PLEASE - some advice!

[Soon_tobex]

I believe she is depressed but she'd NEVER admit such. Over the years I've tried nicely to get her 'back in line'... it doesn't work.

 

I believe, to some degree, I have 'allowed' this to continue. I do have some responsibility. If years ago, I had said "Whooooa there filly" maybe she'd be different.

 

I'm not a screamer/shouter. Maybe that's what she needed/needs. But I'm not going to be that way to put my supposed 'soul-mate' back in line. I wanted/want a relationship based on reason, intelligence, mutual respect and desire.

 

Now if i were getting a whole bunch in return (say love, attention, understanding, no-holds-barred-sex) well, then maybe (MAYBE) the bargain would be worth it. But, at the end of the day, other than take care of the kids - WHICH I KNOW IS AN AMAZING JOB but really doesn't add much to our relationship - other than the kids, she does an amazing job doing everything around the house. Which is 100% her choice. But we could easily afford to hire people to do a lot of what she does. In fact, and this is harsh, but I've thought that I could hire a maid and groundkeeper and get the same thing. I wanted a wife/lover/friend, not TrueGreen Lawn Care.

 

SuperDave - i hate when you make sense. Cause I hate the answer it leads to. But, i must admit, i'm slowly (after a long time) realizing it's the only answer.

[distroyed one]

 

Even if it was something about him that made her unhappy she has no right to be so destructive! If there is something wrong in your relationship just SAY IT and don't just walk around showing unhappines and thinking that other person is mind reader! It is a big deal to bring money home, because that money keeps us alive!

[Soon_tobex]

I have to admit, I didn't initially absorb belinda's comment "You say how lovely you are and what great money you make! Woo Hoo! Big Deal! You're obviously not good at keeping your woman happy!!".

 

Until now.

 

I have no responsibility to "keep my woman happy". It's her job to find her own happiness and hopefully we can find it together.

[cranbers]

Yeah that is a pretty amazing story. I am in quite the same situation. I have only been married for 3 1/2 years though and I have a 2 year old son. My wife does with no doubt about it have obsessive compulsive disorder and I believe most of our problems are caused by that. She hates my family we have no friends. She is a work aholic and is always stressing over work. She is very successful. I work as well and make slightly less money. I don't have to work as hard as she does though and she hates me for it.

 

We argue about so many things its too numerous to name. We have had sex 3 or 4 times since our son was conceived. So most of our short marriage has been pretty horrible. When we fight she claims the house and all our money in savings. In fact she has taken almost all money in savings and put it in her own accounts. The house was hers to begin with so I guess it is her house technically.

 

We sleep in different beds and have for over 2 1/2 years. Mainly because I snore. I says I snore because im fat. Well im 200 lbs and im 5'6 so yeah I guess I am a bit hefty but ive been snoring since I was in my early teens when I weighed 125 so I know its not that. It never bothered her until i was gone for a month in army training and when i came back I had to sleep elseware. I asked to get surgery but she won't let me because it will hurt to much, but I offered to do it.

 

So anyway yeah we can argue for hours on end. Our record is 10 hours straight. It's amazing how time flies when your arguing. I have lost my temper at least half a dozen times in our marriage. I never hit her but ive gone after household objects, like couches and stuff like that. She pushes me to the limit and it ends with me either saying im leaving or having a fit of rage.

 

I always get a call the next day though asking me if im coming home. Almost like nothing happened. Until the next episode which is typically every 7 days or so. Our poor son, I feel so bad about that. The sad thing is he walks around with no clue we are arguing or that anything is wrong. he thinks its normal or something.

[dyoung]

I have to admit, I didn't initially absorb belinda's comment "You say how lovely you are and what great money you make! Woo Hoo! Big Deal! You're obviously not good at keeping your woman happy!!".

 

Until now.

 

I have no responsibility to "keep my woman happy". It's her job to find her own happiness and hopefully we can find it together.

 

Hey Soon_tobex,

 

I havent read every page of this conversation, Now this is coming from a fairly successful (headed on a nice bath), 27 year old, married 3 years.

 

Now for me when we (wife and I) had issues when I felt as though I was alone and I was saying the same things over and over, I left my house. Well actually I thought she said she was going to lock me out, so I went home and took a few days worth of clothes, and stayed at a friends house. Well anyway, when she got home, and realized I was gone, things got "real" really fast!

