The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide

[Sev]

bump for this! its good to read, took my mind off it for a while and has good advice!

[SighSob]

Bump! Great thread.

[gary1958]

I wonder what happens when you throw a personality disorder into the mix. I have been No Contact for 14 months and the last 3 months she has made lame attempts to make contact. Now I have taken almost 2 years to get healthy again. I am comfortable in my own skin again. The confidence and self esteem is back. I have tried to reflect and learn my contribution to the demise of the relationship but honestly I don'e see much there. Could I have done more. Probably, but the problem was that nothing was ever enough and I was told that constantly. She has serious emotional issues and the relationship was very emotionally abusive. That being said, I believe everyone deserves a second chance providing the realize there issues and are willing to work on them. I told her in a letter immediately after the break up that I would support her 110% but this is her fight not mine. I would love to have been there emotionally more for her. But I cannot be a sponge that she sucks emotionally dry because she cannot fill her insides by herself. So I think sometimes one partner does play a much more significant role in the demise then they realize.

[Dani0613]

I think your subject to an entirely different set of 'rules' when a personality disorder is thrown into the mix. The person you're involved with (or were involved with) is not mentally sound and thereforee, has a very different perspecetive of things as they pertain to life and relationships altogether. It's difficult to rationalize with an irrational or illogical person and the only alternative, sadly, is to walk away and never turn back.

[pino]

I love this thread and MajorD's guide really makes a lot of sense.

 

Thank you.

 

Any advice from anyone here on my situation would be great too

 

My situation:

 

[1MoreChance]

I loved this post and the song lyrics, thanks.

 

It is all about befriending and loving yourself.

 

That's where love starts.

 

Love comes through you. if you cannot connect with it ands thinks it only comes TO you, you will become dependent on the other person and loose yourself.

[BONO]

You are welcome buddy !

[90_hour_sleep]

 

Anyway, the thing is because i can see all this now, is it wrong of me to write a letter to her? not asking her back at all, but simply saying I am sorry for the part i played in the break up, taking responsibility of my actions and i have learned from my mistakes so therefore improving myself, a better me.

 

She would see i am taking responsibility and making myself better.

 

How does this fit within NC

 

i've been thinking about this too. i think if it's honesty...it won't be received negatively. it may even help her to find her own understanding. i'd just be sure that your motivations are in the right place. i'd also try to prepare yourself for any contact that *may* come as a result of this. always pays to be prepared.

 

good luck with whatever you decide.

[Ekips]

My bf and I broke up about six weeks ago after 3 years of dating. We were very much in love. There have been changes in our relationship for the last year (I had a new job that kept me very busy and he is in grad school which keeps him busy.) After we broke up (he wanted to be single and felt smothered) and I wanted to respect his decision. I called him the day after and he didn't call me back until 5-6 days later. We spoke every weekend for a month. I implemented no contact after a month of breaking up (He never discussed getting back together) I am devastated. It does get better everyday. I truly believe our relationship can work out. I can't call him b/c he has to be the one that makes that call. I need to be the priority. I believe that the best way to move forward to a healthier relationship is if you become better emotionally and physically. Knowing this, I am still so hurt. I am doing this for me and finding the best way for a reconciliation. We have not seen each other since our breakup and have not spoken in almost two..... is it too soon to expect a response? Help!

[boy11]

I thought this thread is v useful. Applying it my situation is confusing. My ex and I were together for 2 yrs & lived together. I instigated the break-up but took 2 months to actually do it, by which time my ex wanted to break too so it turned out to be mutual.

 

She seemed way cooler than me about it and wanted to be friends, I did too but soon realized I wanted her back. We kept in touch for 4 months, with an equal balance of contacting each other. I asked for her back twice though, she said we need time apart & see what happens, she couldn’t make any promises & said I should move on. I started to find the friendship painful so I asked for 1 month NC which she was cool about. Once NC started I deleted her from facebook.

