PLEASE - some advice!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Do you cos.... DANG! I coulda sworn HARSH was the actual intent....

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

 

If I may chime in here, I am kinda in agreement w/ Belinda; I do not mean to paint you as the bad guy at all but I did think that your posts connote a dismissiveness towards your wife. Also, in one of the posts above, you said that you were as busy as the next successful businessman -- if I may ask: so how involved are you, really, in your family's life? And how consistent have you been in expressing to your wife of your commitment to making this marriage work?

 

If you have been emotionally absent from your home for the past 5+ years, can you really blame your wife for thinking that she does not want to put in any more effort into saving this marriage? What do you think she has been doing for the past 19 years? Wouldn't you say that she was trying to make things work? Sorry if I making the wrong assumptions here, but occasional flowers, lingerie presents, etc etc (which she could have easily construed as an ingenuine attempt for a quick fix on a long-existing problem) cannot make up for consistent absense from your family's lives.

 

I am sorry if I am coming down too harsh. This is my two cents worth (from my limited perspective).

[Soon_tobex]

Awdree first, then belinda.

 

Awdree: when she has said "you need help"... I've gone. When the therapist said, this really only works when both people are here. She says "i'm not the one with the problems, you are."

 

When I ask her what can I do, she never gives me clear answers (women!). But at times it's been: "be more aware of what needs to be done around the house... don't make me always have to ask you to do things" Other times it's "you should know, I'm not going to tell you". Or "I'm so lonely" - which I think is actually close to the truth.

 

When I tell her what I want and feel - it's all dismissed. "It's all about you"

 

Belinda: I really like your harsh 'shake me to wake me' approach.

 

I do value what she does - immensely. I've told her such and tell other people often. It is absolutely legitimate and was 100% her choice. What I meant was best described in an example: I was talking on the phone with a company colleague. A guy I've known and trusted for a long long time. We were discussing our financial results. Fairly complex stuff. At one point, and it was late, I was tired and we'd been talking a while and I said "John, I really don't know WHERE we got that number from".

 

Later my wife berated me saying I should never admit such and that I'd never hear my boss say such a thing. etc etc etc. My reaction was ?! I thought (did NOT SAY) You wouldn't know an asset from a liability and you heard 1/2 the conversation and by the way the boss says those things to me from time to time. Multiply that type of comment from her in those business settings a thousand times over. THAT's what I meant by my 'no clue' comment.

 

Another example - we took the car for an oil change. The guy said it'll take 30-45 mins. She was spooling up for a big outburst because after 30 mins the car wasn't done - in fact they hadn't even started. She demanded I march over and that I demand action. NOW! I said (stupidly) you get more flies with sugar. And I went over and nicely asked if it would be done. We were out in 50 mins.

 

She wants to hold the oil change guy to the 30 min statement... and expects him to jump because she wants him to. Am I making sense????

 

As to how do I get to know her when she won't even go on a date with me?

[Soon_tobex]

Ellie: I do appreciate other views, so thanks!

 

My job comes in waves. For the past 6 months I've been home for dinner almost every night. For the 2 years prior, I was home for dinner 3 to 4 nights each work week (and home every weekend). For the 3 years before that.. home most every night. I don't play golf. I work around the house on the weekends.

 

I DO agree that even when I'm home, I'm not always "connected" with her. I am guilty of that.

 

I dunno... loooong before now she never would go out with me. "kids are too little, I don't trust your mother or mine to watch them... etc etc"

 

Keep talking to me...but now... I'm off to bed.

 

Thanks new friends

[Ellie2006]

I know you were posing your questions to Awdree and Belinda, but if I may contribute what little I can:

 

I see where she's coming from when she says : you should know, I am not going to tell you.

 

She's in a double-bind:

a) she does not want to appear as the "mom" by commanding you to do certain things about the house. She does not want to become a nag who constantly says, do this do that ...

