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Everything posted by AnotherBrokenDoll

  1. Sex for me is complicated. After past trauma, it was something to be feared and given to met because it was what they wanted. As i’ve gotten older, i’ve started over coming some of that. Although i’d be lying if i said that sometimes those feelings don’t pop into my head sometimes and no matter how scared i get i always try to hide it and let him enjoy it - mainly because i trust him and know that if i asked him to stop, no matter how hard it would be for him he would. But mostly, now sex to me is trust, it’s giving someone the power to hurt me in a million and one ways and trusting that they won’t. It’s love, it’s bonding, it’s feeling so incredibly close to someone. It’s about feeling loved, and wanted and good enough. And recently, it’s started to be about fun, and actually enjoying myself too. I envy the people who can just let go and have sex and be confident and enjoy it. I hope one day i’ll be the same. I’m getting there. Because of this though, it is very difficult being with someone who has quite a large sexual past. I struggle to feel good enough, pretty enough, confident enough.. All that being said, i never call him names over it. I never would psychologically abuse him over it. No matter how insecure and scared i am, we all have a past. And at the end of the day so long as i am his future what should it matter what happened before me?
  2. I can’t do this. My heart is racing. I’m loosing my mind. About to cry. I can’t do this.
  3. Maybe, but we’ll see. I don’t want to make any rash decisions. But i would like the cure to insecurities. The cure to seeing only the worst of yourself. The cure to feeling too much too quickly. I’m terrified. I’m starting to really fall for someone again.. But my brain keeps trying to sabotage everything, and i don’t know how long he’ll last by my side when i’m so emotional. So scared of everything. I’m trying so hard. I’m trying to stop over thinking. I want this to work, i really do. Deep breaths to get me through this first stage filled with panic attacks and tears.
  4. Thank you for the support, i really appreciate the kind words x Work is a struggle at the moment. It was always the one place i was happiest, it was the place that i walked through the door and knew 100% what i was doing and knew i was good at my job. Now i don’t feel like that any more. I feel lost. I feel like there is nothing stable holding me down and some days i truly dislike my workplace.. I don’t know how people do this over and over.. I almost want out.
  5. Yesterday i let go of my Jack Jack. He was my second horse. He had been my by side for the last three and a half years. Letting him go broke my heart. But he was riddled with cancer and had so many issues that i let him go whilst he was fat and happy and before he knew pain and suffering. He has certainly left a hole in my heart. I miss him already.
  6. Thank you, such kind words and very helpful. I just don’t understand my own mind. What thoughts are mental illness? What are justified?
  7. I broke someone’s heart who didn’t deserve it. I’m not the sort of person who would ever intentionally hurt anyone. But here i am. Leaving behind me a list of broken hearts. I honestly never thought this would happen. Driving away yesterday was the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. Sitting here knowing someone’s in pain because of me. It’s the worst feeling. How do people do this intentionally? How do people go around breaking hearts? i wish in a way i could be someone who didn’t care.. I wish i could just let it go.. I hate that i’ve done this. I hate that i’m back to where i always fall.. Wanting to hurt myself. I think i should go back on my medications. I’ve been off them the last week because i’ve been drinking and not eating much. It’s so ing hard. I’m 27 this year, but yet cutting/restricting/purging.. They are my escape.
  8. How do people do this intentionally? How do you break someone’s heart. I don’t even understand how people can do what they do and feel nothing. I feel everything. I don’t want to hurt the people around me. I don’t want anyone to get hurt by me. Maybe i shouldn’t be allowed to date. I think i leave before things get too serious. I walk away so i don’t get hurt. But there’s something in my heart that’s crying out for something more. He loves me the way i loved my ex.. Purely, unconditionally. I wish i felt that way about him, but i think in all honesty i just loved that someone loved me so much. I loved being with someone and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that they won’t hurt me. But now here i am.. Stuck in a situation where i know i’ll hurt him instead. And i think that feeling is worse..
