PLEASE - some advice!

[Soon_tobex]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

 

Holy Cow.

 

Ok.. two of you just told me that I'm the one not getting respect. After YEARS of her telling me that I don't respect her, you are telling me that she doesn't respect me!!!

 

This may sound simple... but whoooooooa

 

She HAS said that she wishes i were different. I do believe she wants to be protected.. and like a kid maybe she wants boundaries and limits and wants me to limit her actions. If I do that she will be safe and protected. Which I know she wants because I believe she is afraid of many things.

 

So after years of this I'm finally being told what she wants is a guy to put her in her place when she acts out? To support her when she needs it but not bend to her unreasonable acts? To expect respect.

 

There is no question I'm the quiet type. I don't get ruffled, it takes a lot to get me steamed. She's 100% opposite. I do let her walk over me. I'm lookin in the mirror... I do. And she hates me for that.

[Beec]

So after years of this I'm finally being told what she wants is a guy to put her in her place when she acts out? To support her when she needs it but not bend to her unreasonable acts? To expect respect.

 

There is no question I'm the quiet type. I don't get ruffled, it takes a lot to get me steamed. She's 100% opposite. I do let her walk over me. I'm lookin in the mirror... I do. And she hates me for that.

 

So stop it. Stop it slowly and gradually, but definitely. Be a man, wear the pants, and don't take her crap. Why would you anymore anyway.

 

I'd also tell you to check out Dave D'Angelo's basic stuff, becaquse he writes a lot about attraction, and what you may need to create is some in her for you. I'll pm you some info.

[Soon_tobex]

This has been great advice.

 

Unfortunately it is most likely too late for my marriage. Two weeks ago she was screaming at me to get my own place. Things have calmed down but she said just the other day that all she cares about is the kids.

 

Maybe man-up means move out.

[Beec]

Moving out need not mean the end of the world. If you need to to keep things calm, then maybe you do it. Do not get clingy.

[Soon_tobex]

I'd like to share a wonderful tidbit that is insightful and satisfying. Thanks awdree:

 

There are worse things to be than the soon-to-be-ex of a woman who doesn't love you.....

 

 

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thanks awdree:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

welcome

[Beec]

I'd like to share a wonderful tidbit that is insightful and satisfying. Thanks awdree:

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe, but it might not need to be that way.

[Soon_tobex]

The day was going 'ok'... Did some things as a family.

 

Tonight we were watching TV and wifey comments to our daughter that she can't stand the actor in the movie: "he's bald, ugly, and I hate him... much like someone else I know"

 

I'm not bald, not ugly.

 

Who was she talking about?

[gibs]

Hi, I'm a little new at this, and i felt i should try to share what i mockingly describe as "my wisdom". There are exactly 0 similarities in our lifestyles, I'm a 21 year old engineering student who repairs and maintains combustion equipment for 9 dollars an hour. The only thing in common i can see is that how are wives are behaving. So, being at a time in my life where i'm trying to learn all that i can to better my life, i'm going to share some observations that have worked to better my relationship with my separated wife.

 

as far as her nagging and complaining and even her attacking you (verbally), the best way to deal with it is to agree with her. If you claims you cheated on her with a 12 year old, agree. She's striving on conflict and liking the negative feelings she produces, so if you agree, she has looses some of what she's trying to become addicted to. If she loses all of her conflicting arguments because you agree with her, then she loses reasons to want conflict and has less negativitey within her. I mean, there's always some truth in whatever she's saying to you, no matter how wrong it is. She asks you to move out, you say "ok, i think that's a good idea. You're right i should move out."

She says "you show more backbone at work" you say "yeah, you're right. I totally reacted to that situation wrong today, i should've stood up for myself more...." (and if you handle things like this right, then usually you can get her to switch sides of the conversation: restate the fault she's "found" and usually she will automatically jump to your defense "you were only trying to be polite" or something similar)

 

If she's trying to be a butt about ownership, agree with her, but show backbone; do what she wouldn't expect you to do.

 

Always be happy. Be satisfied with your situation or atleast make her believe that you are. Never show her the "inner-child" who's crying and lonely, use a forum.

 

Don't talk about your issues (atleast until you're more stable). Good to know her issues with you, but don't talk about the issues as a couple. When you do this, you imply that you want her to change, and that tells her you want something completely different than her and that's going to put negative feelings in her, and she's going to express this with conflict. If you want her to change, change what you do, she'll have to react some how. Work toward her needs and you'll help yourself.

