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EyesOnThePrize

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  1. EyesOnThePrize
    I think a lot of it is echoed in this thread already, and I am using link removed as a guide in working on a reconciliation. For me right now, the toughest thing is keeping things at LC. Since my ex and I have started talking again, I have this urge to talk to her every day, to send her texts and pictures, to really be a big part of her life again. I think that would be counter-productive at this point. I am leaving the ball in her court. She has yet to go more than 5 days without contacting me, so I have little fear that will stop. Today is day 3 (she called me Wednesday) so I expect to hear from her in some form (text, picture, e-mail or phone) by Monday.
  2. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 27 - In the immortal words of Kramer..."I'm out." There's a long thread about it, and I decided to contact my ex today. Yesterday I said it wouldn't be a problem to make it to 30 days...that's before she called in tears. I have no regrets about my decision and, frankly, I think NC was having its desired effect. The convo went very well, and I realized that I'm a heck of a lot more healed than I thought. I'm at peace with myself and with her. I'm going back to NC/LC, and I'm not going to count days. I don't see that it would serve any purpose for me now. Best of luck to all!
  3. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 26 - I'm not going to have an issue getting to 30 days...I'm in real flux as to what to do at that point. There's a lot going through my head now. Today was the day the pet transport service came to pick up the cat I'm sending to my ex. It was tough. I love that cat, but I love my ex more, and I did agree she could have the cat. I hope I'll see it again and the possibility exists that I won't. That would suck. And I remind myself that my ex isn't seeing the other 4 cats or the dog, and I'm sure that sucks for her. My ex's sister called me today and we talked for over an hour. I got a bunch of background on my ex that I really didn't know, and that confirms and amplifies some things. I said to her "Well, I think the ex has more than just depression. I think she has a disorder." She says "You mean borderline personality disorder?" It turns out my ex's sister has a degree in psychology and is also very sure my ex has BPD. And she's known her a lot longer than I have. She is also sure that slimeball is a temporary thing. The funniest line was me saying something like "I don't think slimeball has really seen the crazy yet." And she says "And I think when he does, you'll hear the skidmarks!" Her sister is a good person and I probably would have been closer with her if my ex wasn't so anti-everything to do with family. It was a good talk, though. She's having a baby tomorrow who would have been my nephew. Well, I still wish her well. I saw Iron Man this evening...it lived up to the hype, as far as I was concerned. It will be on my buying list when it hits Blu-Ray. I got a terrible seat because I was talking to my ex's sister and got to the theater late (in the middle of the previews) and that's okay...the phone call was worth it and the movie still kicked butt. Tonight, I'll watch dumb TV shows on Fox and then crash early...I need some sleep!
  4. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 25 - The 30 days are almost up. Although, as I keep saying, I'm not sure what I'm going to do when they are up. Today was busy, I was out playing boardgames with some friends most of the morning and afternoon, I really didn't think about her much during them, although we talked about her a bit afterwards. One of the guys laughed when I said she already said the weather was "interesting." His reaction was "And the heat and humidity haven't even gotten there yet." Yeah well, its what she said she wanted, so whatever. I agreed to give her one of our cats (my cats?) and the service coming to pick her up is coming tomorrow. I thought they were coming Monday, so its one day shorter with her. I guess the end was coming anyway, so I guess I say goodbye one day sooner and then life will go on. I love this cat, its the one that slept with us on the bed almost from the day we got her almost 9 years ago. I know she my ex's favorite cat, too. I'll really miss her, and I know my ex misses her a lot, and I love my ex more than I love the cat, so I have no regrets about this, even though is still very sad. Some have said it will remind her of "home" more. I don't know. I hope so. I feel like sending a note with the cat saying "The other cats and the dog miss you and want us both to come back home", however at this point I think that would be a good move. I want to make a live journal post regarding her leaving, and I don't know if I could do it without saying "Now, 2 of the three females I love most are in Texas", and I don't think now is the time to say it. In fact, I don't see how I can make any post that wouldn't really end up with me really expressing feelings towards my ex, and I don't want to do that yet. Nonchalance is my ally, or so I've heard. I think my ex will know that it shows a lot of character to do this and that it is an act of unconditional love. I'm leaving in a minute to have a belated birthday celebration with nickbroken, that will hopefully be fun, and get my mind off things. I did hit the gym earlier tonight, that makes 3 times this week, the first time I've made 3 times in a week in several months. Its nice to be getting back into this routine. The endorphin rush is always good.
