Hesitant to write about this one

[Beehive]

I have to forgive. I love him more than anything or anyone in the world. Why am I stuck on this superficial aspect? Maybe the word forgiveness is key. I do not think I have forgiven him for being so thoughtless. Perhaps it is a good place to start. Thanks everyone. Any more thoughts are helpful. Everyone has been very helpful to me thus far. I appreciate it!

[vesper]

don't ya think that if you are about to enter into a committed relationship with someone, they should be more thoughtful than what you have described?

[HellFrost666]

Beehive... I am really sorry but are you kidding me?

You are mad because he ruined the surprise. He said he didn't want to tell you, and you got mad, so he told you. I think you ruined it for him.

 

He probably had some great way of doing this planned out in his head, but you getting mad at him the morning of your aniversary for not telling you most likely ruined his plans. And keep in mind most people are not the most happy when just waking up in the morning. I know if I just woke up and my girlfriend was like "So what did you get me, huh huh what did you get me? Tell me right now." I would get annoyed too. Thank Gods my girlfriend is not the type to do that.

 

Once agains I am sorry to be so harsh... but come on now.

[Samedy]

I have a question. And I don't mean to be a jerk by asking you this. But why didn't you initially trust him enough not to keep probing him about the gift in the first place?

[Dako]

Beehive,

 

Have you ever married before?

[Beehive]

Ok to respond to respond to hellfrost, I asked because he agreed to tell me. Don't agree to tell me and then don't. I do not think anyone's comments are negative because we all have opinions. All I want to learn is how to get over a hump. He hurt me, no matter how superficial it is to anyone. I want to get over it and not brood.

 

To Sam, I guess I am just over anxious and do not like anticipation. It was not a matter of trust, but rather excitement.

[Beehive]

Hey Dako,

No I have never been married before. This is a whole new world.

[HellFrost666]

I said, will you tell me what it is on that date anyway and he said yes. Well on December 31st my eyes popped open and I woke up and wanted to know what it was. He told me he didn't have it yet and I said, yes but you said you would tell me what it was.

 

You asked him to tell you! I don't mean the morning of the event, but even before that you asked him to tell you on your aniversary even if he wasn't going to give it to you then, and now you are mad because he ruined the surprise... I don't understand.

 

Maybe he was planning on telling you later on that day and in doing so, giving you a better proposal.

 

As far as how to get over it... Realize that you had your part in this too. Things turned out this way because you were so anxious and couldn't wait. Forgive yourself, and then you will be able to fogive him. Look at it from his perspective.

[Beehive]

Actually Hellfrost, in my few experiences with you, it seems you side with the male. I did not ask for him to ruin my proposal. If we decided not to get each other anything and he wanted to surprise me, he should have just kept it quiet. I did not ask for this. Furthermore, if I had any idea it was going to be this monumental I would not have pushed. I thought it was going to be something else, like a stuffed animal or a good book, not an engagement ring. Also, why is it ok that he told it to me in anger. I understand you have your opinion, but consider where I am coming from. After all, I am the one on here asking for help not him.

[Beehive]

He also could have told me it was a necklace or something, ya know?

[doyathink]

Frost, I happen to agree with what you said. OP, I guess I don't get why your feelings are hurt. After all, he really wanted it to be a surprise and you ruined it for him...thats why he was angry with you.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I did not ask for him to ruin my proposal

It was his proposal, not yours, he asked you to marry him, he bought you a ring and jumped thru that hoop at least. He was probably annoyed because he woke up to you saying "what's my surprise" when he really wanted to hear "good morning honey, I love you". I would have been annoyed if the first thing that my SO was thinking about when the woke up was what did I get them.

 

You really should try couples therapy, if you're having such issues over this no before you're married, there are going to be big problems in the future. You should also try therapy alone and really talk about this with a professional that can give you so better insight into what happened between you to.

[doyathink]

It was his proposal, not yours, he asked you to marry him, he bought you a ring and jumped thru that hoop at least.

 

Well, can't argue with that. Good point.

[Siriana]

First of all it's great you realise how you need to get over your dissappointment.

 

I think the best way to do so is to see the situation from different angle, the one that shows how it wasn't so horrible.

 

So this is my idea:

It is such a great thing you found someone you are going to get married to. A lot of people are still searching for that special person and you were lucky enough to find him. Imagine all the nice things he's done for you.

After that you'll feel little bit better, i am shure.

 

Now the other trick I use is to see things trough the eyes of another person - your bf.