  9. Not too much has changed since my last entry almost a year ago - yet everything has changed at the same time.. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, eating disorder not otherwise specified and bipolar. I’m on medications. I’ve lost everything in my life and i think i’m about to lose my horses. They are the one thing that gets me up every day. I don’t know how i’ll survive. But i honestly don’t think i can afford to keep them. I’ve done something i am so angry at myself for. And no matter what i do now, i’m going to hurt someone. And either way, i’ll hurt myself. I’ve never been someone who ever would intentionally hurt anyone. And here i am leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me. I have no one to talk too. There is no one i can go too and fall apart with and just talk it out, because there’s no one in my life who wouldn’t judge me. I feel like I’ve never learnt to stand on my own two feet. I’ve always relied on someone else. And i don’t want too anymore. I want to go out and experience my life. I want to see where is crazy messed up world takes me. My heads a mess. My hearts a mess. I don’t know what i want or how to get it once i figure it out. I’m torn between what’s sure and what’s a complete risk. I could end up making an even bigger mess out of my life. I could end up worse than i am now. But is the fear of failing worth staying here when i long to find out if there’s something more?
  10. Thank you as always for your kind words. The issue is that i find getting help far more triggering than helpful. I end up making myself worse to 'justify' getting help. So for me it's far easier to just keep on going. I'll be just fine eventually. I really will.
  11. I'm 26 years old in a month and i'm still doing the same things i've been doing since i was 12. Binge, purge, fast, cut.. People look at me and think i have my life in order. But the truth is every single day I wish i didn't have to wake up. Every single day i wish i could just fall asleep and not have to deal with any of this anymore. No one knows what's going on in my head and i don't want anyone to know. But it's so bloody hard on my own. I've tried so hard to stop all of this. I've tried to just bloody grow up! But i can't move on from here. I go out drinking and my female friend puts her hand on my leg to try and get me to communicate better because i'm so freaking wasted i don't even know what i'm saying and i loose my and beg her not to hurt me. I've been with James for about 18 months and still i pull away from him shaking at times. I tell him that all i want is for him to want me and to feel like he can't control himself around me but then i know that if he really was like that i'd be terrified. He can't win. If he doesn't make a move he thinks i'm disgusting. If he does then he scares me and he is such a good man and he doesn't want to do that and i know all of this now as i'm typing it and i'm rational. But in the moment something takes over my body. I can't hear what he says i can't see past the images in my own damn head. It's pathetic!! 26 years old and still my journal is exactly what it was when i was 14.. What does that say about me?
  12. Haha I know right! It would be amazing. It's just so frustrating that in the move up here I have sacrificed my qualification and a happy work environment as well as losing about $300 a week as well My Agistment cost also quadrupled itself so my expenses are more than ever and I'm really struggling financially. I had so much more free time as well when I was in Brisbane because I could work less hours and do different shifts - so I could ride normally 4 - 5 x per week. Now I'm lucky to fit 3 rides in. My pony and I are both loosing fitness and we hadn't jumped anything in about 5 months (well except for a pole on the ground which Sunny decided needed to be lept over instead of stepped over lol) I've also just agreed to a 3 year contract at work. Which the thought of which is killing me. I try not to complain at work at all. But it's definitely a struggle. I need to get the boyfriend to get a better job - earn the big bucks somehow haha. I am an amazing housewife when given the chance I say all this, but really I am far too proud to not work and earn my own money. I don't hate what I do and so many people would kill to have a job. Especially up here. So I'll quit my whinging about it and suck it up.
  13. I have no close friends. I got torn to pieces all day at work. And barely made it to the paddock in sunlight. Let alone having enough time to actually ride or enjoy my horses. Why did I think moving here and that this job was a good idea? So unhappy currently. I'll just day dream about winning the lotto and never having to work again. God that would be amazing. I would ride all day every day. But then reality hits and up I get to get ready for another day of torture.
  14. And I have to wonder, After all the days and nights that are behind us, The seconds that turned into months; Even years have now passed. Yet here I am. My hands trembling, Just as they always do. My eyes - they struggle to meet yours. For every moment they glance upon you, My mind; It takes me to the darkest of my dreams. The night terrors, They still awaken me. At 2 o'clock when the skies are as black as my broken heart, My body forcing me to choose: Fight or flight. Natural instinct. Do I stay? Do I run? Do I risk it all for your arms around me, Do I leave for the sake of my own sanity. Lonliness may be my only comfort, When the touch of a man is more terrifying, Than the knowledge that i may never know love. The realisation sets in. I may never know love.