  5. EyesOnThePrize
    One of Al Turtle's signs is "You will never get love by chasing a lizard." IMO, your line says much of the same, and is much more poetic.
  6. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 24 - A week to go. Maybe...who knows...I'm of very mixed feelings today. I'm tired today and when I get tired, I get depressed, and I was depressed earlier tonight. Just thinking about what a loser her new bf is, and how bad things got with me so that he looked like a good alternative. I'll feel better after a good night's sleep. Ate way too much food tonight, which means extra time at the gym tomorrow. Actually, tomorrow will be busy. Getting together with friends in the AM, going to work for a few hours after that, I'll hit the gym for a couple of hours, then a belated birthday celebration with nickbroken. I was really down earlier, decided not to go the alcohol route, instead watched some really dumb stuff on the DVR that has seriously cheered me up. I'll be fine. But damn, I really miss her. I'm so totally of two minds of what to do after the 30 days. If she wasn't seeing slimeball, it would be easy. With him there, I'll probably stay in NC more. Or, since she keeps feeling the need to contact me, I'll switch to LC by at least acknowledging some of her communication. I keep thinking "If things are so wonderful with him, why does she contact me every other day?" And I know the answer. But, that was her choice, and she has to deal with the consequences.
  7. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 23 - 1 week to go, unless I decide to go longer. I really don't know. Once again, the ex reached out to me today, and this was the first time it had zero to do with me. She sent me a picture that made me laugh. It was something that related to an inside joke we have. There are a couple of other people who would probably get the joke, too. She might have sent it to more than just me, and frankly if I cared enough I would check the cell phone records (our phones are still linked) and see to whom else it went. And that doesn't really matter. I think the fact that she sent it to me period is evidence that she still is thinking of me and that's nice in and of itself. She may be frustrated by my lack of response. Heck, I'm frustrated by my lack of response. I really had to resist responding because the picture was funny, and because its an inside joke. I miss her, and its good to know she misses me. Other than that, it was a busy day. I was at a client all morning, then had an appointment with my therapist. We even talked about ENA a bit. I'm starting to talk to him about some of the anger I have, especially that towards my mother. I also got into some of my self-worth issues and how they took a beating during the divorce and how I'm working on building them back up again. I finally got back to the office late, and spent most of the rest of the work day talking to Nick on yahoo. It was not productive. Then it was off to the gym, which is good because I had fallen out of that routine, and then home to relax. I'm going to make it an early night, maybe soak in a bath for a bit, do some more reading on BPD, have my nightly "talk with the ex" (I'll thank her for the picture then) and get some rest. After the gym, I should sleep very soundly. Onwards and upwards!
  8. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 22 - I'm getting there. Today the ex calls me and e-mails me. I actually sent her back a very terse response because I believed if I didn't, the text messages would be next. And since she was partially contacting me about "business" (our taxes and the cat getting sent to her), I think I had to give her some feedback. I don't consider it breaking NC. In fact, for the first time, I didn't sign an e-mail "Love, Eyes." I just signed it "Eyes." It has nothing to do with me not loving her, I'm hoping maybe she'll get the hint that when I told her I wouldn't be in touch for a while, it meant she shouldn't be in touch with me, either. She e-mailed me Saturday, I got a package from her Monday, and today was the voice mail and the e-mail. I believe she's leaving me voice mails because she wants to talk to me (twice during the voice mail she said she wanted to know how I was doing) and she can live without knowing that for another 8 days...or more, depending on when I feel like I want to initiate contact. From another standpoint, each day I don't have contact is another day she gets to see slimeball for who he really is. In her eyes, that could be good or bad, and either way hopefully it lets her get closer to sorting out her mind. Plus, from her voice mail, I suspect she's not loving Texas as much as she thought. But enough about her. I flirted with my physical therapist a bit. During the appointments we spend a lot of time talking about our past relationships and then the work we are doing on ourselves. Ironically, her latest ex (Lit would like him, he's a commitmentphobe) has the same name as my ex's bf. She was talking about how she has a profile on link removed. She thinks I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I told her if I was healed enough, I'd probably be checking out her profile. Which I would, because she's intelligent, funny and kinda cute. Very short, though. I was amazingly unproductive at work, which is typical of me after tax season. I really think I have to step it up. I scheduled another phone consult with Al Turtle for next week. I'm looking forward to it. I'm full o'questions. I was supposed to go out with nickbroken for his birthday tonight, but he got sick, so we're rescheduling. I did get him a card and a present, though. So, its a relaxing night. I'm watching American Idol now, I'll go upstairs after its over, have my nightly "talk with the ex", do some reading and crash. All in all, not a bad day.
