Hesitant to write about this one

[Beehive]

Batya.. I have had tragedy in my life. If you would like a list here goes, my father died, my whole life and house got taken from me during Hurricane Katrina and some other things. I realize the way I am feeling is not good. I am just trying to work through it. I know it is not the most important thing. I don't care about the wedding, the ring or anything. I am not a perfectionist and actually do not ask for much. I guess that is why him botching this up means so much to me. I told him to just get me a gold band because I didn't want him to waste money. So, i let go of everything else and just wanted a special moment. Oh well.. I am not nice for wanting that I suppose. It is also my fault because I asked him about something he said he would tell me, rather than just saying no I am not gonna tell you. I will give it to you when I give it to you. Anyway, I have had bad things happen so I really wanted something special to happen. Thank you though. All these perspectives have jogged my mind to think more about this. And that is the point right?

[Beehive]

Geez, I never wanted to mention the Katrina thing. So please disregard. i actually tell most people I came out ok with it. Don't want any pity in that regard. Thanks for all the comments again. Sometimes we get too into ourselves.

[Kalika]

I might have missed this, and if so I apologize, but in the last few months, have you even told him that you are unhappy about the way things went, and that you want a do-over? Something like, "I really need a proposal from you, I need you to say to me what your intentions are, and I want to redo it because I don't want to find out you want to marry me in a moment of anger"..

 

??

[chickidee23]

yep, THAT is the most important thing to get right. I would suggest that you call off the engagement at once. That's my advice.

 

If it is true love and you really do want to get married, a proposal that isn't quite up to your standards shouldn't be a deal breaker. My hubby is not romantic at all and he proposed to me in our bedroom- not exactly a proposal every girl dreams of but it was sincere and HE WAS ASKING ME TO MARRY HIM. That was the most important thing. Sounds to me like maybe you aren't sure you want to marry him and are using a "bad" proposal as an excuse. Try looking at the big picture, shift your focus and see what you get. Good luck.

[TheFoglifter]

... I also know that he knows me, and I could tell that he was getting pleasure from planning whatever he was planning...so who was I to take that away just because I had to stay in suspense longer than I might've liked?"

 

But she's2smart -- you say this having ALREADY learned the lesson that allows you to think this way, thereby allowing your husband more leeway in how he acts because he knows you will not overreact.

 

The way I see it, I believe her nagging him was the passing of the gun, but him revealing the surprise in spite of that was the shooting of the gun. Yes, had she not nagged, there wouldn't have been an issue, but also had he not caved, there ALSO wouldn't have been an issue.

 

Now I am not saying that the OP shouldn't change. What you said about learning to be more patient is a lesson I WISH women everywhere would learn (at least, before its too late). I did say that she should have been more conscious of his feelings, and I tried to make her realize what must have been going on in his head.

 

I am also saying that the boyfriend still had an opportunity to save things -- had he kept his mouth shut, and done the real proposal, she would have realized why he didn't want to reveal it.

 

I've learned that in many cases that we wish someone would change, oftentimes we must change ourselves too in order to direct that change. Yes it would be nice if she didn't nag because then there'd be no problem, but its going to take time (or a MAJOR blowout like this issue) to correct it.

 

Maybe this incident will allow the two of them to emerge stronger.

[Batya33]

Yes - I forgot that you were the New Orleans person. I am very familiar with Katrina. I didn't mean to put you on the defensive - was simply trying to get a better sense of your perspective.

 

It's not that you are "not nice" for wanting a special moment - perfectly normal! - but your reaction suggests to me that it is more than that. Only you can figure that out and only if you really want to.

[RayKay]

Did you post about this a while back? I seem to remember someone else from New Orleans with a simalar problem a month or so ago.

 

Yes, as she said in the original post on this thread she had already posted about this previously.

[ghost69]

i read through this whole thing. i still have no idea what this guy did that could be so bad....or what he said he was going to say but didn't. maybe deep down you don't want to marry this guy after all. sure he's great, but you might be holding onto something you don't feel completely compatible with. that is all i can deduce from this. need more detail to elaborate.

[SummerGirl38]

Hi Ya Beehive,

 

First I wanna say that you are on this forum because you obviously have some problems just like the rest of us do or you wouldn't be here. I wouldn't take it so personal if you don't like the replies people give you when you post your problem.