 

b) To a certain extent, she thinks (perhaps mistakenly) that you should intuitively know what to do since it's YOUR house too. She perhaps wants you to take the initiative and put in the effort to finding out things to do around YOUR home, be it housework or something related to the children, etc etc.

 

I say mistakenly bc if you are not around the house (as much as she is) and if you are tired from your work, it is perhaps natural that you would NOT know what issues need to be addressed around the house.

 

These are perhaps all secondary issues that can be addressed in counseling. I think the biggest issue is her unwillingness to participate in couples' therapy.

 

How about asking her for this final thing: tell her HOW committed you are in trying to make things work and how you believe going to counseling together will be beneficial. Tell her that you will see a separate counselor for issues pertaining to your problems but ask her to go to a couple's therapist to save the marriage, which involves both of you.

[Soon_tobex]

Tough night last night... I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for the past week (not allowed in my own bed - wow).

 

I think the "double-bind" is a fairly accurate assessment. There's NO question that she does most of the day-in-day-out work around the house and she's said she wishes I was more aware of what needs to be done and that I'd DO without being ASKED.

 

I'd rather (and she knows this and hates it) see her enjoy a gardening club or volunteer, or go to a day spa from time to time. Instead she works sooooo hard around the house. Ladies - she's amazing with a wheelbarrow and will work most men into the ground. I'm not kidding.

 

Me? Yea, I like that stuff to a degree. I have a desk job so getting dirty and sweaty is a great stress relief. BUT, c'mon. ALL THE TIME?!?!?!

 

After a while this conversation just loops back on itself. I think the biggest, single issue is that she will NOT see a therapist. Honestly: I think she's afraid of what might be discovered. I believe her self-esteem is so low that she would rather be alone, miserable, and sad rather than deal with whatever she has to deal with.

 

Maybe it's time to take a stand. I love her. I want her. But i don't want it this way (nor does she). I'll get help - but so must we. Or I'm out - as per her wishes

[Hope75]

Sounds like you are starting to see the whole 'two people to make it work' idea. It's tough to swallow, especially when you want it soo badly and she isn't willing to make the effort too.

 

What's your next move?

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

Sorry to hear of your tough night

 

Yes, it DOES seem to boil down to the fact that she is unwilling to seek help through counseling.

 

So have you considered telling her that:

a) You will see a separate therapist for *your* issues

 

BUT

 

b) you would like her to give couple's counseling an honest try -- maybe x number of times within 1~2 month time frame -- and if she thinks that after X number of times, it's useless and a waste of her time, at that point, you will agree to her wishes (to divorce?)

 

One quick observation: you write:

 

Honestly: I think she's afraid of what might be discovered. I believe her self-esteem is so low that she would rather be alone, miserable, and sad rather than deal with whatever she has to deal with.

 

Well, you know your wife better than any of us, but maybe she simply thinks going to a therapist is a futile attempt to recover something that is irreparable? I guess what I am really trying to say is (and I apologize if I am way off base here) perhaps your perception of your wife as a sad miserable woman with low self-esteem is acting as a hindrance to your reconcilation? In other words, she knows that this is the way you (mis)perceive her and is unwilling to work things out with someone who cannot see her clearly?? Just a thought ...

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

You have been given great insight so far. But I'd thought I might take a stab at your situation.

 

I noticed you gave her flowers, a ring, naughty clothes, those are just things. They are not what she was looking for. This may be a dumb question, but have you ever asked what she wants, like if she had 3 wishes that can come true, what would she wish for? What would she like to see happen? Don't take this the wrong way but giving flowers, rings and what have you are just temporary fixes to other issues. You have to think bigger than that.

 

It sounds like she is an over achiever and goes over and beyond to mask other issues. She is hiding within herself. Her talents and work serve as a facade and it sounds like the wife you know is the wife with the cute butt, over achiever and good with the kids and house wife. You really do not KNOW her. Make sense? And because of that, perhaps she resents you for it. Perhaps she was hoping you would get to know her, the true her and perhaps help her break away from whatever she is hiding from. I suspect she is hiding from many many things. I am not at all trying to blame you, just trying to piece the situation from her angle.

