Sound Off: Would you date someone who hadn't "come out of the closet"?

[Royal Members]

Dear eNotalone Members,

 

This Members Sound Off addresses a specific segment of our audience that we recognize doesn't include everyone. However, we encourage all of our members to give their feedback on the subsequent discussion thread, as most of us have either gay friends, family, or acquaintances. As always, lively and provocative debate is welcome; disrespect and flaming is not.

[all about us]

I wouldn't simply because I know for my own experience that it ends in a bad manner. However, if he is not out yet but will come out soon, I would date him.

 

I say this because I dated a guy and I was not out to anyone and it was difficult for us to be a couple and, at the same time, leave me feeling comfortable. I started dating my boyfriend and I was not out but when things became serious I came out to my friends and things worked out greatly after that (even though we are not together now for other reasons).

[NKP]

Yeah i would, because to come out is sometimes really hard for some and there friends could be strong against gays. But i would want to be introduced to friends but not as a lover but as a friend even.

[doyathink]

Well, if they haven't come out yet, I may not know they are gay...so, yeah, I guess I would...maybe.

[Cadence308]

I would date someone who wasn't out of the closet because I'm not out either! I guess it also goes back to what it means to be out of the closet. Some people are out to everyone, including co-workers, family, and friends. Some are only out to close friends. One can't deny that there are certain privileges associated with being heterosexual and I can understand not wanting to be discriminated against based on my sexuality.

 

Also, since one could never guess that I prefer women and I'm very feminine, etc. I like to challenge people who bash homosexuals by playing devil's advocate with them because chances are high that they assume I prefer men. For instance, this past weekend my Mormon roommate was telling me how sick gays are and how her best friend in high school fell in love with her and told her that she was in love with her. We ended up in a debate about homosexuality. She was telling me that man and woman being together is nature's way. I said, "Not exactly. It's been shown that many species will mate with members of the same sex."

[ForAnother]

I would like a specification to the poll. Am I aware of the fact they are out of the closet or am I to be unaware?

 

-ForAnother

[jsudz2430]

Ther's no future in that

[shellshocked]

Yes, I would.

 

Coming out is a process...and it most certaintly isn't

black or white.

 

It's about accepting yourself and sometimes that takes some time.

 

There are also certain degrees to being out.

Some people are totally out and are comfortable being

out to everyone.

While others choose not to be out to certain people or

in certain areas of their lives, such as in the workplace or

where they feel it wouldn't be safe to do so.

[KronicMan]

what is coming out anyway? as long as you recognize who you are than thats all that matters, the whole world doesnt need to know.

[buddafleye]

I definitely would because I know how difficult it is to come out. I can't expect something from someone else that I myself am having a hard time with. I don't think you should base a relationship on whether or not someone's out. If you like the person enough, that doesn't matter.

[itsallgrand]

Oh god no. Too much drama. Too many secrets. Who are you?

[AzureSkyes69]

I would want to be with someone who is comfortable with who they are and happy in their own skin.To be that would consist of being open with who they are as an individual and yes out of the closet.

I am not saying someone has to go around anouncing that they are gay,but to be open and out with friends and family is so much easier in the long run if your in a relationship with someone.

[FoxLocke]

It all depends upon the circumstances as to why they aren't out for me.

 

If they aren't out because...

 

1.) They refuse to admit they are gay to themselves...

 

or...

 

2.) They only want to be with you to indulge some curiosity...

 

or

 

3.) They are on the down low and have no intention of being committed to a relationship...

 

All three of those would warrant a hell no from me. I know from personal experience from situation number one. I was really head over heels for the person, but he refused to admit he was gay even though we made out several times...I refuse to do that again...

 

However, I would date someone who was gay but struggling to tell family and friends about it...That is understandable because it is very hard to disclose your sexuality in a bigoted society.

[about2giveup]

It took me a long time to come out of the closet and now 10 years out my life has been so much better. My fears of coming out were much less then I had thought they would be. Now my life is no different than anyone else. It seems to be if I am in the closet, that is how you are treated because people seem to know you are hiding something. which gives them the opinion if you are hiding it you are ashamed. Since I have been out I have had less gay slurs made around me and I am that one .. you know.. when people talk the gay talk.. I am the one.. people who don't know many gays.. I am the one they referr to and I believe I set a good standing for the gay community.

