when is enough too much???

[sydny]

Married for a good decade, children, house, a way-above-average sexlife, the perfect couple according to friends, my hubby hit me with a double whammy after christmas. he'd actually been considering an affair with someone from work - and during the discussions on this one, he mentioned he'd been seeing prostitutes. Not often - six maybe seven times since we've been together.Trouble is, five of those times were in the last year!!! It hit me for six - there we were having a great year, and yet he needed to relieve the pressure that was building up!!! He was no longer prepared to live by the rules society was forcing on him, he had behaved himself well for over ten years, his body is his to give to whom he chooses, it' just a man's thing etc etc. I was even told i shouldn't take it personally,it's not my fault, he loves me and can't bear the thought of losing me! And yet when the pressure becomes too much to bear, he needs to go .......!!He tells me not to get so worried and upset, it's not so important, i can't be everything to him and i DO have his kids and house, we share our everydaylife - and that if he's happy and satisfied he can do more and be more for the kids and me!!

 

I just can't help feeling if i'm not good enough on all counts, then maybe its time to look around again!My trust is wobbly, i find it had to believe him, does he REALLY mean it, and i wonder what the hookers can give him that i can't..................

 

Riding this emotional rollercoaster is wearing me out -and i've got to keep it together for all those who depend on me!

It's good to let it all out and to know i'm not alone with this kind of thing!

[honeyspur]

Wow - this is just terrible I am so sorry.

Unfortunately - your ex's response was the most honest one I've heard in awhile. If this is where he wants his life to go _ then so be it.

That probably doesn't mean much at this point because he was still lying to you about the prostitutes.

 

Are you going to get tested for std's? - I would definitely.

 

The only other thing I would be really concerned over is your own anger and wrath and how that could disrupt even more what is already disrupted in your children.

 

I'm sure you realize that you must respect their father when you are around them since his behaviour is not their fault and their relationship to him is not the relationship you have with him.

But it's going to be hard...they have opinions too and what's better than for all of you to band together?

 

Check into therapy - start calling therapists from the phone book and asking questions about money, their technique, etc if you aren't sure how to get started.

Anytime we suffer trauma - the faster we get into therapy, the faster we are on the road to normalcy.

 

Again my deepest condolences and be sure to come back and update us on your situation.

[tylercdurden2004]

Seeing prostitutes? And hes married? Wow this guy is a real DB. I have to say he has zero repsect for you.

 

You can never love more than you respect.

[Dako]

Seeing prostitutes? And hes married? Wow this guy is a real DB. I have to say he has zero repsect for you.

You can never love more than you respect.

 

Absolutely!

 

How can he justify such selfish behavior, while torturing you?

He can't expect you to put up with this.

[treefrogkate]

Wow. Just... wow. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling right now.

 

When we get married, we commit to and expect an exclusive relationship with that person, not that person and his 7 hookers. I can't imagine how he could tell you with a straight face that you shouldn't let it bother you! If he is stressed, he should be talking to you, not going elsewhere to "relieve his pressure"! This is NOT a "guy thing"! This is a "him thing".

 

He is belittling your feelings ("it's not important"?!?) so that you will feel that he is right and he can continue to go about doing what he's doing.

 

I think you should trust your gut feelings on this. It really doesn't sound like he is the least bit ashamed of what he did (is doing?), or that he is willing to stop because it upsets you. If he is willing to go to counseling, then I would recommend it... maybe you can both get to the bottom of why he feels the need to take his problems anywhere outside the marriage. But from what you said anyway, he just wants you to deal with him going off with a prostitute every once in a while, and, for me anyway, that is absolutely unacceptable.

[Rabican]

YOu need to leave him. He has obviously lost any and all respect for you. If he loved and respected you he would honor your feelings and live by them. Not tread all over them.

[sydny]

Thanx much for your input - in times when thinking clearly can be difficult, it does good to hear what others think of this mess....

[quote=treefrogkate;1493134

When we get married, we commit to and expect an exclusive relationship with that person, not that person and his 7 hookers.]

 

Somewhere along the line i was told that if i'd made my 'monogamy-claim' earlier, that i'd said that was one of the 'conditions' of marrying we wouldn't be here today...... he would never have agreed to this.....

 

 

He doesn't seem ashamed - no - he seems to regard it as something he's entitled to, he never meant to let himself be 'cornered', it's something to be done freely....

 

He can even manage to get me to start thinking that maybe 'it ain't so bad' it's just a bit of -pardon the expression - poking around on the side with no real meaning to it, that it doesn't really bother us and our family......

