Rubiez

If I wasn't already near divorced, and stayed home with the kids I'd swear I'm your wife. I did the exact same to my husband. Once again, just my own personal experience...take it for what it's worth. What happened with me was the little things kept growing and gnawing at me until I was full of resentment to the point that I couldn't stand him. I acted that way because the pressure of everything being on me got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. Emotionally I could not depend on my husband. If I needed a shoulder to cry on, he'd give me more stuff to cry about, if I was tired, he was more tired, if I had a bad day his was worse. I felt like he never built me up or took anything I said seriously. He always talked over me in conversations, not only when we were talking between ourselves, but with other people too. He constantly interrupted everything I had to say, as if what I had to say wasn't important. If we went somewhere it was up to me to make all the arrangements. In the 9 years we were together he never once came home and said "I got a sitter and we're going out tonight" At night he snored so bad I couldn't cuddle with him, much less sleep with him. If my husband wouldn't sleep with me for that reason, I'd be at the doctor doing something about it rather than let that go on. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do that for me. In the 9 years we were together I never got to go home and see my family, we always saw his family, but it never occurred to him that I needed to see mine. I also felt like he wasn't in tune with the kids, he never wanted to do a family thing together, I felt like I had to choose. 'us or them' If he couldn't gain nothing by going to the park or the zoo, then he didn' t want to go. His idea of watching the kids was keeping them in the house while I was gone, he'd never play with them. I'd come home to the house trashed, the kids hungry, tired, and fighting. It wasn't worth trying to go out by myself because I'd pay for it when I got back. I felt like I could never get a break. It got to be where the most exciting thing I got to do was go to the grocery store on Saturday mornings and get a Starbucks. I decided after all this time to throw in the towel, I've tried everything to get him to understand how I feel. I don't regret my decision, it wasn't easy, but I know now I can't live like that anymore. I take the blame for the failure of my marriage, I realize now I didn't know how to forgive, and I held onto every little grudge and destroyed our marriage. I had a lot of issues, but I was way too darn proud to admit I have fault (leo in me I guess ) How I learned what I did and what my problem was didn't lie with a therapist or a counselor. I learned all this by going to church. That may help you, or it may not. Like I said before, I can only tell you from my experience, and hopefully that will help you with a little bit of insight from the other side. Best of luck to you, I think with patience you might find a way. It's a tough situation, but you'll be stronger because of it.

This is just from my own personal experience of being the wife you described... I acted the same way towards my husband. I acted that way because he wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, and he always had to have his way. I gave up arguing, it didn't do me any good. Everything in life was all about him. He always put himself before the kids and me. When the kids birthdays came around, it was me doing all the running around getting gifts, ordering cake, same with holidays, vacations etc. If I needed him to do something for me, he'd do it when he felt like it. I felt more like a mom than a wife. I began to withdrawl from him until our marriage crumbled. I fell out of love with him years ago, but he didn't notice until I filed for divorce. I realized after all this time, I was more of a mom than a wife. My husband didn't have a clue what interested me, or even what my favorite color was for that matter. Plain and simply, my husband didn't give me any attention. I don't know if this provides you the insight you were looking for, it may not even apply to your situation at all, these are just the reasons I acted the same way you describe your wife to be acting. The best advice I can give you is to try to find a good marriage counselor, and to keep talking to her, let her know you care, and how seriously her actions are hurting you. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for all the advice. I'm trying like mad to make this as painless as possible for all involved. I agree the kids need to know the truth, but I am trying to handle it in such a way so as not to bad mouth my ex. That's what I am having a hard time with, choosing my words carefully. I don't want them to feel they need to choose sides at all, and I definetly don't want them to feel guilty for wanting to be with him or me. The reason he moved out of the house when I asked for the divorce is we both wanted the girls to stay in the same school district, and there was no question that the girls would reside with me. My ex works the graveyard shift during the weekends which makes him having the girls full time nearly impossible. I have been trying to approach this subject with my ex, explaining to him that regardless of how mad we are at each other, we need to be united in front of the kids. for example, I will not let my kids talk back to their father in front of me, nor will I allow them to say bad things. All I want is the the same kind of respect back. He gets so defensive when I bring this subject up, I'm trying to figure out a way to broach this subject without him feeling like he's being attacked. I have made an appointment with a counselor this week, I'm hoping she can help me with this. In the meantime, if anyone else has suggestions, please let me know. Thanks!