  9. EyesOnThePrize
    Get to day 7. Here's something I heard when I was early in recovery. A woman said that someone told her in a meeting. "All you have to do is not gamble today." And she thought "Heck, I can do anything for 24 hours." And she just reminded herself of that every morning. Hearing that story was great for my recovery. I think it applies here, too. All you have to do is not call her today. If you tell yourself that every morning, it might be easier for you. Just a thought.
  10. EyesOnThePrize
    I lost mine for a while. I went last night and felt great, as I should have known I would. The endorphins and everything are wonderful for me. Plus, I had only put back 6 lbs of tax season/divorce stress! Hey, given that I lost over 75 lbs over the last 8 months, I can knock these 6 back off in a week or two.
  11. EyesOnThePrize
    I keep meaning to ask...why did you pick 45 days?
  12. EyesOnThePrize
    For the first few days, every time the phone rang or a text came in, I hoped it was from her, even though I wasn't going to take the call or respond. Just to know I was on her mind. Now, it would shock me. I think she's respecting my wish for NC to the best of her ability, and I'm sure she has things going on in her life, so it really doesn't bother me. As I was typing this, a call came in from the fraud prevention unit for one of her credit cards. I took the call, thinking I'd get a live person so I could give them her cell number so they could contact her directly. It was an automated line, and it was going to ask me to verify some charges. I hung up before I heard what any of them are. Its really none of my business, and if they call again, I'll see if they have a contact number I can use to pass along her new information. If not, I hope she gave them alternate contact information, because I won't break NC just to let her know they called.
  13. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 21 - 21 freaking days without seeing her, without talking to her. I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far. I got my butt back to the gym today after about a 2 month layoff, which was as much do to a shoulder injury and tax season as it was to the divorce. It felt good, and I'm going to take a nice bath as soon as American Idol is over. Well, I guess a few minutes later, since its ending now. Overall a good day. I missed her, like always, and reserved the day to work on myself. That's more important to me right now. She knows I love her, she'll reach out to me if I want to. Still frustrated in my attempts to act out this other woman. I'm having trouble getting in touch and may resort to asking her out via e-mail. That's classy. I had some drama with the ex-employee I fired yesterday. She took some swipes at me that I think were unfair. This woman makes my ex look stable. She is a mess of problems, and won't take responsibility for them. She had some valid points, IMO, but mostly she was going the "poor me" route.
  14. EyesOnThePrize
  15. EyesOnThePrize
    I've decided to pass. I'm going on a little 2 day trip next week, and finances wise, doing both trips doesn't make sense. I may catch the races in Detroit later. I don't think Detroit compares to SD, but what the hey.
