I may need your help with "No Contact"

[ImThatGirl]

I can't write a short post for anything! Please see the most important piece of this at the bottom in bold if you don't have time to read.

 

I bury my head in shame as I start this post. I've been writing about my relationship issues for the past four months.

 

I'm over him. I'm not over him. I broke up with him. We're still together. And on and on and on.

 

I'm ready now. I'm really ready now!

 

My bf (ex bf) and I have been through many ups and downs. The main issues are his lack of ability to treat me with kindness, respect, and consideration. Although it's been a rough road, I've been here to support him through much including the birth of his daughter by and ex. There's not many advantages for me in this picture. It's truly all about him. And I am better off away from him.

 

 

You see my bf (ex bf) has constantly criticized my every move. A couple weeks ago I told him I was done. After I got off the phone, I knew I'd hear from him again. And I did, the next day. He reminded me of a party I agreed to go to. So everyday for that week, he contacted me while I focused on the important things and people in life. I was over him but a selfish part of me decided to go to the party, meet his co-workers, stay out of town for a night with him. The next day, he insisted we spend the whole day together. Our first time really hanging out for a day and I met his mother.

 

In a sense it was great; finally he was treating me how I deserve to be treated. However, I was pretty sure it was just an increased attempt at kindness - but part of the pattern we constantly go through.

 

He stopped by Sunday after my kiddies were in bed.

I had locked my bedroom door and closed it by mistake. I had to take the doorknob off to get it open from the outside. Couldn't figure out how to put it back on. (all b4 he got there.) He proceeded to call me an Idiot.

 

Then Wednesday, he stopped by (without calling first.)

A girl that has posted disrespectful remarks on his myspace had posted a comment "He called me just didn't want to post on his page) on a mutual friend of ours page. I don't care that he's friends with her. However, I'm not happy about her flaunting "he called me." So I pointed out that's why I did not like her calmly. He pointed the finger at me - I should not look at other peoples myspace pages. (nib)

 

A few minutes later I told him to have a good night and sent him on his way.

 

Sent him a text message saying something like "thanks for the slap in the face."

And left him a voicemail the next morning.

 

I noticed he deleted his Myspace account that night. Something I am surprised he did.

 

I have not heard from him since he left my house that night. I have set small goals for myself. Like yesterday: I promise I will not call him before noon tomorrow and I will not answer his calls. I'm setting 24 hour increments because if I promise I will never call him, I personally am more likely to give in to the pressure.

I'm doing good right now. But worry that I will need support in not contacting him. So please if you have any words of encouragement, post away.

[NolaDarling]

I know exactly what you are going through. And if you think your post was long I urge you to check out the novel that I wrote, "I am done with him...AGAIN"! LOL "Do nothing"! Don't call him. Don't text message him "thanks for the slap in the face". Don't respond when he tries to contact you. I know it will be hard...TRUST ME! But fight the urge to do anything! Let your actions speak louder than you words.

[Scout]

Hi, ThatGirl...write down a list of everything he has ever done or said that made you feel disrespected, criticized, and unloved.

 

I bet the list will go on pretty long...and just writing it down will help reinforce your conviction that it's time to end this relationship for good. Every time you have a moment where you second-guess your decision, read over the list.

[Siriana]

Hi, ThatGirl...write down a list of everything he has ever done or said that made you feel disrespected, criticized, and unloved.

 

I bet the list will go on pretty long...and just writing it down will help reinforce your conviction that it's time to end this relationship for good. Every time you have a moment where you second-guess your decision, read over the list.

 

 

This is a perfect idea!

I know when I wonder if some ex'es were really such huge jerks or I was really angry at the time, I go trough my old threads on ena.

And when I see all the things that have been going on...I know I decided right how they were bad for me.

[Honey Pumpkin]

He sounds HORRIBLE. Good for you for moving on. I think that the first few days of anything are hard, because you're getting used to it.