 

Perhaps ask her what you can do to help her. And not just the dishes and vaccuming kind of help (although that never hurts) but with life in general and the demons she is hiding from. I too, have gotten into a bad habit of going way beyond what is expected in order to hide from what I need to deal with what is in front of me. It is called co-dependency and I truly believe your wife has suffered from it for some time. And when my needs are not met, I get secretly angry and resentful, but comes out in other ways.

 

Your wife may not be a great communicator and not able to voice her needs appropriately. I still struggle with this, thank goodness I have an awesome boyfriend. But if that is the case, that is something she will need to work on her own, with some help too. But I truly believe your wife is suffering from serious self esteem issues and has followed her for quite some time.

 

As far as what to do...it takes two to make things work. But I would ask her about the three wishes thing and see what she says. Keep talking to us. Hang in there.

[Soon_tobex]

Next steps?!?! That's easy: breathe in...breathe out...in...out. That's about all I can handle right now. Kidding. Kinda. Sorta.

 

She really doesn't care if I see a therapist b/c I don't think she believes any good will come of it.

 

Ellie: maybe my armchair psychoanalysis of her IS getting in my way of seeing her clearly. Maybe b/c I just can't understand someone who does NOT want friends, does NOT want to have fun, does NOT trust people... I just can't understand that maybe that IS what she wants to be. So I reach too deep for an explanation that I can understand.

 

She has said many times that she just wants to be alone. Over the years we'd have had conversations and I'd kid her about when I'm gone she'll trade me in on a couple of 20 year olds. Her response: no. She won't get married again. She never flirts with me (or any man). She had other boyfriends when younger but never really seems to 'desire' men. I've many times thought if she DID have a lover then at least I'd understand her lack of any sexual drive with me.

 

She told me today that I'm just not 'strong enough' for her. What she means is she views me as weak, timid, not forceful, not "manly". And in her own words she, herself, has 'too much testosterone' . She is very physical (works very hard around the house) and is always ready for a fight with someone, ANYONE whom she perceives as having wronged her. She'll lay hard and long on the car-horn when the driver in front of her allows another car to enter 'out of turn'. She'll lean accross and lay on the horn when I'm driving to teach somebody else a lesson. Then gets furious at me because I allowed that driver to turn in front of us. She is very very very much a 'by the rules' person and gets very angry when someone breaks the rules and/or causes her an issue.

 

Me? I'm the opposite. WAAAAAY too (?) easy going. I'm NOT a pathetic soul who gets walked all over. But I do NOT stress a LOT of things that drive her nuts. She wants a man who DOES get worked up over things. She wants a man who will cut off his nose for her. She thinks I'm sooo focused on work that I would choose work over her. That I HAVE chosen work over her.

 

While there may be some truth to some of that, she's been THIS way forever. And really, I don't think she DOES want a man. As she's said, she wants to be alone.

 

I really like the idea of x visits to a couple's therapist then, no results: divorce. I just don't think she'll go for it.

 

As she says "your the weak one, you aren't what I need or want, I've learned that I don't need you, I just want to be alone" So, given that why would she go to a therapist?!

[kellbell]

Soon,

 

It sounds like to me, based on your last post, your wife may be suffering from obessive compulsive personality disorder, not to be confused with obessive compulsive disorder, which is different. The personality disorder in an Axis II disorder, that the person wrestles more with rules, what is right, miserly behavior and more entangled with details and perfection. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is more serious, an Axis I disorder and more focused on compulsive behaviors and rituals and obessional thoughts. I just wanted to distingush the two firsthand.

 

The whole story about how she has to right a wrong and how she deals with "injustice" gave it away. Here are some links describing obessive compulsive personality disorder....

