NolaDarling

Thank you guys so much for your responses...and you are all right! Its amazing how a few words of advice and encouragement can make you snap outta it and feel better! I have pretty much been staring at the computer for the past hour or so waiting for him to respond. After reading your messages, I just got up and put on my workout clothes and I'm about to head to the gym. But I had to reply to you guys first...so thank you! I have to change my perspective on the situation-its not about him having the upperhand. Breaking the NC rule was okay as it gave me the opportunity to verbalize my feelings. But I'm done talking...back to NC. And while the words in my email spoke pretty d*mn loud, I'm now going to let my actions speak even louder! Thank you guys again!

so to give you a little history this is the 3rd (or 4th) time I have broken up with him. The last time we broke up (in October) we both started dating other people. We decided a few weeks ago to work things out (its hard to break the cycle and just stay away), however I don't think he ever ended things with his coworker, Maria, like he said he did. So I checked his work email and found out that I was right. So after a little over a week of NC (i'm the dumper), for the past few days he's been blowing up my phone & inbox...I finally responded to one of his emails: X, stop trying to manipulate the situation. Why don't you hold yourself totally accountable for your actions? I would have had more respect for you if you came out and admitted to still dealing with/talking to/hanging out/dating(WHATEVA) Maria. Instead you lied...and continue to lie about still having anything to do with her...even after being confronted with proof. You can try to turn this around on me all you want. You can be pissed all you want about me previously checking your email. Like I said before, I DON'T CARE. If you were honest and trustworthy, I wouldn't have had to do that. So say XXXX to me about me checking your email-if you do, I'm done with this conversation because that is NOT THE ISSUE. The issue is you LIED and I had to find alternative ways to find out the truth. And even after confronted, you still wanna lie and tell me some BS, sorry XXX excuse talking about you set me up....PLEASE. What do you take me for? I guess I can't blame you though for trying that lame XXXX on me again...I mean, I have fallen for your BS time and time again in the past, right? However, that says to me that you have very little (if any) respect for me and shows total disregard for me and my feelings. "I'm not sure why you don't believe me; while I have tried to understand what I have done in the past for you to doubt my sincerity" WHAT??!! Are you kiddin' me??!! X, you have been NOTHING but TALK! You say you love me, you say you want to me with me...but your actions...they say something TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Your words mean very little to me now. What have you done to show me that you love me? I can list numerous of things that you have done to show me that you don't. Like calling me on 3-way with Maria on the phone and having her lie to me. I don't know what you told her or how you got her to go along with your BS story-but how dare you disrespect and embarrass me like that? Oh...you guys haven't talked in like 2 weeks...thats damn funny when I just read both of your emails that you had just sent THAT DAY. So thats the kinda chicks you like dealing with?! So what does all this say about you as a person and your character? That you will go to such great lengths to lie to someone you supposedly love? That you won't be a man about your XXXX and come clean when confronted with the truth? ************************************************** **** So I sent that about 2 hours ago and I haven't heard back from him. While I still feel strong...for some reason I just feel like I gave him the upperhand by sending that email. I feel sad and hurt again although I was fine before I sent it. Was this a set back? Perhaps I need to start back NC? I know I need to be done with him once and for all...its just hard and I'm honestly afraid of being alone. What do I do?

YES M! Please do say MORE. I think you could really use the advice and support right now... As for me...I'm hurting right now. Spent the last 2 days in bed. Called off work yesterday. Fighting the urge to contact him...Day 7 of NC

Well don't keep us in suspense...Or at least me! Did you respond to her text yet?

Dilly, she's okay! Not sure why she hasn't posted in 2 days but I have talked to her via text message. I will let her know that you asked about her...

You have my number...YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME!!!! Well...today is a new day! Today is day 3 of NC for me. I have to admit that I am a bit down that he hasn't tried to contact me yet. Not like I would pick up or respond though if did. But I do wonder if he's thinking about me...if he misses me. Stupid, I know...

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? Before you confront her you need to decide are you willing to forgive her. If not, WHAT IS THE POINT of hearing her excuses or reasons or whatever?! If you talk things out with her you are only giving her a chance to talk her way out of it or even turn it around on you ("Oh I wasn't getting enough attention from you" or "You are always working and we never spend time together anymore. I was lonely") And in regards to the other guy...unless he knew that she had a boyfriend, you really can't be mad at him! If he didn't know about you then he didn't do anything wrong! Now I just found out that the girl my ex was messin' around with knew he had a girlfriend (ME)...she even covered for him and lied to me saying that there was nothing going on between them anymore. So if anyone deserves to get their face smashed in its HER!!!

