The Break-up and Reconciliation Guide

[sara1]

Very true. Funny how we can learn about human relationships from the actions of wild animals.

[AngryHeart]

BUMPing this thread for those of us that may not have seen it.

This man is brilliant!!! I am also one who says 'well maybe my situation is different'... well it's not! I don't like games either but this isn't so much a game as a guide to what really works and has a happy ending anyway it ends up. Much easier said than done but this is just some amazing advice.

I love love the feed the birdie theory also, that's my current plan of action!!!

 

Yup. That feed the bird theroy is TRUE, don't care what anyone argues. Doesn't mean they'll want you abck of course, but humans really are that way.

[SamT]

I cant believe this.. it has all the answers ive been looking for and all the situations ive been in and needed advice...

 

i wish you guys could make this one of those 'sticky' threads.

 

Thanks a LOT!

[Volkslad]

I love love the feed the birdie theory also

 

What is this theory?

[HeartBreKid]

you guys are great ive read lot of this topic since i just got out of a fresh break-up ive made the mis-take of begging and pledding like an idiot lowering myself...i called her the day before today thats the last time i do that im going NC and i wanted to thank all of you guys for these post and taking the time to help others going throw this crap...i just think its sad a female would not think of what she is loseing by breaking up with a good man does she not think of "WHAT IF" thiers so many things guys do just to get in the pants of a women. they take advantage of emotions, situations, ect. women dont stop and think HEY LET ME TRY TO WORK IT OUT WITH HIM they drop you faster then a ton of bricks with weights on them (haha) anyways the point in trying to make they dont stop and think i could get REALLY hurt next time or even used or maybe abused ( phyiscally,mentally,sexually,finationally ect.) they dont see a goos thing if it hit them in the face and said here...... ive got to get my self-together progress in my life and forget that this happened for the sake of my own future.... the thing is she is baring my son at 6 months...me and her wanted to start a family but i fear she used me to get a child.. my question now is if she really wanted to start a family is she just toying with me because of the emotions of being pregant or maybe the fears of starting a family so young?(shes 19) or is it because ive been un-employed for about 4 months now she feels i wont be-able to help support her and the baby? this is way this is more hard more me then a normal break up cause i will be visiting and taking care of my son and in doing so ill be seeing her countless times and having my son living without a true family... now im asking what are the chances of being together for the baby? and if this might just me a deep emotional feeling for her and shes going through alot of stuff?

 

no matter what its gonna tear me apart knowing i cant start a family and i have to see my son on occasions instead of being in his life 100%(rather both of us being thier as mother and father in a healthy home and such)

 

i know i have alot of questions but heres 1 more... what should i do in this situation LC or NC? and what can i do to try and get her back( knowing the fact that you cant controll feelings or have a person to un-willingly love you or want to be with you... but i feel my situation MIGHT be different because she is pregnate but perhaps not) haha kinda funny i sighned up to tell you guys i liked your advise and all and i ended up telling you my problems haha well anyways i hope you guys could help me out... thank you!

[redsquare]

Major D,

Guess what ?? I bumped into my ex the other night while out and about in town. I was at a concert at a very popular lounge bar type place in town and I saw him with a group of people

 

 

So I freaked, I was with my sister and her boyfriend and a group of people and I started telling them everything about him.

 

I then decided to go up to him and say hello , eventhough he deleted me off his facebook account and he saw me and got a huge smile on his face.

 

We ended up talking for like 30 minutes and he said he had to go and i had to go. I then saw him about 20 minutes later at another club down the street and I went up to him and basically punched him in the arm. He said hi, smiled and started dancing with me.

 

He said he had to say no to friends, as part of his *game*

 

I asked him if he was alone,

 

he said his friends were trying to set him up with another girl but he was not interested.

 

then he gave me a huge hug forever it was so nice....

 

 

and we said goodbye.

 

 

forget the face that asked him to come to place and drink wine and play backgammon he did not reply.

[redsquare]

I miss talking on gettting back together forum major d, you are the nicest person, so kind.

