How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire

[kamurj]

Dear eNotAloners the topic of this "Ask the Expert" discussion is "How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire". You may post your questions for Rhonda now in this thread. Rhonda will start posting answers tomorrow and the discussion will be open until Tuesday.

 

 

About Rhonda Findling

 

 

Rhonda has appeared as a relationship expert on several national talk shows including Ricki Lake, Geraldo, Maury Povitch, Eye Witness News, Good Day New York, Carnie, Ilyana, Tempest and Judith Regan Tonight. She has appeared on radio shows nationwide. She has led workshops and seminars throughout New York and L.A. including the Learning Annex, the 92nd St. Y and Hazelden.

 

Rhonda has been featured in the New York Post, Los Angeles Times, Newsday, Rocky Mountain News, Cosmopolitan magazines, Latina Magazine and Today's Black Woman. Her articles have appeared in Complete Woman Magazine and Essense.

 

Rhonda was a psychotherapist on the staff of Post Graduate Center for Mental Health in New York for 13 years. Rhonda also worked as a psychologist for the State of New York for three years. She was a counselor for Victims Information Bureau where she counseled victims of rape, sexual assault, and spouse abuse. She taught psychology and counseling classes at Marymount College in New York City. Rhonda has a Masters Degree in clinical psychology and is certified as a rehabilitation counselor. She's been in private practice 16 years and is available for in-person and phone consultations.

[annie24]

Hi Rhonda - Thank you for taking time to answer questions on eNotalone. Here is one that I've been encountering fairly recently in my dating life. How important is chemistry to a relationship? If a couple has been dating for several months and they get along well, but doesn't feel very strong chemistry, should they call it quits? Or what if people feel very intense chemistry for each other. Is that possibly a warning sign, especially if they aren't compatible in some other ways?

 

In terms of dating and new relationships, how much should you listen to your head, and how much to your heart?

 

Thanks so much in advance for answering our questions!

[pinballwizard]

Okay, I have a very good friend, we've been hanging out for a while. But when we first started hanging out, everyone would tell me "You should totally ask her out (and other, more idiotic and more vulgar re-phrasings of this)." After a while, people finally realized that we had no romantic interest in each other, and stopped "encouraging" me.

 

But recently, she's (quite obviously) began to make moves to try to get closer. But it's fairly ambiguous, nothing would lead me to believe she's suddenly developed romantic inclinations towards me. Around the same time, people started up the, "You two should date" crap again, which bugged me, I thought people were past that. Then something weird happened, one of my friend's was talking to one of her friend's about my romantic life, or lack-thereof (why, I don't know). Then her friend said to him, "Would he say yes if *she* asked him out." He then called me up and told me what she said.

 

And that's my problem. Should I take all this at all seriously, or just chalk it up to people being idiots (that happens a lot, I am in high school)? I really value my friendship with her, and wouldn't want to jeopardize it by asking her out.

[daisy77]

Hi Rhonda,

 

I've visited your web site and read an article that I found very interesting. To my surprise, it actually reminds me of my behavior during (and after) a previous relationship. It's titled "Obsession with the Rejecting Beloved" by Elizabeth E. Mintz.

 

I have the tendencies as described in the article. Or, at least I used to have them. Not in a crazy stalker like way, or anything like that. But in a way that is all-consuming and not healthy at all.

 

I haven't opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship since my previous bad experience (which was several years ago) because I am afraid of finding myself in the same situation again: me wanting someone, and being all consumed with someone, who turns out to be indifferent toward me.

 

Is there any advice you can give me? I have dealt with my past bad experience in many ways, and I want a healthy relationship, but I still don't feel very confident that the past won't be repeated. And that's holding me back.

 

Thank you.

[warhuhwow]

Wow, don't get this opportunity too often. Thanks for offering your time to answers questions here.

 

Anyway, I'm totally at a loss. I don't know what to do. Put simply, I have feelings for someone and don't know how/if I should tell her. I would normally have no problem making my move but these are the things that complicate the matter:

 

-I've known her for ten years and it's hard to make the leap from friend to more.

 

-We go to different universities so live 60-90 minutes from each other. In the last two years, I've seen her only five times - three of which have been in the last three months.

 

-I want to make a move in person, not tell her; however I seem incapable of doing it. Even when I'm drunk, without inhibitions and alone with her in her room, while she's telling me how special I am, I cannot pluck up the courage to make a move.

 

-She's shy, and there are plenty of signs she feels the same, but also signs that she doesn't. I know there's a couple of other guys that she likes from what other people have said.

