buddafleye

I just wanted to add my two cents to say staring doesn't necessarily always mean someone's interested. I know this from personal experience with someone blatantly staring at me for weeks on end, me saying I liked them and them REJECTING me coldly. lol. But it sounds like this girl does like you.

No, I don't know a single gay person. Well, that I'm aware of anyway. I'm living in a new town. I'm not comfortable going to a gay bar by myself because that's very intimidating. I don't think I'm very prepared to discuss this with anyone yet considering I'm only JUST discussing it with myself. lol. I am mad at myself because I've known almost my entire life that I wasn't straight, but I wouldn't give up the possibility of being bi because I always assumed that in the end, I'd be with a guy. I feel like I've missed out on a lot because most of my friends are getting married and whatever and here I am only now feeling things towards other people. I was starting to worry I was an asexual or something, but definitely not. lol. I definitely have a huge staring problem when it comes to girls now. My family is extremely dysfunctional. Most families are, lol, but mine are dysfunctional to the extreme. I don't know if I'll ever tell them. I feel like I've woken up from a really deep sleep. I finally understand.

Nope... I've never had romantic feelings for guys. Guys actually give me the opposite feeling. The thought of kissing them and actually doing it kind of grosses me out. I really like being friends with them, but that's about it. I've always known I'm not straight, but it's coming to the realization that I'm not even bi that's sort of freaking me out.

Well, I'm having a hard time with that. I kind of want to be bi because I always imagined myself down the road with a husband, but if I'm to be honest with you and myself... I've NEVER felt ANYTHING towards guys. I've had boyfriends, but I never felt for them what I feel for women. Right now I would have to say I am not bi. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian. That's really hard to say, but everything points towards that.

I've posted on these boards before, talking about random crushes and such, but I've never fully admitted my sexuality. Lately, I just can't get it out of my head. I've been remembering back to when I was little and I remember having crushes on girls as far back as five and six years old... only I didn't know they were crushes. I actually didn't understand what a crush REALLY meant until last summer. I'm 22... late bloomer, much? lol. I used to *say* I had crushes on boys, but that was to impress friends or family because everyone was always asking me about who I had a crush on and I felt like something was wrong with me for not feeling anything towards guys. But every crush I've ever had has been on girls and women. Now that I understand what it means, everything makes a lot more sense. I never understood why I wasn't feeling excited about being around boys. It never even occurred to me that I could be a lesbian. I remember one of the very first times I felt that way towards a girl. My mom and I were at a fair that was in town and we were watching some kind of musical on stage. I remember there was this one girl that completely caught my eye. I loved her hair, the way she smiled... everything. I was completely transfixed by her. But I was seven or eight, so I just thought I was really enjoying the show and that maybe I wanted to be like her or something. But no, I kept my eyes on that girl the entire show and then dreamt about her for weeks. She made my stomach tingle and I had NO idea what that meant. I remember going out with my mom on the weekends and seeing other girls... I would stare at them in awe as they walked by and my mom just thought I liked their outfits, so she'd go and buy me the same stuff. Even as far back as three and four... my mom and I were on a bus and she tells me (and I partially remember) about how I would point to this one advertisement on the bus that had this pretty blond woman and say that I loved her. lol. That had to be a sign, right? In grade six I had a huge crush on my French teacher. In high school I had a massive crush on my English teacher, which led to a very strange relationship because I was unknowingly courting the poor woman. lol. At my old job there were a couple managers who I would get SO nervous around. I didn't understand this nervousness whatsoever. I thought I was just a big nerd or something because every time they came near me, my heart rate would go up a thousand beats per second, I would constantly stare at them. Now that I think back to that, they really must've known... but I had NO idea. It's just all become really clear to me all of a sudden. And now that I'm slowly coming to terms with who I am, I'm REALLY scared. I'm having feelings for people I've never experienced in my life. I finally understand why teenage girls are so boy crazy. I find myself checking out girls now every time I go out and I'm freaking myself out. I'm scared to have these strong feelings for people and I'm scared of offending them by looking at them.... I just don't know what to do. And I'm pretty upset with myself for not realizing who I was for such a long time. Another thing is I don't think my family would EVER understand. They're very conservative about sexuality and I'd probably automatically be labeled a failure and the black sheep of the family. It's a weird situation and I suddenly feel like I'm back in my teens all over again, just now discovering sexuality, love, etc. Like I said in the beginning, I've been realizing my crushes on girls since last summer... but I wasn't quite ready to accept any of it. *sigh*

aww... how fun. I love that nervous feeling.

