I may need your help with "No Contact"

[Batya33]

Truth is I have been there and done that but don't feel I have much to offer other than the old fashioned restraint and discipline which can work (but the internet and cell phones make it harder). It is good that you're self aware, can be honest about your motivations, weaknesses, triggers.

 

If it makes you feel better, I have made calls from pay phones in bus terminals complete with the tears, used to do the call and hang up thing pre-caller ID just to hear his voice - even if on a machine, thought up any excuse in the book why I "had to" call him.

[ImThatGirl]

Yes, the internet and cell phones make it harder. Communication or attempted communication is at your finger tips.

 

I'm trying hard to be honest with myself. Determine my weaknesses, triggers, and work through them. I can't continue the pattern we've had for months. I can't. I refuse to. And mean it this time.

 

I honestly wouldn't have guessed that you could relate to this 100%! I guess we all have triggers and sometimes holding together our emotions is difficult. But we know it can be done.

 

Last night when he called me, it triggered my mind. Why is he calling now after 48 hours of silence? curiosity got the best of me. I wasn't particularly waiting for an excuse to talk to him. But yeah - there was an excuse to call so I did. No more excuses....

 

Batya, what helped you to get over that during that time?

[Batya33]

I promise you - I am reasonably disciplined, reasonably strong, but I am human, too.

 

Well in part I was lucky usually because I was insanely busy at work or at school. I also had a lot of pride - didn't want him to know how much I cared/thought of him. I had a list of people to call when I felt like calling him. Exercise also helped - cleared my head, made me feel stronger.

 

Oh - and if I remember correctly, getting back on an on line dating site, or going to singles events - also great distractions if not the healthiest approach.

[ImThatGirl]

Probably didn't help that I watched "Ghost Whisperer" last night.

 

The episode had a ghost that contacted the main character as usual.

This ghost ended up being an ex boyfriend. They broke up in college - he walked away from her without ever talking to her again. He then got married to another girl that looked like her. Couldn't forget about the first girlfriend. Decided to get a divorce. Left to find gf, got hit by a car, and then came back to the main character (gf) as a ghost telling her he loved her.

 

Sigh........ lololol Probably not the best episode for me to watch right now!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you know, i had a standard joke i tell when people talk about a divorce or breakup and wonder if they'll ever find another person or the breakup means they're not suited for marriage or whatever...

 

i always say, 'i really liked being married, i just didn't like being married to HIM!'... LOL!! by that i mean, you probably really like being in a relationship, having someone to spend time with, do things with and for, etc. and are really missing being in a relationship right now.

 

but the problem is, this particular guy will NOT give you all the good things that relationships have to offer, just seems to be upsetting you and doing/saying things that make you feel worse...

 

i mean really, his walking away from a phone call while you're still talking says it all... he doesn't really care about what your saying or feeling, he just wants to check in and out of the relationship whenever it suits his own purposes...

 

so you keep wanting to use your phone to dial back into a sense of security a relationship brings, but unfortunately, the only person answering is your ex, who ignores you or says nasty things, or uses you to be his mommy and take care of his problems! so DEFINITELY a wrong number, though the desire to have a relationship and be close to someone is fully understandable and a good thing, but this guy is a dry well when it comes to that.

 

so when you get that feeling, translate it to its true source... you are missing a relationship, but your head is warning you that you are dialing the WRONG number, which is the right answer... relationships can be great, but not with the wrong person, so continuing to call is just prolonging you from getting into another relationship with someone who does meet your needs.

 

so dial your phone, but dial people who care about you, or use it to make plans to go out and have fun with friends where you might meet someone who is good for you and would love being in a relationship with you...

 

or if you REALLY get the urge to dial your ex, go over and read GoingForIt's thread and tell him you think his own relationship might be over, and he'll dump a huge load of rage on you and call you names... that should TOTALLY cure you of wanting to dial your own ex... LOL!!!

 

There are lots of men out there who *pretend* they love you, or TELL you they are loving and respecting you, but really, they don't know how, so better to find someone who does know how to love without draining you dry emotionally, and better to spend a bit of time finding a good guy who knows how to have a good relationship rather than just keep dialing a lost cause...

 

best of luck, i love all your posts, you are so nice and kind, you deserve a break and someone who really loves you!

[ImThatGirl]

I promise you - I am reasonably disciplined, reasonably strong, but I am human, too.