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Your wife also exhibits some traits of * * * *zotypal personality disorder as well...

 

link removed

 

Personality disorders are very diffucult to treat. It takes great commitment on behalf of the individual to treat it. But because these symptoms are so ingrained in their personality, he/she feels there is nothing wrong with him/her, and hence, he/she does not want to change. If she is dead set against therapy, there is not much you can do. Now it boils down to whether or not you want to go on as you have or getting out of this marriage. I am sad to write your options are close to nill at this point.

[SuperDave71]

Soon tobex,

 

Hi there, I just read your post and I have some solid advice for you that I want you to seriously think about.

 

 

The clinical definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result.

 

You are a 43 year old man who for the past 19 years...(Almost 2 decades..or to be ticky 6,935 DAYS with someone who does NOT ONLY

 

1. Doesn't respect you

2. Doesn't love you

3. Doesn't want to be with you

4. Doesn't want to be seen with you

5. Doesn't want sex

6. Doesn't value your opinion or you

7. Doesn't value your achievements

8. Doesn't want to be with you

 

 

BUT...

 

She loves the kids.

 

 

ok..we have a real winner here.

 

First of all, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOUR KIDS!! Does she want a cookie? Does she need validation? Noooooooooooooo...

 

 

This is ABOUT YOU...Simple question for you?

 

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING...WHAT CAN YOU LOSE?

 

 

Think about it....you have..LISTEN TO WHAT I JUST WROTE..

 

YOU have allowed her to HURT YOU.

 

Is it her fault? Noooo...it's your's for thinking or assuming she would change.

 

 

You have several years left. You have your heart in the right spot BUT NOT YOUR HEAD my friend. Cut your wound and release the poison!!

 

 

She is taking you for everything you got and GIVING NOTHING in return. So she cleans house and loves the kids....WONDERFUL...

 

 

YOU MATTER TO!!! LISTEN TO ME.....YOU MATTER!!!!!

 

 

She is NOT ever going to change....LET HER GO!!!

 

 

YOu have LOST nothing......NOTHING.

 

 

You have everything to gain because the one you are looking for IS NOT YOUR WIFE.

 

 

You have time enough to find what your heart wants....now stop doing the same thing and get this ball rolling...

 

 

The sooner you do...the sooner you will start to heal.

 

 

 

 

I wish you the best...I sincerely do.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Soon_tobex]

Thanks Kellbell. Thanks SuperDave.

 

Kellbell - some very interesting reading. I'd say she clearly has 5 of the 8 on link removed ... not a huge ringing diagnosis, but pretty strong. SuperDave - a little tough love is much appreciated. While maybe I've over-stated some things, a comment that her brother made to me a year or two ago really hits home. He said: "She never has your back. Other wives will back their husband, even when they do something stupid, wrong, or just silly. She doesn't. She'll call you on it, even in front of people. That's harsh."

 

That's her brother commenting on his sister (my wife).

 

LOL..the way YOU lay it out SD, I'm sure not seeing the forest for the trees, huh?!

[SuperDave71]

Soon tobex,

 

You can't see the big picture because you are standing TO CLOSE TO THE IMAGE.

 

You can do one of two things...

 

 

Taken from the movie "The Shawshank Rememption"

 

 

"Get busy living, or get busy dyin"...

 

 

 

Take the baby steps necessary to stand up for yourself. Learn that self confidence is NOT abuse. You telling your wife that it is NOT always HER WAY..and a compromise will be made from now on where BOTH parties agree.

 

 

Why would you NOT stand in from of a bulldozer and let it run you over?

 

 

Because it would KILL YOU...from the outside in.

 

 

What you are doing now is the same thing..BUT..ironicly...it is killing you from the inside OUT!

 

 

THINK about it!!!

 

 

 

I wish you well despite my tough love!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Soon_tobex]

I'd never before subscribed to a forum. Ever.

 

So opening up here was realllly scary.