 

she really understood how upset I was and how I was feeling, and that's when we both started actually listening. So I'm not saying leave your house, but what I am saying is something drastic must happen for her to see.

 

You might want to start making your wife more independent cause I'm guessing you pay the bills, and take of everything else around the house that comes out of the pocket.

 

Cause it sounds like you might be a little fed up.

 

Good Luck!

[doyathink]

I did the exact same to my husband. Once again, just my own personal experience...take it for what it's worth. What happened with me was the little things kept growing and gnawing at me until I was full of resentment to the point that I couldn't stand him. I acted that way because the pressure of everything being on me got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. Emotionally I could not depend on my husband. If I needed a shoulder to cry on, he'd give me more stuff to cry about, if I was tired, he was more tired, if I had a bad day his was worse.

 

yep!

 

In the 9 years we were together he never once came home and said "I got a sitter and we're going out tonight" At night he snored so bad I couldn't cuddle with him, much less sleep with him. If my husband wouldn't sleep with me for that reason, I'd be at the doctor doing something about it rather than let that go on. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do that for me.

 

Yep yep!

 

I see a pattern here being spoken among the women.....Basically they are all saying the same thing as the next...why? Maybe we see that her emotional needs are not being met. The sex will be nonexistent in this case more often then not...and a therapist may be the answer but....it's something that you can fix without one.

 

She's checked out bud. Granted, some of the things you say she does and says...doesn't make a lot of sense to me but I wonder if she is doing this to see is she can simply get a reaction out of you.

 

All too often ppl wake up only after it's too late and the damage is so bad there is no turning back because there is nothing to turn back too.

[Soon_tobex]

I don't think she's trying to get a reaction out of me - I believe it is the way she is. Her family has told me a story of how when she was a young girl (maybe 8 or 9) she threw a board game up in the air because she wasn't winning.

 

Emotional Needs? Hm. I've TRIED to do what I THINK a woman might like:

 

I've begged her to go to dinner with just me (her response: "I don't 'do' dinner");

 

I've begged her to meet me for a "corporate lunch" (her response: "I don't eat lunch");

 

Let's go away ("I don't want to leave the kids");

 

Let's go skiing ("Not for me");

 

Let's go swimming ("you just want me in a bikini" - uh YEA!);

 

When i come home early and the kids aren't there we just work around the house cause there's always "so much that isn't done";

 

Let's go to the city for a night ("can't - the kids");

 

Would you like to try something different like, maybe, an Opera or Concert ("can't - kids and I don't want to);

 

How about we go "you" shopping. Pick out whatever you want ("I don't do that, I don't wear special clothes, you are trying to make me the wife I'm not")

 

When we 'talk' it invariably seems to come around to how I think I'm so great and how she thinks I'm not and I'm not that successful and I don't do enough around the house and, and, and. How about we talk about our dreams? Never! How about we talk about world events - nope.

 

Ya know what... I'm tired of trying.

[SuperDave71]

Soon_tobex,

 

 

When you are given nothing, what do you lose?

 

 

 

In this case, a body...not a wife but the mother of your children.

 

 

You say white, she says black. You say yes, she says no.

 

 

I suggest you dress up, light up some candles, make a romantic dinner, put on some soft music that she likes and pour a glass or two of wine.

 

When the moment is right...tell her you have a surprise for her that even she cannot refuse. It is something she has always wanted,...when she asks what it is..

 

put the divorce papers on the table.

 

 

 

I wish you the best my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Beec]

If you do what SuperDave suggests, I would bet one of two things happen, perhaps, both. And the order might be different. She will either do soemthing to convince you to stay and not divorce, or will accept it. If one comes and them the latter, the latter is real.

 

I used something similar once. I was nice and romantic one night, then the next night, we went to dinner and after dinner I said: we need to talk. I raised my issues and left her to think about them. The next moring, she called and told me she loved me and wanted us to work. Less than two weeks later, she picked a fight with me and then lied about things during it. The fight ended with me picking up my briefcase and saying "have a nice life," as I left.

 

She felt one thing, then it changed. Look for the later reaction.

