I may need your help with "No Contact"

[ImThatGirl]

Must note:

 

When he just disappears or practices the silent treatment, I usually give in to the following panics!

 

1) What if something is wrong with him? What if he's not able to contact me like a car accident or something? (Completely irrational.)

 

2) What if he needs me more than ever now but doesn't know how to reach out?

 

I am a person that typically shows that I care about my friends and family as much as possible. The one thing I never do is allow lots of silence to pass. I also make sure that I tell someone if I'm going to be unavailable for a couple of days.

 

I had an ex boyfriend that I dated for years (through highschool and until I was 20.) It was an unhealthy relationship. We loved each other to pieces but weren't good for each other at that age. I moved on. I got pregnant with my son. After I had my son, my ex and I would touch base every month or so. When I became single again, he was interested in a relationship again. I wouldn't allow myself to get close to him. I had a child to take care of and could not take the chance of getting swallowed by emotions. A couple years later, he started stopping by to start my car for me and have coffee before work. I still loved him and was thinking of the possibilities. I did not tell him. He passed away in a car accident. I never had the chance to tell him. And I wasn't there to protect him. (Of course I realize I could not have protected him but still...)

 

So - anyhow - now I have a hard time with not expressing my feelings or walking away from people even if I know they are at a difficult point in life.

 

I am not going to contact him though. Not going to.

[NolaDarling]

1) I feel like I'm addicted to this. Is that co-dependency?

YES YES YES

Just like a drug...you know its no good for you but you continue to do it-even though you are fully aware of the consequences and the negative impact that it has on your life. There is a love-hate relationship that you have with your addiction. So if you know that you need to give up this addiction/habit why is it so hard to do so? Why does it seem impossible? Because you are obviously getting some sort of pay-off from this behavior. Have you thought about it that way? For example, with drugs the pay off could be socialization time with friends or a temporary escape from reality.

What is the pay-off that you are getting from being in this relationship? I had to ask myself the same question and I can say that the main pay-off that I get/got from this relationship is/was companionship. I am AFRAID of being alone. Oh and of course...mind blowing sex! LOL *Damn, why does he have to be so good in bed??!!* It seems like all of my friends are now getting married and I hate being the single one. I have a wedding coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm freaking out trying to figure who is going to be my +1. You can't go to a wedding by yourself! Me and my ex were supposed to be going together. But is just being to say that you are in a relationship/you have a boyfriend worth all this pain? And yes, I do believe you are a co-dependent like me. I need to be needed. I am a fixer upper. I have a tendency of looking at people as projects. I am working on this. But in order to fix a problem you have to first acknowlegde the problem!

 

2) He has an attorney appt on Monday that I was supposed to go to. He needs to get expert advice on his situation but has no voice. He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help.

 

SO WHAT! That is his problem! NOT yours! When my ex had a problem, it was automatically my problem. I did everything that I could to "help" but now I realize that I was enabling him. You are not his mother and you don't want him to look at you in that way either. It is human nature for men to be the provider. He should be the one taking care of you...not vice versa. So when you do everything for him you are demasculizing him. You are not letting him be a man. He is a GROWN man...he WILL get through this on his own. And if he does end up not gaining anything....that is HIS PROBLEM. Why should he put much effort into anything when he knows that you will take care of things.

 

3) I feel like he could be depressed or mixed up and like I am abandoning him.

 

It sounds to me that you may be the one suffering from a bit of depression. I can say this because I know I am as well. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Make yourself your priority. Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? Most likely not. You are not abandoning him...you are abandoning yourself!

[Dilly]

I responded "If you think I'm a bad housekeeper or dirty then let's stop being together." Then I changed the subject - talked for a few minutes pausing for a response. No response - I eventually realized he wasn't going to respond. Hung up. Called him got his voicemail. He called me back. I asked what happened. He said he had to brush his teeth and I was talking so he just put the phone down without asking me to hold on.

 

UNFATHOMABLE!!! VERY GAMEY!!! VERY VERY VERY WRONG!!! VERY DISRESPECTFUL!!! VERY RUDE!!! VERY MUCH AN ATTEMPT TO INVALIDATE YOU!

 

You know me, I'll be posting more as I continue to read through this thread. On page 1. GRRRRRRRRRR, he makes me angry. Did he laugh when he called you an idiot or did he have an annoyed tone? My ex- used to call me an idiot but he did so through laughter and it was almost playful and loving because I was being harder on myself and he was lightening the load (his tone was easy and playful).

[Dilly]

A few things that make this hard. Going to admit it. Altho I know I can raise above these issues. I know I can.

