BIG RED FLAGS. A list:

[rocio]

I guess it should concern you if you want to have good relationship communication.. That kind of anger isn't really productive. It might make you feel better, but it's toxic to your communication..

 

I've definitely been guilty of some of these at certain times, but this is my new Bible, and I'm swearing by it!

 

And yeah, #33 only refers to problems in the bedroom Or telling really personal details that your S/O probably wouldn't want others to know.

 

Okay, I'm safe on #33 then.

 

I know I should work on my temper. But honestly, I would rather say, "FU, you freaking loser!" in a moment of rage than to say something truly hurtful. When alot of people lose their temper, they say things that they know the other person is sensitive about. When I lose my temper, I'll swear and yell but I still have enough self-control not to say those things that I'll really regret later.

 

Still, I know the swearing is unacceptable and kinda trashy.

[flower99]

Do you think someone who is infatuated with someone pays attention to the signs anyhow...?? Or explains it away like I did at the time....even though I was obviously totally being treated like bathroom soap scum. I am going to have to read your list again...to make sure there are no flags waving now !

 

I'm so sorry...what a jerk.

 

I definietly think that when people are infatuated with someone we tend to ignore or dismiss the red flags. (i know I'm guilty of it)

but I think after you get burned a few times, you learn. And you begin to pay more attention to how serious they really are & stop yourself from getting emtionally involed when you see the signs of a possible scum bag.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

- Talks about marriage and children and how he wants them both with you...on the first conversation, let alone first date.

- Talks disparagingly about women in general, about how emotional they are, how stupid they are, etc.

- Won't kiss you anymore after you become intimate

- Continually seeks reassurance from you

- Does not want you to talk to friends or family

- Does not respect your boundaries; tries to cajole you or change your mind (if it's the creepy kind, you'll know it)

- Gets flustered easily...you find yourself calming them down a lot or talking sense to them a lot or defending yourself a lot.

[Kalika]

It is definitely hard to be objective when you're dealing with someone you care about ...

 

I have another one:

 

-Excessive porn/webcamming/phone sex/whatever... If the relationship lacks intimacy, but this stuff is going on, this is definitely a big red flag

[Kalika]

Talks about marriage and children and how he wants them both with you...on the first conversation, let alone first date.

 

yahh!!! This sounds obvious, but a lot of my girlfriends have heard this one on the first date, and it doesn't sound an alarm bell! Or else it's "I love you so much!" (after 2 weeks of dating...)

[orion]

I understand that listing "RED FLAGS" is important, but it seems we're all pretty angry here. Have you just come out of a relationship and feel making a list helps you feel better? I am just curious, because writing stuff down does make people feel better.

 

I have only been in one serious relationship, but I sense that the need to create a list stems from the fact one has had too many boyfriends/girlfriends and maybe has serious personal issues. I mean why are you creating such an angry list? What are you so angry about? You have working plumbing, access to food, electricity, fresh water...what more could you want?

 

Sometimes people are in places where they are around the same kind of people ALL the time. In such a community it would make sense that people would stay the same, act the same.....maybe a change of scenery or something can help change a frustrated view.

 

My relationship ended half a year ago, but if I wanted toget mad at her, I can come to a site like this and make a silly list that I need to watch out for girls who are controlling, selfish, etc....but that just means I am being foolishly angry. My ex was incredibly smart, an excellent communicator, and incredibly thoughtful. My relationship ended peacefully for mutual reasons and we talked things through, that is how we both were.

 

I guess I am trying to wonder why it is so important for you to come up with such a negative list?

[Zaphod]

1 : That list is far too long and unreasonable to make it possible for anyone to ever have a relationship ever. Most of those things, or at least a lot of them I bet everyone on this forum has done at one time or another - whetehr it be under stress or for another reason.

 

2 : The statement "Keep in mind, most of these big red flags don't go away, they just get worse! " is a sweeping generalization and unfair IMHO.

[EvaGina]

I think you two are missing the point

 

There are many people who lie back and take bad treatment, not standing up for themselves.

