Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 After reading many of these threads, I thought I'd compile a list of big red flags. Some of them are obvious, some are not. Keep in mind, most of these big red flags don't go away, they just get worse! (Thanks Syrix, for reminding me to add that disclaimer Edit: Many of these can be overcome, but if you have a partner that is displaying several or many of these red flags, there's a greater likelihood that you should reconsider dating this person... You should be concerned if your partner: 1) Swears at you or calls you names 2) Tells you to shut the F up, or something along those lines 3) Refuses to bring you around his/her family after you've been together a while 4) Talks down to you/treats you like you're stupid.. This may be obvious, but sometimes it's done subtly 5) Spends more time with his/her friends than with you 6) Tells you they are a jerk 7) Tells you of past infidelity (and points the finger of blame at their partner for it) 8 ) Has friends that encourage infidelity 9) threatens suicide or self-harm 10 ) Calls himself or herself stupid or undeserving of your love 11) Ignores you/doesn't do anything special for you on important holidays/your birthday 12) Flirts with your friends in front of you 13) Communicates with you mostly through email or texts 14) Can't communicate with you unless drunk 15) Expects you to pay for everything and doesn't chip in 16) Drinks or does excessive amounts of drugs 17) Talks down to you in front of his/her friends 18 ) Confides in someone or others about serious things 19) Tells you your feelings are wrong or inconsequential 20 ) Ignores you when you try to talk to them 21) Tells you they get over relationships quickly and will have someone else soon if you break up with them 21) Physically hurts or assaults you in some way 22) Threatens to leave you if you wont have sex with them 23) Doesn't stand to defend you if others put you down 24). Only lets you communicate with them at certain times or places 25) Is married, but telling you they're going to separate or divorce eventually 26) Spends excessive amounts of money that they dont have 27) Has no job (and is not in school) and has no immediate plans to contribute somehow 28 ) Never makes plans with you, or repeatedly flakes out on your plans without good reason 29) Lies repeatedly to you or others, even about minor things 30) Is not there for you when you are having problems (death in the family, illness, work, etc) 31) Has left you for someone else, or cheated on you in the past 32) Pressures you to do sexual things you don't want to do 33) Tells another person or others about your sex life I'm sure I missed many important things.. care to add? Comments? Link to comment
Lboogie23 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 number six, fourteen, sixteen and nineteen are all my red flags for my fiance. I have always known to myself that they were red flags but i guess i still hope they will just magically go away.... Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Additional info: red flags don't dissappear. They're a sign of a person that is not dating material. They're just the beginning. It gets worse! Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 number six, fourteen, sixteen and nineteen are all my red flags for my fiance. I have always known to myself that they were red flags but i guess i still hope they will just magically go away.... You said he's your fiance... have you been having doubts about marrying him?? Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Additional info: red flags don't dissappear. They're a sign of a person that is not dating material. They're just the beginning. It gets worse! Yeah, I'll add that in the original post Link to comment
flower99 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 an additional one, my ex had. He was ALWAYS plays the victim, every job he's lost at least 10 jobs in 2 years, was NEVER his fault. Every debt he had was the banks fault. He never accepted responsiblity for his life. Link to comment
Lboogie23 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 yes, but we have two children together. this complicates things. plus there is a lot of good to him besides the "RED FLAGS". its hard.. Link to comment
flower99 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Excellent post, very well thought out...I like it kalika Question though. My finacee does #10. He says things like he's a loser or stupid & says he doesn't deserve me & doesn't know why I'm with him. He's a wonderful man in everyway...Do you think this a serious red flag??? what can I or should I do? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Here's some more: 34) Only gives you his cellphone or work number, and won't take you to his house (potentially married and lying about it). 35) Doesn't answer his cell when you're around, and sneaks off to take calls or text someone else (possible cheater). 36) Only dates at odd times, and other times is off limits and totally unavailable, or goes incognito for spells of time or weekends (another girlfriend or cheater). 37) You catch him in multiple lies, big or small, or he lies about his history or former relationships. Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 - People who say they hate their parents - People who say they hate their dogs - People who think how the world is against them, how everything infront of them is going to be an obstacle invented to prevent them for getting what they want - people who talk about their ex'es on the first date - people who have a certain reputation or a rumor goes around how they're players, manipulative, cheaters.... proceed with caution - people who have huge plans of becoming someone important but not doing anything in that direction except talk - britney spears rule: people who left their pregnant gf's or gf's with newborns not because they had no other options but to be with someone else - guys who don't give you something as a sign of how they care for birthday, christmas, valentines - people who claim how they have no friends (it makes you wonder why?) Link to comment