[Jeff777]

Rubiez,

Wow, your marriage sounded a lot like mine. My wife said I talked over her.. would leave the room while she was talking. I wasn't verbally or physically abusive, but I guess I wasn't meeting her emotional needs either. Our own worlds... We got to the point where we didn't agree on a lot of stuff. AND I Did snore! Man... It is the little things sometimes that gets ya! I just kept pluggin' away.. but I think she had been gone a good while before her affair with my brother. (He seemed to meet her emotional needs - but had a dark nefarious motive!) Well .. we are all learning something here, aren't we?

 

Getting married is easy. Living together can be difficult. And... Divorce is hell at first (especially if your'e "the left".)

 

Love your post!

 

Jeff777

 

PS. The church is a great place to get support. Try out the DIVORCE CARE program.

[radioheader]

STBX - some are clouded with a lifetime of unhappiness...and she sounds like one of those people...just the fact that she will not try therapy (it really does help!!!) is a screaming endorsement of where she stands and how much the marriage means to her...you deserve happiness...pure and simple happiness (we all do!) which is not going to happen with this woman...

 

then again, i know how hard it is for some to leave something familiar/known (even if it is negative) for the unknown...but think how that unknown could bring you some relief...some long needed relief! good luck...

[doyathink]

I know your tired of trying...thats the point. There is nothing left to try for!

What I'm saying is....the damage to your marriage has be done....and to the point (I think) of no return. Thats why I said .....we tend to wake up 'too' late, when there is no chance in salvaging the relationship.

 

When we know there is a problem in our relationship...its essential to act upon it as quickly as possible so that the damage is minimal and can be repaired. If things are left to sour and get worse......resentment builds and replaces the love we once had.

 

I'm not put the blame on you....a relationship works both ways. However...I wonder if she tried telling you what was bothering her....over and over....to the point where she finally told herself nothing would change....you weren't getting it! At some point...ppl quit talking about what is bothering them when it isn't taken seriously....it turns into nagging and no one whats

to do that.

Like I said tho....she checked out! Shes spent and given up.

[Soon_tobex]

I've been quietly struggling emotionally for several days now. Wife isn't talking to me since before Xmas... very uncomfortable situation around the house and kids. I've read and reread this thread a hundred times. It helps and hurts at the same time.

 

We just had a huge screaming match. Lots of hurtful things said by both. I feel bad but I also didn't start it. It's wrong to return an insult, but I did. Oh well.

 

She says she has "check out". And that it's my fault That hurts.

 

She has no friends, no relationships, no girlfriends, no 'loving' relationship with her family. If it weren't for my very loving family, she wouldn't really have any relationship with any people. And that's my fault?

 

I've begged, pleaded, tried to take her places, to events, to freakin lunch. No dice. And I'm the bad guy? The common thread hasn't been weaved by me. I don't want a divorce. But i don't know why I don't want a divorce. Help.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Lots of people hang onto something really bad becuase of their fear of the unknown and being alone... you marriage has become a habit, a bad habit, but something you are familiar with...

 

i suggest you get some personal counseling to try to understand why you would stick with a marriage that offers you nothing but the myth you are connected to someone, and an emotionally empty house to come home to...

 

you can make that choice to stay, but there's no telling that your wife might just slam those divorce papers on you one day anyway... so remind yourself that you are *choosing* to stay in a lifeless marriage, adn if that choice gets you what you want, then fine stay... but i[m sure it doesn't, you just are stuck in the routine and have taught yourself to accept a low level misery in exchange for familiarity...

 

i'd certainly try to examine that, becuase all of us deserve a home and partner that is more than a distant, angry roommate type situation.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

OK. So you are down to zero communication for almost 2 weeks, except for the big blowout today. The only thing coming from her side is finger pointing-- so acceptance of any responsibility, and thereforeeee no willingness to put in effort to rectify the situation.

 

Think about this for a minute. I know you want things to go back to the way they were- but you and I both know that isn't going to happen. Are you honestly happy with things as they are now? Do you think that you are doing your children any favors this way? Trust me when I say that they can see, hear, and feel the tension between you both, and it's not healthy for anybody in that household.

 

If you aren't ready to consider divorce... at least consider a trial seperation. It is not doing anybody any good to stagnate where you are. If you can't think of yourself, think of the children.

[SuperDave71]

I could NOT agree MORE WITH HOPE75.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Enitsirk]

Go figure....I was the happy wife who laughed and played with my husband. We had sex 5-6 times a week. I was supportive..... everything I thought a man wanted. But that didn't stop him from leaving me and my baby.

