meantime

Hello, I was with my boyfriend in an on/off relationship for three years. Six months ago he decided he didn't want to be in the relationship any longer. I was both hurt and relieved at the same time (we had our share of problems). I worked hard to pull myself together after that and while I still thought about him daily I was moving on with my life. He called and said his time away showed him how much he truly loved me and wants to work things out...said he will try anything including counseling. These are words I needed to hear six months ago. In his time away he dated other women. I was at home trying to get over him. I feel like I am disrespecting myself somehow if I agree to work things out. I think if he loved me truly, it would have been impossible for him to have slept with someone else, which he did. It was his time with her that made him realize he did not want to lose me...somehow that does not really make one feel very special. I told him I need time to decide. I can only wonder will he do this again? And, what of all my hard work pulling myself together, only to give myself back to someone who discarded me in the first place? I just do not know what to do. I do love him but wonder if sometimes there is just too much pain to start over...any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanking you in advance.

Friscodj...Hey thanks for all of your input believe it or not it made its way into our conversation this evening. He does not feel it is wise to accept outside feedback on our relationship due to its complexities. I told him it really had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with my relationship to myself...so thanks again. The bottom line, the absolute truth is I am not using the knowledge I have gained or appreciating all the hard work I have done to pull myself out of that depressive hole I lived in when we broke up. And yes, I DO NOT want to let go and I know that is what must happen and we are only prolonging the suffering. The thing is he has been with someone else and decided that he truly loved me, in my mind he would have waited to figure that out before moving on to the next woman. He was telling me he loved me before he showed her the door! That is very scary. If I handed myself over to him I would be losing the person I have worked so hard to become. It still kills. I still do not know if I have the strength.

Well I think you are correct. I just keep letting it go deeper and deeper. I have told him everything upfront though. I have told him I don't think I can do this there is just too much that has happened. I told him I had to deal with the heartbreak he caused and I worked really really hard to get myself back up. He knows where I stand and he wants to keep trying. None of my friends or family believe we could stand a chance. I tell him all the reasons, I tell him everyone says he is absolutely no good for me or me for him, but he just stands there...willing to try. He has made us a therapy appointment. Yes, part of me hopes that there could be a miracle here and part of me hopes someone else will deliver the definitive blow to this relationship. But in my defense I am honest with him about how I feel and he just believes we can get it back. The thing is "it" just wasn't all that nice to begin with, only moments and pieces of it were wonderful. I am guilty of not wanting to let go and you are so right when you say my knowledge and my heart are too far apart. And, I never want to give him the opportunity to hurt me again. I need to remember all the pain...but still it is just so hard...I can't let go right now and do the right thing for me and him, I guess it is emotional immaturity, selfishness, boredom, it was so easy to let go when there was pain, I guess I will just have to wait for the first sign of pain to remind me this is never going to be good. Thanks again.

Thanks guys. I do sincerely love him, (no longer in love due to the history) I just know that a life with him would be filled with anxiety and misery. He offered to become an open book and have no privacy so that I could feel safe. He is not the most honest person, but I think I would have to be always wondering if he is being truthful. He has so many good qualities but if he can easily deceive then they are not worth very much are they? I know that answer that is why I know I can't do this anymore. I think he thinks he can do it, that is the sad part. I told him last night he has never seen what I am worth and that there was I time I could not see my worth either, but that those days are over. I told him I am not sad or angry, just done. I know he will not go easy and that is where it all will become a mess...again. And, there is that selfish part that wants to hang on, I don't know why...... this relationship just hurts the both of us. Where does that strength come from to really let go? I so admire the ones who have been able to do it.

friscodj I really appreciate your response but I just got it and I ended up spending the weekend with him. I guess I was too weak to stand up and do the strong thing. I think you are correct that I am enjoying the chase, he has hurt me so bad in the past it does feel good to see him feeling so lost and afraid. I know that I am not being a good person. Also, after actually seeing him I remembered why I loved him so much. He said he understands how I feel and to take as much time as I need to consider the second chance. Your post was great but now I have allowed confusion to set back in, I truly don't want to hurt him and was able to be completely honest, I told him I don't know if I will ever feel that way again. He said he still just wants to try. I guess I need time. Thanks so much.