 

Nobody is perfect, i'm no angel myself, but when i got married it meant that i would try just that little bit harder, make just that little bit more effort to make it work, to keep temptations ( and there have been some..) at bay... and until recently i thought we were both doing a good job on that count. We talked about it a lot - how much was tolerable, acceptable - and where the line would be irreperably crossed. We've both had minor slipups, and talked them through....

 

...but damn it - he's destroyed the exclusive intimacy we had, and that makes me so mad.

I hate riding this roller coaster - just can't seem to slow it down enough to get off!!!!

Thanx for ideas, suggestions, opinions - good to feel some support out there!

[Clanger]

My word you are restrained, id have knocked him out with the nearest available item!

 

So if you were to do the same would that be ok.. or then if you fancied his mate and not an escort guy would that be ok...

 

Start of a VERY slippery slope i'd say, tough call with kids involved, but id have been asking him to leave and calling the laywers

 

Very difficult when you have been with someone that long and you depend on them for your lifestyle.. but if you arnt happy about it, dont bite your lip

 

Cx

[EvaGina]

WHAT?

He tells you its ok? Its a guy thing?

Now, dont get me wrong, I have nothing against hookers, but he is married!!! he should be coming to YOU to relive the tension, not a call-girl!!!

 

what a pompus, pig headed swine!!!

 

DO NOT stand for it, his body may be his to give to whom he choosed, true, but your love is for someone who deserves it, but CHEATING ON YOU he has chosen to forefit your relationship...

 

If I was there I would have socked him in the kisser by now... what an unbelieveable PRAT?!!

Words cannot express how angry this made me... sorry about the ranting.

[treefrogkate]

Sorry for the late reply... I'm on travel for work.

 

Somewhere along the line i was told that if i'd made my 'monogamy-claim' earlier, that i'd said that was one of the 'conditions' of marrying we wouldn't be here today...... he would never have agreed to this.....

 

If monogamy was a deal-breaker for him in marriage, he should have discussed this with you before you got engaged, certainly before you got married! I understand the importance of communication in a relationship, and I'm all for not assuming things until you have discussed them... but who honestly thinks that it's going to be ok with their spouse if they are having sex on the side without having it approved prior to it taking place?!? If he wanted an open marriage, he should have talked to you about it.

 

He doesn't seem ashamed - no - he seems to regard it as something he's entitled to, he never meant to let himself be 'cornered', it's something to be done freely....

 

Frankly, if he didn't want to be "cornered", why on earth did he get married? I have a lot of guy friends, and I would be shocked if any of them thought they were entitled to go bang a hooker without their wife knowing.

 

He can even manage to get me to start thinking that maybe 'it ain't so bad' it's just a bit of -pardon the expression - poking around on the side with no real meaning to it, that it doesn't really bother us and our family......

 

But it does bother you. Like you said, it's destroyed the intimacy you had when you believed you were the only person he was "poking". The fact that he hid it for so long makes me believe that, even though he's telling you he's "entitled" to it (which, as far as I'm concerned is a big crock of bull-poo), he knows that it isn't something you would approve of, and that makes it wrong for your marriage.

 

We talked about it a lot - how much was tolerable, acceptable - and where the line would be irreperably crossed.

 

Apparently he wasn't completely honest with you when you were talking about this, or his feelings about your "monogamy-claim" would have come out.

 

I think you need to really think about what you are willing to accept.

 

1. Are you willing to accept him continuing to get "relief" elsewhere? Are you really ok with this idea? If you are, then everyone's happy and there's no problem, apart from...

2. Are you willing to expose yourself to any STDs he might pick up from whoever he's sleeping with? (You can still get them even if he's using condoms... and I seriously hope he is)

3. If you aren't willing to accept this behavior (and I certainly wouldn't fault you for this, I know I would find this completely unacceptable), what does he need to do to get your trust back? Is he willing to do this?

 

Intimacy is so important in a marriage, and the fact that he isn't willing to give up his little "side-projects" tells me that the marriage really isn't a priority to him. If you are not ok with this, there is no reason you should continue to let him walk all over your feelings and make you feel like they are invalid. You have every right to feel how you are feeling, and don't let him tell you otherwise. I've had this happen to me, and it's horrible.

[Locke2121]

And what would he say if you had been sleeping around?

[sydny]

treefrogkate and locke2121,

 

guess what - he said there's a difference to whether he's the one sleeping around or whether it's me!!

 

if i ask for a divorce, he will say no....

....but if i put too much pressure on him, he's gone!!!

 

Can someone see the logic in that - i can't!!

 

Locke2121 - if i were sleeping around he would have a major problem, 'cause he doesn't share!!