This is true. And I still don't care. I'll be uncomfortable because I'm not giving her the satisfaction of speaking to me.

I'm definitely not afraid of her. I don't want to say anything because it's not my problem. I'm annoyed she's made it an issue for me. I'm not going to approach her because I don't care enough to talk to her. Sometimes if someone's interested in me, even when I'm not interested in them I feel slightly flattered or somewhat attracted to them just because they like me. Well I'm just plain annoyed by this girl. I feel nothing but resentment towards her and I don't even know who she really is. She's not my type, she's never going to be my type. She tries to make eye contact and I clearly pretend she doesn't exist. I feel like a horrible person, but if I were her I would've definitely gotten the point by now. It's not my job to make her come to that realization.

I really don't think it's my responsibility or problem. How am I encouraging ANYTHING having never spoken to her, ignoring her all the time, etc. I'm not going to go out of my comfort zone to tell her to EF off and get a life, in nicer terms obviously. I'm just going to keep ignoring her because if she can't get a clue, it's her own problem. I'm done in three months and never have to see her again.

Because I'm not interested in talking to her. I have no reason to talk to her. I'm in a lecture of 100+ people, so you don't just randomly talk to someone. If I talk to her, if she does have a crush, she's going to think I'm interested and I'd rather not take this thing any further. She should just get the point when I blatantly ignore her and her eye contact every day. But she doesn't seem to. I do swing that way (most of the time), so that's not the issue. She's more of "butch" type of girl, only not totally butch. I don't know what the term would be. But she's not my type to date and she's not someone I'd even be friends with. She's younger than me and I'm only interested in older, more femme (ish) types like myself.

That's what I've been trying to do... avoid eye contact, avoid all contact. I ran into her in the hallway last week and she watched me the whole way. All I could do was pretend to stare really intensely ahead of me like I was busy. Her whole body language changed to the giddy/nervous/play with my hair kinda thing. I totally recognize it because that's what I do when I like someone. One time I went to my discussion group for this class we're in (she has hers the period before mine) and she left all her stuff in the seat next to where I normally sit. Her class was over, but as usual she hung around just randomly talking to people, staring at me, making me uncomfortable. I know she knows where I sit because since day one she's been waiting around after her class, so we always come in and take our seats while she's still there. Anyway, she had to walk behind me to get her stuff and her hand brushed my @ss. Accident? I have no idea. It sure didn't feel like an accident, especially considering everything else. She said sorry and I couldn't even look at her. I just nodded my head and stared straight ahead. I'm not overly worried about her. I'm sure, if I'm right, it's just a crush. Crushes can turn people into crazy stalkerish types sometimes. I just wish she would get the point. I'm clearly ignoring her and clearly not interested.

I've been on the receiving end of a lot of unwanted crushes from guys, but this is the first time I've ever had to deal with a girl. I've had a few major crushes on girls before so I know how it feels and I know how much rejection stings, but I just want nothing to do with this girl. She's not my type whatsoever and she's likely a few years younger than me. I'm about 99% sure she's a lesbian, somewhat from stereotypes, but also my own gaydar. She hasn't come outright and said anything, but it's painfully, painfully obvious. She's in one of my university classes, a class that has a higher percentage of females. I remember taking notice of her my very first day. Not because I was interested, but because I could feel her glancing at me from a short distance. I've even caught her staring, but she looked away each time. Then each class after the first, she seemed to pop up everywhere. If I left the class during break to get something to eat, she was right behind me. Always, always somewhere within range of me and staring. I know from my own experience of falling for people I don't think I can have, everything she's doing is signs of a crush. At first I thought I might just be imaging things and had to get over myself, but it's been six months of all the same kind of stuff. I don't want to go into too much detail because she could very well read these boards, but basically every week she makes it a point to stick around class later than she has to while I'm there. And really, I have no clue what to do. She's making me uncomfortable from a distance because it feels sort of creepy stalkerish. I almost wish she'd just come out and say something, but we aren't friends and really have no reason to ever speak to one another. There's no way in hell I'm initiating the conversation because it'll make her think I'm interested. I could definitely survive until the end of the year and then hopefully never have a class with her again, but I guess I feel bad for her sort of. On a more positive note, it does, in a way, make me feel sort of good because maybe this means I'm putting out "vibes" and one day I'll attract someone I'm actually interested in. haha. What have you guys done in the past with an unwanted crush?