So .. NO NO NO.. I would not take any part of my life and hide it again. So I couldn't date someone in the closet.

[Scout]

I would like a specification to the poll. Am I aware of the fact they are out of the closet or am I to be unaware?

 

-ForAnother

 

ForAnother, they aren't out of the closet, and you are aware they aren't. That's the premise of the poll, anyway.

[Day_Walker]

For me to be dating someone, they have to adhere to an applicable standard. I believe that it takes courage to "come out" but I think there would be many complications if the other person had not come out yet. Namely if they still wanted the appearance that the were straight and that would mean certain public activities would be a no no. I choose not to deal with the added drama of dealing with a person who has not come out.

[cin-cin]

I say no. If my partner can't hold my hand, then why should they have sex with me? If they are "ashamed" of being with me ... well, I want to have more respect for MYSELF than that.

[Scout]

I'm wondering if anyone that has responded so far ever dated someone before they came out of the closet and kept it a secret. Just curious.

[capricornprncess]

from personal experience, i would not. simply because i was in that situation, i wasnt out with anybody and i was dating this girl and she clearly was. it didnt work out obviously, though i did love her, i could not bring myself to be public with it, and that ended it. so to answer the question no i wouldnt.

[sighs]

been there, done that... well, at the time i didn't know he was like that, but through our relationship there were some diffinate tell tale signs, but it's interesting though, because we broke up (obviously) and he knows i know his secret and now we're really good friends as dealing with this issue for a 17 year old can be very difficult espically when it comes to his guy mates.

 

 

at the time of me going out with him, i don't think he excatly knew he was gay, but being with a girl (me being his 1st gf) confermed for him that he was, which was ok i guess as he was open about it with me and we ended the reli before it got serious

[renaissancewoman101]

My ex best friend is gay and I dated him for a few years in college. HAD NO IDEA he was gay, although I found some of his behaviours peculiar. I was a sheleterd girl so I never suspected just wondered about his personality. Never really had sex with him either. He is still a VERY closeted gay. Is still married to me, has a bf, and refuses to be seen in public a lot with is bf, even though we all now live in CA. Is afraid that people at his work think he's gay. After watching the wretched existence he has, I think people should come out of the closet. It makes life A LOT easier to live.

[Deviant_Kate]

I considered it until I saw the "and refused to introduce you to their friends" part. I wouldn't mind if she didn't want to tell her parents or coworkers, but to be kept secret even from the friends is the same as being told "I'm ashamed of myself and of you. Deal with it."

[Deviant_Kate]

I'm wondering if anyone that has responded so far ever dated someone before they came out of the closet and kept it a secret. Just curious.

 

My girlfriend didn't tell her parents about us (or about her sexuality) until we had been together 5-6 months. She let her non-work friends know right away, and wanted to show me off, but she didn't know how to tell her parents and she didn't want her crazy republican boss to find out.

 

It didn't bug me. It gave her parents time to get to know me without knowing that I was having sex with their baby girl, and it gave her time to get used to the idea of being gay. She'd always suspected that she was bisexual, but she didn't KNOW until we got together. I'm her first (and hopefully last/only) girlfriend.

 

Her folks took it really well. They love me and they take me out for dinner for my birthday and they get me Christmas presents and everything. They're fantastic parents.

[Imaginary]

It all depends upon the circumstances as to why they aren't out for me.

 

If they aren't out because...

 

1.) They refuse to admit they are gay to themselves...

 

or...

 

2.) They only want to be with you to indulge some curiosity...

 

or

 

3.) They are on the down low and have no intention of being committed to a relationship...

 

All three of those would warrant a hell no from me. I know from personal experience from situation number one. I was really head over heels for the person, but he refused to admit he was gay even though we made out several times...I refuse to do that again...

 

However, I would date someone who was gay but struggling to tell family and friends about it...That is understandable because it is very hard to disclose your sexuality in a bigoted society.

 

Yes, pretty much all that. If they are not questioning and want me to be a "test run" then it's fine.

[TalkTalk]

I would have said yes, until I read the "would not introduce you to friends" bit. If you're going to date someone, it shouldn't matter what gender, you should still introduce them to your friends.