 

Ain't life grand?!!

[treefrogkate]

guess what - he said there's a difference to whether he's the one sleeping around or whether it's me!!

 

Surprise surprise.

 

if i ask for a divorce, he will say no....

....but if i put too much pressure on him, he's gone!!!

 

Why do you need to ask? Let the courts handle it and serve him with papers. There's no reason he should be having sex with anyone but you if you're not comfortable with it.

 

Can someone see the logic in that - i can't!!

 

To rational human being, there is no logic in that. But I'd venture to guess that his "logic" is that he can't stand the thought of you sleeping with someone else, but wants to get his jollies wherever and whenever he wants. If this is not ok with you, then you need to tell him that. I would absolutely not be ok with this.

 

Locke2121 - if i were sleeping around he would have a major problem, 'cause he doesn't share!!

 

But you're supposed to? Because it's a "guy thing"? I don't think so. If it's ok for him to place limits on who you're allowed to sleep with, then how on earth is it not ok for you to place the same limits on him?!?

 

Ain't life grand?!!

 

Life is what you make of it. Personally I wouldn't waste another moment of my life worrying about this worthless excuse for a man.

[isisastaria]

I can't even imagine. Get out now before you lose a good guy out there who will actually treat you with some respect.

 

You don't want to age too much before you want to just give up men altogether!

[sydny]

Give up men altogether? No, no - no chance of that happening

...and at the moment I've decided to not give up on my man (yet) either.

 

We are doing some major 'springcleaning' on all levels of our life together, and are tackling the big problems that have come to light first. One,possibly two addictions combined with scars from a childhood that must have been sheer hell at times (particularly compared to mine) have priority here as well as the wellbeing (on all levels) of our kids.

 

It seems we've started off well on this slippery slope - I know there will be slipups and setbacks, but I'm willing - to a certain extent!! - to do this to get us onto a new positive path. Not back where we were - too much has happened - but perhaps a parallel path... It's been some intense weeks - which is why I haven't been posting - but I think so far so good.

 

A lot of you may think I'm a fool for going another round ](*,) - some may wonder why I haven't already walked - but I have reason to believe that by working on it, chances are that the sideprojects will lose their appeal too. The OW already has - she was already demanding and ordering my hubby around as though they'd been married for yonks. VERY bad idea on her part

 

We seem to have come closer through this - time will tell more. I'll keep you posted.

Wish me strength and wisdom to do what is best by all - to make the right choices at the right time.

[karvala]

What is the deal with staying? Is he allowed to continue to see prostitutes (I'm guessing still yes)? Are you allowed to see other people (I'm guessing still no)? If I'm right, then I wish you strength, wisdom, and all the luck in the world, because believe me, you're gonna need it.

[sydny]

The deal with staying is that there is no more deceit, behind-the-back stuff going on. He's not 'allowed' to see prostitutes and I'm not 'allowed' to see other people - but you can't rule other people's lives....

..so it's a matter of trust - on both sides......and if he goes on the sly, I don't need to be sh.holmes to catch him(have my reference points) - then he's OUT!

 

We'll see....

[treefrogkate]

The OW already has - she was already demanding and ordering my hubby around as though they'd been married for yonks. VERY bad idea on her part

 

Wait, was he actually with the woman from work and not simply "considering it"... in addition to the prostitutes?!? How much "release" does one guy need?

 

Sydny, I wish you the best, but I am afraid that you are going to compromise your needs in order to keep your husband. Unless he is agreeing to do things completely on your terms (and if that includes never seeing a prostitute or the other woman again, then so be it), he doesn't deserve you or the second chance you are giving him.

 

I really hope you will both get tested for STIs. And if you have decided to allow him to continue sleeping with "play for pay" women, that you have taken the possibility of catching an STI from him into consideration.

 

I don't care how rough his childhood was, it's not an excuse to have sex with anyone who will take his money and then tell you it's not up to you who he sleeps with and that he never really wanted to be exclusive with you sexually anyway. I went through hell in my first marriage and I never cheated on him. And I would never cheat on my boyfriend. I hope that you will both talk to a professional about this. It seems he has a lot to get over, and that individual counseling may be in order as well as couples.

 

I really hope you can work it out so that you're both happy, but I'm worried for you. Please keep us posted.

[Kalika]

Sydney

I have to say truthfully, I just don't understand where you're coming from at all. He's basically spelling it out for you that he doesn't have any respect for rules or boundaries in general. What on earth has he done to make you think he deserves a second chance??

 

Is he remorseful? No

Has he gone into counseling? No..

Has he ended his affairs? Who knows? Probably not, I'd wager.