 

The tip I like is to not think of great long stretches of time of no contact, but take it day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute if necessary. It's about breaking the habit. You may feel the urge to contact him, but that fierce urge will pass. Do something else. Take deep breaths and let them out slowly. Drink a glass of water. Post on here and have us all shout at you to not contact him! You CAN do this, honestly.

[ImThatGirl]

Nola, Ellie, Scout, Pumpkin, Syrix - - - Thank You All!

 

I know and have known the right thing to do for a long time.

 

Just now, I started feeling like I could be sick. I don't even want to be with him. I know I accepted the way he treated me but I'll never understand why I felt compelled to stay for so long. And I know this sense of panic that hit me will go away. I can't wait to get off work. I'm always better away from work!

 

Nola - Thanks! I will check out your thread!

 

Ellie - Yes I know you are all here for me and my many friends - All of my Angels. Have to correct one thing in my original thread. I promised myself I would not answer the first call (if he called.) Because I couldn't promise myself to ignore more. That's where he catches me - He calls over and over! Thank you for your caring words!

 

Scout - Syrix - I will probably do that by the end of the day. I have my journal I can read through. (Actually wrote a list on there a couple weeks ago.) And my mental file that is pretty fresh. Thank you!

 

Pumpkin - Your words are very true! It is about breaking the habit. He has become a very unhealthy habit!

 

 

I have had a hard time walking away from him because I have felt obligated to be here during his time of need. Like I'd be abandoning him if I ended our relationship. The fact that he stopped contacting me after Wed makes it easier but I am hoping and praying that he will not attempt to contact me again. But praying even more for strength to get through this without answering.

[rocio]

We can be idiots together, because I've locked myself out of my bedroom and had to break back in on more than one occasion.

 

I'm behind you 100% on this. You can do it.

[ImThatGirl]

We can be idiots together, because I've locked myself out of my bedroom and had to break back in on more than one occasion.

 

I'm behind you 100% on this. You can do it.

 

 

Chuckles....! Thank you Hazey!

 

I think I'm just going to keep repeating:

 

"Sigh - You are such an idiot" to myself all day. That may make it easier.

 

You know, I've never had anyone call me an idiot before. I used to cry when he'd make degrading comments to me. It didn't hurt when he called me an idiot. It didn't make me sad or really mad. It's expected from him. I just blew it off - didn't even comment on it.

 

Another thing he did this week. We were on the phone Monday night I think.

Told him I was staying up for awhile to mop my floor. (My sister had stayed the night while I was out of town - the floor was very messy.) Anyway - he made some critical comment. I responded "If you think I'm a bad housekeeper or dirty then let's stop being together." Then I changed the subject - talked for a few minutes pausing for a response. No response - I eventually realized he wasn't going to respond. Hung up. Called him got his voicemail. He called me back. I asked what happened. He said he had to brush his teeth and I was talking so he just put the phone down without asking me to hold on.

[Iceman26]

Hi, ThatGirl...write down a list of everything he has ever done or said that made you feel disrespected, criticized, and unloved.

 

I bet the list will go on pretty long...and just writing it down will help reinforce your conviction that it's time to end this relationship for good. Every time you have a moment where you second-guess your decision, read over the list.

 

I agree with this method. You shouldn't be with someone who treats you that way and talks to you that way. You must tell yourself that you deserve better than this.

[ImThatGirl]

A few things that make this hard. Going to admit it. Altho I know I can raise above these issues. I know I can.

 

1) I feel like I'm addicted to this. Is that co-dependency?

2) He has an attorney appt on Monday that I was supposed to go to. He needs to get expert advice on his situation but has no voice. He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help.

3) I feel like he could be depressed or mixed up and like I am abandoning him.

[ImThatGirl]

On the other hand.

 

I know I am:

Beautiful

Strong

Fond of being Single and ultimately independent.

Happier without him in the picture.