 

You guys are amazing. THANK YOU so much for listening to this big lost soul.

 

Your help has helped! I may even sleep tonight (still in the spare bedroom, but at least I'll sleep vs stare at the ceiling).

 

Wife and I just had a bit of a conversation (she's been ignoring me for days now). She wants more conversation from me. Says I don't talk to her... old news. Been hearing that for years. Conversation is 2 way. In 20 years, she's never ever EVER called me at work or on my cell to 'just say hi'. Ever. I call her nearly everyday and often a couple of times just to say 'hey'.

 

I'm defending myself. I'll stop.

 

At this point she still wants me to be different and won't even discuss or consider that she too may need to be different. I have no problem with unilateral attempts on my part. Even if it doesn't work, it won't kill me to be more conversational. I don't need to have a -for-tat exchange of 'I'll do this if you'll do that'

 

But we've been 'here' before. I'm the problem. For 20 years, I'm the problem. I don't converse. I try. Things get better, maybe. But she never commits to trying.

 

Just now we were fighting....errr discussing... and she said "you want me to be different...to work in a job". No, No I don't. I love coming home to you here and the lovely home you make. I really do.

 

But I said, what I do want is, for example: for you and me to go to a quiet B&B once in a while. We have the money. Just us. Take a book. We'll find a place with a quiet corner fireplace and we can just be alone. I'm not asking for sex (but I'm not not asking either, mind you). I'd like that change. Her response: we've never done that. We had the opportunity years ago, but we never did.

 

True. And years ago, before we were even married, we bought a house (her desire), she was working, i was working 2 jobs AND going to grad school AND building a career and then we had 3 kids within 4 years. Uh we didn't HAVE the money, the time, etc.

 

Fine, we didn't do it then. SO WHAT?! Let's do it NOW. I think I'm going to make a GD reservation and make her get in the GD car and I'm taking her.

 

Again, at this point the conversation is going where it always goes: I need to change. I'll try but I won't try for ever. If there isn't some progress in 'us' I'm outta here.

[SuperDave71]

Soon tobex,

 

 

YOU MATTER!

 

 

Remember that! DO NOT SETTLE FOR SCRAPS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THE WHOLE COW!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Beec]

Yikes.

 

OK, while you are not getting what you want in a marriage, neither is she, although I don't think anyone can tell you what she does want.

 

Take a look at link removed, in the free principles area, which I will summarize. We fall for those people who give us emotional fulfillment (mkae us feel special, wanted, appreciated, etc.) AND do so while remaining aloof and independent. Once someone does that for us, what we will do for them is near limitless. Until they begin asking for more than what they give us. It's not a for tat exchange. You and your wife are not giving each oher fulfillment, and it may be that you have never reached your wife in that regard. I cannot tell you that, but you might be able to figure it out.

 

I cannot understand a woman basically telling you that she used you as a ticket out, unless she really had no feelings for you. Your kids are getting to an age at which they know and understand, and perhaps an age at which you can begin to realize your needs matter, and getting out should be a real thought. Being in a loveless marriage for convenience, when someone used you getting into it, is not good.

 

I think before you begin to decide what to do, you need to decide what you want. Could you try to put in a bunch of effort and get thigns to change with your wife. Perhaps? But that may not be worth it either. Baby Carrot outlined the options, which ones work for you?

[mike_chppr]

Wow,

 

I'm finally caught up. She seems wack, but your posts also seem a bit whack too. I see yourself in me a bit,

 

read really really fast....