 

You're putting your life at risk, you could easily contract something that may be curable but could destroy your ability to have children.. or even worse, something that's permanent or even life threatening..

[midnightrambler]

treefrogkate and locke2121,

 

guess what - he said there's a difference to whether he's the one sleeping around or whether it's me!!

 

if i ask for a divorce, he will say no....

....but if i put too much pressure on him, he's gone!!!

 

Can someone see the logic in that - i can't!!

 

Locke2121 - if i were sleeping around he would have a major problem, 'cause he doesn't share!!

 

Ain't life grand?!!

 

may be time to put that to the test....j/k

[journeyer]

sydny,

It does not really matter if he says it is 'ok'. What you have is supposed to be a partnership and if it is not ok with you, then it is not ok. I think that fidelity is kind of expected in a marriage and not the other way around. It sounds to me like he is on an ego trip and is very selfish. If you are hurting because of this and you obviously are, you need to do something about it. Have you considered just telling him that if he is going to do this, then maybe you should have the same priveledge? My guess is that if he is like other people I have seen on a selfish ego trip like this, the reaction from him will not be positive, because it all about him and his needs, not yours. I am sorry you are going through this, no one should have to be treated that way. My wife is having an affair or multiple affairs right now after over 20 years together and she says things like 'I'm not doing anything to try to hurt you, I just don't know what I want right now.' I don't really know what happens to people that they just stop caring about how they are affecting someone who has loved and trusted them, I think part of the hurt is the complete shock that they could do this to you.

[Cadence308]

Your husband appears to have a sex addiction. I hope that he is getting professional help because it really sounds like he needs it. You don't deserve this. I'm glad that he came clean, but he's put you at risk with STDs and disrespected you and your marriage. I would be out of that marriage so fast!

[herenow]

Even the Bible allows out of a marriage for reasons of sexual infidelity...I believe God understands how you feel and is not cruel enough to expect people to sit by and endure the hurt that cheating brings. It would be perfectly okay if you decided to leave.

 

People do overcome anything and everything, though, so I won't say that it is wrong for you to work on the marriage.

 

I AM very concerned about your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Please follow everyone's advice and get tested for STDs right away--a thorough, thorough testing for everything under the sun--explain the prostitutes to the doctor so they take you seriously (sometimes they see you and think "this nice lady is married--is probably just worried for no reason," and they don't test you for the harder things). Also insist that your husband get tested immediately for everything (again, explaining the prostitutes to the doctor so the doctor knows how seriously to take it) and insist that he keep getting tested at regular intervals for as long as it takes for the TWO of you to know that he has completely beat the problem--plus an extra six months to a year!, even after you both feel that all is okay again! Your children's parents' lives are at risk here. As icky as it may feel to have to be constantly reminded of the physical risks that you are both exposed to, you have to deal with it.

 

If you can deal with the icky physical check-up/reminders of what has happened (I would be too angry to live with him for a long time), and KNOW for a fact that nothing else is happening...

 

then next, I agree with everyone that the two of you will need lots of counseling. Has he expressed a willingness to get help to understand what has led to behavior?

 

I understand the desire to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of your kids. However, kids sense more than we realize when something is wrong between the parents. Imagine ten years from now if you had a daughter who repeated the unconscious pattern of her parents and dated or married into a similar situation as yours, and she found out what had happened in your marriage. Imagine her looking at you as the role model in her life, and asking, "But if you knew, why did you stay, Mom?"

 

What example are you setting for her? For your son(s) as future husbands? If you stay, be crystal clear and honest with yourself about how you believe staying will teach your children what you want them to learn about marriage.

 

I do know that people have worked through this kind of problem, so I believe that it's possible to succeed.

 

I would add that even if it will temporarily disrupt your chidren's routine, you might want to consider getting a place of your own while you and your husband get counseling and figure out what is going on. You will probably be going through a lot of emotional ups and downs (who wouldn't!!!!) as a result of his past actions. He may not be able to handle your emotions very skillfully...

 

You should not have to live with the pressure of pretending that everything is okay when your world has just been turned upside down. You need to give yourself permission to go through the grief and anger process in an honest way, and that's going to take time. If your husband doesn't understand what you are going through, it might be better to stay apart for a while to take care of yourself and respect your emotions, until counseling reveals how deep his love for you is...or isn't.

 

Again...it's not like you're REALLY going to be able to hide things from your kids...they may not be able to verbalize it, but their spirits know.

 

So I hope you will consider the option of getting a place of your own for a while while time and counseling reveal what will happen with your marriage.

 

I'm so sorry for what you have been going through....