 

big hugs to you. x

[zhuge]

major you said:

 

"Goal: The goal of this post primarily focuses on two things:

To maintain the dumpee’s self-respect and dignity

To avoid being pitied by the dumper"

 

While I didn't beg and plead for her to come back I did ask for a second chance several times. Also, I'm not sure if she pities me. She did say, "I'm so sorry and I knows it hurts." Both things I said to her when I broke up with her first.

 

But the thing that's confusing me is I never told her that I respect her decision and I never acted like I was ok with it. I wasn't out of control or acting crazy it was just obvious that being apart was not what I wanted.

 

We've been in NC for two weeks now. I guess it's too late to tell her I'm ok with her decision?

 

Or what? Please let me know. I don't want her thinking of me with pity or anything like that.

 

Please share any suggestions.

 

If you'd like to read my story it's here.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I think a lot of it is echoed in this thread already, and I am using link removed as a guide in working on a reconciliation. For me right now, the toughest thing is keeping things at LC. Since my ex and I have started talking again, I have this urge to talk to her every day, to send her texts and pictures, to really be a big part of her life again. I think that would be counter-productive at this point. I am leaving the ball in her court. She has yet to go more than 5 days without contacting me, so I have little fear that will stop. Today is day 3 (she called me Wednesday) so I expect to hear from her in some form (text, picture, e-mail or phone) by Monday.

[soulalone]

I have a question?

 

I am a recent dumpee. I am applying the NC Rule. It's sounds very promising. What if most of your friends are mutual friends? Do I have to make new friends so that I can be okay?

[arcadefire]

You bring up some very good points, but what about from the perspective of the dumper? The one who realized that the relationship has turned more one sided and the other party started taking them for granted? I am in that situation right now, and I still love my ex although I know that he does not love me. I sometimes wish to have him back but in some ways I feel like he should be the one to ask me back. I have a thread (see profile) if you are feeling charitable in my situation.

 

By the way, very deserving of a sticky.

[thejigsup]

I have been your bf a couple of times musicdee, in that I was dumped because I had lost feelings for my partner. It never works to reconcile. I only went back out of pity, and that emotion has a very short shelf life. Please try to move on, for both of your sakes. When he has a chance to think about things, he may come back if his feelings do. But you are right, he has to ask you.

[arcadefire]

Thanks, thejigsup. I am moving on, mostly because of websites and forums such as these! And a few great girlfriends. It's just sad to know that my ex never had that feeling of love for me like I did for him. I have maintained NC strictly after breaking up mostly to spare myself of rejection. I doubt he will ever grow feelings for me in the future since I completely cut him out of my life, and I guess no good would come to even have an inkling of hope for that one. I really don't have any bets on him asking for me back. Oh well. C'est la vie.

[Optimus]

I have been going strict NC now. Basically, before discovering this forum I know "tricks" how to get ex back to me due to my experience of human pschyology. We usually break up because of her mum who hates me for looking like a player and without any other reasons. Typical Asian mum. I am always good at attracting girls anyway, so when we broke up, we were okay and promised to stay friends. But, at that time, I became sad because my dog passed away and I broke friendship with close friend. So, I got lonely and realized how I miss her. anyway, within 3 weeks of us breaking up she got new bf who she thinks her mum will like and she told me things that "You are always an alpha male". I gave her NC, and she been giving me mixed messages and stuff, even turning up at my workplace to give me my birthday present.

 

I even tried to make her jealous by telling her subtly that I am seeing new girl and to my amazement, she told me that she was happy for me.

 

I asked from many advices. Be it, my nice friends and friends who are good with women. They told me to call her and tell her how I felt. So, I called and I got emotional and she cried. But, no apoligies exchanged. I didn't beg her. Basically, just saying how I felt sorry for her to give me up to appease her mum and continue to ask for people's approval to be happy. She cried and refused my "Advices". So, I told her that I respect her decision and told her to go NC indefinitely. she cried more because she said that I promised to be her friends and she would continue to care about me and love me as a person. i told her that I can't become friends. Thus, I hung up in amidst of her crying.