  15. Thank you LikeWater. I think I was a little in dream land last time I posted. Almost a year on and I am still with him. He is still a good man. And in a lot of ways far too good for me. Hard to explain my current life. I'm struggling with my own battles. Depression. Social anxiety. Food. Self harm. Insecurities. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up. I feel like I'm still 15 years old. Awkward. Alone. Living my life for my horses. To think that just over a year ago I was engaged, I'd bought my first home, I was ready to start my life. I know I deserve this unhappiness and that it was self inflicted. Anyone that wants to judge will never think as poorly of me as I do myself.
  16. I had to let Vel go. I now will most likely have to let Jack go too He has 3 degenerative diseases. How am i supposed to beat that? On the upside... I am now officially seeing someone. He is one amazing man. All the things i ever dreamt of. The sort of person that makes me feel completely loved. The type of person i can spend time with and just have fun with. Together. We dont need anyone else. We have fun. Laughing and giggling fully clothed in the beach water. Jumping the waves. Having the most amazing sex of my life. It was always so painful, but then i met him. And he makes it feel the way it should. He makes me feel safe. Comfortable. We can relax and talk for hours. We can spend hours in bed. We can go out and have a good time. He cooks and cleans!! I got to lay on the couch in my lingerie watching him prepare dinner and put a movie on for us. My choice! The only downside is he lives 6 hours away So i'll be seeing him again in three weeks hopefully. Then a few weeks after he should be down here. Hopefully he will be moving here next year too. The distance will be so hard on me. But i think he is well worth it.
  17. Thank you for your kind words. What doesn't make life easier is when uneducated people try to have opinions on what you should do. When they go behind your back to try and convince others that you are making the wrong decision, when no decision has even been made yet. What gives them the right to say anything at all. At the end of the they have no say whatsoever in what I believe to be the best outcome. But it hurts an awful lot to have people you have given up your time, money, freedom and weekends for believe you could possibly make a decision like this lightly. I'm sorry, but until you are educated and can see what I see, your opinions should be kept to themselves.
  18. Thanks Avman, he is one sweet sweet boy, and I know in my heart locking him up is cruel. He reared up the other day at the lady who was taking him from his little yard to his stable. He doesn't do that.. He has manners. He is just cranky at being locked up - and being fed too much (I've asked her to keep it small). He isn't the sort of horse you can lock up. He wants to be free. I've decided to do it Friday. Going to give him some pain relief and climb onto his back (it won't hurt him at all) and get some photos taken on Thursday so I have plenty to put up. My sweet boy. Jack Jack is now.also incredibly lame. And if it's what I think it is I will need him to be put to sleep as well This year is just being cruel to me. It's not making me stronger. It's tearing me down. I'm exhausted.
  19. Got the definite answer. Velvet will be put to sleep. I now just have to figure out when. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I've had to do. And it's my choice. How do you decide what is better?! Letting him live a half life, locked in a small yard watching my other horses run free, looking at me with the saddest eyes. Knowing that the day will come that the bone structure will eventually worsen to the point where I would be forced to make this decision anyway. But for now, letting him still have life in his veins, and still get to enjoy the moments of interaction. Or do I rest his sweet soul now, before the pain starts. Before he gets too depressed from not being allowed out. Before I lose the personality he has in him. My heart can't feel right with this decision. Either way. My vet has told me that I have done anything and everything I could and alot more than most would. I have spent so much money on my boys. So so much. And I will never regret it. But there is nothing more I can do At least he got one good year. A really good year with me. He has a full belly and a heart full of my love. I'm going to miss that boy.