[Soon_tobex]

I guess both genders have their share of "issue laden people", huh? Let's hook your husband and my wife up... that'd be just service to the both of them?

[Soon_tobex]

I'm in such a panic/rage/depression/emotional state... maybe writing will help. I'm literally shaking.

 

Earlier in this thread, a wise forum member suggested my wife may suffer from OCPD (link removed. WOW. There is a lot that fits. It's not a perfect fit, but this is perhaps the first time in 20 years that I may understand why she is this way.

 

She will NEVER consider that she may suffer from something; never from OCPD. Just now she blamed me for the fact that our roof is leaking. What?!

 

I love her. I want her to be happy. I'm going to pick my moment and tell her I think she is suffering way too much. I'm going to tell her I want to be with her, but she (and we) need help. I NEED to tell her that I think she has a real issue. She (and we) must get help or I will give her what she wants - a divorce. No one else will tell her that she may be sick - she has no one else. She will not react well to my words. She will fly into a rage. She will say I'm the problem. She will say I'm making "my" problem into a problem with "her".

 

But I have to say this. For her. I want to think it will begin to make us better. It won't.

 

Marriage vows say "in sickness and in health". She is sick. Shouldn't I stay? If she had cancer, I would stay. How is this any different?

 

An alcoholic or drug user is sick. I wouldn't stay with either. But both are sick and marriage is about helping each other. Is it acceptable to leave an alcoholic or drug user because those sicknesses are somewhat choices whereas no one chooses cancer? So it's ok to leave a marriage when someone chooses to be sick and not get better?

 

But she didn't choose to be this way. Can she choose to get better? Maybe. But she won't choose to get better. So, it's acceptable that I leave?

[kellbell]

Hey there soon,

 

"Marriage vows say "in sickness and in health". She is sick. Shouldn't I stay? If she had cancer, I would stay. How is this any different?

 

An alcoholic or drug user is sick. I wouldn't stay with either. But both are sick and marriage is about helping each other. Is it acceptable to leave an alcoholic or drug user because those sicknesses are somewhat choices whereas no one chooses cancer? So it's ok to leave a marriage when someone chooses to be sick and not get better?"

 

Yes, this all very true BUT at the same time, the person whom is suffering from the illness or addiction HAS to be willing to help him/herself as well. If not, by the other staying is enabling the "sufferer" to continue on his/her destructive path. So, by you staying with your wife, whom continues to treat you poorly with no intention of seeking help, enables her to continue being this way.

 

There is only so much you can do...it all boils down to the other person and whether or not he/she wants to help him/herself.

 

You deserve to be happy and you are not. I pointed out the OCPD to you perhaps to shed light on the situation, that indeed this personality disorder does exsist and that perhaps she can get some help. But if you are sure she will not, you have to remove yourself from the situation. This is tearing you apart. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.

[Hope75]

I agree with KellBell.

 

IF she had a personality disorder, she would still have to want to get help and want to work on the marriage. You have already learned that you cannot do this on your own, you cannot force feelings or participation on her part, and trying to do so has not worked for you in the past.

 

If you feel you must give it a try and tell her that you want her to get help and you want to support her through that, go for it. But do be prepared for another rejection on her part-- and if and when that happens- I hope you will recognize that this has to be a two way street and if she isn't willing to meet you part way, you can't do it on your own- and you will file for seperation.

[Soon_tobex]

We just went to the mall with the kids (to return the fox fur collared coat I bought her for Christmas. She never said she didn't want it, never told me she planned to return it. But as we piled into the car, she had it along with the gift receipt she'd retrieved from my desk drawer).

 

She was in a miserable mood. She looked tired. So do I. The tension in the air was palpable.

 

We went to a cash register, the girl behind the counter didn't speak english very well. I KNOW what my wife wanted - she wanted ME to handle the return because my wife was already beginning to come unglued. Returning an item does this to her. She doesn't want any issues - and aren't there always issues with this transaction? It doesn't scan properly or the girl doesn't speak english well, or the ticket is missing. And for my wife, this is somehow a personal affront. On the one hand she wants me to handle this type of scenario because she feels that she will somehow be taken advantage of. And yet, she won't relinquish control and just give me the item/receipt, say "can you please do this for me?", and walk away. Partly she hates that I can easily handle these things with a smile (she hates that I talk to people and try to work the old "honey gets more flies than vinegar adage) partly she can't simply delegate for the fear it might somehow be handled incorrectly.