Now try to replay this situation in your head but imagine you were him.

For example:

You already planned the proposal for the anniversary, and you know your gf can't wait to see the surprise she knows nothing about.

Unfortunatelly they messed up something about the ring.

You were searching all accross the city for the right one - and it took you a month to find it! They promised you it's going to arrive on that date of anniversary but ... hm, looks like they messed up.

You are already frustrated...and your gf is very impatient and you are at the same time dissappointed you are not going to be able to give her the surprise today!

So on that day you are lying in the bed ans your gf starts the day with the question: where is my gift!

Than she gets impatient like a little child (sorry but you were like that) and you just can't control yourself anymore after she asked again what it is so you tell her. In a moment of stupidness, you ruin the surprise for her.

 

So you see...there are always two possible explanations of the same situation.

 

Don't be angry at him. This is just the beginning of your life together. Plenty fights is in front of you. Imagine just the wedding preparations! Please learn how to communicate (this goes to both of you).

 

 

Also why were you so impatient? You knew he's going to get you something, right? And you knew when he said he's not having the surprise that he's not trying to be mean or lying?

Why were you so persistent?

Wouldn't it be better if you just asked...oh, ok honey, sorry for being pain in the * * *...do you know when the surprise will be here, you know how impatient I am? It would mean a lot if you hinted that so I will be able to control my curiosity.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I can understand how you feel, honestly. And I can understand how your fiance feels. Have you told him about this? Because maybe you could do it again - sort of pretend break off the engagement, and ask him to marry you or something, listing all the reasons why you want to be together forever.

 

I think there is something else going on, but I'm not sure I can put my finger on it. I mean, it's been nearly four months, and that's a long time to hold on to this. Are you happy in other ways in your relationship?

[shes2smart]

I agree with Hellfrost and CB.

 

He said he'd tell you, but since it wasn't on YOUR timetable (first thing in the morning of the day he said he'd tell you), you got upset, then he got upset. In your impatience, you ruined your own surprise. You didn't trust him to do what he told you he would do.

 

What if he stuck with not telling you right then and said he'd tell you later in the day instead? Would you have accepted that and let it go....or would you have kept asking and getting more upset when he kept telling you "later"? No need to answer here, but you'd do yourself a favor by being honest with yourself about that.

 

I know my husband's a reliable sort of guy. If he says he's gonna do something, the vast majority of the time, he does it. He may not do it when I think he should do it, but he does do what he said he'd do. I have learned to shut up, realize he's an adult and give him the space and trust to do things on his timetable.

[agent1607307371]

Did he actually ask you?

 

Because as far as I've read, I've not seen a proposal.

 

You've both gotten angry because you've not been able to completely keep the element of surprise, but has he actually asked you yet?

 

If the answer is no, then you still don't know when he is going to propose, in which case, you still get to keep some of the element of surprise.

 

I think you're both responsible in a way. You shouldn't have been impatient, but I'm guessing that your impatience wasn't a new character trait you sprung that morning in which case, he shouldn't have let drop that he had something for you.

[shes2smart]

...but to answer your original question...

 

1. You stop blaming him for "ruining" it.

 

2. You take responsibility for the role you played in what happened.

 

3. You acknowledge that you possibly had some unrealistic ideas about how things should have happened.

 

4. You realize that you cannot change what's already happened. One of my favorite sayings is "Even the Almighty God cannot change the past."

 

5. You realize that looking backward and regretting something that's already happened is a tremendous waste of time and energy. It prevents you from moving forward and it only ends up hurting you and those around you.

 

6. You learn from this incident and use it to become a better person so that you don't continually repeat this pattern of behavior.

[RayKay]

Just a short story first: one of my friends' proposal was after they had been out one night at a party, got back to a relatives place as they were staying out of province, her boyfriend said "you should go pick out a ring" (as they had discussed she would like to choose own) and he rolled over and started snoring.

 

They have been married 13 years, with two lovely children, and definitely love one another!

 

It is very rare the proposal is like in the movies! Most of the time the couple decides they are going to get married, and there is little fanfare after.

 

Seriously; yeah, it was not what you imagined. I am pretty sure it is not what he imagined either!

 

If he had refused to tell you when he asked; would you have really let it go or kept pushing? He told you probably as he knows how you would react if he didn't....others are right there is something more to this then a botched proposal.