1) I feel like I'm addicted to this. Is that co-dependency? YES YES YES Just like a drug...you know its no good for you but you continue to do it-even though you are fully aware of the consequences and the negative impact that it has on your life. There is a love-hate relationship that you have with your addiction. So if you know that you need to give up this addiction/habit why is it so hard to do so? Why does it seem impossible? Because you are obviously getting some sort of pay-off from this behavior. Have you thought about it that way? For example, with drugs the pay off could be socialization time with friends or a temporary escape from reality. What is the pay-off that you are getting from being in this relationship? I had to ask myself the same question and I can say that the main pay-off that I get/got from this relationship is/was companionship. I am AFRAID of being alone. Oh and of course...mind blowing sex! LOL *Damn, why does he have to be so good in bed??!!* It seems like all of my friends are now getting married and I hate being the single one. I have a wedding coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm freaking out trying to figure who is going to be my +1. You can't go to a wedding by yourself! Me and my ex were supposed to be going together. But is just being to say that you are in a relationship/you have a boyfriend worth all this pain? And yes, I do believe you are a co-dependent like me. I need to be needed. I am a fixer upper. I have a tendency of looking at people as projects. I am working on this. But in order to fix a problem you have to first acknowlegde the problem! 2) He has an attorney appt on Monday that I was supposed to go to. He needs to get expert advice on his situation but has no voice. He sucks at communication and will end up leaving without gaining anything without my help. SO WHAT! That is his problem! NOT yours! When my ex had a problem, it was automatically my problem. I did everything that I could to "help" but now I realize that I was enabling him. You are not his mother and you don't want him to look at you in that way either. It is human nature for men to be the provider. He should be the one taking care of you...not vice versa. So when you do everything for him you are demasculizing him. You are not letting him be a man. He is a GROWN man...he WILL get through this on his own. And if he does end up not gaining anything....that is HIS PROBLEM. Why should he put much effort into anything when he knows that you will take care of things. 3) I feel like he could be depressed or mixed up and like I am abandoning him. It sounds to me that you may be the one suffering from a bit of depression. I can say this because I know I am as well. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Make yourself your priority. Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? Most likely not. You are not abandoning him...you are abandoning yourself!

Thank you so much for your reply "Imthatgirl". Okay...so I was doing so well...and now after reading your response, I'm getting teary eyed! LOL I'm so grateful for your response and its just comforting to know that someone out there is going through or has gone through what I am going through now. I would LOVE to buddy up with you on working through this! What is your story? When I have some free time around lunch I will read through some of your previous posts! Thanks again!

Only the end of the world is the end of the world! You are going to get through this. Tape your mouth should you have to when you go get your stuff this weekend but don't say more than hello and goodbye to the both of them. Show her that you are doing just fine without her...regardless of if its true or not.

I know exactly what you are going through. And if you think your post was long I urge you to check out the novel that I wrote, "I am done with him...AGAIN"! LOL "Do nothing"! Don't call him. Don't text message him "thanks for the slap in the face". Don't respond when he tries to contact you. I know it will be hard...TRUST ME! But fight the urge to do anything! Let your actions speak louder than you words.

I wish I read that yesterday morning, "Would you rather be right, or be happy". I totally regret sending that email to my bf's co-worker whom I know he's still seeing. She didn't respond rather forwarded the message to him. I just wanted some hard-core proof. But I had proof. I saw the emails between them. But I couldn't tell him that. I wanted to be able to show him that I KNEW. But that shouldn't have mattered. My gut instinct should have been enough proof for me as I am learning that your gut is usually right. Anyhow, last night wasn't bad at all. I was preparing myself for a really difficult night full of crying and a burning desire to contact him. But I experienced neither! I didn't shed a single tear last night! I will admit though that I was a bit disappointed to not receive a call, email or text message from hmi though. I wanted to put the NC into practice and to be been given the opportunity to ignore his contact attempt. But if this plays out like it has done time and time before, he will probably be trying to contact me by the end of next week. I just have to prepare myself so that I don't give in. So I'm finding that mornings now are kinda hard for me. I was fine last night but this morning I am kinda sad. But no tears. I will not allow myself to cry. Not that I'm against crying at all. Matter of fact I encourge it. However, I have shed one too many tears over 4 years for M. I received a text from him yesterday morning stating "Don't think this is going to work" after appearantly he learned about the email that I sent to his co-worker. We have both said that on numerous occasions and usually that is our "code" for "we need to talk". I didn't respond though, so yesterday was Day 1 of NC for me. So even though we have not "officially" broken up...its official enough for me.

Hello, I just wrote the post underneath yours..."I'm done with him...again". I just wanted to let you know that I REALLY admire you! You were able to go with your gut. That is something I am working on...really LISTENING to my gut instincts and trusting it. You didn't stick around to try to find proof like I did...which just brought on more hurt and pain when I did in fact find proof...that my gut instinct was right. I've been reading through the posts today and I guess what I would advise you to do based on advise others have been giving is to "Do nothing". Don't contact him. Don't confront either of them. Don't go off on either of them. Don't go seeking out proof or revenge. Instead be proud of yourself that you didn't allow him to continue to lie and cheat on you. Continue to treat yourself with respect and dignity. Be the bigger person. Hold you head up high if you run into either of them. They deserve each other...the cheater and the skank! Stay strong and be proud of yourself! Again, I ADMIRE YOU for your strength and standing firm in your convictions! GOOD FOR YOU!

Wow...thank you so much for your reply. You are right...about everything. I HATE the person who I have become. I was always so outgoing and confident before him...and that is what he said attracted him to me. Now, I'm not the same person...I'm a shadow of my former self. I am insecure and extremely emotional. No...I do not like who I am now. You teach people how to treat you and by constantly forgiving him and taking him back taught him that it was okay for him to treat me that way. Its obvious that I don't respect myself...because if I did I wouldn't stand for any of this! So how can I expect him or anyone else for that matter to respect me when I don't respect myself. I have to learn how to love myself and to start treating myself with dignity and respect. I know this...we both know this...but its just hard. I just started reading Dr. Phil's book Life Strategies...it already has proven to be extremely helpful. I would HIGHLY recommend you check out this book. I am going to start doing the exercises from the book today. I will post them on this thread. Thank you again for your response and your support...oh and you were right...that is a GREAT piece of advice.

It's going to hurt for a while...you just have to work through the hurt. So cry. I cried for days and although it still hurt, I decided that the next day would be the last day I allowed myself to cry over him. And that was that...it worked...until he called. I'm still in that very weak stage where I am constantly going back and forth with a person who I know is no good for me. But cry...let it out so that you can release it...