BIG RED FLAGS. A list:

[Shiva 2007]

[QUOET=Shiva2007]Hello Kalika, great list, if I may I would like to add some of the red flegs that I encountered:

1) is unreacheable or disappears for 1-2 days without any explanations

2) refuses to bring you to his place of residence while dating

3) refuses to invite you along with his friends

4) only uses his cell phone when not around you

5) calls only at night while giving you the excuse that hi is out shopping for food

6) while around you and receives calls he says I'll call you back

7) offers to buy you things when his financial situation is dire or after stealing your money

8) doesn't share his financial records with you (if living with you)

9) doesn't file income-taxes and clames he does

10) tares everything up he receives in the mail behind closed doors (if living with you)

11) throws away your valentine gifts and you discover it in the garbage (OUCH!)

12) doesn't claim responsibility for his own actions

13) if he steals from you in large sum (10,000 or more) and refuses to give you a detail of expenses, and tells you I have all the receipts (but doesn't show them)

Thanks for your message I think women need to be educated and be on the alert for anything even scam artists.

[Momene]

What about continually asking for advice about your relationship on message boards?

[Siriana]

What about continually asking for advice about your relationship on message boards?

Nothing special. A person doesn't want to change what is necessary at the moment. So she/he vents and that makes her /him feel better (which is not the case when it comes to readers of the post)

[Kalika]

Shiva - Wow.. I definitely hadn't thought about those! I hope those weren't all from personal experience!!

 

What about continually asking for advice about your relationship on message boards?

 

That could indicate a larger problem with the relationship, or it could just be to vent..

[Shiva 2007]

yes all from personal experience, I hope no one goes through it! it nearly destroyed me. But I'm slowly recovering one day at a time. I'm curios though, in your opinion what larger problem with the relationship could it indicate?

 

Shiva - Wow.. I definitely hadn't thought about those! I hope those weren't all from personal experience!!

 

 

 

That could indicate a larger problem with the relationship, or it could just be to vent..

[valiantv]

The void where there was spirituality is being filled with bits of paper with denominations on them.

Unfortunately it's what the bits of paper - or lack thereof - represent that's the problem... The thing is that most people who get stressed and argue about money are the people who have difficulty living... It's not that they worship money, it's just that it's the only thing that the food-givers, landlords or banks, etc. will accept!

[StarLily]

Wow none of those things listed describe my boyfriend... That's awesome!

[Momene]

Nothing special. A person doesn't want to change what is necessary at the moment. So she/he vents and that makes her /him feel better (which is not the case when it comes to readers of the post)

 

 

If people vent and it's too long, I just page down.

 

I posted a while ago but reached the stage where the advice worked as well as it could and I had to do the rest.

[Ash]

goooooooood grief! Let me know when you meet up with the man who has none of the myriad traits listed herein. Better yet, call Oral Roberts and the major television networks. You've just met Jesus Christ - he's baaaack.

 

Ummm ....

 

A. Who says this is just about men??

B. Who said anything about having none of them??

C. Sounds like StarLily has already met your criteria in her guy.

[Ash]

This site has both those seeking advice and those offering it.

 

We're not all angry, some of us try to help others in our own way. I don't know why you see orion as having any more clarity of thought than anybody else for attacking the good that somebody else is trying to do. I also don't understand why you're finding it necessary to try and pull down this thread.

 

This list is not about anger. In exactly the same way somebody can come up with a list of things that might indicate that your car is about to malfunction, this list indicates a bunch of factors about a possibly malfunctioning relationship.

 

Honestly speaking, if you don't want to participate in a positive way in what's happening here then nobody is making you read this, please go post on other threads instead where your insights and observations may perhaps be more valuable.

 

BTW, it's NOT my list. I've merely been posting on this thread.

 

Finally, I hope you realize that in attacking this thread in this manner you are in fact exhibiting some of the red flags on the list you claim not to suffer from. And by extension, so am I of course sadly.

[samiami]

 

 

2) Tells you to shut the F up, or something along those lines

 

4) Talks down to you/treats you like you're stupid.. This may be obvious, but sometimes it's done subtly

 

18 ) Confides in someone or others about serious things

 

19) Tells you your feelings are wrong or inconsequential

 

20 ) Ignores you when you try to talk to them

 

23) Doesn't stand to defend you if others put you down

 

 

 

 

These are the ones that sound like my boyfriend. How many have to match up before you should start worrying?

[evidica]

- People who say they hate their parents

 

I hate my mom, but I dont think that makes me non-datable.

[trash mail]

Of course everyone has a pattern for who they choose to date, but saying that an abused person "chooses" to be with the person abusing them is a ridiculous and dangerous conclusion to come to. I'm having a difficult time comprehending why someone would believe that, and I'm having an even harder time trying to figure out the relevance of your statements.

 

I believe everyone have a choice. To leave or to stay in an abusive relationship. I really don't think it is anything complicated. Yes the abused person is the victim, but IF the victim continues to go back to the abuser then it is a choice that they have made thus they arent so much a 'victim' of circumstance but a victim of their own choice. What is so confusing about that? I don't think it is anything hard to comprehend.

You make it sounds as if the victim doesn't have choices.

 

I suppose a few of you think that i am being negative about this post and thus should not post here, but to me i see this RED FLAG thing as a one sided thing, maybe a deficiency in knowing what is good for you and what isn't good for you. I use an analogy, a fire is hot and it will burn, everytime we see a fire we DON'T pull out a list of RED FLAGS and look up putting hand in fire = hot= burn= pain. It should be instinctual that conclude there will be pain if hand is placd in fire.