 

Well in part I was lucky usually because I was insanely busy at work or at school. I also had a lot of pride - didn't want him to know how much I cared/thought of him. I had a list of people to call when I felt like calling him. Exercise also helped - cleared my head, made me feel stronger.

 

Oh - and if I remember correctly, getting back on an on line dating site, or going to singles events - also great distractions if not the healthiest approach.

 

 

I know you are!

 

Thank you, Dear!!!!!

[ImThatGirl]

BeStrongBeHappy~~~

 

Thanks for making me laugh! I was really laughing at my desk.

 

I don't have time to respond to all of your post - but want to say thanks for the great advice and points!

[ImThatGirl]

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!!!

 

Heading out in a minute.... I'll again be on the road for an hour in a few. I know I will not contact him. I am praying that he does not call me.

[ImThatGirl]

Soooooo - -- - I'm staying busy. Having a slumber party with my 2 children and 2 of my son's friends. (A 3.5 yr old, and 3 - 6 yr olds.)

 

We are having a great time. The boys are playing ninja turtles and my daughter and I are about to make some bracelets.

 

So why the hell can I not stop longing for him to call me? Why won't that just go away?

 

I'm thinking it's just all seeming more realistic as time goes by. This is the point that I usually call him or text him and apologize for something I didn't even start or do.

 

God give me strength!

[Dilly]

Oh no, two days without any updates. Did you go to his meeting today? Surely not. But you never know.

[NolaDarling]

Dilly, she's okay! Not sure why she hasn't posted in 2 days but I have talked to her via text message. I will let her know that you asked about her...

[Dilly]

Thanks, Nola!!! YAYAY!!! You are sweet to look after our ITG!!!

[ImThatGirl]

Good morning.......... I am good. So sweet of both of you to be here for me!!!!

 

Dare I say more?

[NolaDarling]

YES M! Please do say MORE. I think you could really use the advice and support right now...

 

As for me...I'm hurting right now. Spent the last 2 days in bed. Called off work yesterday. Fighting the urge to contact him...Day 7 of NC

[Dilly]

Oh goodness, please divulge details if/when you feel up to it. Congrats Nola on your day 7. Sounds like you know this is the approach you want to take!!

[ImThatGirl]

Nola - I'm so proud of you.... I truly am! Please let me know what I can do to help!

 

I'm sorry I'm not such a good influence. Here it goes all.. I was so serious this time. I did not want this to be another one of my "It's over" and then "It's not over" threads.

 

What is wrong with me?

[ImThatGirl]

I called him a few times over the weekend. I wanted closure. I wanted to hear him say that it's over.

 

He called me Sunday. Said he'd been busy. I put him on the spot and he said "I guess I just need to do things on my own for awhile." I basically said okay, but also - why didn't you do this sooner? Etc. I wasn't irate. I wasn't pitiful. He eventually said "let's put it this way, I'm just a screw up and I can't do anything right right now." Anyhow, we ended the phone call on good terms but with our relationship ending.

 

You know me, Miss Compassionate M. Felt like I was abandoning him. I sent him a couple simple text messages, uplifting ones, and one that said if he ever really needed someone to contact, I would be available as a friend.

 

He called me Sunday night. In regards to his attorney appointment yesterday. He needed / wanted me to go. I agreed to go. He made a comment like "sure you'll bail on me like everyone else." So I stuck to it. I went.

 

Bleh.

[Batya33]

Question - why did closure include having to have contact with him? Is it possible you're defining closure in such a way that it gives you an excuse to break no contact? Not meaning to be harsh, just curious.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for asking that question Batya. I've asked myself the same question.

 

Inside my mind....

Just leaving it be, without having the "our relationship is through" conversation just felt very incomplete. I felt like hearing him say he needed to do his own thing (or more specifically end our relationship,) would make it all final. And once it felt "final," I'd fully accept it and feel like I could move on. Maybe that hearing him say it was done would mean that I didn't actually bail on him in his time of need. Some kind of justification.

 

I don't think it was just an excuse to break no contact. Although maybe so subconsiously.

 

All in all, I know if he tells me it's 100% over, I will be finished.

 

Yeah right. Until he calls me again, eh?

 

It boils down to: I can't seem to do this. And I don't know why.

 

Is my mind that fogged? Am I that stuck on needing reassurance or drama that I create more of a fuss than I should ever create?