 

We cannot tell you what it is, but there is something if you cannot forgive yourself and him for things not going "perfectly". Because the truth is, things not going "perfect" is good practice for marriage; and if you two cannot get past things like this together and laugh at them together; you are going to have a long and difficult road ahead.

[Batya33]

And of course there is the perfect proposal - they dated three months, fell in love on the first date, he surprised her by picking her and her sister up at the airport and proposing in front of the crowds. Sigh. Three months later they broke up. Sigh. My other friend was proposed to on New Year's Eve at a party. Right after the proposal he got sick (mostly from drinking). They've been married 10 years, two kids.

 

It really is about changing your mindset - each time you get that disappointed feeling you have to train yourself to stop the pity party and make a decision right then not to focus on it and to focus on the reason you picked this guy and he picked you. Or, call a friend who is out there single and dating and having a bad time of it to remind yourself of the alternatives.

 

That is if there is not something underlying this - a need for perfection? Some other more substantive deficit in the relationship or his behavior?

[TheFoglifter]

I say, if you want to get past it, call it even.

 

- YOU woke up him, nagged him and nagged him, and didn't let him be because you assumed the surprise was small, and you were impatient.

 

- HE shot himself in the foot by caving to frustration and impatience and just wanting to get you off his back.

 

You are even. I will say its stupid that your bf shot himself, but you handed him the gun and he loaded it. You are even!

 

Let me lay this out plainly for you, because I am in the same position as your boyfriend. You seem like the type of girl who fixates on what you want, and convinces yourself that anything different is unacceptable. Things have to be your way, on your schedule, by your means, or else (dread dread dread), you are unhappy.

 

Most advisers would tell your man to run the other way and never look back. The type of girl who wants everything her way is IMPOSSIBLE to please. Something is always just slightly off, and it only takes one "oops" to negate 10 "way to go"s.

 

If he is anything like me, he stresses himself out endlessly trying to give you what you want, when you want it, how you want it, and unfortunately (trust me, I know) things just don't always happen like that. You should be very thankful that he still wants to marry you, because this trait could mean a lifetime of heartache.

 

If it is revenge you want, think about how HE feels. As was said before, men only want to propose ONCE. We understand that women dream their lives waiting for the proposal, and we understand that it has to be just right.

 

However, we also hope that she will value the pledge of a man wanting her and only her, as the most valuable thing of all. He probably feels awful, stupid, and regretful, and now SCARED! He probably feels that nothing he ever does can erase this. He may be motivated to overcompensate now in other areas in order to try and convince himself, and you, that this botched proposal can be worked past.

 

Odds are he won't forget it either.

 

I know this, because I'm living it. My gf wants a ring that costs as much as a car, and I'm sure she has some grand idea about how it needs to be given to her. She is a very sweet and loving person, but sometimes "Mr. Hyde" comes out and it makes me feel like I'm signing up for a lifetime of trying to please someone who just won't be happy. That terrifies me more than any commitment... the idea that if just one thing goes wrong, I will lose something that means so much to me.

 

So like I said way back there -- understand both your involvements and call it even. Maybe you SHOULD remember this experience as motivation not to nag him, or badger him first thing in the morning.

 

Best of luck.

[Batya33]

What you wrote, Foglifter, is of the prime refrigerator magnet variety - some of us need that reminder more than others but it reminded me of a time when I was in that dangerous territory you wrote of.

 

To the OP - one more thing - it sounds like perhaps you haven't had a lot of tragedy/crisis in your life - not saying I wish that on anyone but when you get to experience how things can really go awry - divorce, death, terrorist attacks - it really helps with perspective. Even if you get over this issue maybe consider doing volunteer work with people in need to help round out your perspective on how things are supposed to work.

[facade]

He got angry because she wanted to know what the surprise was, first thing when she woke up.

Then he ruined the surprise by telling her what he got her without any of the specialness that comes with a proposal.

 

HE JUST ROLLED OVER AND SAID I GOT YOU A RING!!!!

 

no romantic setting, no down on one knee, no little speech about how he loves her...yadda yadda yadda

 

 

He told her because she got mad at him for changing his mind about telling her, I assume because he DID have an idea in mind of how to propose and wanted it to be special. He was kind of in a lose/lose, here. If he doesn't tell her, she's mad and if he does tell her, she's mad. The problem, I think, is that he set her up for this "surprise" by telling her before the anniversary that he got her something but she wouldn't get it until after their anniversary.