  16. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 20 - Wow...2/3 of the way through. In some ways it seems to have flown by, in some ways its crawled. I know that my growth, I know that her relationship with the new bf falling apart, I know that me finding a new relationship, I know that me being totally healed will all take months...in that regard 20 days seems an eternity. On the other hand, its hard to believe I haven't seen or talked to her in almost 3 weeks. Overall, a good day. It was nice to get the tax return (even though we owe a bunch of money) so I can get that filed, and her note with it was very nice, too. I also realized that the note was written several days before the e-mail she sent me over the weekend. The e-mail pretty much recapped the note, more indication that she misses me. However, she can miss me all she wants. As long as she's with him, I'm not interested and I'm not interfering. I fired an employee today. She's a nice lady and she's been a friend to me during my divorce, and she makes my ex look like the most confident woman in the world. This woman used to hold a political office, and now she can barely make it through the day. I wish we could have found a way for her to work out, and right now she is costing the firm money, and that impacts more than just her. It was a tough decision, and the right one. Thankfully, I have a business partner who is much better at firing than I am. He just basically listened to what she had to say and said "That's fine. You're fired." I don't think I've ever been able to let someone go without attempting to make it gentle. His way might be better. I attempted to call one of the women I met at the mixer last week, the voice mail system her work used was screwy, and I didn't get through. I'll give it a shot again tomorrow. I think I'm going to call the other one, too, even though I was less interested in her. Hey, I might get a date out of it, and at worst she says "no." That's not the end of the world. I'll have my talk with the ex tonight before I sleep, other than that I'm going to call it an early night. I miss her, though. I'm not sure when I'm breaking NC. It might be after 30 days, it might be longer (well, I kind of have to break it to send her an alimony check, and that's about it). I want to talk to her, and at the same time, I'm kind of afraid that it will shoot up my stress levels. I dunno, its not a decision I have to make right now.
  17. EyesOnThePrize
  18. EyesOnThePrize
    Yesterday was day 19....seems like forever. It was a pretty good day. I crashed pretty early Saturday night and got a decent night's sleep. I just hung out in the AM, caught up on some reading, played the PS3. I went to a baseball game in the afternoon. Except for getting dehydrated and the home team losing, I had fun, even though it was just me. The ex wasn't into sports, so she wouldn't have gone anyway, and this time I wasn't worried about "Oh, I have to get back home to spend time with her." I set up bird feeders this weekend, and the back yard is filled with songbirds (and pigeons) now, and my cats are on the prowl. As I read more about BPD, its clear to me that my ex suffers from this, and I want to learn how to cope with it more, if that's possible. I believe that slimeball won't do this sort of work, and she'll figure that out eventually. Even if we don't get back together, I'd want to support her as a friend. Kind of a bit bummed at the second. Matt Lauer is in Buenos Aires right now. We were there on our cruise (the one right after she asked for the divorce) and in some ways it was the highlight of the cruise, and I want to go back...I want to go back with her, though (assuming she'd want to go, too...lol...I'm not dragging her).
  19. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 18 - Overall I'll call it a good day. Kind of a lazy Saturday, which I needed after tax season. I did go to the office for a few hours, although I didn't get there until almost 5 since I was watching a good baseball game. I got some reading for pleasure done, did some writing, put out bird feeders, and did my ENA time. I thought about the ex more than normal because of stuff going on here on ENA, and putting things in perspective. As odd as it may seem, in some ways I can see the future falling into place. I don't know, I'm just at peace with things. I miss her tremendously, and want to talk to her, and its been 18 days...I can survive another 12. And maybe more. I guess I believe that she really misses me, too, and that everything I'm doing is moving things in the direction I want. Last night was a late night, I didn't get to sleep until 2 AM. I took a sleeping pill so I wouldn't wake up with the sun, and did manage to sleep until 10, so it was a late start to the day. Tonight, I'm going to go upstairs, do a little more reading, have my nightly "talk with the ex" and be asleep between 11 and 11:30. Not exactly exciting, but peaceful. And peaceful is a good thing for me.
  20. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 17 - Up and down day. I was really missing her today for some reason. Maybe it was the anticipation of my blind date tonight. I had the date, the girl was nice, not really my type, and it was a pleasant enough evening. I was there with my business partner and his wife. They left us alone, and I mentioned that my business partner's wife had been trying to set me up with her for a couple of months, and I had originally told her "I just got divorced, I'm not ready yet. I don't want to be the crazy guy who talks about his ex the whole time." So, the next thing she asks is "Are you still in love with her?" to which I answer "Yes" and then we spend the next 20 minutes talking about my ex and the work I'm doing on myself and her divorce. So much for not being the crazy guy. Like I said, she was nice enough, and there were no sparks. I got home and there was an e-mail from the ex, I'll post about it elsewhere. I'm not responding to it. Its very late for me. I'm going to finish catching up on ENA, then its sleep time. I think I'm taking a sleeping pill tonight. I don't want to wake up with the sun tomorrow.
