Should I read it?

Hey everyone. I've posted many times under Abuse and Violence and other places about my ex whom I broke up with 2 months ago. I'm having a really hard time moving on because I'm still so in love with him. I had him blocked from email, FB and phone. Haven't heard from him in a month. This morning he texted me another number and asked me to please just listen to him. He said he has done a lot

of self reflecting over the last two months and he admits to being a mean person. He told me that he wrote me a letter and for me to please read it. He is giving it to a friend to give to me. I really want to read it but at the same time I'm afraid it will set me back and hurt. He promised the letter isn't mean. (He has told me in the past he wouldn't be mean and then he would lose his temper and become cruel). Ugh I'm so upset now... What should I do?

Not read it. Not read it under any circumstances. He is trying to reel you in again. Nothing has truly changed, especially in just two months. The percentage of men who overcome abusive tendencies is around 1 percent, and that is with YEARS of therapy. Do something for yourself and stay away. Are you in therapy? If not, you should find a therapist who works with women who have been in domestic abuse situations. You need to build your own identity and your own life, which you absolutely can, but not if you are going to have ANYTHING to do with someone who has hurt you intentionally.

Block the new number he has texted from and completely SHRED the letter so you aren't tempted to read it.

You need to put YOU first. You're afraid the letter will set you back, and it probably will. Two months is not enough time for a person to change.

Absolutely do not read it and block his number!!!! No abusive person changes in two months that's ridiculous. It is the same cycle of abuse where he's promised you he changed .BS.

You know the cycle of abuse:

There's the buildup of tension....

.... until there's the explosion of the horrible Abusive Episode....

.... then there's a Courting Period of apologies and the promises "it'll never happen again", "I've changed", "I've finally figured out what was wrong" blah blah blah.... (whatever he thinks you need to hear to take him back).....

.... followed by the Honeymoon Phase where they're SUPER NICE until....

.... a bit more time goes by and once again there starts to be the build up of tension (and the cycle continues, over and over and over)!

So, what you're seeing now is the Courting Period. DON'T FALL FOR IT.

Read the letter or not -- it doesn't matter. What it contains is MEANINGLESS. Unless he can show you a letter written by a psychiatrist personally guaranteeing you that he's overcome all his abusive tendencies after intensive therapy...... don't even consider taking him back.

Abusers RARELY "change" or "get cured" -- hardly ever!

Abuse ALWAYS escalates with time -- it never gets better, only worse!

No... And you should probably change your phone number and email so he can't contact you anymore.

Thank you all. I'm changing my phone number this week. And I've deleted my email address. I'm just so curious to what it says. I know no matter what I won't let myself go back to him. My mom told me the same thing... 2 months isn't going to change a lifetime of behavior. I'm thinking about giving the letter to her instead and she can read it and if it's something I don't need to read she can dispose of it so I won't be tempted. Agh I think this is the hardest thing I've ever been through (I was left before by a man I was engaged to but I think this is worse almost). I've posted so much stuff on here because everyone's input means a lot to me and has truly helped me cope.

"he texted me another number and asked me to please just listen to him. He said he has done a lot"

- He has done a lot... in a month? I doubt it. If it's re: abuse etc. he is NOT that much better, yet.

He has already contacted you and you've seen that. Guess a letter won't take you down much further? That is up to you- but by sounds of it, you will probably read it.

I suggest, no matter what, do NOT fall prey to him again. Do NOT end up giving into him at all because of his past..

"He has told me in the past he wouldn't be mean and then he would lose his temper and become cruel)"

I suggest he needs much more time to work on HIS issues before ever agree to try again.

Run honey, run. I rationalised my earlier ex until one day I felt his hand on my neck during an argument. Sometimes people who do not leave die and I am not being dramatic.

He has told me in the past he wouldn't be mean and then he would lose his temper and become cruel

You remember that each and every single time you gave him yet another chance, he reverted back to being cruel to you and losing his temper. Self-reflection isn't enough to make a person who is abusive stop being abusive. And definitely not just a month's time. Give him five years of good, solid, hard intensive therapy after he's lost everyone in his life, been homeless on the streets, and is down to his last dime and maybe, just maybe he'd change for the better realizing that if he doesn't he's going to die penniless in a gutter somewhere. But I wouldn't count on it even then, to be honest with you. Hey, I worked in a women's shelter. I got to see abusive relationships up close and personal, it never got better--just worse.