  20. What a hell of a year. I found out I couldn't ride Velvet the way I had wanted too, so spent alot getting a new horse. Had a great time with him until I found out he had a pre existing condition that I didn't know of when I bought him so now he can't be ridden at all. I had to put my old horse to sleep. Velvet - my sweet sweet rescue, is now looking so lame after re injuring in the paddock. Not being worked at all. And now, will most likely also be put to sleep soon. He is my best friend and has stood by my side through so much this year. It's going to be the hardest decision to let him go. I watched my strong strong granddad slowly fade into the darkness. I stood by his side and held his hand as he took his last breath. We cleaned out the family home, and sold it on. Then watched it get knocked down. That had been their home for 65 years. They built it themselves. And that had been the only place I could truly call home. Last year I bought my wedding dress, my veil and had the centre pieces for our tables. They are beautiful. My ring is beautiful. We bought a house, settlement in December. My dream home. 7 beautiful acres. A sweet little home. September was supposed to mark not only four years of togetherness, but the start of my married life. With the drama and the cost we put the wedding off thinking we would run away... Then as I watched my oldest friend walk down the Isle, I realized, I couldn't marry the man in my life. He is my best friend. But, he is not my lover. I feel more alone with him than I do when I am alone. I moved jobs to be closer to my new home, sacrificed my wonderful work friends. To work in a place I feel so unwelcome. So now the mission is to sell my dress, my veil and my ring. To figure out what the hell we do with the house - which also means I will lose every last cent of my inheritance. To try my best to be happy and not let any of this bring me down. I am stronger now than I ever have been. I can handle this. One step at a time.
  21. I'm loosing my granddad. After all these years. After everything. I'm watching him fade away. Just like I watched my sweet little nana fade. I don't know how to live in a world that doesn't have him. Nana passing was the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I still had granddad. He kept a piece of her alive somehow. And I had to focus on looking after him. Now, it's like loosing them both. Phill went away. And I have no one else. I'm lying here, doing my best to hold myself together. Tomorrow I have work. I have to wake up and put a smile on my face and pretend to be happy and thankful. But I'm not. I don't want to loose him. I hate feeling like this. Years of watching people die, it doesn't prepare you for watching your own family.. I wish it did. He is such a little fighter. He hasn't really given up yet. And I don't know what to do.
  22. Horses.. Who the hell would have them? So now I have 3. My beautiful Velvet, a sweet old man named Poco who is 38 years old. And my newest addition - Jack. He is a cranky old man who doesn't quite know what love is and isn't overly appreciative of it. But alas he will come around. He is 12 years old and apparently used to be a school horse. Although he has been a terror for me and enjoyed rearing, pig rooting and bolting. But he knows how, and loves to jump. So that is what we are doing. I have my first competition at the end of the month and I'm legit so excited and even more scared. I haven't really ridden him much. He has been drama after drama after drama. But now he is all healed up. And he is in full work whether he likes it or not. He is a good boy really. I'm sure in a few months time we will be far more bonded and working well together.
  23. Worst idea ever. Let's hop on the horse that looked nervy. That's a wonderful idea.. Not. Couldn't stop the bloody thing. Basically I need $3000 Sucks so much that I literally wasted $1000 getting Velvet trained to jump and he can't jump. I would never for a second regret buying him. But I do regret spending an extra $1000 on training before getting a vet check
  24. I did have to make a bad decision. I've chosen to give Grace back to her old owners and not continue the lease. She is too green for me and feels my nerves and plays on them. Every time I tried to pull her up she threatened to rear. I ended up bailing. My instructor rides her well. But I just don't have the confidence for her. Nor the experience. Going to try an older horse on Wednesday. He is 15. And done lots of dressage. So he should be brilliant on the flat, and teaching to jump is pretty easy if they are willing. Maybe pick a horse I can learn from rather than teach this time!
  25. No I think my hormones are in over drive thanks to a surgery I recently had. I haven't been the same since. So I have to learn to deal with it because I'm eating too much. Gotta learn some self control without taking it too far. But thank you no one My horses both almost got me off today. Velvet reared and pig rooted. Grace almost ran me into a tree - twice. She just refused to stop or turn whenever I pushed her into a canter. I could have given them both back instantly. But I took Velvet back out this afternoon and he behaved far better. So that was a good sign. I think the green grass from the rain plus the lucerne is what is doing it to them. After this round bale no more lucerne for my nutters. So I thought I'd do a few facts about me. I'm 23 Engaged Love animals Live on acerage Nurse - hopefully going to study to become the next level up soon Part time carer to my grandfather Secretly wish I could be a vet nurse Really want to compete in show jumping next year Currently on night shift Have no idea where I will be in 10 years time Happy Dreamer
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