 

We get along. We have a small fallout. We don't communicate. I get edgy about it. Claim that I'm done with it. He calls. And it starts over again.

 

Ridiculous. I know.

 

This time, I don't think we are technically back together. I think I went to the atty appt as a friend. As one of his only friends that would go to support him. But I'm sure I'm fooling myself with that one too.

 

sigh. sigh. sigh.

[Dilly]

It may be that you don't want control. Maybe you want him to make the tough (and it is TOUGH) decision to quit you. Breaking up brings on so much doubt in any of us. Look how the decision to do so torments us. It's sometimes easier to let the other party do it or to push them to that end. Maybe you want him to end it once and for all and you don't want the responsibility that goes with it. Just a thought.

 

If he tells you it's over and you know you've been good to him, you have no qualms about his action, right? But, on the other hand, if you act out or act sort of emotional, you may feel like you betrayed yourself? This is how I would feel. This is why I don't like to pret-END the relationship. I have made comments about ending the relationship but knew I would regret myself and immediately (within 2 minutes) retracted my statements. It's just better when someone else determined in the matter ends it for us, especially when we can know that we did the best we could and thus, don't have to regret anything.

 

That's when I can embrace the Serenity Prayer and recite it and feel good about my life.

[ImThatGirl]

Everything you said makes since, Dilly.

 

If I have no choice in the matter, I'll move on gracefully. If I end it, I know eventually I'll feel like I didn't give it a chance (Lord knows I have) and that I should have been more patient or tried harder or stuck it out.

 

I meant to change my signature line to the serenity prayers last week. Thanks for mentioning it!

[Batya33]

not to sound overly dramatic but it sounds like you're not being a good friend to yourself by continuing to be his friend in the way of going with him to these appointments, etc.

[ImThatGirl]

Ellie, You make complete sense! As we all know, I'm Miss Analytical. For a long time, I followed my mind. But then again, I haven't dated anyone that has noone. Of course he has noonce because he's withdrawn from everyone due to his situation.

 

Why do I feel like I need him to say it's over or move on first?

Easy, I think - because I don't want to feel like I bailed on him given his situation. Or maybe because that's just an excuse to hold on?

 

I don't know how I'd do if someone took my phone away or was with me for several days and stopped me everytime.

[ImThatGirl]

not to sound overly dramatic but it sounds like you're not being a good friend to yourself by continuing to be his friend in the way of going with him to these appointments, etc.

 

That's not overly dramatic. It's the truth I think. Thank you for pointing that out.

 

He calls me alot - when he needs to vent, has legal questions regarding his daughter, or needs something (ie me to go to attorney appt.)

 

A best friend of mine called me this morning. She asked "did you talk to him last night?" "No." She says "What now that you went to the atty appt with him he doesn't need you so he won't call you?" "I guess so...."

 

Seems to be that way. He's going to be very busy this week. Leaving on Friday for a snow mobile trip. So - that will give me from now until Monday or Tuesday without hearing much from him. That will be good for me.

 

My mom got a new job. She starts her training tomorrow morning. The training is closeby my house (an hour + from hers.) Anyway - She's staying the night at my place tonight and tomorrow and I'm SO EXCITED!

[Dilly]

You are a brilliant woman, full of reflection and self-analysis. You are a mother of two, capable of making decisions that are best for you and your family. As such, do you feel you need some outside intervention to come and physically help you refrain from contacting this guy? Honestly, I don't think you do.

 

I think what you are working on is gaining a realistic set of expectations re: J's place in your life and heart. It sounds to me as though you derive some benefit from communicating with him, be it a sense of satisfaction out of being compassionate (VALID), companionship (VALID), or simple knowledge that can impart wisdom to him (VALID). There is gain in each of those experiences.

 

I personally admire the generosity of your spirit and would only ask that you limit your generosity to the point at which you begin feeling aggrivated with him. You are patient and easy and dear. I don't think there is a wrong answer or a direct path, especially when you are imparting wisdom, possibly even teaching him lessons.

 

I'm not, as you know, a major proponent of NC or of turning my back on someone once the straw breaks the camel, but I do believe in remaining cognizant and setting boundaries and abiding by those boundaries and establishing a flowchart in your own mind to guide your actions, so that you are at least three steps ahead of the if/thens and you have the worst-case scenarios (and best) mapped out for self-protection and satisfaction.