Worth more than what he has to offer.

 

That there are no positives to being with him.

 

So I have to make sure I don't allow the issues above to seep into my mind. And I'll be alright.

[Scout]

Perhaps you are "addicted" to trying to fix things for people, to save them. Hard to say.

 

I have a friend who has been in a long-term relationship with someone who repeatedly dumps her, and also has a drug problem. But she seems to have decided he is her "project" although she won't admit it, and also yelled at me when I suggested it to her.

[Siriana]

1) I feel like I'm addicted to this. Is that co-dependency?

No, just a habit. Some people treat you bad to make your confidence smaller so you could stay attached to them.

 

2) He has an attorney appt on Monday that I was supposed to go to. He needs to get expert advice on his situation but has no voice. He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help.

According to him you are an idiot, so i don't know how you could help him

 

3) I feel like he could be depressed or mixed up and like I am abandoning him.

Good for you. If you were depressed he would abandon you.

 

As scout said, looks like you are trying to make him your project: you would like to save him, to mold him, to make him perfect and than to live happily ever after.

I suggest find someone ready for happily ever after because even than it's damn hard.

Being a so-called saver is mission impossible.

[Scout]

He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help.

 

Ok, I gotta point something out here, too. While I don't doubt that he criticizes you and disrespects you in certain ways, you appear to have some contempt for him, as well. This is a belittling comment about him, too. So this isn't just a one-way street.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you respect each other very much. I cannot imagine any relationship being fulfilling and happy if respect is not part of the basic foundation. So, yeah...it's probably best to cut this off once and for all.

[ImThatGirl]

True - I have apparently taken this on as a project.

Which doesn't usually happen. I don't want a project. And I know and accept him for who he is, someone that I will never be happy with. I haven't been trying to fix him as much as help him.

[renaissancewoman101]

I'mThatGirl, I understand how you are feeling. I am one of those types that will fight to stay in a relationship, no matter how bad it is for me, esp if I see the guy suffering and I know/think I know that I can help him. I've always been the person who likes to help people and I seem to pick guys who have some flaw or another and I get into relationships with them in order to try to help them, be there for them, etc. I don't think I am attracted to guys who have their crap together.

 

So, with him and the lawyer appt, you feel guilty not being there for him because you think he is going to mess up without you being there and "talking" for him, and then if he messes up, then you are going to internalize it and blame YOURSELF for not being there to help him. Well, he is a BIG BOY now and it is up to HIM to speak up for his issues, take care of himself, etc. You dont need to take care of him and it doesnt help you any because he doesn't show you the same consideration when you need help.

 

It's hard to break away from that because I've always had the mentality that I would rather help people and give up myself to help them. It always makes me sad when the person I love and care about, doesn't want my help and then I see them mess up. I kind of like to take care of people so they dont have to hurt. I think I am like this because I was never really "taken care" of emotionally while growing up and it was hard on me

[ImThatGirl]

Thanks a bunch!

[Lady Bugg]

Scout has a good point....

 

Another point is that sometimes we will put up with bad behavior because

eventually it feels "normal" or comfortable to us. I know that sounds terrible....but it's happened to me too.

 

Trying to save, or rescue a person is emotional torture. DON'T DO IT!!!

The ONLY person who appreciates it is you...not the person you are trying to help.

 

ITG...No offense but this guy sounds like a total LOSER. He put the phone down to brush his teeth while you were talking??? ICK.

Called you an idiot......REAL classy ..........

You DEFINETELY deserve better than this toolbox.

 

SO do this........

Put on Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive"

turn it up REAL loud.....

and lip synch to it with your hairbrush in the mirror.....

 

If nothing else you'll get a good laugh...for today at least

[ImThatGirl]

Ok, I gotta point something out here, too. While I don't doubt that he criticizes you and disrespects you in certain ways, you appear to have some contempt for him, as well. This is a belittling comment about him, too. So this isn't just a one-way street.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you respect each other very much. I cannot imagine any relationship being fulfilling and happy if respect is not part of the basic foundation. So, yeah...it's probably best to cut this off once and for all.