This is to put all that bad treatment into perspective.

 

OF COURSE our partners will do one or two of these things from time to time, we are all only human... The list is more to illistrate ONGOING and unacceptable behaviour.

[orion]

But what is the need to create this list? You'll only search for these things more than you ever did now in the people you interact with and may end up not having a fruitful friendhsip/relationship because you were only focusing on RED FLAGS, just a thought.

[EvaGina]

But what is the need to create this list? You'll only search for these things more than you ever did now in the people you interact with and may end up not having a fruitful friendhsip/relationship because you were only focusing on RED FLAGS, just a thought.

 

Thats not the point of it at all!!

If someone wants to asses their partners like that, they will do it with or without the list.

 

The list is for people who are in doubt about their relationship to look at and go "wow, I cant believe how badly he treats me, I havnt been taking notice of all the individual nasty little things he does"

 

or

"maybe Im worrying for nothing, he has done a few mean things mentioned here, but they werent done maliciously"

 

Its a point of reference.

[Kalika]

Frankly, what's wrong with judging someone that talks down to me all the time? Or uses drugs or alcohol to cope with things, or doesn't want to be around me and would rather be around his friends...

 

I mean, to say that you don't judge those you date is ridiculous. Otherwise you'd date anyone and everyone. We all judge. It's natural. Frankly, I think some people should be MORE judgmental of their dating partners, not less.

 

I also don't see this list as negative at all, not in the least. And Orion, you sort of insinuated that it was a list that was about men, but that's not at all the case. I never said to watch out for MEN that are controlling, foolish, etc. This applies equally to men and women. And it's not intended to bash anyone specifically. It's purpose is only to get people to start thinking about their own relationships and ask themselves if what is happening in their relationship is healthy or potentially toxic to themselves or their partners, and to see the patterns of their relationships and decide if the positive outweighs the negative.

 

Zaph - Of course, we all get angry and use bad language or cuss someone else out from time to time. The point is, when it's an ongoing thing, or when you are being neglected/abused/mistreated in any way, or constantly mistreating someone else, that's something to pay attention to.

 

Oftentimes it's not just one single Big Red Flag that sends someone running. It's a combination of things that happen. For example, a lack of respect can manifest itself in many ways: talking down to someone, cheating on them, flirting with others right in front of them, lying to them, etc.

[EvaGina]

The list is to illustrate ONGOING and unacceptable behaviour.

 

But what is the need to create this list?

 

LOL

made me giggle

[Kalika]

Orion -

I don't mean this to sound disrespectful, but I think you need to have at least several relationships in order to get the validity of this. Many of the people on this board, myself included, have had more than one serious relationship. And we know how bad things can get if you don't watch out for the warning signs.

 

Personally, I've dated men that did tons of the things on this list, and ignored it. I just didn't know any better, my self esteem was in the toilet, and I just wanted to be loved. I wish I knew then what I knew now.

 

Keep in mind that any one thing on that list can be overcome in a relationship: drug/alcohol addiction, infidelity, deceit... but when they happen in combinations (ex: cheating and persistent dishonesty, etc) it is much harder to keep the relationship above water.

[Zaphod]

Zaph - Of course, we all get angry and use bad language or cuss someone else out from time to time. The point is, when it's an ongoing thing, or when you are being neglected/abused/mistreated in any way, or constantly mistreating someone else, that's something to pay attention to.

 

Then this should be added to the original post to make it clear.

At the moment it looks like "if your partner does these things at all then worry".

It should be made clear that if your partner does these things more than a certain amount, then worry, or does more than x things on the list for example , or something.

[fnlyfrei]

How about this as a warning sign....a partner who is REALLY paranoid of red flag lists?

[EvaGina]

How about this as a warning sign....a partner who is REALLY paranoid of red flag lists?

 

AHHHHHHHHHH HA HA

 

A partner who overly picks on your faults? Read too much into mistakes? expects perfection?

[fnlyfrei]

Okay, okay, that wasn't nice of me. But I am sure the "Red Flag" list applies to females AND males. I think some people feel picked on here.