 

And most of all, accept that you don't need her. Accept that she's just a preference to you and that life will go on without her. It sounds odd, but they never come back as long as you're working toward "fixing" the marriage, when you start to notice that you no longer feel you need her, she feels more "attracted" to you. Show her you're not hers forever and that you're happy with life.

 

that's about all i have. Not very much i guess, but i hope something helps. If i'm completely wrong, feel free to call me a jacka__.

 

goodluck to the both of us.

[mollymoo]

You said your wife's home life was not a happy one - is she the child of an alcoholic? Many issues that have nothing to do with you, and ones you cannot begin to change for her.

 

I am so sorry for you. I am in a similar situation and also have 3 children. I'm also Catholic so the idea of divorce is very scarey, but very much on the table.

[Soon_tobex]

Thanks gibs...thanks mollymoo.

 

I've read much about the "just agree strategy" and I'm beginning to try it. It's hard work. I'm not really sure it'll work (part of me thinks it's sooo demeaning to me - I know prideful). And another big part of me just wants a woman who doesn't play these games. Such a woman DOES exist. Right? I'm asking. They do exist?!?!

 

I'm also working to slowly take back control of my life. Not 'our' life - I don't control 'us'. 'We' control us. But 'I' must control me.

 

Today, for the first time (ever?), I'm going to my mom's for dinner without the whole family. We are fairly frequent guests at mom's (as mom is here). Mom called yesterday to invite us over. Wifey said: I'm not going.

 

Ouch.

 

Wifey has, from time to time, hemmed and hawed about going (nothing beyond a 'normal oh-god, not an inlaw afternoon') but invariably we'd all go as a family and have a nice time.

 

Well, I find it interesting that wifey has decided that NOW would be the first time to clearly announce her refusal to attend. This will really hurt my mom.

 

So, at this point (7:47am), my oldest son is gung-ho on going (grandma's cookin is way better than wifey's. Sorry, it is.) and I'm hoping my middle son will come along too. My 12 year old daughter said she'd "keep mom company".

 

I realllly don't like this. I feel as though my wife is knowingly using the kids as pawns. Wifey is gooooood at this. The kids, to avoid conflict and to try to appease their mother, will often agree with her. So, she may wear them down as the day progresses. I may end up going alone. And when I return she'll have successfully convinced the kids that I did the wrong thing by going. That I was selfish or whatever.

 

But I'm going. The dye is cast.

 

So by NOT going, I "agree" with wifey but I let her control my life. By GOING (alone?), I exhibit strength and backbone but "disagree".

 

This stuff ain't easy!

 

Gibs: My situation may not be similar to yours. Or it may be. I'm twice your age. And then some. (Good God when did this happen?!?!) I remember very clearly being 21.

 

When I met wifey I was going to school, working ($5/hr), and had no idea what I wanted. But she was blond, blue-eyed, and tall...

 

I know all the work wifey and I have done over the last 20 years to carve an amazing niche in this world. She's been an amazing partner in terms of hard work, dedication, and partnership. But I knew waaaaay back when I was your age that there were warning signs. But I was young and figured it would be ok. At that time, I saw her parents had a lousy relationship. I now see my wife is just like her mother (although wifey believes she is NOTHING like her mother).

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I do know that my wife has steadily gotten worse over the years. I'm like the proverbial frog in the pot. When I jumped in the water 20 years ago, it was just right. I realized the pot was on a stove, but didn't ever believe that the stove would ignite. Over the years, the heat has slowly, imperceptibly been turned up. And now I'm boiling. Add 3 amazing kids, a decent sized mountain of material things and money and the resultant stew is hard to undo.

 

Mollymo: there IS alcohol in my wife's family. Her brother is a recovering alcoholic (15 years sober). Her other brother probably is an alcoholic. Her mom enjoys a couple of manhattans every night. My wife never touches the stuff. Ever.

 

I'm a 'recovering Catholic' My desire to remain married has less to do with religion and more to do with my vow. My dad cheated and left my mother when i was a teenager and do not want to follow in his steps. Plus wifey and I have accomplished sooo much together. We could have a house in the mountains and nice cars and all those things. After years of hard work, the fruit is ripening and we could enjoy the sweet juice.

 

To cut the grove in half (or 60% - 40% as she seems to believe) makes me feel like I've been used. But maybe it will end up costing me a lot of emotion, a lot of relationship and a lot of money to buy back a normal relationship.

 

Normal relationships do exist, right? I'm asking!

 

The sun is shining. I'm going to enjoy today.