 

what do i do, what do i do to get her to have sex with me, how do i touch her, what do i do, can i try this.... op doesn't work can i try that... op doesn't work what do i do, what do i do to get her to have sex with me, how do i touch her, what do i do, can i try this.... op doesn't work can i try that... op doesn't work

 

So I see you as anxious attachment and her as avoident attachment, but moreso than me and my wifex. See this website to start seeing what I mean by attachment. This isn't all bad, as it has partly brought you the success that you have, and also the complete avoidance of the possibility of infidelity. link removed

 

I don't have children, but similar to you seeing and saying how she and her mother are twins. You are playing the role very simliar to that which her dad played with her mom. It is tranferred to you in a way that is extremely avoidant. She is trying to prove her childhood model to herself. But she is holding the carrot preying on your childhood as well. Like the concept of her saying you left me just like your father.... yada, yada. You have issues and she has issues, you both are probably at a boiling point and really just want to know who you really are, alone, by yourself not wrapped up in the drama of one another. Yea she is sexy. Yea you would love to do it with the lights on. Yea you would just like to do it period. But she is so critical, you can't do it perfect, you can't please her. You have to magically know how to touch her right to be putty in your hands. But she won't show you how she won't let you in. She wants you to discover it WITH NO FEEDBACK! And you crave her affection. you want her to give it to you... who you kidding she hasn't even discovered herself.

 

back to the children. They are old enough to know what is going on. Here is the stinger. Do you want them to grow into relationships that mimic you and your wife? Because she and her mom are twins. History tends to repeat itself. Do you want your children to prey on others with the perfection and intensity that your wife does. Or live a successful, but emotionally unfulfilling life such as yourself. They NEED a different model. otherwise they are likely to spend the rest of their lives trying to prove that the model of your relaionship is the way things have to be. By you respectfully bowing out and expressing the reasons to your children it gives them hope even though you don't do it verbally.

 

They know you are sleeping in another room, what does that tell them, "when they get in an argument with their significant other they can kick him/her in the doghouse." That they can throw stuff and it be OK.

 

I don't have much hope for your marriage. How long are you willing to play tug of war with no team on the other side. The mud is caked on good and you still keep pulling where even if they tried to play they would have to crawl through the mudpit and try to catch you. Without having hope for your marriage, I offer a recomendation (Do a trial separation, during this trial you and the kids and her will go to counseling together to help with the turbulence). Because you getting another place, even though you are supporting her and the kids is a huge shift in the model that your children have experience their whole lives. Separation counseling would be an asset. It may bring her to the table, "look hun I agree we should separate, we dang near are already with me sleeping in another room, but we should do family counseling for the kids. To help them understand that it is not them, etc... etc..." Sell it as for the kids, Because in the end you need to do what is best for them. They deserve it, just like you deserve to experience real love.

 

I need to go to sleep,

 

Mike_chppr

[Rubiez]

If I wasn't already near divorced, and stayed home with the kids I'd swear I'm your wife. I did the exact same to my husband. Once again, just my own personal experience...take it for what it's worth. What happened with me was the little things kept growing and gnawing at me until I was full of resentment to the point that I couldn't stand him.

I acted that way because the pressure of everything being on me got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. Emotionally I could not depend on my husband. If I needed a shoulder to cry on, he'd give me more stuff to cry about, if I was tired, he was more tired, if I had a bad day his was worse.

I felt like he never built me up or took anything I said seriously. He always talked over me in conversations, not only when we were talking between ourselves, but with other people too. He constantly interrupted everything I had to say, as if what I had to say wasn't important. If we went somewhere it was up to me to make all the arrangements. In the 9 years we were together he never once came home and said "I got a sitter and we're going out tonight" At night he snored so bad I couldn't cuddle with him, much less sleep with him. If my husband wouldn't sleep with me for that reason, I'd be at the doctor doing something about it rather than let that go on. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do that for me.

In the 9 years we were together I never got to go home and see my family, we always saw his family, but it never occurred to him that I needed to see mine.

I also felt like he wasn't in tune with the kids, he never wanted to do a family thing together, I felt like I had to choose. 'us or them' If he couldn't gain nothing by going to the park or the zoo, then he didn' t want to go. His idea of watching the kids was keeping them in the house while I was gone, he'd never play with them. I'd come home to the house trashed, the kids hungry, tired, and fighting. It wasn't worth trying to go out by myself because I'd pay for it when I got back. I felt like I could never get a break.