 

-Guys seem to queue up to tell her they love her. I don't want to suffer the indignity of being added to that list, nor do I want her to lose a friendship to yet another guy having unrequited feelings.

 

-In June I'm leaving the country for four months to work. When I get back however, I may well be living in the city she lives in now. She may or may not still be there.

 

Wow I've made this far too long. I don't know if I should make a move, and if I should, I can't seem to do it and often think it would be best to chicken out and send a letter saying "hi, I like you more than a friend so I'm gonna back off and get over you" without even bothering to find out how she feels.

 

Any help? Even if you don't answer this particular questions, thankyou for your time.

[Pinkbubbles]

Hi,

 

My relationships in the past have been anything but ideal, especially my most recent ones. My last 2 boyfriends cheated on me (one emotionally and the other physically). Anyways I have super trust issues when it comes to men, so I tend ot shut myself off.

 

My situation right now involves one of my older brothers best friends. Through his friendship with my brother I have come to trust him and develop a friendship with him aswell, eventhough right from the get go he has insisted that we would end up together. He has even gone as far as to ask me to marry him and then say that eventhough I wont now that we will someday. I have been reluctant to get involved with him because I didnt want to make anything awkward between my brother and I or my brother and him. To make a long story short my brother has given us permission, even talked to me about how good of a guy his friend is and how well he thinks he would treat me.

 

Now that I know its ok I'm more than willing to try something out with him. The worry for me is that I already completely trust him and I'm afraid that without the barrier up I'm more prone to get hurt. Also we have such a good relationship already I'm afraid that this is going to jeopordize it, now that I'm showing interest in him he seems to be pulling away almost (its hard to describe without too much detail).

 

I dont want to lose him in anyway from my life, but I feel like they way our relationship has developed so far it could grow into something amazing.

 

I'm not sure if you can get a question out of that, either way any advice would be awesome!

[Creamybutter]

Hi,

 

I feel a bit gulty about talking about such a trivial matter, but it has kept me wondering for a long time. I used to work with this guy, an incredibly outgoing, loud and fun person, who used to turn into a really shy and nervous person aroud me. We have flirted on and off, He used to come to my desk almost every other day either to borrow stuff or "ask a question", lame attempts to make conversation and flirt around. He used to give me these intense looks a lot, ones that would make me feel like really heavy as if he was trying to say something to me. He seemed more serious about "us", whereas I just found it amusing at work.But in time, I developed a crush on him.

 

Anyways, so I quit my job, and the last few days, we didnt really make a deal about it, allthough he did come talk to me about work, and throughout he was laughing/smiling because we both knew what he was doing. Most times, hed call me and ask me something and then go on to justify why he had called me, because he also knew it was a stupid reason. Plus that gave him extra time to talk, and I would listen.

 

Finally last day, I left and since he wasnt really saying/doing anything about it, I decided to not say anything either. Afterall, we didnt know each other that well. He was around me a lot on the last day, but he didnt talk to me!

A few weeks later, I sent a group email wishing all my colleagues for the season, and decided to add him in the list. Never got a reply to that.

 

Its been more than a month,(I had almost forgotten about it all) and out of the blue, he replies wishing me back, and asking me how things are with me.

So, I take the plunge and reply back with a short n sweet email, and ask him how work is etc. Its been 2 weeks and I havent recd his email to that yet.

 

The entire email thing got me thinking of him again. Why are guys like this?

thanks !! Sorry, I hope my post doesnt seem too silly and immature.

[hosswhispra]

Hi Rhonda-

 

Do you think there is someone out there for everyone AND do you think that one finds love when they least expect it? And lastly, what are your feelings about women taking the initiative and asking men out?

 

Thanks in advance!

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

What if the one you disire only sees you as a mate? Or the one you desire is after your best friend? Just two situations that love to occur when love and i are involved Thanks.

[eclipse01]

hey rhonda

i lost my girlfriend because i feel things have changed but i need her desperately back. we are always on and off but now we are really off. it seems like she doesnt care anymore to get back together but she says she wouldnt date anyone else and when we tried going back out again last week she would say she loved me and be affectionate with me but now refuses to answer. why is that and how do i get her back in my life.

 

thanks.

[mikeca]

Hi and Thank you Rhonda,

I recently had a girlfriend who was a victim of rape in her past. When she first told me she said in fact she got away. Eventually we broke up and got back together where then in fact she told me she was raped. She seems fine yet there were times she cringed at my touch and told me she needed to deal with these issues. she broke up with me and I tried to remain support and encourage her to resolve these issues. I recommended counseling and numerous websites, she truly means alot to me, and I think if she can resolve some of this emotional baggage we might be able to work things out again, any ideas how I might be able to help?