 

I posted a thread once that over 100 people replied to. I thought it was just a dumb question, but after I started reading some of the angry replies people gave me, I knew my question wasn't dumb at all. These replies hurt, even made me cry, but it opened my eyes to the problem and made me search for a solution. I took it as a learning experience.

 

Moral is, don't be scared to share with us. We're not all bad people. When I give you my reply it truly does come from my heart and there are many, many more people on here just like me.

 

I honestly think you should try to do your best to get over this problem. I'll put it to you like this....

 

This story is kind of like when you pick out the best Christmas present ever for your boyfriend. You are really proud and you end up telling him you got him something really cool this year because you are so excited and can't wait until he sees it.

 

Two days before Christmas the store calls you and tells you that surprise is on back order. It won't be in until a week after Christmas. Now it's Christmas morning and you boyfriend is really excited to see the gift. You tell him you are sorry but it's on back order and he will get it in a week.

 

He still wants to know what it is anyway. He begs and begs for a hint until you finally just tell him that you got him a new Home Stereo System.

 

Kinda takes the excitement out of it doesn't it? Now you won't get to see the surprised look on his face when he opens it because he knows what it is already. Where is the fun in that?

 

This is kind of what you have done to him. You have ruined his surprise. I am sure he wanted to ask you to marry him in some special way once he had the ring in his hand, but when you begged to know what it was, you kind of blew it for him and he told you.

 

Relax, this does not mean that when he finally gets it, he won't ask you and I am sure he will have his own special way to do it.

 

Maybe he thought he would of had it paid for by now and is kind of hurt because it's not.

 

Don't be sad, atleast you know you WILL get it one day soon. Let's hope it's HUGE!

 

Congrats and Good luck!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think there are some deeper issues here for you... i.e., are you maybe grieving how things have gone in your life and in your mind you need 'just one thing' to be the way you had hoped it would be?

 

having said that, i think it is really important for couples to understand that their partner can't read their mind, nor have the same emotions, feelings, understandings as the other person. so he may have 'wrecked' this proposal according to what you had in your mind, but he had no way of knowing what you expected unless you told him IN ADVANCE that you wanted a big romantic proposal. he just can't guess that, nor conform to all your expectations, unless you tell him what they are.

 

so you are really upset with him, for something he didn't know would have this effect on you to begin with. so dealing with your own disappointment needs to be not so much about forgiveness, but about learning a BIG lesson that he can't read your mind, nor live up to your expectations unless you talk to him and tell him how really important something is.

 

the other thing is you sound depressed, like you need to get counseling about how you are reacting to disappointments. and the reality is this is something that happened, and you can't change reality or the past. you could try to get over it in practical ways, like telling him how important romance is to you, and how you would really appreciate flowers on your birthday, or whatever romantic gestures you can have for the FUTURE. he can't undo this, and all you are doing is damaging yourself and the relationship by dwelling on something that can't be changed, that he didn't recognize was so important to you you would respond this way.

 

look to the future and building other romantic memories, not the past that can't be changed. tell him you would like something romantic for each anniversary... many men do a big proposal, and within a few years, are forgetting anniversaries, so please don't deprive yourself of a nice future because of something that has happened in the past.

 

and learn to communicate your wants and needs, so that he is not constantly trying to guess what it is he did wrong, when you haven't even told him what you want from him.

[Lava Rocks]

Hey Vespar,

 

He just ruined the surprise because he got angry at me. I feel like a superficial F&^%, but I don't know how to move on. I always wanted to be totally surprised. I am not a girl of many fantasies and that was one of mine.

It's understandable that you're disappointed in the way that you found out. It is a once-in-a-lifetime moment, and you feel like it didn't live up to the fantasy. I can see it from your perspective. But you can't really hold it against him, as it sounds like he felt pressured to spill it, and was obviously upset that he was unable to keep the secret until he had the ring in hand. You aren't really disappointed in him, but disappointed that that moment is lost, am I right?

That being said, think of it like the guys who cannot afford their dream ring (or any ring for that matter) so they buy a starter ring. I've known several women who at first felt a little disappointed by this up until the day they were married, but afterwards, not one single woman would part with it because it meant so much. I also know one woman who swallowed her ring when her fiance put it in a glass of milk. Their proposal turned into a night at the ER. I know there's a huge difference between these situations and yours. Just trying to say that you can think of the marriage itself that's the prize, not the proposal.

