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Everything posted by redpoppy99

  1. My SO is great to me- maybe not giving me all the attention I want but in some ways that's not bad. I yearn to be completely adored and showered with attention but when I get it, it's kind of smothering. We have a very good balance. And as for feeling so guilty, I think it's because I once acted on a crush. I know it's probably not a realistic thing to think but I sometimes feel like if I am with the one I truly love, I wouldn't fantasize about another. You are right though, it's totally normal. I have no intention of acting on these urges- I made the mistake once and it won't happen ever again. Thank you for the reassurance I really needed it!
  2. Hello again- I know I may not have made the best first impression seeing how my first post was about my infidelity but I am starting to think I have a serious problem... Once again there is "someone else" that I have been thinking about. This person is such a sweet person. They have already made an impression on me and I have only known them for a small amount of time. I like they way they look at me, the attention I get from them, the smiles I get from them. I've found myself wondering what it would feel like to be in their arms, to have just one kiss- I find myself not wanting a relationship from them, though. After thinking about all of this, I still don't want to lose my SO- the relationship I have with my SO is the only one I want. Why do I have these urges? Why do I think about other people this way? I did get to hang out with this "other" person at a small party the other night and all we did was talk. I kept myself from giving in to my urges... but I am still confused as to why I even have them. Any advice would be helpful. Please.
  3. Hello- I have a problem that I am desperately trying to work on- I am very in love with my SO and we are even engaged to be married but I have a tendency to flirt with people. Once it went so far as kissing but then I stopped it before it got any farther- and I never have any intention of ever leaving my current significant other because it would destroy me. I also develop "innocent crushes" on a few of the people I flirt with. I have done it once (and am avoiding another) in this relationship and I used to do it all the time in my last relationship which lasted three years. It was a horrible relationship and neither of us treated the other well but my relationship now is much better. We have problems and moments where we definitely should have treated the other better but there are more good times than not. What do I need to do to fix this attention sucking habit I have?? I think someone I have flirted with once (just talking) is very attractive so I am only polite (saying hi and asking how they are, etc) whenever I see them and I avoid them as often as possible. But I still think about them for a while after I see them. Please help! Any advice would be very beneficial!!!
  4. Sure he did half the making but who's going through the entire ordeal? Not the father. He shouldn't be an influence especially if he is not taking responsibility. That doesn't sound like a good father to me. There's a phrase that I myself use for my real father- SPERM DONOR!!!
  5. This may come off badly but it's my opinion: You made your decisions and followed them through. Now is time to deal with the consequences. There is medicaid for to-be mothers who can't afford health insurance... There are clinics, too. There is SO much out there to help someone in your situation. If you don't want to keep the baby, there are couples out there who have dreamed for a long time for a child. Why not make their dream come true? Terminating a pregnancy is a selfish act... and the consequences of that are with you for the rest of your life. Everytime the guessed birth date passes of the child you never had, how do you think you'll feel? It's a burden that too many women don't realize comes with pregnancy termination. So, have the baby FOR YOU- then you can decide whether or not you are ready to be it's mother... if not, adoption!! Do it for your peace of mind if nothing else.
  6. My SO and I are happy now. I am not going to ruin it by bringing up the past. Even though I never confirmed it, my SO does know about what happened- rumors spread fast. I don't think telling my SO now would solve anything- we've moved past it, gotten over it and we are back on track. I understand where you are coming from- however, this was a mistake. The definition of a mistake is: An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness. Yes, some mistakes are accidental but some aren't. Don't be so sure you know what was going through my head as I made this mistake...
  7. What is it that she does to make you angry? Sometimes the things people do are intended to make someone that angry. My SO will do and say things that make me SOOO mad and I completely lose my temper but that's what my SO is going for. I do the same, I won't lie, and we are aware of this problem. We know we need to find a way to solve our arguments that won't involve screaming and crying. We are both in our early twenties, also, and I think that is part of it. I suggest talking about a better way to work out your arguments while you are both calm and not in the middle of a dispute. And if you get into another argument and feel yourself being overwhelmed with anger, just walk away and don't go back until you have calmed down. That is the best way to ensure there will never be violence and it also prevents you from harming each other emotionally by saying something you don't mean in the heat of the moment.
