Hello,
I have a question/issue regarding a fundamental difference in personality traits between myself and my girlfriend. I'm on the fence with whether or not this issue is a deal breaker or something that can be worked through with a little more understanding on my part. I would definitely prefer the latter because I am very much in love with her.
After about four months together it is becoming more and more apparent to me that she is quite painfully evasive when it comes to conflict. Lately there have been many scenarios when I can tell that something is suddenly eating her up but I just can't get her to talk about it. When this happens I let it ride out for a while, maybe an hour maybe the majority of the day, hoping that she will get over it of her own accord. Most of the time this doesn't happen, however, so I confront her eventually at which point she becomes severely irritated and avoids talking or even looking at me altogether. A conflict usually ensues from here where she'll either leave or ignore me until she crawls back into my arms and apologizes as if nothing happened at all. I can't get her to tell me what was going on even after the fact. Her response to my "What was wrong?" or "What was wrong?" is ALWAYS "I don't know."
The other night we had a pretty big fight which started the same way. It began in my bed after going out for a while and ended in her car with me practically begging her not to leave. That night I began to realize that she simply does not like taking a head-on approach to conflict whereas I'm quite a bit more willing to hash it out even if it means dealing with some conflict. I told myself then that I would respect this difference. I let her know also that when she shuts me out without reason as to why (aside from blaming it on her own mood swings or nothing at all) it makes me feel like she is simply becoming annoyed with me over petty things which is an indicator of the relationship starting to die. She reassured me that her love for me was as strong as ever and that she was in fact "love sick" over me most of the time. In most of the similar conflicts she's been very apologetic, even bringing me cards or stuffed animals or letters of apology. She tells me that she loves the way I make her feel and that no man has ever treated her so well. She says has never been in love like this before (she's not the type for idle words either... it wasn't until our third month after spending almost every waking moment together that she confessed her love to me). She drives 45 minutes to my house every night after work as I live in the city and do not own a car. She always goes out of her way in an effort to see me. She calls me from work when she gets a break every single day. All things considered, it seems to me that she's sincere when she says that she's not just getting sick of me or anything like that.
Despite the ability to rationalize all of this, I have to admit that it does stir up some insecurity in me when she acts this way. The only other possibility that occurs to me is that there are some things I do which hurt her or bother her but she is possibly too proud to admit that it bothers her, too affraid of starting a conflict or a confrontation... perhaps it's a combination of these and other things. After going to bed with things seemingly perfect between us last night I woke up to her in one of these moods again. I can't imagine that there was something I'd done in my sleep to make her angry with me but she was definitely hostile with me. Later, I tried calling her from work but she admittedly ignored my calls for a while. This has all gotten much more frequent over the last two weeks or so. Before that this might have only happened three times in the 4 months I was with her. Something also worth noting is that she recently changed her birth control brand which could be causing the more frequent mood swings but I can't disregard the fact that there must be some kind of trigger causing the sudden swings even if she is, perhaps, more sensitive to it.
I guess I'm just wondering if this is hopeless... if she's so afraid of conflict that she will never talk about the things I do that bother her and there will always be this blind conflict. Would it be helpful or even healthy if I were to stop trying to confront her when she's like this and do it her way, letting everything play out as it will? I am so much in love with her but I'm pretty much out of ideas now and on the brink of giving up. The relationship in the past two weeks has caused us both more grief than it has given us joy... I don't want that for her or myself. I'm just hoping there is some way to reconcile.
I apologize for the lengthy post. For those who are patient enough to read through it, your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