  21. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 16 - I had a phone consult with Al Turtle this morning, its given me a lot to digest. I'm realizing that NC isn't doing much for me anymore, as its just not that big a deal. I'm pretty sure I can deal with her normally now. However, I promised myself 30 days and its only 2 more weeks, so I'm going to stick with that. Its funny, when I started I couldn't imagine going 30 days, now it doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm really taking a long term view of things and more confident that I'm working on myself, and that's what's important. I went to a business networking event tonight, and did something I usually don't do, which is introduce myself to people. In the past, I kind of hung on the fringes, and hoped to see someone I knew. I started to fall into that and said "Dang it...this is about doing things differently and getting over some of this past behavior." So, I got out of my box and was social. I expected to stay about an hour, and ended up staying more than 2. I met a couple of cute women, and if I do say so, was pretty damned charming. One especially kept touching me on the shoulder and arm. It could mean nothing, it could mean something. Either way I'm going to give her a call and see if she wants to have lunch for meet for a drink or something. One of Al's suggestions was to start dating for practice on the communications skills, and just being up front about what I want out of the relationship (which is not a LTR...I'm not interested in that now The second one I met struck me as more superficial, but was still nice. Maybe I'll give her a call, too. Hey, all she can say is "no." Heck, I just survived a divorce. I think I can handle someone I barely know turning me down. I made some good business contacts, too. I think I'm going to go to San Diego next weekend to watch the Red Bull Air Races. I jokingly suggested going with me to one of the women (the touching one). She didn't say no...lol. If not, I'll bring my puppy...or maybe nick...or both. Not much more going on tonight. I want to do some more reading and get to sleep early. Tomorrow is a busy day. My business partner and his wife have asked me to dinner with a single friend of theirs. His wife is desperate to set me up. I'm going to go. It should be a fun night out, if nothing else.
  22. EyesOnThePrize
    Day 15 - Halfway home, although I really have no idea when I'll break NC at this point. Right now, as much as I miss her, I'm in no rush. Its been peaceful. As recounted elsewhere, I called relatives of hers to get in touch with her brother or sister. They were supposed to call me back with a phone number, and haven't. Perhaps they just passed my number along to her brother. He may have then called my ex to talk to her. I don't know, since I haven't heard from him. Either they will get back to me or they won't. I'm not going to pursue this vigorously. I'm finding out that I have a lot more friends out in the world than I had believed. Apparently I touched the lives of a lot more people than I had realized. Its rather comforting, as I'm an isolator a lot of times. I still deal with my trust issues, so its sometimes hard for me to let people in (of course, when I do, I go into clinger mode). I got a haircut today, I think it looks good, and maybe I'll take a self-portrait for my avatar. I'm not sure I can deal with all the swooning women though. Tonight I'm watching the Dodger's game. I'm going to finish up some laundry, watch American Idol, watch South Park, do some reading, and then hit the sack after having my talk with my ex. I have a phone consult with Al Turtle tomorrow. I'm excited about it, although I have no idea what to discuss. I better get myself clear on that tonight!
  23. EyesOnThePrize
    Just start a new thread and copy and paste what you wrote into that thread.
  24. EyesOnThePrize
    You may want to make this a separate post. It might get more views/replies that way.
  25. EyesOnThePrize
    Mustang - I've read a lot of your posts, and I hear your pain, and my observation is that I believe you are incredibly invalidating to her, and I think that if you are that way here, you were probably that way in the relationship. You say things like "her email was so full of dishonest excuses that were only written to make her look less guilty" and "After two years was I not worth honesty" and many more in your posts. IMO, what she's doing makes perfect sense to her and she's doing the best she can. To me, you don't want to seem to want to get her sense at all, only to see how much she's hurt you. As for honesty, I believe that people lie when they don't feel safe telling the truth. Why might she not feel safe telling the truth to you? Do you understand her sense on that? IMO, you might want to spend some time trying to get her sense if you want any shot with this woman and if you don't, you might want to spend some time looking at your actions and what brought the two of you to the breakup so you don't just do the same thing next time around. That's just my opinion, and that and $73.21 pays my computer lease for the month.
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