  8. Perhaps people should not jump into marriage and go in "blinded" as you say. People do not take marriage seriously and don't seem to understand the contract part of marriage. There is a lack of responsiblity and ethics today and everyone expects marriage to be like a fairytale romance. Divorce is very ugly and it can ruin people, not only financially, but emotionally. And what about children who are involved? Perhaps that's why people jump into marriage now-a-days... They are so desperately looking for the love they missed out on during childhood when their parents were getting divorced. I can say for myself that ever since my parents got divorced, I have wanted nothing more than my own family- a family that I can love and that will love me. I'm not saying my parents didn't love me but we were far from happy.
  9. I agree with the previous two posts. It's easy to feel stuck in a LDR. You commit to your girlfriend, call her everyday and stay faithful but you get very little reward for it. Sure, she does the same but you don't get to see her very often and do things that couples who see each other everyday get to do. If you were able to see her everyday, do you think you would still be feeling this way? Look at it like this, even though you feel like being single would be "easier," you have not lost feelings for this girl. Try figuring out ways to keep the bond strong. Send each other little presents or cards a few times a month. Maybe invest in web cams or, if at all possible, see each other more. It's obvious simply talking everyday is not enough and that's normal. I hope this helps you and good luck!!
  10. There is a HUGE difference between her spending a weekend with a male friend and you spending time or just talking to your sister. IMHO, I think emotional cheating is when you FEEL something for someone you should only feel for your SO. That's obviously not going to happen with your sister so the answer is no, you did not cheat in any way by talking to your sister. Everyone needs someone to vent to sometimes. Anyone else's wife would be grateful it was a family member of the opposite sex and not a coworker or friend.
  11. Yes it hurts me, too, to hate her. We have mutual friends and it makes it harder. She has known these people longer so I feel they are loyal to her and it affects my friendship with them. Part of me feels like I should just be her friend but part of me feels that would be against what I think. When we do hang out, she talks about it and I do not know what to say. I feel like she is pushing me, seeing how far she can go or perhaps she says it to see if I will say I've forgiven her. I am a stubborn person and I rarely disregard my beliefs for anything. I still care for her well-being but I don't know how I could help her. What would be more right? Forgetting how I feel or forgetting her?
  12. Here is an update: I decided NOT to tell my SO about the kiss because they have moved past it. My SO trusts me to go out with friends again and I trust myself not to do anything like that again-it has almost been a year since the incident. I am working on some of my personal issues and I think that will greatly improve our relationship. I am 100% positive that there will be no infidelity EVER again on my part and I am very confident it won't happen with my SO. I am working on building a stronger bond with my SO and we are working on building a solid future together. I have learned from my mistake and feel that it would only cause further pain to my SO to bring up the subject again. I will deal with the guilt I am feeling because I do deserve it and if I were to tell my SO, I think it would only be to make myself feel better- I committed a very selfish act once and I can't bring myself to do that to my SO again. I do love my SO more than anything and I always have and I am 100% sure I always will. I thank you all for all of your advice- it was all very insightful and helpful and I couldn't have come to this decision without it. I will more than likely be posting updates because it is why I joined! Thanks for all the support!
  13. I need to spend more quality time with my SO but I don't know what to do! Anyone have any ideas for bonding with someone when you are already in a seriously committed relationship? I want some alone time where we can talk but also have some fun. When we sit at home, we usually end up doing our own thing- one of us watching tv, the other on the computer or whatever. We live in a town where there isn't much to do (no mall, no activity centers like laser tag or bowling...)PLEASE HELP!!!!!