 

 

Thank you for pointing that out Scout.

 

When he is good to me, I seem to have a different mode of thinking. Ex: If we were at the positive time of our pattern, I'd have said: My bf isn't very good at communicating due to his utmost desire of avoiding conflict.

 

I do have some contempt for him. His lack of being able to communicate effectively affects every part of his life.

- Our relationship.

- The situation with his ex. He complains about her, seems to hate her, yet won't tell her "we are not getting back together," because he doesn't want to have to deal with her reaction or the possibility of her going for the highest child support.

- He specifically asked me to write out a list of questions for his attorney. And to go with him. I can just imagine him at this appt with a stranger trying to explain his case. It's not going to go well.

 

He withdrawls from everyone to avoid any type of conflict or judgement.

 

So yes, you are right, I do have contempt for him. After sitting through this treatment for six months and attempting to give my everything and he doesn't even have the decency to contact me or state that our relationship is over or that he needs time to think at the least. Yes, I do. And that was a hateful way of saying he's not a good communicator.

[Scout]

So yes, you are right, I do have contempt for him. And that was a hateful way of saying he's not a good communicator.

 

Well...I'm not saying he hasn't done some things that have eventually led to these feelings. I'm just suggesting if you don't respect him either...what's the point?

[ImThatGirl]

Ren, you make very good points.

 

I have a hard time accepting that something is just not going to work and that I should walk away. I'd almost rather stay if I can be of help. I suppose this is normal or a pattern for me too. I always feel badly for others and will stay until staying is no longer an option.

 

I know what it's like to be with him day in day out. I know that I will have to sacrifice my own qualities in order to be what he wants me to be.

 

And I will worry about his appointment. And if he and I talk after the appointment (I don't plan to,) I know he will place blame on me. "If you wouldn't have stopped talking to me and went with me then the appt would have been more effective."

 

Thank you Ren!

[ImThatGirl]

Lady Bugg - I have been singing at the top of my lungs for a few weeks and actually preparing for this. I am much stronger than I was a month and a half ago.

 

And yes, trying to save or rescue is emotional torture. I often thought of our relationship as "self mutilation."

 

And thanks for commenting about him brushing his teeth. That's a perfect example of his disrespect and inconsideration. Perfect. And it honestly makes me laugh to think, wow, he really did that?

[ImThatGirl]

Well...I'm not saying he hasn't done some things that have eventually led to these feelings. I'm just suggesting if you don't respect him either...what's the point?

 

Thank you much. I do sincerely appreciate all your points Scout!

 

It's hard for me to explain this. And I guess it's hard for me to admit that I don't respect him really.

 

When things are good between us, I try so hard to convince myself that I do respect him. And I actually defend him to no end and support him.

 

Maybe it's a difference of what I'm trying to convince myself of. I truly know that he is lacking in many things that I can't accept. And I can assure you that when I have expressed these things, I do so in a respectful manner.

 

But yes... Very good point and reminder.

- I no longer respect him.

- I don't even like him.

- He doesn't fit the bill. To me, he will always lack something no matter how good he treats me at this point.

So rather than feeling like I'm abandoning him, can I think about it as I am doing him a favor?

[Lady Bugg]

I think rather than seeing it as "abandoning HIM" you are saving YOURSELF...just keep reminding yourself..he is an adult and he has to

fend for himself. Whether it's with YOU or anyone else..he IS who he is.

Nothing is going to change that.

[ImThatGirl]

So far so good everyone!

 

I went out with a co-worker for lunch. Got some things I needed around the house and then went and bought more hats and scarves for my kids.

 

A little bit of a busy lunch but that's what I need right now.

 

I'm not even a bit tempted to contact him. And looking forward to this weekend!