 

STBX

[gibs]

i'm going to assume you don't wine like this to your wife (i'm not being mean). Can I ask you which is more important to you: your feelings or your wife? You're in such a fragile state that you're letting the smallest of things make your heart drop to your knees and you begin to struggle to make someone do things your way. If I were you, I would push aside my feelings for the moment, because you don't have a marriage right now, you have a game, and feelings get in the way. Forget about your kids, if she's using them as pawns, consider how many pawns usually make it to checkmate, and then react to her pawns with your bishop: "I completely understand you're decision to stay home tonight and i'm not going to pressure you to go." then depeding on you're wife's reasons for not going, i'd restate those in a way that you agree with. Don't be misled at all: it is a game. A game in which she's playing off emotions, and as long as you can step back and see the whole picture, you have the upper hand.

[Soon_tobex]

LOL

 

I guess i was whining.

 

I'm tired of the game. I'm going.

 

It's an experiment.

[wayne]

If your wife treats you like this, how do you think she treats the kids?

 

Some of what you've mentioned she does around the kids concerns me. Fight for them. The best thing for them seems to be to live with you.

 

My dad should have left my mom. She was doing a lot of the same crap to both of us. He never did because he knew at the time there wasn't a chance in hell I'd get to move out with him, and he knew I'd spend my entire childhood in Hell if I had to live alone with my mom.

 

Things are starting to change. You won't mess up your kids by fighting to get them out of the unhappy home they're in. You'll mess them up more if you leave them with her and get out without them.

[newdad12345]

Your relationship is almost the same as mine...except for the marriage part. We are engaged with a 6 month old daughter. I want out so badly, and the things she says and does are just plain evil sometimes. Then, later she loves me again, then later she wants the past 5 years with me back. I'm so over it. But, the reason I stay is b/c of my daughter....and perhaps the fact that she may love me like she once did. But, I see that reality quickly fading away. Best of luck to you my friend.

[radioheader]

so how did the dinner go? did your kids go with you or did you go alone?

[Soon_tobex]

Surprisingly all 3 kids came with me to dinner. Wifey actually encouraged the kids to go to dinner - but she steadfastly refused to go (saying to the kids: "no, it's ok... mommy doesn't feel like going but you guys go and have a good time").

 

We had a very nice time. It was very strange without my wife there - it's the first time ever that the four of us have been out without her! I heard through my brother that my mom was very suspicious as to why my wife didn't come along.

 

So, i'm not sure if i scored any points or not in this battle!

 

Wifey still isn't talking much directly to me. She's not being rude right now (she prepared dinner for me tonite - what a gal). But it's been two months of practically no communication interspersed with some vile words on her part. I'm not feeling the love.

[Hope75]

STB,

 

I just came back to catch up on your thread and was surprised to find you still at home... still tolorating the no communication with your wife.

 

Last I read you had a house lined up down the street....

 

What changed?

[Soon_tobex]

The house down the street is still available...

 

I don't know if anything has changed. It's weird. There is some limited conversation. She's not being nasty. But it's like living with a roomie.

 

I THINK (pure speculation) that she may have seen a lawyer who told her the real deal about what she would get. And while substantial, it's not the deal to which she THOUGHT she was entitled. So, divorce may have lost a little luster.

 

I also think she (and I) are concerned about the kids and how they will take this. So we are both kinda dragging our feet.

 

 

I don't like living this way. I'm going to pick an opportune moment and say: "What are we doing?? IF we are going to stay married, then WE must seek outside counseling. IF she won't agree to such, then I'm going to file. She may say she really doesn't want to stay married anyway - in which case, i'm going to file."

[Hope75]

Yeah... whether at this point the financial part of the divorce seems unappealing to her you are not in this marriage for the right reasons. And the kids have been watching you sleep in separate bedrooms, not talking, and her not really participating as much- and trust me when I say that hurts them far more than you admitting that this marriage is over and focusing on being the best parents you can, apart from one another.

 

You are not fooling them-- or anybody.

[Soon_tobex]

She's such a ______

[Beec]

She's such a ______

 

So what's up with this?

[Hope75]

She's such a ______

 

 

Yes, STB, What happened?

[SuperDave71]

OK..fill us in STB!!!??

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Soon_tobex]

Hey everybody. How y'all doing?

 

Today is already proving to be a tough one - things are slowly corkscrewing into the ground. Just had a shouting match. Same ground, covered again. She said she wants to go to a mediator before we hire attorneys. I think this will be our first official step towards divorce.

 

I don't want a divorce. I don't want this to continue.

 

I wish she'd go with me to a therapist. She has issues; I have issues. Together we should be able to help each other. That's what life is about. Helping one another.

 

She won't help me. Or herself.