 

So, the girl was confused by the gift receipt. My wife immediately began to escalate the situation. She said: "It's a GIFT receipt. Give me my money." The girl called over another woman for help with the transaction. This further upset my wife. The second woman was a bit scatter-brained (with all due respect) and wasn't listening to what we were saying. I took the situation over. Clearly and politely, I told the second woman what I was trying to do and how she could handle the gift receipt.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife, standing 10 feet away. Glaring. GLARING with evil eyes at the woman behind the counter. Another employee walked by and my wife said "Are you a manager?". "No," he said. "We are having a REAL problem here," said my wife.

 

When in actuality I now had the woman understanding what she needed to do and she was processing the transaction. My wife continued to GLARE at the woman. The woman, sensing this, said several times "I'm really sorry". My wife walked closer and breathed "I want ONE thing - to be OUT of this store NOW" And she walked away.

 

I was shaking with anger at my wife and the woman behind the counter was shaking with fear/discomfort.

 

Later, my oldest son (16) tried to help somewhat calm my wife down. She was very snippy at him. He came to me and said "what a ." I said: "HEY that's your mother! I will not have that language." He said "She's weird"

 

I have seen this whole scene hundreds of times. I kid you not. She once called a man with no hair a "bald " because he told her, not rudely, the end of the checkout line formed behind him.

 

Anyone want a somewhat used, 43 year old guy who needs a break?

[SuperDave71]

Come on over Soon_tobex..

 

I'll cook ya some dinner and give you a glass of wine so you can vent a while.

 

 

I would be more than happy to listen.

 

 

On a serious note...your "wife" is not happy at all. She brews negativity and it oozes form every pore on her body. Misery loves company...

 

I want you to try something for me (yourself really)..

 

 

The next time she says something negative..throw in a positive and smile...if she meets it with a negative,...smile and throw in a postive.

 

 

If she meets the last one with a negative....go to the net...look up reciepes...find a DARN GOOD ONE...

 

Soon, make dinner...wine...candles....light music and when she sits down....tell her you have the ift of a lifetime!!

 

 

GIVE HER THE DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!

 

She is sucking the very life outta you. Life is meant to be LIVED man!!

 

 

If you had a tumor and they said you woudl die if it wasn't removed...what would you do?

 

 

Think about that last statement.....it's those that have BEEN THERE and DONE THAT ..that can appreciate being HAPPY in life rather than NEGATIVE.

 

 

 

It's up to you.....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Beec]

Soon_tobex,

 

Since you are someone who understands the whole vinegar versus honey thing, and are still treating your wife decently, I don't think you are the type of person who would have much difficulty finding someone who would want you, even as a slightly used 43 year-old guy, who needs a break.

 

If you were in the NYC area, I could but probably would not cook you that dinner, instead inviting you out for a few drams, beers and some dinner cooked at a place that is willing to let me sit there and continue to pickle myself past closing.

 

Your wife has used terror to try to maintain what she feels is her superior position. Instead of having to be nice, which was beneath her, she used her acting inappropriately to get what she wanted, which was to have you handle it. If you stay with her, and this ever happens again, leave her alone, walk to a different area of the store and when she asks why, tell her is was because she was embarrassing you and get a little angry. From your description, I bet everyone in your family has heard that line from her. In this case, you got manipulated. It might not have been conscious, but you did.

 

And the next time she throws something, throw it back.

 

Resolve that you will not ever let her terror control you or your house. And, frankly, since she sounds much like my mother, it's your fault that you have let it go on this long. If her terror works to get her what she wants, then you have let that happen, and her terror has also been imposed on your children. End the Reign of Terror.

[Soon_tobex]

Went to a lawyer the other day. Felt good, in a weird way. She's been completely not talking to me and has been very rude. I brought home a small bunch of daffodils the other day. Not even a thank you - but at least my daughter is enjoying them!

 

Divorce ain't gonna be cheap, that's for sure. The lawyer was pretty cool. Gave me a ballpark estimate of what alimony/child support would be and how we'd have to divide our assets. The asset division is acceptable to me; it's the alimony. Yikes. As the lawyer said: "and it's forever".

 

Well, noone ever said freedom was free.