 

I have been going NC now and still miss her but getting better. She is still young, only 22.

 

What do you guys the theory on this one?

[deang]

bump so that people understand that NC isn't a game to get the ex back...it's a nice sometimes occurring side-effect. It's for you.

[rohded]

I have a question?

 

I am a recent dumpee. I am applying the NC Rule. It's sounds very promising. What if most of your friends are mutual friends? Do I have to make new friends so that I can be okay?

 

I had the same problem when going NC. Don't worry about it you don't have to make new friends (although new friends are always nice to have). Just hang out with your friends, don't call her or respond to her calls. If you end up hanging out by mistake, just play it cool. Try to keep yourself busy with hobbies and work, MAKE YOURSELF LESS AVAILABLE. Either in time you will heal and get over the relationship, or she might come to the realization that she still has feelings for you and might start exploring a new relationship with you. Either way, use NC to make yourself better!

[qwerty1984]

..........

[foleno]

hey great stuff every one. You have my support

[lazee]

Well,

 

Without knowing what I was doing, I went into NC as soon as I found out my ex (who technically dumped me, but I said the words) was seen flirting with another girl the day after we broke up despite him telling me he wanted to be friends. I was hurt and I wanted to protect myself. I managed it, then he messaged me 10 days later, it was a silly message, joking, I had nothing to say to him, so I ignored him for another 12. I finally came round and messaged him, nothing to do with our relationship, just an email saying all the best of luck in the future and other advice. He didn't reply, so having spent almost a whole day composing the email, I messaged him to read it. He replied not long after. Then there was silence, I wrote a reply to his message, and he did not reply. Then I left that too, a few days later, he was celebrating his birthday and I just wished him happy birthday and he replied. I know I should have left it at this, but curiosity got me, I replied once again and we talked a bit, me opening up a lot more about my life than he was. I was starting to sense that this guy was no longer into the friendship, so here I am, as of yesterday after waiting 10 days for no reply, I have begun NC. I actually begun it before reading this topic. I wish I had just continued NC, and as you wrote, if they want to hear from you, they know where to find you.

 

I think it's an ego thing, or he's found someone else. If he has found someone else, the anger from that is like petrol to my 'I'm so over my ex machine'...

 

I'm too nosey, that's my problem!

 

Btw, I know nothing has happened to him so he is intentionally ignoring my messages.

[saorcha]

Hi Majord23 (great name by the way!)

 

I have litterally just joined this forum a few minutes ago. My name is Saorcha. I have read your thread on breaking up and reconciliation, and judging from the things I am "Not" meant to be doing, I am currently doing them all unfortunately!

 

I am going through a breakup with my partner of 8 years, we have two children. Its all still very raw, just about 3 weeks into it now or thereabouts. We had just bought our dream house after renting for 8 years and finally had stability for all of us. We have moved 8 times renting in just 8 years, and in that timeframe, we actually moved 5 times in just under 2 years, which is so disruptive for us all. Then the crunch came when I got dumped by him, he told me and the kids that we had to move out and rent that he couldnt afford to financially have us in the new house that we were only there for a mere 8 weeks and that he would have to lease it out to tenants in order to keep it. So me and the kids had to find a place to rent which meant that we moved twice in 8 weeks. Our son has palpitations and irregular heartbeat and its all caused by stress, as we argued constantly, and in the end the arguing was on a daily basis about everything and anything, saying really nasty things to each other. Then one day I just said its over I hate you, I no longer fancy you and a lot of other really nasty things. He cried continuously for hours and I showed absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Then two days later I had a change of heart and asked him if he wanted to give the relationship another go, and that is when I was "dumped", and ever since then I have been crying, not eating, not sleeping, begging him for forgiveness, pleading with him to take me back, and basically yes you have guessed it, "totally and utterly degrading myself" I even asked him to give it a year and then see what happens, which he very reluctantly agreed to, but I know deep down he just did it to fob me off. I have to see him at the weekends, he collects the kids sat morning and brings them back sun afternoon. he rings them to say gud nite, etc. so theres no real way of me distancing myself from him properly. I even rang him today and asked him would he be with anyone else within the year and he said no because that would just add more complications. Then in the next breath he told me to go ahead and live my life and if someone comes along that I like I should be with him. I was utterly appalled and am speechless. I would really do with some advice please.