[EvaGina]

Okay, okay, that wasn't nice of me. But I am sure the "Red Flag" list applies to females AND males. I think some people feel picked on here.

 

no one said it only applies to men or women...

but I think you have a point, there SHOULD be a red flag for partners who are overly demanding of perfection, do not forgive small transgressions

[daredevil]

Sometimes love blinds people to see the problems in the relationship, and the list should be for them, I don't think it should be necessary for others to have a list as long as they use their own experiences. I don't need anybody to tell me what I should or should not see as failures in a person, it's things I learn throughout my experiences. In order to become a better man you need to experience things and make your actions from what you experience, not from a list which tells you of potential problems. If you focus too much on a list you can certainly always find a problem, and doesn't a quote say something like:

 

link removed link removed, Reverse Psychology for Success

 

link removed link removed, Reverse Psychology for Success

 

link removed link removed (1380 - 1471)

 

Experience is the gift to recognize the mistake the second time you make it.

[Kalika]

Where does perfectionism fit into this?? There isn't a red flag for someone who wears mismatched socks, or doesn't style their hair the way you want them to, or for someone who doesn't like the same music as you, etc. This has nothing to do with perfection and I'm kind of surprised that some people are equating this list with perfection.. Someone can be an amazing partner for you and yet can also be very different from what you initially thought would be "perfect". It is also true that someone who doesn't cheat on you, lie to you, or hurt you physically or emotionally can also be very wrong for you.

 

 

As far as people feeling picked on ... well, this isn't even telling you that you should break up with someone if you see the flags waving high. All this is suggesting is, keep your eyes open, don't be naive to what's going on in front of you, and realize that even with counseling, some of these relationship problems can't be cured for everyone.

[EvaGina]

So you dont think there should be a red flag for someone who wont forgive their partner for being 20 mins late, even if they have a reasonable excuse?

THATS what I mean about having a flag for perfectionists.

[Kalika]

So you dont think there should be a red flag for someone who wont forgive their partner for being 20 mins late, even if they have a reasonable excuse?

THATS what I mean about having a flag for perfectionists.

 

I think I mentioned this in the list somewhere. I think if the person blows you off repeatedly, or is perpetually late with no good reason, that's a big red flag. It's just rude.

 

If it only happens occasionally, I don't see a problem.

 

Like I said earlier, the real relationship shows through if there's a bunch of big red flags operating together. I don't think lateness, in and of itself, is necessarily bad nor is it a reason to get all paranoid about the relationship. But if someone's always blowing you off/late, and then does other things to disrespect you, then you should look deeper into whether the relationship can survive.

 

If you're in a relationship and you want to forgive whatever transgression has occurred, that's up to you completely. As long as you're not in denial about what's happening, and you make a conscious choice to overcome those obstacles. Sometimes, what happens is that people will say, "My boyfriend always tells me to shut the F up" .. but then they deny that he's verbally abusive. Or they come up with excuses to justify other bad behavior..

 

In black and white, it is what it is.

[savoie]

i think red flags can also come in the form of what APPEARS to be the perfect companion. if early on that person caters to your every need, is there for you in difficulties - essentially puts you on a pedestal, makes you feel as though their world revolves around yours, showers you with gifts and talks in grandiose terms about themselves......it COULD be a sign of a narcissistic control freak.

 

some of these behaviors individually or even combined are just part of the honeymoon period. but nobody stays the supergiver forever. in my observations - the people who go overboard in the beginning end up showing their true side eventually and it often times will result in a controlling and/or passive aggressive abusive person.

 

if someone is trying to impress me too much - i definitely smell a rat.

[Kalika]

if someone is trying to impress me too much - i definitely smell a rat.

 

That's true savoie.. and then when they start to show their true (bad) colors, that's where you'll start to see the listed behaviors coming in...

[sasha_faye]

where was this post when i needed it six months ago?

 

numbers 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 20, 23, 24, 26, 30, 31, 33 all happened to me...

 

i should've ended it a long time ago. i feel so stupid that i gave someone so unworthy my devotion.