I went no contact for a while. He came back. In the time away I realized I don't want a relationship with him, even as I write this I know it is still the truth. He wants a second chance. Why can't I just tell him no. Why did I agree to see him this weekend when I really don't want to? When I see his name on my phone I don't feel anything anymore. So why would I agree to meet him? Please I need help with this problem. I don't want to lead him on and have told him I don't want a relationship with him. Does anybody understand all of this confusion? Any help will be appreciated.

I understand you exactly as I have been in long term relationships and have been cheated on while I have been faithful. I just ended one of three years he maybe never actually cheated (could never prove it) but every sign was there and he cheated on his first wife seven times in their three year marriage...I should have not given this guy one minute of my time but the thing is...we can't really pick who we fall in love with. We can say we are going to choose one like this or that, we can read all the books on how to get the right kind of love, believe me I have read them all but in the end, you can't make love happen with someone because they will by loyal. I don't know if this makes any sense but it is an interesting topic.

Well I still think you should just leave it alone, friendship should be easy and both sides should be giving and getting. Maybe when she calls again you should tell her what your idea of friendship is and see if you guys are on the same page...she can't read your mind you know and why should you spend your time being frustrated when there is no need of it. Good luck.

I think she was being a bit selfish sending you that text. It seems to me she may have been just testing the waters and bam...you are inviting her for a drink. It was too soon. Perhaps you should have not responded at all to her texts for a while it is still obviously hard for you. I would leave it completely alone for now. Too soon I think. And, who cares about the why's of how she reacted. How do you feel? Do you feel like you were better before you got the text? I know how good it feels to be contacted by your ex when you miss them but usually it ends up making one feel worse...they didn't even realize they were actually getting on with things until they get clobbered by a text. I would step back if I were you and leave things alone.

ebsmith1 give yourself a break, you were going to be married you have the dress the ring...it takes a good long while for the heart to catch up with the head. In my opinion you are thinking what any woman in your position would be thinking. It is so painful and there is no way around all those thoughts you are having. I just read a book about therapy, it is solution based therapy, it would suggest you stop fighting these thoughts and allow them in, take time everyday and go over all of it, think about what might have been, lean into it, and for heaven's sake, you have a right to everything that you think about, they are your thoughts, it was your heart that was/is broken. You have to know there is no cure but time. You can be sad you just can't stay there. You have every right to mourn your loss.

Thanks Sandy the thing is love is blind and when he talks to me my head spins it happens all the time. I can't believe I called, I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. It sounds good to read you saying how crazy it is because when you are in it ... it doesn't seem all that crazy.

Hey there broke NC last night woke up feeling sick. Can't believe I did it. LH please tell me how you are feeling now? Better? Worse?

pinkbunnie, it is so horrible to implement NC when you are still in love. We have to go through this every day and keep working taking care of kids doing all that needs to be done in the course of a day! Someone trying to stop drinking or using drugs can go to a detox and just battle it out. We have to battle it out behind closed doors, while driving, in public, you name it that heartache is there beneath it all smoldering. I have read about love and how addicting it can be and the chemical reactions it produces are not unlike those felt from drug use. So what you are feeling is withdrawal from your love object. There are so many excellent books out there that won't make you feel better but they will help you understand why you are feeling this way. And like drugs that we are trying to overcome, we can't or shouldn't be near or have contact with them until we are in a place strong enough to resist them. In some cases we will never be strong enough so we have to live a life of NC. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I myself am waiting to feel better. You are not stupid at all, just try again and again...

luv, at this stage any form of contact or missed contact can send one's mind spinning and get one's stomach very upset. It will get better, then it won't, then it will again. I am counting on what I have read on here about NC to be true, that one truly does emerge stronger for having done the work of NC and it is work. I am exhausted from all of the emotions I have to deal with now that I can't just give him a buzz to let those emotions out. I am forced to deal with everything on my own which is the point of it all. A bit offtrack but to answer your question, yes, yes, contact of any kind at this point causes emotional upset. Sorry, luv.

Oh my gosh...you are behaving like a spoiled child. Go have your 'new' girl but how selfish to think you could have anything from your 'wife'. And remember, you get what you give...if this 'new' girl has no problems being with a married man now she won't have any problems cheating on you later.