Hi all~ I need help. My husband and I split up about a month ago, and are in the process of getting a divorce. We have 2 daughters, the oldest is mine from a previous marriage that he's raised since she was 14 months. I believe strongly that we need to keep the kids out of our divorce as much as possible and assure them that although we are not in love with each other we both still love the kids. My kids have been with their father for the past 2 weeks and visiting me on the weekends as it is summer break. Once they go back to school they will hardly be able to see their father. He is staying at a friend's house for now, and the children visit him there. They love being there, they have a great time. They came back to me this weekend and they acted a little quiet and withdrawn. My oldest has been crying nonstop. I asked them what was wrong and little by little they began to tell me all the bad things their father and his friends have been saying about me. He blames me completely for the divorce, and told the kids that "mommy kicked him out of the house" which is just not true. I don't think the kids need to know all the gory details behind the divorce, nor should they feel they should have to pick sides. He believes that they need to know everything including our financial problems. They were afraid to buy a box a cereal at the store because it was "too expensive" My 5 year old also thinks she is too fat "daddy's friends say she eats too much" is what she told me. How is the best way to handle this? I have tried to talk to my soon to be ex husband about this but he denies that any of this is happening. I don't' want to bad mouth my soon to be ex in front of the kids, but this is getting really hard not to do. My oldest thinks everything is my fault and is beginning to hate me. I am at fault, I'll admit it, but not for the reasons he is telling her. I don't know what to tell the kids. I don't want to damage them or their relationship with their father.

My husband decided after I "dropped the bomb" to finally see a doctor after I've been begging him to do so for the last few years. He walked out with some rx's and he will readily admit he has adhd. I appreciate the fact that he has finally gone to the doctor but my whole problem is wouldn't he do this before when I was ready to work things out. It makes me really angry. If I had a problem that I was aware of that bothered him, I would be doing everything in my power to make it better. I realize that he cannot help how he is with ADHD, but I don't accept the fact that he cannot take any responsiblility for getting help for it. I don't know what to do, all I want to do is be alone with my kids. I'm tired of feeling like the mediator between him and my girls. I want to be able to take my kids out shopping without feeling guilty. I want a normal schedule (his work schedule changes every 6 months and he works nights) I want to be able to make plans, go to school, go to work without worrying about what he's going to do. I really want peace in my house. I feel like he is my third child. He went from being someone that needed me to someone who is completely dependant on me. I'm cracking under the pressure.

I met one of my closest friends in the entire world via email. I asked all sorts of questions and for his advice on just about everything. One question I like to ask people is I ask them to tell me a secret. Something no one else knows about them. It usually opens up the door to all kinds of conversations. I also ask about their family, like the worst thing they ever did to a sibling, who they felt closest to growing up, what their favorite toys were as a child etc..Hope some of these ideas help!

No there is no one else that is a catalyst for me wanting out of the marriage although I do find that I am beginning to crave attention from other men. Maybe not so much other men, but anyone at the moment. I feel so alone sometimes like I have absolutely no one to talk to. What happened is during my first marriage my first husband always promised to quit hurtung me/hitting me/drinking etc. He'd quit for a few months and go back to his old ways. I know that's over and done with, but I've brought that experience into this marriage, where I don't believe my current husband when he says he wants to change. He's said it several times before, things get better for awhile, and then 3 months later it's back to the same thing. I don't trust the fact that this time "he really means it" I just don't want to wake up 10 years from now wondering why I waited so long for someone to change their ways. At this point and time, I'm sick and tired of all the lines, the broken promises etc. I just want to be free to raise my girls, go to school, and keep moving up at work. At times I think the only reason my husband is with me is because if he wasn't he'd loose everything. I make a considerable amount more than he does at work, and I work a lot more than he does. I think he just thinks he loves me because I am his "comfort zone" I think he has that confused with what a relationship is all about. He likes how things are and doesn't want any change in his life be it divorce or making our relationship work. If I can go through this I am in no hurry to meet another man and get into a relationship. I want to focus on raising my kids, and healing myself.

I have been where you are at, all I can say is it's time for you. Find something you enjoy to get you through the day. I know how depressing it can be while being stuck at home with a baby and he's out. The baby won't be a baby forever, and although you are staying home and depressed, you will be rewarded by your baby later. Hang in there, but try to find something to do for you and just you. Paint your toenails, read a book, anything that makes you feel better about yourself. It will get better, maybe not with your husband, but start concentrating on doing something to make yourself happy. Just start taking baby steps to make you feel better about yourself, do something and don't feel guilty. You have needs too and don't feel guilty about it. You are more than a mom and a wife. I'm still learning that sometimes it's ok to be a little selfish. It has made me stronger, and it has helped me to become a better mother to my girls. My first baby I didn't enjoy at all because I was so stressed out like you. I regret that now, she's 10. By the time I had my second one, I learned a little bit, and I enjoyed her being a baby so much more. You may also want to see about getting some counseling for depression, or finding someone near by to talk to. You may also want to see if you can arrange for someone to watch the baby for a little bit so you can make time for you. You sound like you could use a break from the routine, and have some fun again. After that you can figure out what to do about your husband. Best of luck to you, hang in there, it will get better!!