What i am saying is that it is ourselves that we have to figure out before we blame the fire for its faults.

 

To be honest, in my opinion, people that has these RED FLAG Tendencies should not even be in your lives because you should have seen it long before the RED FLAG LIST comes out. If you have to pull the list out, you are reacting to a situation that could have been avoided a long time ago but you choose to be in that situation.

 

I dont consider myself as 'attacking' this list but to point out that if you have to continually pull out this list, then maybe you have some work to do on yourself.

[fnlyfrei]

That is the cool part about free speech and women getting the right to vote and freedom of religion and all of that....we can all choose what we read, where we post, and what to believe in. And we can disregard people who might not think like us. It even gives us the right to criticize.

 

Everyone has work to do on themselves. The list was created for someone entering a new relationship or getting to know someone...to possibly save them pain later on. You of all people should be hep to that.

 

I love america.

[sophie274]

I think the list is pretty great. I mean, obviously no one and no relationship is perfect, so I don't think anyone should be scrolling down and reaching over to the phone to call up their SO and dump them if they find a red flag! I think it's normal for all relationships do go through some rough times once in a while.

 

In general, and especially on this site (since it's about relationship problems), there are people who are really blinded by the fuzzy feelings and ignore signs of future trouble in their budding relationships. When you repeatedly find yourself in a terrible situation with re-occurring characteristics, it's useful to make a list like this one to reflect on what you've been ignoring.

 

And by the way, I'm not angry! And not all relationships end because of "red-flags".

[NyGentleman]

How about woman who say "lets just go get married" even if we haven't gotten serious yet...

 

Or those who turn off there feelings for you just when you want things to get serious....(this falls into more of the other one posted above, talks about ex's in the very beginning of the relationship) Note this one, seriously big red flag there...!!!

 

Lastly those who say (after your done being intimate and you ask them why we havent gotten serious yet) say, I'm just not ready, thats all....(ex issues typically) ...

[fnlyfrei]

How about woman who say "lets just go get married" even if we haven't gotten serious yet...

 

 

 

Yeah...I have done that...after a few cocktails. Not good.

[Kalika]

Wow. I haven't been at my computer for a week, but I guess I'll just jump right back in!

 

To be honest, in my opinion, people that has these RED FLAG Tendencies should not even be in your lives because you should have seen it long before the RED FLAG LIST comes out. If you have to pull the list out, you are reacting to a situation that could have been avoided a long time ago but you choose to be in that situation.

 

If you are great at avoiding people that are walking disasters, then the list has no relevance for you. As I have said previously, this is for people who DONT SEE THESE THINGS right away. Sometimes, it takes a while for us to see people for what they truly are. Getting to really know someone is a process, from the first date to marriage and beyond. Most abusers don't beat up a girl on the first date!!

 

I'm sorry, but I guess most people just aren't as perceptive as you. For us less fortunate souls, maybe a list might put things in perspective.

[Kalika]

These are the ones that sound like my boyfriend. How many have to match up before you should start worrying?

 

Sami - Personally, it sounds like you already ARE worrying.. So if this list helps ONLY you, I'll be happy! How long have you been together?

[kungfuAdam]

I don't know if I agree with most of this post... no one is perfect. You obviously fall in love with someone for a reason. I think it's important to remember those reasons and accept them for who and what they are - their virtues and their flaws.

 

A "red flag" is a subjective term in my opinion. It all depends on the individual's tolerance. Substance abuse or addiction, for example, is a huge red flag for me. I would drop someone in a heart beat over such a thing no matter how much I cared about them. That may not be the case for everyone. Conversely, someone who told me they didn't feel like they were good enough for me would just seem to have some insecurity issues. I would definitely try to work through it with them.

 

That's just my view of course... for what it's worth.

[Kalika]

A "red flag" is a subjective term in my opinion. It all depends on the individual's tolerance. Substance abuse or addiction, for example, is a huge red flag for me. I would drop someone in a heart beat over such a thing no matter how much I cared about them. That may not be the case for everyone. Conversely, someone who told me they didn't feel like they were good enough for me would just seem to have some insecurity issues. I would definitely try to work through it with them.

 

kungfu - Whether or not you would leave them isn't what the list is about.. It's just pointing out that it's something to watch out for, so that if you do choose to stay with that person, it may be a bumpy road so be prepared... but of course many people choose to stay. It's just about making an "informed" choice, so to speak.

[mia1207]

^^^ My ex.

God... why did I cling on for so long?

 

Hi Eva: Gina:

 

So please tell me I am not crazy or demanding for being upset with my now ex because he violated #11, 18 (I think with his ex), 22, 24 (only hugs me or holds my hand in private), 28 (always late, never makes plan not even on NYE), 30, 32, not to mention he never brought me to see his family in the alsmost 2 years we've dated.

[Wotgorilla]

Great list!!!!!!

 

 

Dan on Long Island.

[NaNOx9]

-Doesn't trust people

-Has few if any "real" friends

-Loses temper/irritated easily

-Frequent mood swings

-Vacillating opinions of others

-Has dated "a lot" of people

-Previously flirted with you when he/she was in another relationship

-Tells you other people are telling him/her about your own red flags

-Uses people

-Admits to doing things for people for ulterior motives

-Admits to being selfish

-Makes elaborate plans and flakes

[Kalika]

Wow, this list is still alive. That's cool.