 

1) I feel like I'm addicted to this. Is that co-dependency?

2) He has an attorney appt on Monday that I was supposed to go to. He needs to get expert advice on his situation but has no voice. He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help.

3) I feel like he could be depressed or mixed up and like I am abandoning him.

 

He's a mean victim. He plays the "victim" when he gets what's coming to him and continues his mean streaks. It's obvious he has communication issues which is only like the most important aspect of a good relationship. He shuts down easily and feels sorry for himself which is what my Robert does. It's so much easier to leave the relationship when he doesn't get you to REACT, to kick him out, to hang up. The best way to end the relationship (impending) might be to do it when you are NOT feeling emotional, when he has NOT caused you to hang up or yell or complain. You've had some silent moments in this little storm but you want so badly to help him.

 

I've been asking you all along if you are sure, if you aren't overly sensitive, etc etc. However, he's got you figured out and isn't bringing out YOUR best traits. What's he doing for YOU to make YOUR life better, to improve YOUR circumstances??? Sure, he gave your kids gifts ... but ...

 

still reading the thread (top of page 2), my feeling is you won't feel good about ending the relationship until you do so out of the ACTION mode. You felt emotional when you sent him on his way - you will still feel emotional.... when/if you do it in the future... but maybe you can do it at a time when it's less of a REACTION, more of a necessary ACTION. I held on when my ex's brother died until the trial convicting the man who wrecklessly killed him (car accident). I then, held on until other milestones passed and finally, moved out.

 

With Robert, I never feel good about kicking him out, hanging up the phone, or being rude/abrupt. If we break up, it will have to be on CALM TERMS on my part. So that I don't ever second guess myself.

[Dilly]

Ok, I gotta point something out here, too. While I don't doubt that he criticizes you and disrespects you in certain ways, you appear to have some contempt for him, as well. This is a belittling comment about him, too. So this isn't just a one-way street.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you respect each other very much. I cannot imagine any relationship being fulfilling and happy if respect is not part of the basic foundation. So, yeah...it's probably best to cut this off once and for all.

 

 

I can't help but see this as a shining beam of wisdom. You don't even really like him that much.

[Dilly]

Scout has a good point....

 

Another point is that sometimes we will put up with bad behavior because

eventually it feels "normal" or comfortable to us. I know that sounds terrible....but it's happened to me too.

 

Trying to save, or rescue a person is emotional torture. DON'T DO IT!!!

The ONLY person who appreciates it is you...not the person you are trying to help.

 

ITG...No offense but this guy sounds like a total LOSER. He put the phone down to brush his teeth while you were talking??? ICK.

Called you an idiot......REAL classy ..........

You DEFINETELY deserve better than this toolbox.

 

SO do this........

Put on Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive"

turn it up REAL loud.....

and lip synch to it with your hairbrush in the mirror.....

 

If nothing else you'll get a good laugh...for today at least

 

Hilarious and true!!! Like I said, that whole phone thing where he let you talk is about as disrespectful as it gets. With this kind of attitude towards your feelings and complaints, it's amazing anything you say ever resonates with him. He is simply NOT SENSITIVE TO YOUR NEEDS and adopting the idea that many low-class guys have that a woman is nagging when she complains.

[Batya33]

I think you're doing just fine and make sure you have plenty of positive reinforcement for each day you maintain NC. You do not owe him anything and have done enough in the way of being supportive.

[Dilly]

The thing I hear you saying here is that you feel true to yourself when you are open and communicative and that when you keep things bundled inside, it feels wrong, depraved, and painful OR when you feel others are doing the same (keeping things inside). I've noticed that you keep some things in your relationship quiet when you should talk about them, but could that be because this J gives you the silent treatment or invalidates you every time you have an issue to address with him. You want his attention and you want him to take you serisouly, GFD. I know where you're coming from more than you know.

 

I would ask him to meet you to talk about the relationship in a public place and I would write down a list of your issues (not a list of past issues, but a list of issues like:

 

1) you feel he is insensitive to your needs.

2) you feel he is not able to effectively communicate where he stands with people.

3) you feel he is too critical and unappreciative fo you and your communication on this topic continues to result in him shutting down or insulting you for feeling that way.

4) you feel he needs to do more to enrich your life.

 

Keep it general and do not defend yourself. Be honest. The whole don't-call-him-no-contact thing doesn't work with you because he's already stated that he knows you'll come grovelling back. He's said that or something to that effect before, right? He is counting on you feeling bad about this little issue and it's a damn shame he couldn't have called you and told you why he deleted his myspace... but instead he's trying to keep you guessing.