This? Nah, this is just him pulling the same manipulative crap he has pulled on you time after time. So he wrote you a letter full of words he can't back up and won't back up in the future. What difference does that make? What difference will that make? What happens the first time he loses his temper again and yes, he will because being abusive is his drug. It is every abusive person's personal drug. They get high off the need to hurt others the way a heroin addict gets high or a meth head gets high off their substances. In many ways a meth head or a heroin addict has a much easier time getting clean than an abusive person though. So unless you can see he's done really hard work including using his own dime to pay for some serious loads of therapy to find out why he's mean and why he has a hair-trigger temper and takes it out on those he purports to love your best bet is to keep reminding yourself of your own words here.

Abusers are manipulative and they'll pretty much keep selling you empty promises as long as you keep buying them. In the meantime you need to get yourself some therapy or counseling too, because it's also not normal to stay with someone who keeps hurting you. You need to heal and that happens with NC and therapy, even if it's just that you go and read books on the topic of abusive relationships and how to get free of them.

You both need to do a tremendous amount of work that is not going to be solved by some pretty words on a piece of paper. If that were the case there would be no problems in the world, none.

 

Abusers are manipulative and they'll pretty much keep selling you empty promises as long as you keep buying them. In the meantime you need to get yourself some therapy or counseling too, because it's also not normal to stay with someone who keeps hurting you. You need to heal and that happens with NC and therapy, even if it's just that you go and read books on the topic of abusive relationships and how to get free of them.

 

You both need to do a tremendous amount of work that is not going to be solved by some pretty words on a piece of paper. If that were the case there would be no problems in the world, none.

Thank you. I do realize he could still turn at the blink of an eye. 2 months isn't going to fix a lifetime worth of problems he has had. I am in counseling now and reading tons of self help books. I have tried every which way to go NC. He has found a way around it. Now I just have to change my number. I realize this isn't normal to want someone who treats me this way. Kind of makes me mad at myself. My pain hasn't dulled

yet but I hope it will.

Two months is still extremely early in the breakup, so don't be so hard on yourself. If we could all turn our hearts off whenever we realized we were in a bad relationship the world would be such a happy place. Alas, reality. Again, don't beat yourself up about it, just keep moving forward and I'm glad to hear you're in counseling. You just have to keep deleting and blocking him and resign yourself to doing so for however long it takes him to go away. If he gets nasty then go get a restraining order, otherwise treat him like a telemarketer who calls you periodically trying to sell you crap you don't need.

And yes, if you trust your mom give the letter to her and have her read it then give you the short version. That's provided she won't be swayed by his words. I say that, because after the first time I broke up with an abusive ex he persuaded a sibling to give talk to me and give him another chance. That sibling is still angry at him for doing that and totally regretted talking me into taking the ex back. I've forgiven her, but not my ex. Hah. Otherwise burn the letter, you know it'll be full of "I'm sorrys" and excuse after excuse about why his being abusive had to be. Or else he'll go the totally manipulative route and say all manner of terrible things about himself to make you think this time he really gets it.

Thanks everyone. I fell off the NC bandwagon today and I'm afraid when I wake up tomorrow the pain will be worse because I probably set myself back a lot. He knew I blocked him from my phone so apparently he downloaded this app on the computer where you can text/ call people or whatever. He begged and begged and said he would change and get counseling for himself and to give him another chance. And he said such sweet things. I remembered what everyone here has told me though (don't know where I would be without you guys!) I wondered if I was being manipulated. He told me that he didn't know if he could live without me and asked if I would be happy if he did something to himself. And tonight he told me he felt worthless to me because I left and didn't let him fight for me, etc. This is not true and it made me feel so bad and I told him it wasn't true. I probably shouldn't have but I didn't want him thinking that. And I told him I just wanted to get over him and that he wouldn't hear from me anymore. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him. I'm upset with myself for telling him that because 1) I did leave him (although I am in love with him) and I don't want him to think the door is still open for contact. I'm changing my number tonight! 2) I felt horrible and didn't want him to think I didn't love him (he said I didn't love him when I wouldn't call him tonight because I wouldn't give him 5 minutes worth of my time by calling him - I've fallen for that one before). Ugh did I royally screw up by telling him I loved him? And by breaking NC?