Ash Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Excellent post, very well thought out...I like it kalika Question though. My finacee does #10. He says things like he's a loser or stupid & says he doesn't deserve me & doesn't know why I'm with him. He's a wonderful man in everyway...Do you think this a serious red flag??? what can I or should I do? I don't think 10 is a big one really. That speaks more to a lack of self confidence and that IS something that can generally be rectified. As his fiancee, you're in the best position to hepl him get past that one. Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Excellent post, very well thought out...I like it kalika Question though. My finacee does #10. He says things like he's a loser or stupid & says he doesn't deserve me & doesn't know why I'm with him. He's a wonderful man in everyway...Do you think this a serious red flag??? what can I or should I do? There are several possible concerns. The biggest one is that insecure people tend to seek security wherever they can get it. Sometimes that manifests in the form of emotional or physical affairs, etc.. Or another problem may be that you are always having to provide him reassurance.. One thing that couldn't hurt is premarital counseling for you both, before you take that walk down the aisle. Link to comment
astaro Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 18 ) Confides in someone or others about serious things i dont see how that is a red flag Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 yes, but we have two children together. this complicates things. plus there is a lot of good to him besides the "RED FLAGS". its hard.. I definitely think that while some of these red flags may be serious, others can be worked on.. have you talked to him about counseling? Especially with two kids, it's important that you feel comfortable about sharing your concerns and opinions with him Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 18 ) Confides in someone or others about serious things i dont see how that is a red flag It is. If you're left out of it. If you're not the one included in that too. Than you know he's not interested/she in long term relationship or there is a connection missing. Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 18 ) Confides in someone or others about serious things i dont see how that is a red flag I'll clarify: I'm referring to emotional infidelity.. Or in general, just turning outside the partnership for support. So for example, if I have problems iwth my boyfriend and run around telling all my friends but not discussing it with him, that's pretty disrespectful Flower - I DEFINITELY hear you on that never taking responsibility thing. I HATE that!! I had an ex that did the same thing. It got so bad that I started referring to him as "D!ck Victim" because he was always acting like a jerk and yet everyone else was always doing him wrong. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 18 ) Confides in someone or others about serious things i dont see how that is a red flag if s/he is talking to others about your problems and not you if s/he is talking about your relationship problems to someone completely unsuitable (an ex, or someone who has a crush on them or somthing) Link to comment
rocio Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I'm guilty of #1, 4 and 33. Should I be concerned? Link to comment
flower99 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 There are several possible concerns. The biggest one is that insecure people tend to seek security wherever they can get it. Sometimes that manifests in the form of emotional or physical affairs, etc.. Or another problem may be that you are always having to provide him reassurance.. One thing that couldn't hurt is premarital counseling for you both, before you take that walk down the aisle. oh no, i don't think he'd never cheat.(i'm sure many of said that though...lol ) He's been hurt a number of times in the past by unfaithful women. He knows the feeling. He is very Loyal & respectful....but I do think he is insecure I do feel sometimes I have to provide him with a lot of reassurance... But yes we are definietly going to do premarital counseling (: Oh and thank you Ash...that was comforting...any suggestions on how to get past it? (sorry I'm getting off topic here...you can PM me if you preffer) Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Well not for 33 if you're saying just how good it is (or big lol) j/k Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 I'm guilty of #1, 4 and 33. Should I be concerned? I guess it should concern you if you want to have good relationship communication.. That kind of anger isn't really productive. It might make you feel better, but it's toxic to your communication.. I've definitely been guilty of some of these at certain times, but this is my new Bible, and I'm swearing by it! And yeah, #33 only refers to problems in the bedroom Or telling really personal details that your S/O probably wouldn't want others to know. Link to comment
Kalika Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 OK I just thought of another one. -Tells you about others (that you know) that they are attracted to or would want to sleep with.. (as opposed to someone famous and unattainable)... That's just not smart people....... Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 ^^^ My ex. God... why did I cling on for so long? Link to comment
Ash Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I'm guilty of #1, 4 and 33. Should I be concerned? I hear #1 on rare occasions. It does bother me but it's not sincere and I understand. I'd be concerned if it's all frequent or meant to be nasty. If you do something stupid, then expect #4 to be invoked!! I don't have an issue at all with #33 being done particularly. Depends on your openess towards sex etc. Again though, there's a right and a wrong way to go about this. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I ignored the not meeting the family...(even though I knew his sister, he never told her we were dating...(duh) Our dates were mostly after 9pm, once a week on MY side of town...he ALWAYS had excuses for not seeing me on weekends...basically, I am very sure he had someone else at the same time and was hiding me...and using me. I spent many weekends home alone crying. I feel like an idiot now for trusting him. I am not so trusting anymore. (to my detriment?) Do you think someone who is infatuated with someone pays attention to the signs anyhow...?? Or explains it away like I did at the time....even though I was obviously totally being treated like bathroom soap scum. I am going to have to read your list again...to make sure there are no flags waving now ! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.