It got to be where the most exciting thing I got to do was go to the grocery store on Saturday mornings and get a Starbucks.

I decided after all this time to throw in the towel, I've tried everything to get him to understand how I feel. I don't regret my decision, it wasn't easy, but I know now I can't live like that anymore. I take the blame for the failure of my marriage, I realize now I didn't know how to forgive, and I held onto every little grudge and destroyed our marriage. I had a lot of issues, but I was way too darn proud to admit I have fault (leo in me I guess )

How I learned what I did and what my problem was didn't lie with a therapist or a counselor. I learned all this by going to church. That may help you, or it may not. Like I said before, I can only tell you from my experience, and hopefully that will help you with a little bit of insight from the other side.

Best of luck to you, I think with patience you might find a way. It's a tough situation, but you'll be stronger because of it.

[Siriana]

So why are you thinking she's throwing away something?

To me this looks like a very unhappy and paintfull mariagge.

Why don't you just let her go? She's not into saving marriage you can't force her.

She's not what you want her to be, and she can't be someone who she's not.

[Soon_tobex]

It's eerie.

 

For years I've struggled to understand why she is the way she is. And in 2 days on this forum, I've received some really interesting (and probably accurate) explanations. It really helps me to understand why.

 

I think the obsessive compulsive personality disorder that was mentioned earlier realllllly offers some insight into my wife. Over the past couple of days it seems more and more like an interesting possibility.

 

Last night, we talked. She continued to say that I need to change (and that she's really lost any hope or desire for me to change). When I asked for an example she gave the following: a couple of weeks ago after I came home from work she told me that while she was out and about earlier in the day, she claimed that an ambulance nearly ran her off the road. She said the driver was reckless and nearly caused an accident. As she told the story, I listened and expressed my amazement and concern for her safety "wow!... you've got to be kidding me!! No way!" etc.

 

Now to paint a clear picture, she has leaned on the horn or screamed at me for what she has discerned to be bad driving by other people. I'm on the road a LOT. Hundreds of miles a week. (have never had an accident in almost 30 years). She drives maybe a hundred a month. I see a whole lot more than she does. With a 100% honest attempt at objectivity -

in most cases, what she viewed as bad driving by others simply wasn't (IMHO). So, as I listened to the story, yes, I clearly was thinking "it probably wasn't as bad as she is saying"... But I did NOT say that. I thought it. I wanted to say it, but that would be insensitive which I'm not. I'm trying to be funny here.

 

Well, she told me last night that my reaction was exactly the WRONG reaction. She expected me to immediately pick up the phone, call the police and report the driver, demand action. Call the ambulance company. Demand that the driver be reprimanded, etc.

 

So, friends... you make the call. Which reaction to the story would have made most sense?

 

Inquiring mind wants to know.

[SuperDave71]

Soon tobex,

 

 

Have her answer this question?

 

Where in the "Guys Manual" ( ha ha) does it say:

 

page 234.."MINDREADING for Dummies" and beginers guide to knowing exactly what your wife or girlfriend thinks at any given moment.?

 

 

No matter what....I want to look at something seriously.

 

 

Ask yourself this one....

 

What is SHE doing to make the marriage work?

 

When you have been honest with yourself and with your feelings,

 

I believe you will know what to do...

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

It takes TWO ya know!!!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Beec]

Well, if there was a complaint to be made reagrding the ambulance's driving, it should not have been done by a person who heard about it second hand. If there was a complaint to be made, it was her job to make it. What are you, her personal servant and spokesman in this regard?

 

And if she was in the way of an ambulance with sirens flashing, etc., maybe she deserved to feel like she was being run off the road.

 

So my question is what was your reaction? If you have a partner that is out of line, I think not saying something when they are begins to bring some of the responsibility back on you.

[anggrace]

Is she depressed? Would she admit it if she was?