[jenny_mcs]

Beehive-

 

I’m sorry you’ve had such an incredibly difficult time these past few years, with your father’s death and Katrina. Maybe you were subconsciously depending on this amazing proposal to “make up” for some of that stuff?

 

I think it’s understandable if you were thinking/hoping for that, but unfortunately that is not the way life (usually) works. I think you will find as you get older that regular, ordinary times become the times you look back on and treasure, and a lot of times, these “big events’ that we get so worked up over fail to meet our expectations.

 

I think that after such a difficult few years, you were yearning for a big, positive, wonderful event and you didn’t get it.

 

But I think what will be even better for you than this one big moment is a just a lot of nice, small moments. Like your fiancé making your morning coffee, or texting you to say he loves you, or a nice weekend trip that the 2 of you plan together.

 

Maybe try to focus on the smaller things your fiancé does for you? These small moments are what’s going to define a relationship. Try to realize that this “one big moment” would have come and gone, but the small caring things are what carry us from year to year.

 

(hugs)

 

Jenny

[facade]

...and to add to what Jenny said, I would think and certainly hope that in 5 years, you can look back on this "moment" and realize how very special it was in its own way (he put his own wants of how to propose to you aside to make you happy and give you what you wanted...to know what your surprise was) and that you can even laugh about the botched proposal.

[vesper]

hey beehive,!

 

 

 

Sorry me and hellfrost got into it,

 

 

 

we're actually really good friends

 

 

 

 

hope everything is ok and you've sorted out your feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

x

 

 

vespar

[HellFrost666]

hey beehive,!

 

 

 

Sorry me and hellfrost got into it,

 

 

 

we're actually really good friends

 

 

 

 

hope everything is ok and you've sorted out your feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

x

 

 

vespar

 

She's just trying to get on my good side so I won't try to gore her with my newly sharpened horns... Lol.

 

In all seriousness I am sorry too.

[CharlesF]

It seems to me that he did screw up the proposal. How often does he screw things up? If it is not that often, I would forgive him. If he makes allot of mistakes like this, I think you should be concerned.

[Beehive]

Vespar and Hellfrost,

It is totally cool to spar on my threads I am not upset at all. I also have taken everything I have read into consideration and have made some headway. I have not been upset about this the entire 3 months, it just seems to creep up on me once in a while. I have come to conclude that yea the proposal was messed up, but as Charles asked (does he do it often?), no he doesn't. So that should count for something. In addition, he feels so badly about doing what he did, I think he would do anything to turn back time. So everyone's comments have helped me a lot, in realizing a few things. I am going to look forward instead of looking back. I am going to be thankful that he cares that he has hurt me and would do anything to make it better. I just hope I can put this past me and forget about it. So thanks everyone.. I will keep you all posted

[NeverMore]

^^^ and ^^^^ you guys should be ashamed of yourselves, lol. Kidding.

 

Beehive, Good outlook. Try to stick to it.

[Gracelove]

I think that maybe, for your whole life you dreamed of what your marriage proposal would be like, and then when it happened the way it did....it hurt you because you felt like your dream had died.

And I think that's okay. I may not feel the same way, but everyone has different dreams.

I don't think you're superficial. People just get hung up on different things. If you feel the need to grieve it's okay.

Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. You never know, he may plan a surprise proposal for you. If not, at least you know he understands how you feel.

Good luck on your upcoming marriage!

~Grace

[karvala]

I think Grace makes the central point: you need to talk to your bf about it. It's clearly something that's been bothering you, and I can entirely understand why (I'd be upset at a special moment being ruined like that too), but what is really keeping this going in your mind is the lack of resolution, so get some!

 

Talk to him, calmly explain how you feel. And then you have two options

 

(1) If you're not expecting anything other than a nice discussion, and then case closed, and you're okay with that; OR if you think he may get the point and redo the whole proposal thing, then you can leave it.

 

(2) If neither of those apply, then for fun, and for sake of closure of the issue for you, consider returning the compliment and making a very romantic proposal to him (or if you like, formal acceptance of his). Create a moment that will supercede your previous disappointment.