 

I would try to stay as neutral as possible, no disappointment (you've already been there and had it). The great thing about all this is that this is YOUR GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to be true to yourself and confront him about the issues you have WITHOUT DEFENDING EACH ONE WITH SPECIFIC DETAILS. Keep the list short and tell him like it is. These are true feelings that you have and they have been there for a long time and thus, going through the origin of these feelings is not worth either your time, effort, or his. He will only use it as an opportunity to tell you you are being petty and immature.

 

I would tell him these are your feelings. You wanted him to know the issues because youre RETHINKING THE RELATIONSHIP and want to give him the fair opportunity to address them without making promises or fighting. You are just telling him in a formal way your feelings and you can even start the conversation by telling him you want to help him if you can and that you DO HAVE WARM FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM, but... you are not being TRUE TO YOURSELF by remaining in the relationship with the issues that continue to be outstanding.

 

I vote for talking to him, not being emotional, and doing it at a time when you can be in control of your emotions, if not stoic.

[Dilly]

Maybe I should read your title - NO CONTACT is your goal... Ignore last post.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you, Batya!

 

Dilly, You Rock!

Thank you for all of your input!

I have decided no contact is definitely the best for me. I just can't do this anymore. Two Fridays ago, I had my head set, I was going to tell him it was over and why it was over. I did.

Remember that's the convo where he said he guesses ever since I told him he talked at me that no matter how good he treated me, I'd end up leaving him. End of our convo, I knew it wasn't over. I knew I'd hear from him again. And I did every single day often (almost constantly.)

 

I can talk til I'm blue in the face but he will take that as me still caring and this will be the discussion phase of our pattern and the following week would be the "I can treat you good" phase and then all over again.

 

But yes, I must be honest. I'd love to have that golden moment to really tell him what I think and feel about our relationship. Point is though that it is just not worth it.

 

You know, I think I mentioned the myspace issue. He's probably waiting for me to call him and thank him over and over for being sweet enough to resolve that issue by deleting his myspace. That wasn't necessary. But that could be what he's waiting for.

 

Or maybe he's just leaving me in the dust like he does his other ex's and friends. He has a pattern and history of doing this to many. Just stop talking to them.

 

Soooo yep...! I'm letting him go! I'm done, done, done.

 

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR BEING SO SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING THROUGH ALL MY ISSUES WITH HIM!

[ImThatGirl]

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

[SuperDave71]

I'mThatGirl,

 

I am soooooo sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them to.

 

But...

 

 

HORRRRAY for you realizing that he is NOT good for you!! WOO HOO!!

 

 

ok.I am here to help.

 

 

Hmmmm.....I will need some help with this one though.

 

 

Scout,

 

Grab her and set her in a chair and hold her down.

 

 

LadyBug

 

Hold her shoulders .... I have to figure out a way to duct tape her to this chair and we can sit around and throw have eatten "Twinkies" at her head..JUST to make sure she falls prey to "The What if's".

 

 

Oh yeah....your cell phone is mine to. If he calls, we pretend to be pizza hut and claim that we have no idea who he is trying to call.

 

 

He will eventually go away! WOO HOO!!!

 

 

(The following post by SuperDave71 is silly. He has lost his mind because he is ready to go home for the week-end and has no life of his own. Remember, no animals were harmed during his moments of being silly.)

 

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK-END!!! DON'T BE SAD!!!!

 

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[ImThatGirl]

SuperDave - That was wonderful!!!!!!!!

 

I don't think I need to be duct taped this time though! lololol hehe - thank you for the smiles!

[SuperDave71]

HA HA!! MADE YA SMILE!!!

 

 

The fact is...you will get what you give....if you give nothing, that is what you will get in return. Your heart is golden I'mThatGirl. You have charisma and love to give freely for someone that deserves it.

 

I promise NOT to duct tape you...BUT...if you call him...I am soooo getting an airline ticket. The lady willl ask..."Any Baggage to check?" I will have my duct tape and I will respond...

 

 

"No ma'me, just CARRY ON!" HA HA HA HA

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Dilly]

Superdave is happy for you and you sound delighted in your resolve to be done with this poser of a boyfriend!!!

 

I like the fact that for once and for all, YOU ARE JOYFUL OVER YOUR BREAKUP, RELIEVED, ECSTATIC!!! FOLLOW YOUR BLISS - IT WILL NOT LEAD YOU ASTRAY!!!

 

This may be the beginning of a new fresh start. You could still help him as a friend but.... later... later... later. Sometimes when we rescue people from hard falls, they don't learn necessary lessons and he needs to learn about consequences now. You have talked till you are blue in the face.... he knows why this is the end. But now.. he has to think about it and deal with his own issues.