Hi & thank you all for your advice & support! To answer the previous questions, yes I take my husband out a lot. If I see he's had a tough day with the kids or work, I get a sitter and we're out to dinner, a movie, or just sitting on the couch flipping channels and relaxing. I'm not so concerned about stuff like my b-day or Christmas, but I at least would appreciate support in making it special for our kids. My husband seems to be without the ability to put himself in another person's shoes. For example, a couple of weeks ago he was trying to show my daughter how to ride a bike, and she fell. He carried her into the house screaming. I came down to find her hysterical, and he told me "don't worry she needs to shake it off" He didn't bother to take off her pants and look at the knee she was screaming about. I took one look at her, got into the car and drove to the ER. Sure enought the poor kid had a broken knee. I took her home, settled her on the couch, and ran to the store for crayons, movies and activities to keep her busy while in a cast. He went to a party at his friend's house, and got upset with me for babying my daughter too much. If I wasn't home he wouldn't have taken her to the ER. This is his own flesh & blood!! He had no sympathy for her. My first marriage failed for a lot of reasons, but mainly I married too young (at 19) and my first husband started drinking heavily and got messed up ton meth. He became physically abusive and I took my daughter and got out of there. My husband now wants to change and work things out, which makes me happy, but there is a part of me that is gone. That romantic love for him I once felt is completely gone. I don't know if you can get that back once it's lost. I love him to a lot, but not like a wife should love a husband. I'm to the point I really just want to be alone, and I've suggested a temporary separation, but my husband refuses to let me have it. It's either divorce or work it out, nothing in between. I was hoping if we were separated for awhile I'd start to miss him, and we could start dating from scratch. I thought then maybe if we started over I could fall back in love with him. I'm almost resentful towards him, because once again it seems like it's all about him, his problems, and his feelings. I want to scream sometimes "what about me??" I know it's selfish, but honestly it's how I feel. All this time its been about him, what he likes, what he wants to do, his friends, his family etc... I also feel in a way kind of duped, when we married he knew I wanted a big family. He has decided that one child is all we will have. I can understand if he has concerns about money, housing etc... but for him to make the decision and tell me that's it with no further discussion, I feel like my feelings are unimportant. Now that he wants to change after I've been bugging him for years, I feel like "how come I wasn't important enough before?" I really think I'm done, it's over. I don't have the desire to try any more, people say I need to for the kids. I'm sorry for being selfish, but I really don't want to try, I just want to get out peacefully. Sorry so long, but thanks for listening. This site is a god send!

I don't even know how to begin, I just dropped the bomb on my husband of 7 years. I told him I wanted a divorce, and it broke his heart. I feel so terrible, but I can't go on holding my true feelings inside. I'm just not in love with him anymore, I can't help it, I don't know what to do. I told him I wanted a divorce over a year ago, and then agreed to try and work things out. I asked for marriage counseling, and he agreed, but he never made an effort to go. I love him, but not the way a wife should love a husband, I love him more as a brother or a friend if that makes any sense. We talked tonight and he agreed to let me have a divorce, I just don't want to make a complete mess of things, and I'm scared to death. This is my second marriage already, I have 2 children, one is my first husbands, and the other is his. My husband says all the right things, and knows what is wrong, but nothing has changed. For example in the seven years we've been together not once has he taken me out. Birthdays and holidays go unnoticed. He says he knows he has this problem and wants to fix these things, but when it comes to actually putting forth the effort, he never does. He never seems to want to spend time together as a family, even simple things like taking a walk after dinner, it's just me the kids, and the dog. Now I feel completely guilty for breaking his heart. I know he loves me, and I feel awful for wanting more. I don't know what to do, am I in the wrong for feeling this way? Should I just put up and shut up? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

It could be a couple of different things. If you can't go to your mom, find an adult you can go to, a friends mom maybe? teacher? counselor? aunt? uncle? cousin? It may something as simple as ingrown hairs, or if you're sexually active it could be a sexually transmitted disease. You really should get to a doctor, and find an adult you can trust to talk to about it. A little embarrassment now may save you a lot of pain later.