 

Many thanks,

 

Saorcha.

 

[saorcha]

Re your thread/Att Majord23

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hi Majord23 (great name by the way!)

 

I have litterally just joined this forum a few minutes ago. My name is Saorcha. I have read your thread on breaking up and reconciliation, and judging from the things I am "Not" meant to be doing, I am currently doing them all unfortunately!

 

I am going through a breakup with my partner of 8 years, we have two children. Its all still very raw, just about 3 weeks into it now or thereabouts. We had just bought our dream house after renting for 8 years and finally had stability for all of us. We have moved 8 times renting in just 8 years, and in that timeframe, we actually moved 5 times in just under 2 years, which is so disruptive for us all. Then the crunch came when I got dumped by him, he told me and the kids that we had to move out and rent that he couldnt afford to financially have us in the new house that we were only there for a mere 8 weeks and that he would have to lease it out to tenants in order to keep it. So me and the kids had to find a place to rent which meant that we moved twice in 8 weeks. Our son has palpitations and irregular heartbeat and its all caused by stress, as we argued constantly, and in the end the arguing was on a daily basis about everything and anything, saying really nasty things to each other. Then one day I just said its over I hate you, I no longer fancy you and a lot of other really nasty things. He cried continuously for hours and I showed absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Then two days later I had a change of heart and asked him if he wanted to give the relationship another go, and that is when I was "dumped", and ever since then I have been crying, not eating, not sleeping, begging him for forgiveness, pleading with him to take me back, and basically yes you have guessed it, "totally and utterly degrading myself" I even asked him to give it a year and then see what happens, which he very reluctantly agreed to, but I know deep down he just did it to fob me off. I have to see him at the weekends, he collects the kids sat morning and brings them back sun afternoon. he rings them to say gud nite, etc. so theres no real way of me distancing myself from him properly. I even rang him today and asked him would he be with anyone else within the year and he said no because that would just add more complications. Then in the next breath he told me to go ahead and live my life and if someone comes along that I like I should be with him. I was utterly appalled and am speechless. I would really do with some advice please.

 

Many thanks,

 

Saorcha.

[saorcha]

Re your thread/Att Majord23

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hi Majord23 (great name by the way!)

 

I have litterally just joined this forum a few minutes ago. My name is Saorcha. I have read your thread on breaking up and reconciliation, and judging from the things I am "Not" meant to be doing, I am currently doing them all unfortunately!

 

I am going through a breakup with my partner of 8 years, we have two children. Its all still very raw, just about 3 weeks into it now or thereabouts. We had just bought our dream house after renting for 8 years and finally had stability for all of us. We have moved 8 times renting in just 8 years, and in that timeframe, we actually moved 5 times in just under 2 years, which is so disruptive for us all. Then the crunch came when I got dumped by him, he told me and the kids that we had to move out and rent that he couldnt afford to financially have us in the new house that we were only there for a mere 8 weeks and that he would have to lease it out to tenants in order to keep it. So me and the kids had to find a place to rent which meant that we moved twice in 8 weeks. Our son has palpitations and irregular heartbeat and its all caused by stress, as we argued constantly, and in the end the arguing was on a daily basis about everything and anything, saying really nasty things to each other. Then one day I just said its over I hate you, I no longer fancy you and a lot of other really nasty things. He cried continuously for hours and I showed absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Then two days later I had a change of heart and asked him if he wanted to give the relationship another go, and that is when I was "dumped", and ever since then I have been crying, not eating, not sleeping, begging him for forgiveness, pleading with him to take me back, and basically yes you have guessed it, "totally and utterly degrading myself" I even asked him to give it a year and then see what happens, which he very reluctantly agreed to, but I know deep down he just did it to fob me off. I have to see him at the weekends, he collects the kids sat morning and brings them back sun afternoon. he rings them to say gud nite, etc. so theres no real way of me distancing myself from him properly. I even rang him today and asked him would he be with anyone else within the year and he said no because that would just add more complications. Then in the next breath he told me to go ahead and live my life and if someone comes along that I like I should be with him. I was utterly appalled and am speechless. I would really do with some advice please.