 

I called her after 6 weeks NC and she was angry about facebook, I apologized for not warning her beforehand but at the end of the conversation she told me (viciously) to never send her another friend request as she’ll ignore it. I was surprised because it was the 1st time she'd lost her cool since the break up. I e-mailed her the day after to say her comment was unnecessary and if she meant f*** you then fair enough I’ll leave her alone, I also wrote that its hard being friends with her as she puts up such a front (& makes frequent sarcastic digs at me) that I don’t recognize her anymore. That was 3 weeks ago and she never replied.

 

It’s been 7 months since we broke up now. Sounds like she feels like the injured party….I’ve written a letter apologizing for how I’ve behaved since the break-up (i.e. being friends just to try and win her back), and to say I hope we’ll be friends some day, and to wish her happiness whatever path her future takes. I feel bad because everything was on good terms and we are both nice people, but our last conversation & my e-mail response was quite nasty and I feel like clearing the air.

 

Not sure whether to send it or not though, trouble is I’m still healing & not ready to be friends. I’ll see her in 5 months at a mutual friends event. Will I do more damage by sending it, or by leaving her alone (I’ve no idea whether she hates me or not now)?

[stabilo]

There is a post in this thread about something called the "Feed The Birdie" theory. Does anyone know what this is, or how to find any articles on it? Google ain't helping!

 

Boy11 - its been 7 months, she ain't going anywhere and so there is no immediate rush or requirement for you to panic. A letter I sent my ex 2 months ago has recently come back to bite me in the * * * * , but I didn't just dwell on apologies so whatever you do, if you send your letter, keep it short. If your letter is simply to apologise, and you can simply let her go and NOT wait for her to come back into your life, then it could be a good idea to do it. If you send it, hoping for a good response, it might be better to consider it. But at the same time, she is angry and it might be very wise to leave her be for the time being...

 

If anyone can find something on this feeding the bird malarky, that would be great...

[majord23]

If anyone can find something on this feeding the bird malarky, that would be great...

 

 

[boy11]

Cheers for the advice Stabilo. I posted the question on another site and 7 replies said don't send the letter...but I don't see any harm. I caused her the pain, she's just too proud to show it. I want to send it because I'd like to be friends with her one day.

 

Well, the letter was 8 pages. I've cut it down to 3 but can't fit what I want to say into any less! What did you say in the letter to your ex by the way? (that caused it to bite you in the a***)

[bexcelant]

 

A Bird??? I thought this was about Squirrels and Nuts!

[baxxter]

This is the greatest thread. I was so happy to have found this right after I got dumped. I did stick to the advise as much as I could and felt better for a while....

 

It has been almost 3 weeks since he finished with me over "suspected" infidelity, and now I REALLY, really miss him and keep wanting to call him.

 

When he ended it I initially said it's just a misunderstanding, why would I cheat on him, I love him. I think did beg him to reconsider.

 

And after I couldn't get over it, so wrote him a nice letter explaining that I never cheated. That was 2 weeks ago.

 

He never replied, and I should really move on, but my feeling of missing him is simply growing, out of control.

 

I thought it only gets better, why it is hurting more and more now?

 

Someone please give me strength...

 

I want him back, but I also just want to feel OK. Any advice....?

[squirl]

Bumping this helpful thread.

[1guygirl]

Bumping this helpful thread.

 

yeah nice 1...think youve jus been someones hero other than major that is

[lilyofthemount]

wow i appreciate this so much.. i just did what you describe in your email. i just broke off with my ex.. almost a m0nth and then after few days of breaking up i emailed him saying if we can go back and starch from the scratch .. i am willing to go back and kearn and grow from our mistakes. I love him and dont want to lose him and even sugest we start as we did before.. no string attached and go from ther. I waited for a week to his reply and answer..NONE. Then i sent the ultimatum. Goodbye letter. I told him i take his silence as a total closure for us and i am letting him go intirely...I told him i understand he want me totally out of his life and I repect that and wish him good luck..he replied immediately with.. "thank you for understanding i realised i am not ready for the commitment altho i yearned so much for intimacy..i dont blame you..it just we are in wrong timng..then go on and said something.. i see lots of changes happenning and i am learning more about myself about relationship. commitment ..balance..and rebound..i see things changing but not the way you think or forcast.------------- is not a part of this and there is nothing between us..