Ya, I'd definitely be careful about getting crushes on people and looking out for signs that aren't exactly obvious. I was positive, or at least semi-positive, this girl liked me. She made all the eye contact, caught her looking at me ALLLLL the time. All the time. She made an effort to sit closer to me. When she talked to me, she sat with her legs pointing at me, practically on MY legs. And BAM, she doesnt' like me. Now that I said something, I think she actually might hate me. hahah. I have no idea how to tell whether or not someone likes you, but like that person above said... don't get too wrapped up in it or you'll just get hurt. Reeaalllly hurt.

tres bicurious. My crushes are turning into obsessions and I think if I don't soon make out with a girl I might explode with sexual frustration. lol How much you wanna bet 99% of the world's female population is bicurious. I think any girl would try it given the opportunity. I know every girl out there has at least thought about it once, and if they say they haven't they're lying to you and themselves.

The bar rule stands in all cases. When you're at a bar, you're usually drinking and alcohol makes people different. I don't like starting relationships under false pretences. I feel I shouldn't have to remove myself from my usual life to meet someone. Comparing sexuality to jamaican music isn't exactly valid. Going to a jamaican concert to hear the music is significantly different from going to a lesbian bar to find a girlfriend. I understand what you're saying though and while you have a point, I stand firm that I shouldn't need to attend lesbian/gay functions just to meet a person. I want to meet someone like I'd meet someone normally. There is this one lesbian girl in one of my classes who I KNOW is interested in me because I see her everywhere. She blatantly follows me around, stares at me, tries to make contact, etc., and the thought of doing anything with her makes me nauseous. She could very well be a nice person, but I'm just not into her. Generally the people I find attractive have boyfriends and are straight. I guess I could try being more open about it myself. I'm just not into making first moves usually... unless I REALLY like the person. Therein lies the problem with "femmes", we generally wait for the other to make the move because we're used to guys doing it. I don't know... like I said, I'm just frustrated because I feel like I don't know how to even start. I totally see why joining a gay organization/club would be beneficial, but that's just not my lifestyle. I know... I'm difficult.

Oh, I know I definitely have little experience with the whole lesbian thing/world. I only started seriously thinking about it this past summer. Total newbie. That said, I'm not interested in attending a gay/lesbian bar/club. I don't want to be a part of that scene. I don't even like doing that in "straight" bars/clubs. I hate the atmosphere, in terms of finding someone I'd want to go out with. hah, I wish the girl sitting next to me in class was a lesbian. Well, I definitely hear what you're saying. I know there are some femme lesbians out there, I just wish they weren't so hard to find. I'm extremely frustrated with wanting to experiment, but not being able to find someone, you know? I don't need uuber feminine because I myself am not the epitome of womanhood, but I just want a nice looking girl. Looks matter to me as much as personality because frankly, sexual attraction is important. So ya. Where could I go that's NOT a lesbian/gay kind of place?

No, but in general a guy could walk into a crowded room and pick out a girl he'd at least be willing to sleep with.

I know not all lesbians are butch. I didn't say that. But from the pictures I've seen, they aren't exactly the most feminine looking either. I dunno. I dunno! I feel like I just keep talking myself in circles and I can't figure out what I really want. I have no problems being a lesbian, but all the girls I feel I could ever be with or whatever are girls that are straight. I don't like lesbian culture and frankly want nothing to do with that entire scene. I love men as companions. I would love to raise a child with a man. I love having guys to hang out with and talk to. I fantasize about faceless men's "stuff", but I never want the real thing. Well, of the guys I've met so far. Maybe this will all change when I meet him or her, but it's taking waaaayyy too Fing long.