 

Beehive...might I suggest you talk to him about this? Tell him that you love him, love being engaged and look forward to a wonderful life with him but because this is the only proposal you will ever get (or want to get), can you have a do over and allow him the time, space and opportunity to do it the way he wants to do it over? Drop what happened, forgive and move on. I would guess he's not happy with how it ended up, either and might be happy, as long as you don't blame and are not accusatory, to do it over.

[TheFoglifter]

I agree with the idea that telling her that he got "something" set up a bad serve, but I think that even if he had kept his mouth shut, she still would have asked him what he was getting.

 

I guess this is still an important lesson though -- NEVER spoil a special surprise, no matter WHAT.

 

On one of my anniversaries, when I was strapped for money, I had still managed to buy some decent presents. While at dinner, gf thought that the dinner was all she was getting, and she started to get real pissy. Part of me wanted to say "oh my god you ingrate, I got you ", but I knew that would ruin what I hoped so hard to achieve. Then part of me considered saying "you're gonna feel REAL stupid when we get home", but that too was malproductive. I settled to say "don't worry, you are getting something else" and had to keep my cool and hope she calmed down.

 

When she opened the big gift, she started to cry -- I knew she realized what she had done. It was not easy, and it kind of tainted the experience, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

[shes2smart]

I agree with the idea that telling her that he got "something" set up a bad serve, but I think that even if he had kept his mouth shut, she still would have asked him what he was getting.

 

See, I don't think that was necessarily a bad move on his part.

 

She could've chosen to play it differently, enjoy the anticipation and trust that he'd reveal it when HE was ready to do so.

 

I dunno, maybe I just have a different take on it because I've done that nagging shrew thing and it never worked. Really, it just made both of us feel bad and set up a dynamic where I'm acting like his mom and he's reacting like a bratty kid. Made a conscious decision to NOT be that anymore prior to meeting my husband and worked very hard at changing my behaviors and attitudes.

 

Man, it was a hard habit to break and sometimes I nearly bit my tongue OFF learning to bite my tongue...but it's made a HUGE difference in the interaction in this relationship compared to my previous ones.

 

It seems to me the underlying problems (at least it was for me) are a lack of trust in one's SO, and forgetting to treat one's SO with respect.

 

When I want to start getting snippy with my husband about something he told me he'd do, but hasn't done, I take a step back and think about what's REALLY annoying me. Most of the time, it's that he's not doing whatever the way I would've done it. Then I have to remind myself that of course he's not doing it the way I would because he's not me. Then it's matter of remembering and respecting that he is a capable, trustworthy adult who keeps his word the vast majority of the time...and cutting him enough slack to allow him to do just that.

 

Frankly, I think that's something that many women of my generation and younger don't learn (or they only learn the hard way after much trial and error). For all the wonderful things about being raised in the pro-feminist 70's brought me, it also brought me some things that, IMO, made the whole boy-girl relationship thing tougher than it really needed to be.

 

If your guy is one of the good guys (i.e. not abusive, not a cheater, etc), you need to remember that, trust him and treat him with respect. Letting go and letting HIM lead now and again may run counter to everything you've been taught, I think it's one of the things that make the relationship with my husband work.

 

Several years ago, we were on vacation and doing a little shopping/browsing. I happened to see a framed album award of one of my favorite bands. I don't usually show much interest in stuff like that, but I really liked the way this one looked. Went to take a closer look and was way put off by the price...plus the difficulty of travelling home with a bulky/fragile item. It was very nice and I liked it, but left it behind and forgot about it in a few days' time.

 

My husband noticed my interest in that item. A few months later, he was walking around lookin' like the cat who swallowed the canary. It was crystal clear to me he was up to something. I asked him what was up. He said it was a surprise. I left it at that. Didn't bug him, didn't nag, didn't keep asking "what?" or "when?" even though I sure as heck wanted to know.

 

Several days later, he came home from work with a large box...and that album award was in it. He had gotten a big bonus at work, called the shop we had been in during vacation several months previous, and asked if the album award was still there. Well, it was...and now it's in our living room.

 

So, that's why I don't think the OP's guy played it wrong by indicating there was a surprise. Was I curious about what my husband was up to? Oh, you betcha. But I also know that he knows me, and I could tell that he was getting pleasure from planning whatever he was planning...so who was I to take that away just because I had to stay in suspense longer than I might've liked?

 

I had a choice to throw a fit and demand to know what was going on and what he was up to...instead I chose to trust him and let him have control of the situation. Because I chose to trust and respect him, we were both able to enjoy the surprise he had worked so hard to plan.