[thlst3]

Hi Rhonda,

 

I have a question about this woman I just started dating. We met thru one of those dating site. We've been on 3 dates and I thought it went well. However, last wednesday... I asked her out but she kindly said, "can we wait and play it by ear? i would hate to have to cancel." I replied, Sure, just email or call me.

 

I haven't heard back all weekend. Should I just forget it and leave it? Or should I continue the communication line?

 

Thanks.

[violingirl]

Hi Rhonda,

 

Thanks for answering questions here.

 

My commitmentphobic ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 years ago. He is 41, never married, the dumper in almost all of his relationships, lived with his parents until he was 39. We were together for 19 months (my longest and most meaningful relationship). In the beginning, he pursued me and wanted to spend all his free time with me, talked about marriage and kids; I completely fell in love with him. After 7 months, even though our relationship was going great, he started freaking out about commitment occasionally (unprovoked by me); he later moved out of his parents' house, but then wouldn't ever let me stay in his new apartment (even though we went shopping together for furniture for his new place); he then needed more and more space; towards the end, 5 days after we got back from a trip where he had met my parents for the first time, he made out with an ex-girlfriend (I didn't find out about this until long after the breakup); 2 months later, he broke up with me, saying he needed to be alone to work on his issues. I later found out he left me for another ex-girlfriend (a woman he had encouraged me to be friends with and who he claimed to be "just friends" with).

 

During our relationship my ex would tell me that his commitment freakouts were about HIS issues (or work stress) and that I was "perfect" and deserve happiness/marriage. However, months after he broke up with me, he accused me of being "manipulative and controlling", that he had felt "trapped"/"suffocated" and that I had put him under "duress" to say "I love you" and forced him to say it once a week (not true and he had never said that before).

 

Last year (after 11 months no contact and 10 months of me being in therapy because of all this), I contacted my ex with the encouragement of my therapist. My ex and I talked numerous times about our relationship and he "apologized" for moving our relationship along so quickly and aggressively pursuing me in the beginning of our relationship, and said that he probably had not been over his prior girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with) and that he may have been rebounding (never told me that before). But he never apologized for cheating (he didn't consider making out "cheating") or for leaving me for another ex-girlfriend.

 

Even though it's been 2 years since the breakup with my ex and the breakup (and how he betrayed me/abandoned me/sabotaged the relationship)devastated me, I still miss him. He was the love of my life and the only man who has ever loved me/understood me and we were great together. No matter what I've tried - therapy (ended after 10 months); trying to date others with no success; no contact; getting a better job; moving to a new apartment - I still miss him and think about him every day, although the pain has lessened over time (I haven't had any contact with him for 3 months; haven't seen him for 2 years). I feel like I'll never be able to trust anyone again. I just can't go through this type of pain ever again. Is there something wrong with me? How can I get over this? Will I ever find love again?

[wishiknew]

Hi Rhonda,

My situation is this, I was dating this girl for almost 2 years and things were seemingly great. My problem is I'm not very good at communication in a relationship, actually neither of us really were. Things were starting to get a little more serious between us and I did mention moving in together, started to plan for a future together. Well things changed and she broke things off before Christmas.

 

Her reasoning behind it is that she just wasn't sure of what she wanted anymore. Its not that she doesn't want to be with me, but she needed some time to determine whether or not she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. We've had some discussions and are clearly communicating better now than we did while we were together. She admits that she does doubt breaking up with me on some days but just isn't sure she wants to give us another chance unless she is 100% sure of it.

 

Despite all the advocates of NC on this forum, we still remain in close contact and see/talk on a very regular basis. So for the time being we are friends, maybe a little more than friends, but definitely not a couple. I will admit that there are some days when I doubt my decision to remain close to her and be her friend. It is hard on me at times being around her and trying to be just friends, it has gotten easier with time though.

 

So my question to you is, do I remain on this path that I'm on? Shall I continue to be her friend and supportive of her until I get some clear direction on what it is that she wants?

 

Thank you for your time and insight.