  14. Have you considered or tried temporarily going on medication?
  15. I know it hurts! I can empathize. I have been through similar. It is so hard when so much falls on you at once but don't give up!!! Life is full of downs like these!!! But it is also so full of wonderful highs!!!!!! Perhaps you should consider seeing a school counselor- when I was in college and my high school sweetheart (of three years) and I broke up, I was just as devestated. It is sometimes not beneficial to talk to peers. Many don't understand. I went to a counselor and it really helps just to have someone listen and not judge and counselors are perfect for this! Also, surround yourself with friends and family, people who love you. Society teaches us that we aren't much without men but that is completley untrue! It's something you need to retrain your brain on!! Don't let go of your career- getting through college and starting a career is so self-satisfying! Find a new passion (that does not include men or anyone for that matter) that makes you feel good- exercising or volunteering somewhere, maybe. But don't give up! If you need someone to talk to, someone who won't judge and who has been through a very similar situation, you are free to PM me anytime. Let yourself get some help and hang in there!!!!
  16. A girl I was very good friend's with had an abortion (over a year ago). It is something I do not agree with but I tried to help her, I tried not to judge. I was there for her home pregnancy test, I took a day off work to go to the doctor's with her... I also tried to persuade her not to do it- she was already 5 months pregnant. I told her she could live with me for free, I told her I would do anything and I would have. I tried to talk her into putting her baby up for adoption instead. I know she was torn (she and her b/f were on the verge of breaking up before they found out about the pregnancy) but I feel she made a selfish decision- she was just about 6 months pregnant when she went through with the abortion- and I don't think a pregnancy means people HAVE to be together or HAVE to get married and I had told her I would be there for her for everything and anything, minus the abortion of course. I don't think of her the same way- I don't hold it against her, I don't throw it in her face everyday but I can't be her true friend again. She is very mad at me because she says I abandoned her and I am mad at her because she only sees her side of this whole thing. Had I not been so involved in everything, it might be different. On one hand, I feel bad and know what she has to live with is just about punishment enough but on the other, it WAS her decision and she had TONS of people offering their help and I just can't ignore what I think. We barely talk anymore and when we do, it's more fighting with each other than anything else. Part of me still wants to help her but I'm not sure how I would and she can be the type of person who doesn't want help, who seems more content to be miserable if that makes sense. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do?
  17. Congratulations on finding such a wonderful relationship! My advice to you is to keep talking as much as possible and always be honest with one another. Maybe once a month, send her a flower or a card to let her know you are still in love with her and still thinking of her. See each other when possible and don't do anything to break the trust. It's hard enough with little or no trust when you can see each other everyday- dealing with it long distance can be a relationship killer! Long distance can be difficult but it isn't impossible! And it sounds like you two are very committed to one another so the outlook is looking good!
  18. I have thought of this possibility but it pains me more to think WE were the reason he did it. I don't understand, if this was the reason, why he didn't try to contact us.. why did he just disappear? We never wanted him out of our lives and maybe we didn't communicate that but I don't remember ever making it seem like that. I do ask why and I wish someone could tell me. I have looked and looked for his obituary, for anything hoping to get more insight. I don't even know how it happened... and maybe I don't want to. I wish I knew who he was involved with- family, friends, or whoever- before he did it. What he was like, what he was going through... anything would be nice. I just don't know how to deal with it...
  19. Sex is a way of giving yourself up intimately to someone. It's meant to be a loving act, especially when you agree to commit to someone. In some ways, it's allowing someone to become a part of you, to touch your soul. And by agreeing to be in a committed relationship, you are giving up your right to do such a thing. That is why it is so wrong.