No you didn't royally screw up by breaking NC and telling him you love him. you've learned from it, you're taking this lesson and not making the same mistake again, it's all fine. Good for you for changing your number! Yes you might feel a little worse for the next day or so but it'll go away and you'll be OK again. Like I said, you learned from this and you move on. Hugs to you!

Relax, many people fall off the NC wagon at one point or another. You just have to view it as a bump in the road rather than an obstacle that's put you back to square one. Besides I think you handled it really well. You let him know you love him BUT also that you are done with him and moving on. You actually did good, so change your number and keep going. You stood up for yourself and now you know that you've told him the whole "you don't love me" manipulation isn't true. So he can't keep using that now, because hey you told him right? But more importantly, you told him you wanted to get over him and he wouldn't be hearing from you again. So stick to that, be proud of standing up for yourself.

You're going to feel better and better with time. Take some deep breaths and realize you just actually won a victory by not caving in and running back to him, but instead telling him what you were going to do.

Jewels, you're a smart girl. You know it's a manipulation and will always be. That's what abusers do. Shake off the contact. You only mess up if you give him another chance to abuse you.

Thanks guys. I'm having a hard day today. I have been reading about the ways manipulators will tell you anything, I still can't help to feel like maybe I'm missing out on something good and that he will change. I guess those feelings of fear I had at one point are slowly slipping away and all I can think about is all the really good things he did (and yes I've made a list of all the bad things to keep reading). I'm afraid I'll never love anyone the way I love him. What if he was my one true love? This just hurts so damn bad and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am in therapy now and on anti-depressants but I just don't feel like anything is helping.

You are young and have lots of time to find "your true love"! I have been in love 4 times in my life and I have a son about your age! At your age, I was getting divorced from my first husband who was verbally abusive and would throw things at me some times. I had 2 very young children when I finally escaped the abuse and I found love again. So don't get yourself wrapped up in that fairly tail of one true love. There will be more, believe me! Abuse is never okay, you deserve more.

Hang in there.

Honey, you WILL love again. My mom escaped from my abusive father when she was 25 years old and she went on to love and remarry two more times. It is completely likely that you will love again.

You will find love again. And I'm sorry to say this, because I wish it were true, but he won't suddenly magically become "not abusive." That can happen if he works on himself for years yeah, but only if he removes the temptation of having another person in his life long enough to get there. And honestly when I reread your post and realized he'd asked if you'd feel better if he "did something" to himself I just had to shake my head. He could just go get into therapy and leave you alone and then show up a year from now doing some amends, instead he offers more violence, just against himself this time instead of against you.

That tells you that no matter what this guy says his mindset is that violence is what solves things. You won't miss out on anything, but hospitalizations or worse in the long run by not returning to him.

And yes I know it's hard during a breakup. You need to give yourself time, lots of time, lots of care, keep reading up on abusive relationships and how they end. Realize that right now you're in that stage of grief where bargaining is likely happening "maybe if I did or had done this, I could then get what I want..." And that too will pass.

My first love was abusive, at first just emotionally and then he hit me while I was confronting him on cheating on me. Right after that i found out he was dealing drugs. At the time I thought I'd never get over him. It took me time and I had to end up moving accross the country to get away from him. That was over 30 years ago. I have to say he's the one I've loved the least and I've fallen in love several times since then. Fortunately not with anyone who hit me though I did have to learn all over again with my last ex that there's more than one way to get emotionally abused and not realize that's what you're looking at. And yes, I got over him to and am now with someone who really does just treat me well and vice versa.

Keep doing everything you're doing and more, you will come out of this in one piece and be glad you left when you did.

I think I heard this on Judge Just only 3 percent of abusers change with intensive therapy please so not accept his manipulations. I ignored my exes ways the former one and then one time we argued and his hand was on my neck! Do everything to avoid this situation again. There is always a reason you gravitate towards a man like that. Be brave and find and break the pattern.

Aluta continua