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I may need your help with "No Contact"

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You are a brilliant woman, full of reflection and self-analysis. You are a mother of two, capable of making decisions that are best for you and your family. As such, do you feel you need some outside intervention to come and physically help you refrain from contacting this guy? Honestly, I don't think you do.


I think what you are working on is gaining a realistic set of expectations re: J's place in your life and heart. It sounds to me as though you derive some benefit from communicating with him, be it a sense of satisfaction out of being compassionate (VALID), companionship (VALID), or simple knowledge that can impart wisdom to him (VALID). There is gain in each of those experiences.


I personally admire the generosity of your spirit and would only ask that you limit your generosity to the point at which you begin feeling aggrivated with him. You are patient and easy and dear. I don't think there is a wrong answer or a direct path, especially when you are imparting wisdom, possibly even teaching him lessons.


I'm not, as you know, a major proponent of NC or of turning my back on someone once the straw breaks the camel, but I do believe in remaining cognizant and setting boundaries and abiding by those boundaries and establishing a flowchart in your own mind to guide your actions, so that you are at least three steps ahead of the if/thens and you have the worst-case scenarios (and best) mapped out for self-protection and satisfaction.[/QUOTE]


Thank you, Dilly! For your compliments, your understanding, and for your time.


This clearly explains what I am unable to put into words. You are great with words!

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I think one has to look at whether to do NC in the same way as someone approaches drinking... some people can manage to drink in a way that does not devastate their lives, so that the drink is a big of fun, or fortification, etc., but they can walk away any time, not think about drinking all the time, not have it impact their own lives, work, thoughts. They have the drink, are happy with one, then go about their normal business...


but if a person is constantly craving drinking, can't think about much else, can't stop themselves from drinking so much it devastates them and their lives and takes over their thoughts, then that person should not drink at all because it is negatively impacting their life and health... it warps their judgment, causes them to made bad decisions, interferes with daily life, makes them unhappy, and is really an addiction. in such a case, the ONLY answer is to stop drinking entirely...


so some people can do fine with the ex, and treat it like an occasional drink, not harmful, maybe fun, but the majority of people are addicted to their ex immediately after a breakup, and continuing contact just feeds the craving and can lead to obsession and misery.


so if you can continue contact and still continue your own life without letting that contact take over your life in a negative way (obsessive thoughts, constant grieving etc.), then it is fine... but if the contact just feeds depression and constant longing and starts to interfere in your life in negative ways, then better to go into NC.

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BeStrongBeHappy - Thank you!


You put into words what I couldn't begin to convey clearly!


Months (or maybe just weeks) ago, I was very weak with all of this. It was affecting me. I know I talk about it alot on ena but this really does not engulf my life any longer. I think I'm at a good spot. And at the present time, just treating this like a friendship.

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that's great! lots of people can become friends again after a breakup, but it is hard in the beginning and does almost always become an obsession for a while because there are so many feelings involved...


but if you get some real closure and eventual awareness that the breakup with the right thing to do, and you're better as friends rather than partners, then it becomes easy to be friends if you really were good friends to begin with... but getting to that point is like kicking a bad habit, but what a relief to finally get there!


best of luck, it sounds like you are well on your way!

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Ellie, I am doing really good! My mom has training in the town I live in so she stayed the night last night and will be tonight too. (Cuts her drive time down.)


My children and I LOVE having family over! We don't usually see family through the week so this is a treat for all of us!

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Hey guys,



WOW!! ya gotta looooooove the Internet...I just bought 1000 rools fo duct tape for only 30.00! WOW!!!



Hmm...How many users do we have in the "Break-up and Getting back together " section?



Hmmmmm...man plane tickets are etting EXPENSIVE!!!







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I have to say - it was sooo much easier to do NC pre-internet, pre-cell phones, pre-answering machines (did not have one till 1991). Not going through NC right now, but I have had to do NC in "modern times" and it isn't easy. . . . . where was Superduct-tapeDAve when we needed him .. .

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I probably would only do NC if the situation was really, really bad (i.e. I found out he cheated on me and was not sure what who he wanted in his life and wanted to keep me waiting around, if he was threatening me or being violent, if he was making unreasonable demands on me or being relentless). I don't think NC will be an option I ever force myself into. However, I know it works for many people and I will support them if they are convinced that it is in their best interests (not to get the ex- back, but to move on when it is utterly necessary to).

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The time will come when you think of him and all you feel is nausea and you don't even WANT to contact him.