  20. Hello all- I pretty much just need to get this out and I don't feel I can dicuss this with anyone else so this seems like a good place to go. When I was in about 3rd/4th grade (I don't exactly remember a whole lot from that time in my life) my parents divorced and it was nasty. Both trash talking each other, my father trashing my mother's new boyfriend... the worst part of it was that my brothers and I had to choose who to live with. My father was, unfortunately, not the best. He got to the point where he beat my brothers and I and that made us want to go live with our mom. None of us wanted to hurt our dad's feelings, we just missed our mom. Well, one day when I was in 6th grade, my father dropped us off at our mom's and never came back. He wrote me a letter once and that was the last I heard from him. Well, my mom ended up marrying her new boyfriend and our new step-dad adopted us. This happened on the first day of my freshman year in high school. About a month later, we found out that my father had killed himself. My brothers cried and I tried to be sad but I hadn't seen him in so long and I was still so hurt and angry with him for just disappearing. Well, my father's mother refused to allow us to go to the funeral because, in her head, we had abandoned him. I pushed this all to the back of my head until I was about 19, when I decided to go look for his grave. I found it in his home state by accident (a friend of mine went with me and we looked through all the major grave sites and just happened to spot an old, hidden one off the side of the highway and parked RIGHT next to his grave) and still, not much remorse was felt. The biggest feeling I had was confusion. Why did he kill himself? Why did he leave us? My mother and her husband told us that he was there the day we got adopted to give up his rights as father. Is this true or did they make him out to be a bad guy trying to spare our feelings? I don't know what's real and what is made up, I don't know if he really ever loved me or not. I saw a drawing of someone that looked exactly like my real dad last night and I almost cried- but it mostly just made my heart hurt, not knowing the truth. Has anyone else out there ever dealt with this or even just dealt with a parental suicide? How do you deal with it? How do you get closure? How do you accept what they did? How can I get over this?
  21. I am just not sure they would accept it and be willing to move past it with me. I am afraid my SO would rather move past it on their own. I am not sure my SO would realize how regretful I am for it and I guess I don't really know how to make them see that I am. My SO tends to disregard things I say as just words... and I guess I don't blame them but that is a big issue for me.
  22. After reading everyone's response, I guess I should add a little more. I never lost feelings for my SO, I just felt neglected- like I was not a priority. I know that what happened is due to my own personal problems and nothing else but that is not my problem here. I am fully aware of what my faults are and that I need to work on them- what I am dealing with and need advice on is this guilt I am feeling. Will it truly ruin our relationship the way everyone says it will? My SO is everything to me- the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I do not want to lose them. All I want to do is the right thing for our relationship, for my SO. I am beyond what is right for me because, in this situation, it is not me who deserves such a thing. And I am 100% positive something like this will never, ever happen again. Thank you all for the advice so far and maybe this helps you all understand the situation better??
  23. Hello all. I am new here and this is the reason I joined. I made a mistake. I cheated. It was once and the only thing that happened was kissing but it is still cheating because I liked it and I wanted it and I had feelings for this person. I didn't feel guilty for a while because I got very good at the whole denial thing... but I saw this person recently and I hung out with them (not alone and nothing happened) but it made me remember what I did. Now I feel horrible. So completely guilty. I realize what a huge mistake I made and I will NEVER do it again. My significant other knows but I have not confirmed it. I have denied it every time they bring it up and they have finally let it go. I don't know what to do now. I am starting to act the part of a guilty cheater- I feel like my partner is distant or upset about something but I know it's not really how they feel, it's just my guilty conscious. What should I do? It was a one time mistake and I do have a reason (not the same as an excuse, I know it was wrong)- my partner and I were going through a really hard time, I moved to a place where I knew no one and they had no time for me and I was lonely and I was desperate for attention I was not recieving from my partner so I sought it out else where. We have gotten over that bump in the road and have made a deeper commitment to one another. So- now do I tell my partner, when everything is so good in our relationship and we are beginning to take the next steps? Or do I suffer and let the guilt eat at me because it is what I deserve? If I do that, will it ever go away or will it ruin our relationship just like coming clean would? Someone, anyone, please help but please do not judge too quickly. I know what a huge, terrible mistake I have made... once a cheater, always a cheater is not true- I know it will never, ever happen again.
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