[ImThatGirl]

For some reason, I have the urge to call and yell at him.

 

I PROMISE I WON'T.

 

I'm going home now. Picking my son up and then going to visit family for a bit.

 

Bleh.... Thank you for being so wonderful everyone! I'm going to call a couple of my girlies on my way home. I'll be laughing in a matter of minutes!

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND DILLY! (I know you'll probably be busy the rest of the weekend!)

[Dilly]

AWWWWWWEEE! If you yelled at him, he would probably feel overjoyed and relieved and ... victorious! Not that this should boil down to a power play... but HUGS TO YOU, GIRLIE!!! I know this is hard and remember, there is no one right answer.

 

Child birthing classes tomorrow and man, I do wish I could get on here more during the weekend. I really need my wireless connection!!!

[ImThatGirl]

Aawww Childbirth Classes, Dilly! I wish I could go!!!!! You can come to work for me!

[ImThatGirl]

"I'm A Loosssserrrr Baby!!!!" (Singing)

 

I failed yesterday.

 

He called me. I ignored the call. Then ended up calling him 2 times and he did not answer. My kiddies were at their dad's for the night as I had to work tomorrow morning.

 

Note to self: Make Plans When Kids are at their Dad's!!! (Least for a couple of weeks.)

 

I know he doesn't have answers or at least that he won't say them. I know the only thing that may come out of us talking is me feeling bad or him acting like everything is okay between us.

 

So - - - Today is a new day. And I'm going to do better. I must, I must, I must.

 

(I didn't call a billion times but I still feel like a psycho for calling him twice.)

 

DAVE - WHERE'S THE DUCT TAPE??????

 

I wish I didn't have a cell phone handy at all times. I have to have it in case I need to be reached regarding my children. Bleh! I will not call him, I will not call him.

 

I don't even miss him. I just am in this anger / curiosity phase. Like what would he be like if I talked to him now. Sigh!!!

 

((( I'm full of smiles - working overtime today - won't call him, seriously! )))

[NolaDarling]

You have my number...YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME!!!! Well...today is a new day! Today is day 3 of NC for me. I have to admit that I am a bit down that he hasn't tried to contact me yet. Not like I would pick up or respond though if did. But I do wonder if he's thinking about me...if he misses me. Stupid, I know...

[Siriana]

I failed yesterday.

 

He called me. I ignored the call. Then ended up calling him 2 times and he did not answer.

 

Thats not so bad, he didn't pick up so you didn't hear his voice.

Delete his number from your cell.

[ImThatGirl]

You have my number...YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME!!!! Well...today is a new day! Today is day 3 of NC for me. I have to admit that I am a bit down that he hasn't tried to contact me yet. Not like I would pick up or respond though if did. But I do wonder if he's thinking about me...if he misses me. Stupid, I know...

 

I know - I should have! I will if it happens again!

 

I just feel the "ultimate rejection" I guess. Which I have deemed is better than the daily rejection that I get when I'm with him.

 

As you say, stupid I know. I don't want to talk to him yet I feel like he owes me an explanation. Which I don't need. Nor will I ever get. Nor does he really owe me.

 

Sigh!!!

[ImThatGirl]

I failed yesterday.

 

He called me. I ignored the call. Then ended up calling him 2 times and he did not answer.

 

Thats not so bad, he didn't pick up so you didn't hear his voice.

Delete his number from your cell.

 

 

Thank you Syrix! I will delete it. Problem is that even tho I save numbers in my phone, I usually dial them. So not much of a trigger.

 

I think that once I pick my kids up today, I'm going to turn my phone off. Completely. That way, I'll have no idea that he calls - and it won't get me thinking and wondering. (He NEVER leaves a voicemail.)

[Batya33]

That sounds good - and distractions like work are good, too. Good luck!!

[ImThatGirl]

Absolutely, Batya - Love work as a distraction!

 

Thank you for posting, It really means alot to me!

 

Typically, I never have time that I am truly "alone." When I do have that time, it is usually very relaxing. I guess last night, not having my kids with me, not having my friends to talk to on the phone, etc, and being on the road for a little more than an hour, I let his phone call and this situation eat away at me.

 

I did go straight to bed when I got home. I know I'll have to get used to this. And I will get used to it but last night was out of the norm. Now in a few days or a week if I'm alone, I think I'll be okay and not contact him.

 

I do know that I do need to learn to stand without talking to friends constantly, etc. I need to be strong and reflect on my decisions in the past few months and reflect on my future.