I rarely, rarely find women attractive. I've had three legitimate crushes on women in my 22 years. Well, maybe not legitimate. I'm still trying to determine if two of those were because they were authority figures. haha. But one for sure, I totally would've slept with her kind of feeling. When I first saw her I didn't think she was attractive, but something just happened and one day when we caught each other's eye I completely fell for her. I couldn't look her in the eye without turning 50 shades of red and my heart beating out of my chest. She smelled amazing, her voice was even better. I know that was a real crush. But we never got enough time to get to know one another. I've felt semi-similarly with my recent TA crush, but not nearly as intense. Other than that, I don't look at girls and think they're attractive. I look at guys and I think guys are good looking, but I just don't want to sleep with them. I'm just a mess.

Yes, I do find lesbian porn arousing. I also find hetero porn equally arousing. When I fantasize, sometimes I think about faceless women, but sometimes I think about guys.

How can I be a real lesbian if I don't find a single lesbian the least bit attractive? To me, there's nothing attractive about a girl trying to look butch, there's nothing attractive about the artsy, haven't-really-showered-in-a-week-but-that's-ok-because-I'm-earthy look. I'm not stereotyping, but generally that's how it is. I tried just searching through local personals to see if I could find someone interesting looking and I was completely turned off. There's nothing about "real life" lesbians that interests me. I think I have a problem because I seem to only have a thing for straight girls. Now men. There are a LOT of men I find attractive. Men find me attractive. The problem comes when they flirt and I'm not sexually interested in them. I want talking/relationships with men who just want to have sex and I want sex with women who just want to be friends. What the F am I? hahah. I'm just frustrated.

Honestly, I never ever check out another girl's butt and think "oh, that's hot" or whatever. If I'm checking out a girl, I'm probably checking out her face/eyes/hair/breasts, but generally not even that. Usually my attraction comes from a feeling I get when I'm around them and looks are an added bonus. I like eye contact and if a girl gives me a lot of that, the rest almost doesn't matter. Like this waitress a couple nights ago. Mmhmm. haha. There was ONE time I checked a girl's butt out though, I will admit. It was my madly serious, first real super crush on a girl last summer. Oh, I checked her out. Every inch. I miss her. It was round, just like the rest of her, but not too big. Really nice in her tight work pants... I HATE small, skinny girls. They gross me out, like I'm looking at 12 year old. I also don't like chubby girls. A nice, healthy in between girl with curves is the best.

Well honestly I think I might've preferred to never hear back from her. I purposely didn't ask her out and I purposely didn't ask her if she felt the same way so that gave her an out to not say anything. After not seeing her for almost a month now, I can't even say I feel the same way. Maybe I would if I saw her, but right now I don't have the same obsessive crush I had 20 some days ago. I sound like I'm trying to sound not hurt, but I really am relieved. Anyone would laugh at the e-mail. It was a totally different "voice" from her own. She used words I know she doesn't use from previous e-mails and it was just WAY too formal. My main concern I think is that I scared her or weirded her out. She's a nice girl and I just wanted her to know I liked her.

Yeah, of course it sucks she didn't declare her love for me. haha. I wasn't really expecting her to because like I said, I got gay vibes from her but she seemed straight at the same time. It's also inappropriate for TAs and students to get together. I don't know if I'm even really ready to have a relationship with a girl, but yes, hopefully something legitimate comes around soon. Telling her was a pretty huge step in the right direction. Although.. now I think she's extremely weirded out by me. haha.

AHhahahahahahha...... The e-mail was pretty funny. I laughed for about 20 minutes. It sounded like she copy and pasted the section from the TA handbook about what to do when a student comes to you with a crush. lol. It was very diplomatic and even robotic sounding, like it wasn't even her voice. I won't lie. It always hurts to get rejected, but truthfully I didn't even ask her for a relationship. I didn't even ask her to have coffee. I said I had a crush on her and if I didn't tell her it was going to drive me crazy, which it would have. Now I'm free to move on and get the hell over this obsession. I think my favourite part was when she referred me to the LGTB club on campus. hehe. Thank god I waited until that class was over. lol. Can you imagine the awkwardness. I feel a slight sense of disappointment with an overwhelming feeling of relief. Hey, maybe I CAN ask a girl out now.