 

Many thanks,

 

Saorcha.

[saorcha]

Re your thread/Att Majord23

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hi Majord23 (great name by the way!)

 

I have litterally just joined this forum a few minutes ago. My name is Saorcha. I have read your thread on breaking up and reconciliation, and judging from the things I am "Not" meant to be doing, I am currently doing them all unfortunately!

 

I am going through a breakup with my partner of 8 years, we have two children. Its all still very raw, just about 3 weeks into it now or thereabouts. We had just bought our dream house after renting for 8 years and finally had stability for all of us. We have moved 8 times renting in just 8 years, and in that timeframe, we actually moved 5 times in just under 2 years, which is so disruptive for us all. Then the crunch came when I got dumped by him, he told me and the kids that we had to move out and rent that he couldnt afford to financially have us in the new house that we were only there for a mere 8 weeks and that he would have to lease it out to tenants in order to keep it. So me and the kids had to find a place to rent which meant that we moved twice in 8 weeks. Our son has palpitations and irregular heartbeat and its all caused by stress, as we argued constantly, and in the end the arguing was on a daily basis about everything and anything, saying really nasty things to each other. Then one day I just said its over I hate you, I no longer fancy you and a lot of other really nasty things. He cried continuously for hours and I showed absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Then two days later I had a change of heart and asked him if he wanted to give the relationship another go, and that is when I was "dumped", and ever since then I have been crying, not eating, not sleeping, begging him for forgiveness, pleading with him to take me back, and basically yes you have guessed it, "totally and utterly degrading myself" I even asked him to give it a year and then see what happens, which he very reluctantly agreed to, but I know deep down he just did it to fob me off. I have to see him at the weekends, he collects the kids sat morning and brings them back sun afternoon. he rings them to say gud nite, etc. so theres no real way of me distancing myself from him properly. I even rang him today and asked him would he be with anyone else within the year and he said no because that would just add more complications. Then in the next breath he told me to go ahead and live my life and if someone comes along that I like I should be with him. I was utterly appalled and am speechless. I would really do with some advice please.

 

Many thanks,

 

Saorcha.

[mrblond]

now me lady split with me after two years, now two months down the lane, there has been little contact, she has contacted me a few times, call, email/txt saying hello how are you etc and i do a polite reply if needed with a positive reply or if no reply needed then i dont reply.

 

I see the idea of NC and ok in reality you never know whether that person will ever get back with you or not or in time whether you would want too, if it ever happens it has to be a fresh start and that person sees a better you and what ever ended the relationship before has been sorted out.

 

Thats my question, after doing alot of reflecting etc, i know that the main reason for my ex splitting with me was due to me not dealing with an issue that came into our relationship and as time went on, our closeness etc faded and even though she loved me, she couldnt continue with the situation and looking back, yes she was right to end our relationship.

 

Anyway, the thing is because i can see all this now, is it wrong of me to write a letter to her? not asking her back at all, but simply saying I am sorry for the part i played in the break up, taking responsibility of my actions and i have learned from my mistakes so thereforee improving myself, a better me.

 

She would see i am taking responsibility and making myself better.

 

How does this fit within NC

[jamesisbell]

Best point I got on saving the relationship is that it should be done the earliest possible time. Please do try reading on link removed for more short but effective ideas. I’ve learned a lot from there. Some relationships really deserve a second chance. Everyone deserves to be happy.