[redpoppy99]

Hello-

 

I have a problem that I am desperately trying to work on- I am very in love with my SO and we are even engaged to be married but I have a tendency to flirt with people. Once it went so far as kissing but then I stopped it before it got any farther- and I never have any intention of ever leaving my current significant other because it would destroy me. I also develop "innocent crushes" on a few of the people I flirt with. I have done it once (and am avoiding another) in this relationship and I used to do it all the time in my last relationship which lasted three years. It was a horrible relationship and neither of us treated the other well but my relationship now is much better. We have problems and moments where we definitely should have treated the other better but there are more good times than not. What do I need to do to fix this attention sucking habit I have?? I think someone I have flirted with once (just talking) is very attractive so I am only polite (saying hi and asking how they are, etc) whenever I see them and I avoid them as often as possible. But I still think about them for a while after I see them. Please help! Any advice would be very beneficial!!!

[kamurj]

hi annie24

It depends on the person. Some people who are very determined to "get married" and start a family are more focused on being logical and finding someone who is good husband or wife material. But some people are more romantic and feel that chemistry is paramount so it's really up to you. But no matter what, never stay in a destructive relationship no matter how much chemistry there is.

Rhonda Findling

[baddasslegend92]

Hello,

 

I just have a question. I have been in a longdistance with this wonderful woman for about two months now.We met on a dating site.I live in GA and she lives in VA. Our relationship is going great so far but I am so scared that things may change. We both do everything for eachother. How can i keep the relationship good and not to worry about the if's and what nots? Also in my past ld relationships sometime people change and then tell you this is not what they want. I don't want to go through that again especily with her. any sugessions???

[kamurj]

Pinballwizard,

I believe in taking risks. I personally find obsessing about "what ifs" more painful than rejection. Rather than just "asking her out" maybe try being more seductive or pushing just a little beyond friendship. Like putting your arm around her shoulder or take her hand while you're walking and see how she reacts. If she pushes you away or shrugs away you have your answer. If she encourages your moves and seems to enjoy it then keep going to the next level.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Daisy77

I'm glad you like my website. I liked that article too. Now that you understand the pattern try to stay on top of it. If a guy is distancing don't cling. If you see that you're pursuing a man who's not that interested, then just STOP. Try to only date or hang out with men who are not distancers and seem interested in you. Anytime you see yourself falling into that masochistic position (referring to that article) get out of the situation. Make your self-esteem mental health your priority.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Warhuhwow

Don't send a letter. Like I told the previous poster, try to be more seductive with her. When she's talking, gaze into her eyes and tell her how pretty she is. Make some kind of body contact, like brushing her hair to the side while she's talking. See how she reacts. Or ask her to do something activity-wise that's a little more romantic than you usually do as friends. I know you're anxious about it but you have to try to work through your anxiety and go for it or you may regret that you never took the chance. You don't see her a lot anyway so it won't be so terrible if it doesn't work out.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Pinkbubbles

This is a problem because if things don't work out you'll have to see him through your brother. It's a gamble. You have to decide whether you want to take the risk. Only you can make this decision.

Rhonda Findling

[meantime]

Hello, I was with my boyfriend in an on/off relationship for three years. Six months ago he decided he didn't want to be in the relationship any longer. I was both hurt and relieved at the same time (we had our share of problems). I worked hard to pull myself together after that and while I still thought about him daily I was moving on with my life.

 

He called and said his time away showed him how much he truly loved me and wants to work things out...said he will try anything including counseling.

 

These are words I needed to hear six months ago. In his time away he dated other women. I was at home trying to get over him.

 

I feel like I am disrespecting myself somehow if I agree to work things out. I think if he loved me truly, it would have been impossible for him to have slept with someone else, which he did. It was his time with her that made him realize he did not want to lose me...somehow that does not really make one feel very special.

 

I told him I need time to decide. I can only wonder will he do this again? And, what of all my hard work pulling myself together, only to give myself back to someone who discarded me in the first place?

 

I just do not know what to do. I do love him but wonder if sometimes there is just too much pain to start over...any comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanking you in advance.

[kamurj]

Creamybutter

Sorry about that! Another ambivalent man (sorry guys I know ambivalent women are out there too) I write about these kind of men in my book "The Commitment Cure". I guess he has conflicted feelings. Don't email again until you hear from him. If he emails you back and takes a long time again, don't bother with him anymore. He seems like he's too mixed up and will be trouble.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Hosswhispra

I think it's great when women take the initiative. I've noticed since I've been a therapist and dating coach to so many people over the years that people who are actively looking for a relationship find relationships that lead to permanent commitment or marriage more so than people who are waiting for fate to intervene. Often men and women I know who get married were actively looking!

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Rozi

If the one you desire is after your best friend then don't pursue him. Find someone else.

Rhonda Findling