***********

the point i am trying to figure is.. is he done with me completely.. is there no second chance of us...please advice... its been a week now since our email excahnge and i havent talke or contact hi in anyway..right now i am not sure of my feelings toward him.. i want him back for sure but i am not sure of what level i want him in. please advise

[T5521]

Great Post!

 

This has truly just changed my mindset some. I have been broken up with my ex now for close to 6 weeks. There was really no contact for the first 3 weeks besides one desperation call a few days after the breakup...which of course after the fact I regretted. Since then it has been very LC always initiated by her asking if I was going to a concert later in the Summer and if I wanted to be part of a relay team for a run and other small talk. Of course it has been nice to hear from her but the more I think it she is probably trying to put me in the "friend zone".

 

Anyway, sorry to ramble about that but my question is if I should just meet with her someday soon and just ask for honest answers. I think knowing the truth will truly help me to move on, even if it does really hurt at the time. Also, I think this will make her realize that I will truly be gone and see if it has any effects. But again the main goal is to heal and put her out of my life.

 

Sorry to put questions in on this great post, but any recommendations would greatly be appreciated!

[amipushy]

Bumping this thread- Good advice

[beautifulangel]

Hi LostAngel,

 

More or less same story as mine... My beautifulangel left me for another man without giving me enough reasons and it was only during our last converstaion that she told me that she was with 'someone' and the 'spark' had lost between the two of us. While i kept wondering as to when did 'the spark' go? She didn't bother to talk to me neither did she express her concerns over our relationship. I think she just got carried out by the attention this new man started giving her, who was there as and when she wanted to be around him, as she was working and I was not. Besides her working hours were not normal and neither did they have a fixed time for me to be there after her work hours as I live atleast an hour's distance away from where she worked and stayed (two different places). Though her changed behaviour did alert me that something was coming. She first started with I am not meant for relationships, I want to do my things, travel, do girlie stuff etc and we will be friends, we will work together in future etc... I wasn't convinced with her reasons, so i kept wanting to meet her which she agreed to but never did. I had accepted her decision of moving on, but she probably was takn over by guilt so much that she never had the guts/courage to face me and see in my eyes directly. She knows I loved her genuinely and was there for her and would possibly be there for her for the rest fo our lives. Yet she decided to go to another guy, confirming my fears. Probably she couldn't resist the attention she was getting and slipped.

 

Though inspite of this I wish her happiness and good luck while I am healing myself, working on myself. Last but not the least, let me share one thing with you. When together, I always used to tell her that "babes I always want you to be happy. With me or without me" and when i said that to her I always knew that it apllied to me as well so buddy be happy. With him or without him. HIS LOSS, and HER LOSS. We are the gems... look I am shining

[faithful14]

I needed this today.

 

Bump!

[hello678]

Fantastic thread mate. 1000 thankyous.

 

I was having severe problem and falling into the pathetic 'begging' stage. I won't be doing this anymore. This really motivated me and when I feel down i'll read it. Thakyou.

[Nikki11]

Great post, it always hurts at first but NC is really necessary after a while to maintain your sense of well being, and heal. It's really for you. What comes will come, and if the "ex" doesn't, he or she did not care about you enough to want a second chance at a relationship....just leave it alone. They know where to find you.

[Chuck Bartowsk]

This thread is to valuable to not bump it. I came to this site to figure out how to reconcile with my ex. What I was not expecting was reconciliation with me! Thanks for this thread MajorD! I know I have a ways to go but I am getting there. I still miss her and love her but I think I need to love me first and foremost. That's what I learned here today...An Unknown Victory!