I had a boyfriend like yours for 7 months, he said things like idiot to me, criticized the food i cooked, criticized my personality, said i was too nervous (which i'm not), criticized my friends, said i talked slow like i was retarded, said i was disrespectful and only thought about myself, that the sex wasn't good, that he was just with me for the sex from behind, that .... god, it went on and on and on. thank GOD i can't remember everything he said to me and all the times he yelled at me. when i disagreed with him he threatened to break up with me, when he stood me up he'd blame me for having problems.... threatened to knock all my teeth out. blahblahblah.


And when I broke up with him finally, he pounded on my door for an hour and scared me, i almost called the police. i tried to be friends with him, and then he made me get out of the car and left me. another time, he wouldn't let me get out of the car while he yelled at me that he didn't even want to be friends with me. Every couple of months he'd contact me and tell me he loved me and wanted to be friends. I think the last time was sometime in September, I told him that if he called that love I'd rather die and that if he loves me to leave me alone. It took a few of my mean emails for him to drop off and leave me in PEACE.


With time, you will realize the same. The abuser needs you much, much more than you need him!!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you, Dear!!! Same ol issues... different month. He and I will have the same issues as long as we are attempting a relationship.


I wanted to discuss some things with him Friday night. He got all huffy puffy, packed his bags and left. I thought things would be different but you know I'm pretty sure if we ever got married, we'd be at least at an 80% risk for divorce because he is so avoidant! I told him if he left it was over.


I probably sent him 20 text messages from the time he left through yesterday afternoon. I gave him every opportunity to make amends but he responded with I think maybe we just need to take a break. We are on a break more than we are together! Anyway - I think through those 20 text messages, I got everything off of my chest. I don't have the urge to contact him at this point.


Thanks for the comment on my pic! I'm so not egotistical (my ex would disagree.) But dang it - I know I'm beautiful and everyone deserves to be treated well!


I actually changed my myspace to "single." I've never done that before. Just couldn't bring myself to do it... I did it last night and posted new pics of myself. Hopefully hopefully hopefully I don't hit a weak point....!


Thank you again!

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Still no contact with him. But I have a bit of anger that is eating me and has been for about the last half hour.


I have an urge to send him a text message but I won't. I'll post here instead. I know it sounds harsh but it's how I'm feeling...


- I hate you for staying .but never making any effort to make it work.

- I hate you more every second I don't hear from you.

- I hate you for walking away from me.


And rationally - I know he probably made effort in his own way.

I know "no contact" is good and 100% necessary and I'd probably tell him to never call me again if he did called.

I'm the one who said it was over when he decided to leave instead of have a conversation Friday night.


And lastly - - - I don't really hate anyone. Sigh...... And big smiles to get through this evening. Kind of can't wait til bedtime!

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Thank you bigheart! I hope you are doing well! I guess I prefer anger over crying! The good thing this time is that I sent all those text messages in the first 24 hours so really - the things I am thinking and angry about I've already told him. So no reason to contact him really.


I've been really busy with my little ones - especially with my daughters injury so the anger isn't getting the best of me. Still haven't attempted to contact him today.


Almost through day 2. Yay me!

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So - I REALLY need help with this now............


He started a new myspace page. With reasons for being a member as: dating, new relationships, and friends. Obviously I can handle friends.


But I can't grasp how someone can even think about a serious relationship 3 days after ending one. Quite clearly and brutally, I'm sure he hasn't given a damn about me for a very long time.


I need you help....

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Hi ThatGirl,


My bf and I just broke up yesterday, so I'm just beginning NC. It's been really hard, especially because of how cold and callous I know he can be and how he's always told me he usually "has someone new within days" after a relationship ends.


I know he's going to be going out with his friends, having fun, not thinking about me while I'm sitting here hurting. It feels like crap.


Maybe some of the things I'm doing can help you as well: I've told myself that


1) if he calls, I'm NOT going to answer (he called 3 times last night at 2am and I didn't pick up).


2) Don't allow yourself to look at his Myspace page for ANY reason. It will only cause you to feel bad if you see something you don't want to (my bf has a page on Facebook; I changed my settings so that if he comments on a page or changes something on his profile I won't know).


3) If he texts me, I don't read them. I just delete them (my bf had a tendency to be VERY hurtful in texts at times).


4.) Basically don't allow yourself to do anything that would cause more hurt. Keep yourself busy if possible and take things one day at a time. Also remember that what goes around comes around...NO ONE can go through life treating others badly and expect nothing bad to ever happen to them.


You can do it! Feel free to PM me if you need to. I'm going through the same thing but we'll make it


((HUGS)) Jenny

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