predicted that - it's all just a silly, selfish game and a ploy for attention. As well as you got on with her family, they are just that. Now you're broken up they're not a part of your life either - that's the sad but unavoidable truth of the matter.

If she contacts you again, I would say thank you for the Birthday wishes but you did ask for no contact and could she please respect that.

Thank you guys for the responses (:

I didn't block her because we both had a long conversation about our situation when i went into NC. It isn't about games at all and of course i was expecting a birthday text, we were a huge part of each others lives for 4 years. I'm only human. I chose not to reply because i knew it would hurt me. Her mom is a whole different story, i love her family and was touched that her mom remembered my birthday.

You are only human. More reason to block her. It might seem wrong and even counter intuitive. But it is the correct thing to do. We often don't follow this sound advise, because as humans we play games with our imagination. Let her go.

I went out last night and I got another text from her saying, "I miss you" it's not her texts that bother me, it's the fact that she is making this about her even though the last time we spoke I made it clear where I stand. It's like I told my family (me and my ex live in the same small town) I don't want to know anything about her right now because even when I think I see her car around I still get that feeling in my chest. I don't want to reply and risk getting my hopes up only to get hurt again. I don't want to block her either because I left the door open if she ever decides to have a serious talk and honestly, "I miss you" just isn't worth the risk of replying. Anyone's thiughts?

It's not "let's get back together." Keep ignoring.

I went out last night and I got another text from her saying, "I miss you" it's not her texts that bother me, it's the fact that she is making this about her even though the last time we spoke I made it clear where I stand. It's like I told my family (me and my ex live in the same small town) I don't want to know anything about her right now because even when I think I see her car around I still get that feeling in my chest. I don't want to reply and risk getting my hopes up only to get hurt again. I don't want to block her either because I left the door open if she ever decides to have a serious talk and honestly, "I miss you" just isn't worth the risk of replying. Anyone's thiughts?

Don't answer.

I see this and her previous message as her looking for a reaction from you. I think what she wants is you to jump on this text and tell her how much you miss her, and then she'll feel better about herself and that will be it.

To me, she's looking for reassurance about your availability to her should she ever want you. Don't give it to her, because she'll just be off again and you'll feel worse.

And keep yourself in check by not reading into it.

Thanks, you're probably right. If I've learned anything from this site is that you guys are right 90% of the time lol. If it were anything significant then she will find a way communicate that with me more clearly. I'll just keep at my own Journey (:

Why would I block her? I don't hate her and while the breakup wasn't mutual, it wasn't ugly either.

We had a nice conversation about all of this before I went into NC. I expected a text from Her yes but that doesn't imply I'm playing games.

Why leave a door open if you're not going to respond? What does this accomplish?

If I respond and she goes cold and distant again then what? I'm left picking up the pieces and it hurts. I have the right to protect myself and, "I miss you" isn't anything significant enough to jump and take that chance. She knows how I feel. If there's more to it then she will get that accross and if not then the silence is my answer.

I went out last night and I got another text from her saying, "I miss you" it's not her texts that bother me, it's the fact that she is making this about her even though the last time we spoke I made it clear where I stand. It's like I told my family (me and my ex live in the same small town) I don't want to know anything about her right now because even when I think I see her car around I still get that feeling in my chest. I don't want to reply and risk getting my hopes up only to get hurt again. I don't want to block her either because I left the door open if she ever decides to have a serious talk and honestly, "I miss you" just isn't worth the risk of replying. Anyone's thiughts?

Your lack of response has totally taken your ex by surprise and knocked her off her guard. No doubt she was confident that you were still pining over her which was comforting for her to know. Now she has had her security blanket whipped away from her and she is feeling the effects. Whether she really misses YOU or misses knowing that she could have you is impossible to say. I think you are right as regards the risk of replying. If you were to reply saying the same that could be all she needs to hear to continue on her current path. Unless she out and out says she wants you back then it is best not to assume that is the case so I would continue on as you are and not allow yourself to be pulled backwards.

If I respond and she goes cold and distant again then what? I'm left picking up the pieces and it hurts. I have the right to protect myself and, "I miss you" isn't anything significant enough to jump and take that chance. She knows how I feel. If there's more to it then she will get that accross and if not then the silence is my answer.

Did you tell her you wanted no contact back when you started NC? You have the right to set your terms, and tell her don't contact you until you contact her.

Yeah, all of this is no surprise. That's why I was upset that she would add,"I inow you really don't want to hear from me" to her birthday text. She knows that isn't true and why I've decided to keep distance.